AIBU to think my friend is too comfortable in my home?

[QuizzlyBears]

I have a very good friend who spends a lot of time at my house, but recently I’ve been feeling a bit irritated at the level of comfiness they are displaying, almost bordering on entitlement. Examples include setting up the ironing board to give their shirt a quick once over, asking if I am ‘popping a wash on’ and could include their sweaty running gear, helping themselves to drinks from my garage supplies (kept as back ups/to keep kitchen stocked), suggesting things I ‘need’ to purchase to make the garden comfier for their sunbathing, using my hair straighteners to randomly curl their hair in the morning….I’ve no issue with a friend being comfy enough to pop the kettle on and I love that my home is welcoming, but AIBU to think this is a bit too comfortable? Would it bother you? For what it’s worth I know her house is not as comfortable as mine in lots of ways, and so it seems she gravitates here in a way that makes it seem like she’s treating it as hers…but it’s annoying me. If you’d feel the same way, how would you approach it?

YABU - friends should be comfortable, let her get on with it!
YANBU - she’s too comfy and needs to reign it in!

I am very laidback and honestly a bit of a pushover but even this would be too much for me! She is taking the piss

Different folks, different strokes

It’s possible that would make her feel more at home.

How long have you known her?
For example, my very close, extremely annoying cousin came to stay with my husband and me one summer.
She left her wet swimsuit on the floor, she left milk & other refrigerated foods out on the counter and left her dishes everywhere but in the sink.
I didn’t think a second thing about it.
If drove my husband insane.
The difference was I’d known my cousin since birth - my husband had only just met her.
She was, let’s say, an acquired taste.
She was overly generous and very funny and knowing what I know now about that lying, cheating POS I married, I probably would’ve left my wet swimsuit on the floor and the milk out and my dirty dishes everywhere too.
People tend to take a mile if you give them an inch.

A good friend would not do this in my view. Even my sister wouldn’t do this type of thing. Closeness and being comfortable is different from disrespecting someone else’s private home.

“I’m your mate not your mum” is what I’d say to a lot of that.

So are you paying her for the help with the dog? If not you are being very very unreasonable.

This is a you problem.
You have a presumptuous user on your hands, not a healthy basis for a friendship.
You are too available.
We teach people how to treat us.
You have taught her you are a mug.
Change that or this will be a recurring problem in all your relationships.

Taking the absolute piss… Asking if you’re putting a wash on is beyond a cheek. I struggle with setting boundaries so I get it, sounds like you possibly do too but you neeeed to or you’re gonna fall out/have to forcibly drift apart. Maybe like someone else said do a jokey/banterous comment that is light-hearted but also lets her know it’s cheeky/asks why she can’t do these things at her own home.

Yeh that was a bit of a drip feed. A cheap dog sitter in my area costs a minimum of £20 a visit and £20 for a walk for one dog. I originally thought the op was annoyed as it was all one sided, but it’s not. I have 2 friends that act the same with me as I have a nice home and they like to get out of theirs. But they come in when they want, help themselves to all sorts, but then do my dishes, help me with my own washing, help entertain the kids after school etc.

Yes, I pay her and I also employ a dog walker 3 days a week.

Personally I would love it if a friend felt so comfortable in my home
in fact a friend popped in tonight and asked me if I wanted a coffee, and made me one!
I do think it’s presumptuous to assume she could pop her sweaty running gear in your wash though.
Another thought, is her home life ok?
As a teen I spent more time at my friends house than my own.. because her parents were lovely kind and supportive, and mine were the opposite( my Dad was violent to me too)

This is where boundaries are important - it's much harder/more awkward to push back now than it would have been if you'd drawn a line in the sand sooner.

I've got friends who I'm quite happy to have helping themselves to whatever food/drink they want, but it's a two-way street. Also, if they're coming over, they'll ask if I need anything picking up on the way.

Maybe next time she asks to come, you could ask her to bring some wine/drinks/whatever? Or just go to hers more often and take the piss yourself!

"I'm just having a bath, would you mind getting your lawnmower out for me to borrow while I'm in there?"

I came here to vote YABU…but then read everything she does, wow!!! YADNBU, this lady is definitely overstepping

Quite cheeky but i’d just tell them to grab the wash basket and get mine done if need to wash their stuff. Decline to buy the garden stuff.

I wouldn't like it as i like my own space so I would have more of an issue with her being there everyday. But If I was someone who didn't mind someone constantly being around then this stuff wouldn't bother me aslong as she tidied up after herself

Your friend clearly has no boundaries so you need to set those. To do that you need to start the conversation and say there’s no drinks available in the garage, if she wants specific biscuits she must supply them, put your personal effects (hair straighteners etc) away, and perhaps when she irons her shirt you could tell her to do the rest of your ironing whilst she’s at it. Only you can put a stop to this entitlement.
It would seriously piss me off that someone was spending so much time at my home even if they were a good friend, there are limits to what anyone can endure and she is freeloading on your life in general.
Think about how she will be in the years ahead……..if her health declines will she expect you to supported her even more - I know that might be an extreme analogy but this person appears to have no filters in her behaviour.

If she’s unhappy in her house share I wonder if she’s building up to asking if she can move in?

I wondered that as well. Don’t let her. She’s already pushing boundaries and she doesn’t live there!

The fact that you pay her makes it worst, as you therefore dun’t ‘owe’ her anything. If it were free, then you could expect more give and take, and her spending time at your house could be in lieu of payment. But that’s not the case.

You need to start saying no, don’t be so available, and don’t feel guilty. You’re not doing anything wrong. If she turns up, just say it’s not convenient tonight. You don’t have to give a reason

I think that is a genius answer that could be used on many threads.

I have a friend like this. I found it very irritating.

Things like helping themselves to garage supplies without asking etc.
She is also very loud, i sometimes tell her i can't take her anywhere. We differ on parenting styles. And while at mine, will jump in to parent my kids her style or give answers to questions they are asking me about their activities, our plans for the week that need decisions. She had no boundaries.

But, she is also the most loyal, supportive, caring friend.

• If she were in costco, she would buy me stuff like toilet roll or something in my garage supply she's noticed is running low. I don't have costco membership.
• She wants/expects me to be free like that at hers too.
• She was a very present and constant rock for me during my hortible separation from abusive husband.
• She is very practical help. Honestly, she will do anything for a friend. Large heart.

I tried telling her that I often felt steamrolled. I could make decisions for my family about my kids needs, rules, boundaries. I could decide what furniture my home needed and when to buy it.
She took it in but still continued. It is just her nature. When she started slagging off ex-h within DC's hearing and just ignored me when i told her the DC are home. That was the last straw.

It was too much for me. I pulled back from the friendship. And now we friendship in small doses.

In her mind, i have been moved from the bosom friend category and it has helped a lot with boundaries.

Having said that, if a good friend like she is with you, helping with dog-sitting, had come to mine and would be at mine for a few hours and their gym clothes were in a bag, if i were putting on a wash, i would offer to get it washed. Save it developing an odour and saving her some work when she got home.

I would suggest pulling back from the friendship.
Meet less often if you can (get another dog-sitter).
When you do meet (not for dog sitting), go to hers more.

Edit - oops wrong OP!

It's a difficult one, I looked after a boy once for social services while his mum was in hospital. He became best friends with my ds,both 2. They lived opposite me. She would pop over,let herself in, asked to borrow my phone to ring her ex husband (landline in those days) then she asked if she could borrow my tumble dryer. She got maintenance from her ex H, I didn't, she eventually left herself in, brought black bags full of washing to dry, went to the phone said you don't mind if I use it I wasn't in a good place to challenge her by now,ex H tried to kill me, divorce was traumatic.When I moved, I really didn't want her to have my address, but this was my son's best friend of 10years.we moved again, and thankfully DS had new friends.

You can only make kind but frank comment right at the time.
Ideas ..
Is your washing machine broken?
No, please leave the outdoor fridge; that is out of bounds.

She is walking your dog so fair enough that she can get a cup of tea, water, toast and iron a shirt every now and again.

I would be uncomfortable with her using the washing machine and helping herself to food and drinks from your storage pantry and fridge.

Pay her for walking the dog in a more usual manner, like with cash.