Someone please tell me if I’m being dramatic and unfair to end things over this?

[Heshaip]

DP moved jobs around a year ago when DD was 1. It meant he worked away Monday to Friday. We weren’t in a great place relationship wise at the time and had discussed ending things.

However, things became really good. We’ve gone from strength to strength and really happy.

In March I found out that he has never told anyone at his new work about me or DD. I was mostly shocked that DD was a secret but also very hurt that I was too. There’s also people he knows from a long time ago who get in touch at new year or infrequently who he hasn’t told either.

We talked about it and he said he just felt worried we were going to break up and it was hard to talk about at work due to the nature of the work…yet he knows all about his colleagues’ lives.

I basically said either he is transparent and lives authentically or I don’t want to be part of this. He said he would tell people and be open. Last night he said he still hadn’t told anyone as he was finding it hard to find the right words, so I resorted to saying change his photo on WhatsApp to one with our daughter because at least that would show me he actually wanted to fix this. He refused and said he would do it next week after he had told people in person. The nature of his work means all his contacts are on his WhatsApp and so this has made me particularly pissed off.

I am not the sort of person to be controlling or care about social media etc and I hate that I feel I’ve been driven to this state of upset. Part of me does actually want to just end things. I wonder if I’m being dramatic and don’t want to disrupt things for DD. it’s all making me feel shit. Aibu?

There are loads of people I work with, on a daily basis .. I have no clue if they are married or have children.
I would never ask (to intrusive)and unless it comes up in general conversation (unlikely)why would they mention it?
I suppose this shows there's different work place attitudes.
At my place we know everyone's status,number OF children, child issues, health issues, marriage niggles etc! This is from the managers to the domestics.
It may be a bit too open at times to be honest!!! 😆

He's definitely told people he's single with no children. Because otherwise it's no big deal to say so.

I manage a huge building. I changed office last month. As part of redecoration I brought in a big picture of my DTwins that I love. Most people who've been in have made one of two comments:

Oh! Are they the twins? Lovely picture.

Or

I didn't know you had twins!! (And then we have a 2 minute conversation about said twins)

It's a total non issue that someone did or didn't know. And it's certainly not weird or awkward for people to see I have twins. Your DP is talking absolute shite.

Do you know the only circumstance in which it would be weird or awkward for me to put that picture up in my office? If I'd categorically told the people I knew would see it, that I didn't have any children.

He's a liar.

Well yeah that's perfectly normal. And not what the DP is doing. He's deliberately omitting OP and his child from his narrative.

There are lots of people in my building. No one goes round saying "hello, I'm Tim and I'm married."

What they do say though, is "Hi Tim, good weekend?"...."Yes thanks, went to the new Italian with my wife and her parents on Sunday, really nice food, you?"...."Yes lovely weekend, Dave and I walked the dog in the forest."

I might not know Tim was married until he made that statement, but it's of no real consequence to Tim, he's not made some huge announcement has he. Just boring normal chit chat.

When you say his colleagues don't know about you, do you mean that he simply hasn't mentioned his family? Or has he actually lied and said he is single and childless? To me, there's a big difference. If it's the first, then YABU. And as for telling him to go in and tell them about his family, that is controlling. I don't lie about my family but I don't feel the need to tell everyone that I work with about them either. Likewise I would find it a bit odd if a relatively new colleague came into work and made a big announcement that he has a wife and child.

This is tough, OP. I’ve known work colleagues who are incredibly private and don’t share/volunteer personal information about themselves. I’ve also had a partner in the past (in an admittedly toxic relationship) who definitely didn’t want anyone he worked with to know he was in a relationship — but that was (I discovered) because he wanted to keep his options open… To me, it sounds as though your DP feels uncomfortable about having to open up — especially retrospectively if that makes sense, because it will presumably arouse many more questions than if he’d been open from the start — so if he felt awkward to begin with, he’ll feel much more so now. However, your idea of changing his WhatsApp picture sounds relatively low key to me — much easier than having to announce it in person, I think — so it’s not as though you’ve insisted he’s got to wear a placard to work saying I’M TAKEN…
I guess if you don’t think he’s doing it for nefarious reasons, you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you. It wouldn’t, I think, be one for me, although I would be hurt by it — but only you know if you can get over/live with this or not.

This is highly unusual and it would be a deal breaker for me. “Find the right words”? Madness

I would not accept this. My ex H told his colleagues that we had split up and that I had stopped him seeing the DC. This was completely untrue at the time. The only reason I found out is due to a friend of mine having a chance meeting with a friend of mine who knew this was bullshit! He was having an affair with a work colleague. We did split up after I found out! He was also lacking in social skills, few friends and not the type to cheat etc. Be suspicious! There’s no way he would have to make any sort of announcement if he hadn’t told them otherwise!

Is this about his colleagues or his friends? I would agree that "keeping you secret" from friends and family would be a bad sign. But it's neither unusual nor a negative to be private with colleagues. Thinking about my current team, I have no idea if two of them have partners and only barely know that one of them has a child (maybe children? no idea, she never mentions them). They probably aren't sure if I have a partner because I don't go out of my way to mention him. I'm not interested in giving my colleagues any details of my personal life. I'm not sure why you think it's necessary.

This kind of workplace is the stuff of nightmares for me. If I found myself there I'd offer up even less information than usual.

It's just not necessary or important for colleagues to know anything about my personal life.

@gannett
This kind of workplace is the stuff of nightmares for me. If I found myself there I'd offer up even less information than usual
It's just not necessary or important for colleagues to know anything about my personal life

Yeah, I know what you mean but we are a relatively small team, worked with each other for years and often work 12 hour shifts together but not desk bound so do have ri.e to chat, especially if we are driving long distances together so we do know each other well.
It does have it positives. Staff can tell when you are not quite right and zoom in to be supportive and share the load.

I work with plenty of people who have never mentioned anything about their home lives. I have no idea where they live, whether they have partners, children, hobbies… They don’t owe anyone that information!

With the working away every week and total reluctance to go public about you and your DC, are you sure he’s not married to someone else?!

My first thought was that he was living with his wife during the week and had a 'weekend job' when he saw you.
If you have met his family +/- close friends then I think it is probably OK if things are going well otherwise. If you are completely secret then that doesn't sound good.

Well obviously you didn't do it the right way, because if it's a boundary that you want to be respected, and its not adhered too, then be prepared to walk away.

Just because they don't bend and mold to your want doesn't mean that it's justified to start dishing ultimatums.

So you’re his dirty little secret and he doesn’t care how hurtful this is to you? And he thinks your relationship is in the rocks? He’s probably right.
If he’s letting people think he’s single then he has no respect for you. Time to leave. Your child should never be a secret.