AIBU to think my friend is too comfortable in my home?

[QuizzlyBears]

I have a very good friend who spends a lot of time at my house, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit irritated at the level of comfiness they are displaying, almost bordering on entitlement. Examples include setting up the ironing board to give their shirt a quick once over, asking if I am ‘popping a wash on’ and could include their sweaty running gear, helping themselves to drinks from my garage supplies (kept as back ups/to keep kitchen stocked), suggesting things I ‘need’ to purchase to make the garden comfier for their sunbathing, using my hair straighteners to randomly curl their hair in the morning….I’ve no issue with a friend being comfy enough to pop the kettle on and I love that my home is welcoming, but AIBU to think this is a bit too comfortable? Would it bother you? For what it’s worth I know her house is not as comfortable as mine in lots of ways, and so it seems she gravitates here in a way that makes it seem like she’s treating it as hers…but it’s annoying me. If you’d feel the same way, how would you approach it?

YABU - friends should be comfortable, let her get on with it!
YANBU - she’s too comfy and needs to reign it in!

I think she's probably being a bit cheeky, but there's nothing there you couldn't say no to.

I have a freidbwho spends a lot more time at mine than we do at theirs, if I think it's all getting a bit much, I'll say "your turn to stock the beer fridge this week, or "no biscuits left of you want some you'd better get some".

How on earth does it get to this point, unless you have said 'help yoursef' so often that you've ended up giving her free reign. You are going to have to put boundaries in but difficult when you've let it come to this.

“asking if I am ‘popping a wash on’ and could include their sweaty running gear”

This is where I would have looked at her and said, Pardon? Don’t you have a washing machine?” I have done washing for my friends, when their own washing machine broke down, or when they were waiting for a new washing machine to be delivered, but in each occasion, I offered and they did not ask. It seems that you are allowing your friend to spend FAR too much time at your house - I think I’d be cutting down on how often I ask her round, or ensuring that I was busy/on my way out if she turned up uninvited.

I'd much rather friends feel comfortable than awkward or like a "guest". When friends are like this you don't need to host and it takes the stress out of it I think. With not so comfortable friends I always feel the need to ask, are you thirsty, shall I make food, do you want to sit in the sitting, help yourself to biscuits, are you too warm or cold, etc etc. Exhausting.

She's doing what you let her get away with.

You need to speak to her and start limiting the amount of time she is spending in your home.

letsnotIRL

I'd much rather friends feel comfortable than awkward or like a "guest". When friends are like this you don't need to host and it takes the stress out of it I think. With not so comfortable friends I always feel the need to ask, are you thirsty, shall I make food, do you want to sit in the sitting, help yourself to biscuits, are you too warm or cold, etc etc. Exhausting.
Me too- sounds lovely to me, but if you don’t like it then find a way not to have her over so much maybe

Sounds like you need to make yourself (and your home) less available for your friend.
I cannot imagine any of my friends just whipping out my ironing board when they’ve popped in for a cuppa. Is she bringing her dirty washing to your house?
All very random!

I'd draw the line at doing her laundry and I'd expect her to contribute and bring drinks etc sometimes, if she's at yours much more than you're at hers, but guests who make themselves at home are the best sort. As PP says, you don't need to fuss after them.

The beauty of a friend whose this comfy, is you easily can say "don't take the piss your cheeky cow" 😆 when she asks you to do her laundry, or tell her she needs to take a turn at buying provisions. You can also set them to work "empty the dishwasher for me, while I peg this lot out out".

Things like suggesting you need to buy particular items of furniture is cheeky. But friends and I do the other stuff with each other all the time, it’s nice that we feel comfortable around each other that way. It makes no odds to me if a friend uses my shower because they’ve come for dinner via the gym, or wants to run the iron over their shirt if they’ve stayed over.

You say her house isn’t as comfortable as yours; does that mean you don’t go to hers very often and therefore it doesn’t feel very reciprocal? It sounds as though you’re close enough that you could ask to socialise at her place more often, if that’s what you’d like?

I mean, why aren’t you saying “no”?

Surely she has her own washing machine? Is she staying the night?

Sounds like shes saving on housing costs by living at yours. This is cocklodger territory. Get some boundaries!

Yes, she’s getting too comfy.

You need to be less available. Don’t let her in for a start. Don’t do her washing. Maybe say to her that you appreciate her suggestions but this is your home and you’ll buy what you want.

I'm more than happy for people to relax in my house, put their feet up on the sofa, help themselves to a cuppa, top up their drink etc.

I'd draw the line at ask to put their stuff in my washing machine, though - that's definitely a bit much. I also have no time for people telling me I need to buy things for my house just because they happen to like them.

How much is she there that she wants you to do her washing?! It sounds like you’re becom8ng very irritated at her constant presence-are you both sahms? Maybe start limiting her time at yours.

How is she able to spend so much time at your house? Don't either of you have jobs/life admin/errands to run?

It's clearly bothering you so whether other people would be fine with it is irrelevant. You're going to have to cut back her time at yours or just start saying no.

Thanks all, I need a bit of perspective on it I think and the assurance that I’m not being over the top to say no! For the questions - she helps me with my dog so is here fairly frequently as I work long hours, and she has a housemate she doesn’t get on with so will often come over in the evening or at a weekend. The sweaty running gear was when she’d been for a run prior to coming over one evening and had it in a carrier bag with her! I did raise my eyebrows at that one and did not do her washing. The errands comment made me think - she asked to come over this evening and I needed to go to the supermarket and a few other things so said no and then felt bad! Time to toughen up I think. Thanks all!

People treat you the way you allow them to treat you.
This is a YOU problem.
Sort it out!!

I think being comfortable in your home is a fair payment for helping with your dog.

The dog is quite a drip feed. If she's often there alone while you work long hours, of course she should be comfortable using the facilities and helping herself.

I would hate having someone in my space like this.

I think things are getting blurred because she’s doing you a favour so takes these little comforts as her due.

Can you afford to get a dog walker so you’re less reliant on her?

REIN!

It's 'free rein', as in to slacken the reins of a bridle enough to allow the horse to do whatever it wants with its head, as opposed to a 'tight rein' which is restrictive.

I'm sorry, but language has meaning and value.

Don’t feel guilty. It’s your house, not hers.

Fair enough if she makes herself a cup of tea when looking after the dog, but not inviting herself over at the weekend etc. If you don’t want her over, don’t feel guilty at saying no. Control the narrative.