Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Someone please tell me if I’m being dramatic and unfair to end things over this?

65 replies

Heshaip · 03/05/2025 11:57

DP moved jobs around a year ago when DD was 1. It meant he worked away Monday to Friday. We weren’t in a great place relationship wise at the time and had discussed ending things.

However, things became really good. We’ve gone from strength to strength and really happy.

In March I found out that he has never told anyone at his new work about me or DD. I was mostly shocked that DD was a secret but also very hurt that I was too. There’s also people he knows from a long time ago who get in touch at new year or infrequently who he hasn’t told either.

We talked about it and he said he just felt worried we were going to break up and it was hard to talk about at work due to the nature of the work…yet he knows all about his colleagues’ lives.

I basically said either he is transparent and lives authentically or I don’t want to be part of this. He said he would tell people and be open. Last night he said he still hadn’t told anyone as he was finding it hard to find the right words, so I resorted to saying change his photo on WhatsApp to one with our daughter because at least that would show me he actually wanted to fix this. He refused and said he would do it next week after he had told people in person. The nature of his work means all his contacts are on his WhatsApp and so this has made me particularly pissed off.

I am not the sort of person to be controlling or care about social media etc and I hate that I feel I’ve been driven to this state of upset. Part of me does actually want to just end things. I wonder if I’m being dramatic and don’t want to disrupt things for DD. it’s all making me feel shit. Aibu?

OP posts:
honeylulu · 03/05/2025 12:39

I would hate this too, like he was ashamed of us or wanted to keep us a secret or to "keep his options open" or maybe both.

Having said that I think it would be weird for him to make a grand announcement or feel forced to change his profile pic. I'm very proud of my children but they've never been in my profile pics as these are publicly visible. I think the most you can ask is that he does mention you, as appropriate, when it crops up in conversation with colleagues. You won't know though if he actually does or doesn't.

I had a boyfriend at uni who was a bit like this. If we saw someone he knew when we were out he would chat to them but not introduce me even if I could see the person glancing at me wondering if we were "together". Sometimes he'd sort of stand in front of me as if trying to ignore i was there. I was very shy in those days (now I would just say a cheery hello and introduce myself) but I did ask him why he did it and he would get huffy and say "why should I?" It didn't last long unsurprisingly. I hated how it made me feel so I can relate. It must hurt even more that he does this regarding your joint child as well!

Original poster
Heshaip · 03/05/2025 12:43

honeylulu · 03/05/2025 12:39

I would hate this too, like he was ashamed of us or wanted to keep us a secret or to "keep his options open" or maybe both.

Having said that I think it would be weird for him to make a grand announcement or feel forced to change his profile pic. I'm very proud of my children but they've never been in my profile pics as these are publicly visible. I think the most you can ask is that he does mention you, as appropriate, when it crops up in conversation with colleagues. You won't know though if he actually does or doesn't.

I had a boyfriend at uni who was a bit like this. If we saw someone he knew when we were out he would chat to them but not introduce me even if I could see the person glancing at me wondering if we were "together". Sometimes he'd sort of stand in front of me as if trying to ignore i was there. I was very shy in those days (now I would just say a cheery hello and introduce myself) but I did ask him why he did it and he would get huffy and say "why should I?" It didn't last long unsurprisingly. I hated how it made me feel so I can relate. It must hurt even more that he does this regarding your joint child as well!

Edited

@honeylulu yes this is the thing, there’s been moments recently where I’ve thought just leave it and ignore it. But it’s hard as it comes into my mind so much and then ruins occasions as I just feel so uncomfortable and disrespected.

Im older now though and part of me feels like just ignoring the whole thing and keeping my options open in a less dramatic way. He clearly doesn’t care enough to fix it and as you say I will never really know if he has told people anyway.

OP posts:
The13thFairy · 03/05/2025 12:47

Things between you were bad enough that you were thinking of ending your marriage. He took a job that meant he'd be away from Monday to Friday, and your relationship improved no end. This will be because during the week he is living as a single man, coming back at the weekends to a nice clean bed and a welcoming wife. It often happens that when someone is unhappy with their primary partner and they begin an affair, they really cheer up and become much easier to live with.

Original poster
Heshaip · 03/05/2025 12:56

Yes I know it could be about an affair but as I say extremely unlikely as he’s just not the sort of person… I was hid first relationship and he’s not great at social stuff

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 03/05/2025 12:58

I suspect his motive may be that he wants to be seen as single and available to other women. Maybe he's had a few affairs in the past?

I'd get rid. I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.

toomuchfaff · 03/05/2025 12:59

I am not the sort of person to be controlling or care about social media etc

Yet I'm willing to break up over him not changing how whatsapp picture.

Offering ultimatums is toxic. YABU to phrase it this way. Change your photo and tell people about us or we're done.

VS

I don't think you value this relationship or are showing me and our child commitment. I won't be in a relationship where I'm hidden and no one knows we exist.

You're not offering an ultimatum but the message is clear. Do it right, not toxic.

Original poster
Heshaip · 03/05/2025 13:00

toomuchfaff · 03/05/2025 12:59

I am not the sort of person to be controlling or care about social media etc

Yet I'm willing to break up over him not changing how whatsapp picture.

Offering ultimatums is toxic. YABU to phrase it this way. Change your photo and tell people about us or we're done.

VS

I don't think you value this relationship or are showing me and our child commitment. I won't be in a relationship where I'm hidden and no one knows we exist.

You're not offering an ultimatum but the message is clear. Do it right, not toxic.

@toomuchfaff i have done it in the ‘right way’ before though. It has had no effect.

OP posts:
OhHellolittleone · 03/05/2025 13:04

Tbh I think it depends whether he’s usually very open and this is the only thing he doesn’t talk about. My husband is very cautious about what he mentions at work. Didn’t mention I was preggo until very late on (still only told the boss!). He has never mentioned the building work we had done and then moved his home office (hybrid working) but blurred his background so no one could see his new view. It’s just how he is. Professional really.

LavenderFields7 · 03/05/2025 13:05

I think it’s fine to keep work life and personal life separate 🤷‍♀️ what’s the big deal? He obviously cares and values you, he probably doesn’t want to associate you with boring work, it’s easier to keep happy things at home and deal with stressful things at work. I think it’s probably quite healthy. Remember when you were a kid and went to school, you didn’t start talking about your family relationships with people, it would be weird, you just get on with the work in front of you.

Endofyear · 03/05/2025 13:15

It sounds like he's just the sort of person who keeps himself to himself at work and doesn't do small talk with colleagues? I've worked in offices with people (men) who don't talk about their personal lives and I've had no idea if they're married or in a relationship or have children. Is he just one of those people who keeps his work life separate from his home life? I wouldn't think this is something to break up a marriage over.

MoominMai · 03/05/2025 13:17

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 03/05/2025 12:22

How did you find out he hadn't told anyone?

If you don't think he's cheating and trust him then I think you're making it a bigger deal than it needs to be tbh.

Going against the grain here, but I agree with you. Not everyone has to be like each other and just not mentioning your family in small talk to work colleagues in the bigger scheme of things of what he could be doing just seems needless picking. OP should focus on the good traits that he does have. This seems more an issue for OP to work on and just accept that just because she or many other people would do it, doesn’t mean her partner should be forced into it. Not every aspect of a relationship can be perfectly aligned to both preferences.

Charlize43 · 03/05/2025 13:20

It's very, very suspicious. Could he be having a gay fling?

One of my gay friends almost bought a flat together with a man (who he thought was his BF) but then suddenly discovered when his wife phoned him that he was married with 3 school age children! They'd been together for 3 years and it later turned out he'd been married for 10. His wife had been expecting another women and was equally as destroyed. He told my friend he worked on a cruise ship, but that also turned out to be a complete lie.

There must be reason why he is keeping you and your DD totally secret. Most men playing around use the 'We are separated and my wife doesn't like sex' variation on a theme. I wonder why he's erased you & your daughter completely?

JLou08 · 03/05/2025 13:35

If you're confident he isn't cheating I wouldn't break up a family for that. You say he's a bit on the spectrum, that isn't a thing, but if he is autistic or has social anxiety he may struggle with how to drop it in a conversation that he has a partner and child. Seems so simple to NT people but it isn't that simple for autistic people.

ALunchbox · 03/05/2025 13:38

I don't mention my private life at work. I'd imagine many colleagues do not know I am married or have children. There is nothing sinister to it. I am just a private person.

GingerLiberalFeminist · 03/05/2025 13:42

I think you're being completely reasonable. I'd hate this.

He's dug himself into a hole now though hasn't he? Can't suddenly mention wife and child without having people ask loads of questions. So I bet he'll dig in and not do it. In which case for me the relationship is over.

I'd want a man proud to be with me.

Wallywobbles · 03/05/2025 13:43

I feel upset he won’t now change his profile picture
You'd break up a family over this?

Pure emotional blackmail. Their daughter will never remember them being together.

mnahmnah · 03/05/2025 13:47

You say he may be on the spectrum? Is this because of social aspects I.e not discussing his private life? Keeping chit chat to a minimum?

I work with lots of people that I actually don’t know anything about. No idea if they have a partner or kids. Or where they live. Hobbies. Nothing. We discuss work. Nice weekend? Yes thanks. We are at work after all.

pikkumyy77 · 03/05/2025 13:49

Heshaip · 03/05/2025 12:23

Thanks. I just feel so sad as we have so many happy times but I feel my self esteem and peace being disrupted all the time by this.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, I think: you aren’t in much of a relationship, its rocky, he works away all week, he worries its temporary but won’t do anything to strengthen it. How can it get stronger under these circumstances? You aren’t asking—fighting—for a symbolic solution but forcing a public acknowledgment won’t heal the gulf between your attitudes towards the relationship.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 03/05/2025 13:52

dreamingbohemian · 03/05/2025 12:13

If your relationship only goes well when he's away most of the time and pretending you don't exist, I don't think it's a good relationship

I would be unhappy about this too

Yeah this really. Him keeping you both a secret though is shit, especially his child. Who actually does that?

ARichtGoodDram · 03/05/2025 13:55

Has he kept you both completely secret from absolutely everyone?

What about important things like emergency contact and pension/death in service nominations?

YourFairCyanReader · 03/05/2025 13:58

Do you see his family?

GeorgianaM · 03/05/2025 14:08

You posted about this before.

pikkumyy77 · 03/05/2025 14:11

I really think a relationship where you get cast as the “dramatic” one and he thinks he is “the normal one” can’t work well. His temperament is his and yours is yours. He either loves you for it, and you him, or the relationship will make each of you unhappy.

I have a client on the ASD spectrum. Her reactions to such “intrusions” at work as: people offering to hold a door, press the elevator button, send her an email, or arrange a meeting are quite different from other people’s. But they are legitimately hers and navigating the world the way she wants is important to her.

Your DP isn’t necessarily cheating on you or refusing to mention your existence for nefarious reasons. He may not be able to tolerate outsider’s attention and comment.

But he doesn’t have the right to consider your needs “over the top” or dramatic or wrong for you. Your child will also have emotional needs that need to be filled. If he isn't set up to accept and deal with her needs/your need for attachment and emotional intimacy he can’t be a good husband and father for you—his right partner will share his emotional style.

Skibbidirizzohio · 03/05/2025 14:15

I’ve been with my partner just over two years and I keep finding out things that suggest his friends/family don’t know about me. Also reluctant to change his profile picture as well. I think what bothers me is that there is a reason that he is keeping me a secret and I don’t know what it is. So I feel your pain OP and we are not married or have a child together. Do you believe him when he says that they don’t have time/opportunity to talk about their personal lives at work? What is his reason that he is giving for not changing his WhatsApp picture?

Swipe left for the next trending thread