to think many grandmothers actually do not want to do childcare?

[onlytwo]

I go to a regular toddler group and there are many older women there with their grandchildren.

Been talking to them and many of them do not want to do childcare but have been pressured into by mostly their daughters but also their sons. Their children often think they are delighted to be looking after their grandchildren but often it is a huge struggle for these women (and it mostly women). They feel like they can't take a break because their children rely on them for childcare because of the cost of nurseries and general cost of living. They no longer have the same energy levels and also often have health issues.

Also grandfathers are usually not pressured into doing childcare and are rarely expected to give up their job when grandchildren come along. Their life mostly remains unchanged,

I feel the expectation of women to keep doing childcare is unfair and is coming from their own daughters. Some of the older women are frail and struggling to keep up with young children.

When talking to the mums, they say their mums love spending time with their grandchildren and looking after them. That is not what they have said to me.

My DH and I equally did lots of childcare for DGD, now 13, when she was younger. We did the school run, collected her from school every day and she stayed over with us 1 night a week, so took her to school in the morning. Nursery,
primary school were 10 minutes away.

She is at secondary school now and we, DH,
myself and DGD have such wonderful memories of that time.

DGS came a long 7years later! DD and SonIL, wanted us to do school run but put him in a school 35 minutes away. They, made futile attempts to argue the point but we said no.They finally got it.

We absolutely love having our DGC, and so any social child care needs we have them, when they ask their DPs if they can come over/stay we say yes.

They add to the quality of our lives.

This is the issue also. So many women insist their parents/ILs are happy to look after their children but often they are finding it a real struggle.

Most of us are still working full time but I find it quite entitled (in ours and many friends experiences) that we are expected to give up work or our free time to provide childcare . Babysitting is one thing family days out etc but actually giving up a job or hobbies or just our downtime to provide free childcare numerous days a week is a no from me . I think it’s a discussion to be had prior to a pregnancy if the parents cannot afford to give up work or pay for private childcare and like in our case it was just assumed we’d take care of it

Many women have stated it on this thread that they have declared when they will not help. They have to because of the greater expectations on them as opposed to grandfathers.

Some parents are piss takers but they are enabled by grandparents who seem totally incapable of saying no, or being able to speak up when an arrangement becomes too much for then, so I have very limited sympathy. My neighbour seemed almost afraid of her daughter and would have her multiple grandchildren half the week every week for years despite the fact the daughter didn't work. She was totally shattered but never said anything. It was baffling.

My DSis provides full time childcare for her 2 GCs (one child from each DD). They’re 2 years old and she’s had them since they were babies. One DD is on mat leave after having her 2nd child and DSis will have the baby too when she goes back to work.

Her DDs absolutely take the piss. They swan off for weekends away and nights out leaving their DCs with DSis and act like they’re doing her a favour, even though she’s had them all week. She even goes on holiday with them so that they can relax while she runs round after the children. She’s in her late 60s and is on her knees. I’m scared it will kill her. Her selfish daughters don’t give a shit. They think that she loves it.

I understand that parents are in an impossible position with the cost of childcare but please, DONT ask for weekend social babysitting if your parents are already raising your children all week.

I disagree. My father has been a wonderful help to us with the children, nothing ever too much trouble and is always always glad to have them (my own mother has passed away) when I was postpartum he cared got me, cleaned and bought shopping. Same goes for my FIL, they are both our biggest support.

Sometimes it is only by doing childcare that they get to see their GC.

I notice all men are absent in this scenario.

They aren't though are they? Presumably the dad's are happily accepting the childcare, and the grandads happily watching their wives provide it.
You're so desperate to pin it all on young women. But it's the older women without the spine to say (to the DC they raised...) and the men watching from the sidelines.

Tbf he’s dead.

My friend minds 4 days. 60s. She is tired when I meet her. Kids are very entitled now even reading posts here its presumed you doing it! A big commitment ties your week.

GPs looking after DGC can be a very contentious area of family dynamics, as your DSis @MmeChoufleur , is experiencing. Some
DC take the piss and have expectations that DO border on bullying

It is not always easy for GPs to say no because they take the DGC into consideration. They do want to spend time with their DGC and develop relationships but their adult DC can exploit this.

It becomes a balancing act, because some DPs in their inability to emphasise with their DPs, pass onto their DC that Gma, Gpa doesn’t want to see you.

And I think most DGPs do love their DGC but they don’t have to/may not be able to/may not want to, give childcare.

It is not the case that I am desperate to pin it on young women but they are the ones mostly pressuring their mothers to do childcare. The women are put under pressure from other women.

It has been said time and time again on this thread by women how unfair it is that the grandmother will not do childcare when she had lots of help.

Men are watching but they are not the ones under pressure or have expectations of them. The sons don't seem to be pressurising their fathers to do childcare.

I have said again and again on this thread what about the grandfathers, where are the men in these scenarios? I am not ignoring the role of men. But it has been mostly grandmothers who say they are under pressure from their daughters.

The stats support that it is grandmothers dropping their hours or reducing work because of childcare not men.

Every single man in the family is dead?

Does she have a husband? Do her children have a father in law?

My nearest Grandparents lived half an hour away. I do remember my Mum's parents having us to stay which I now realise was childcare during the school holidays!

They always felt elderly though. The thought of them having to take care of me every week is a horrible one in terms of their own health. When I was growing up you did get families where childcare might be provided by grandparents but it was considered quite a low class thing to do.

I think the expectation that grandparents will be overjoyed to provide free childcare is a horrible one and I feel it does put a huge strain on the health of GP. I think too that some GP were in their 40s when I was a kid. With people having kids far later in life suddenly GP are in their 70s.

Sorry I thought you meant BIL. There aren’t any other males in the family, other than my DBs (who are DNs uncles). DNs wouldn’t ask their uncles. They live 120 miles away and work ft, and would tell them where to go!

I know one or two women like your DNs. What does your DSis say about it?

Yes he still works. He does collect from primary if kids out on half days for hols as playschool same time. Thing is when you help one kid other one wants it too

What about their father in laws?

Yes, "coming from their daughters", but often because their sons either don't consider it to be THEIR province or they just can't be bothered.

One of her DDs is a single mum and the other is married but her husband is estranged from his family. She felt obliged to support DD1 because she was on her own, and then when DD2 got pregnant she felt it would be unfair to only offer to one DD, even though DD2 and her husband both work full-time and could afford at least some childcare. And as much as I’m disgusted by my nieces’ selfishness I’m also aware that DSis has the power to say no, but won’t.

Yes I do think women are guilt tripped a lot into childcare. I’m 46. I have 4 kids currently age 16-26. One of my kids had multiples and now has 4 under 4 and is massively struggling. I adore them, obviously I do but I haven’t even finished MY parenting journey yet and here I am helping to raise babies that I didn’t choose to have. I’m expected to visit 4 days a week minimum, have a sleep over with the eldest two every other weekend. I’ve been told that we can’t go on holiday on any of the kids birthdays. I love my grand daughters but it is HARD. Especially when I’ve got a teen with ADHD and he needs to be nurtured and cajoled through his apprenticeship while trying new adhd medications. Christ, I still have to parent my eldest child who is the parent to these 4 kids! Always on the phone asking for help and my opinion on this and that and the other and then going with the exact opposite of what I say ( they are entitled to) but ringing wanting to know what has gone wrong and why their daughters are like semi feral raccoons for them but well behaved for me. Is because I ran a home with strict boundaries, routine and Silly rules like we have to all eat together at the table and use knives and forks. Set bed times, help with chores and tidy up time You know, parenting.

It’s all too much. But if I am stupid enough to say it’s too much and they are crossing a line with the pressure, I’ll be stopped from seeing them and I really do love them.

I must be the exception as I have my DH dad to have my little boy after school once a week. My little boy loves going and his grandad loves having him, even offers to have him and the other grandchildren more. I also have my DM and my DDad who also have my little boy overnight every other week because they want too not because I expected it.