To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

[StormCloud52]

An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

As I said to a previous poster, the people on this thread saying that, are talking about a specific topic. This does in no way imply this would be their response in relation to EVERY aspect of other people’s culture. If you want a discussion about the other practices that you describe perhaps start a new post? But don’t judge all of us based on our response to this specific topic.

Hear hear.

Removing a very young child from the mother for an extended period of time is also cruel.

It doesn't have to be exactly the same as more extreme cultural practices to be wrong.

The most bizarre thing is she could just teach the kid chinese at home.

if you think it’s cruel then that’s your view. It doesn’t make you right though.

@Skirtless You are quite right. I know of two cases, one on my mums side and one on my DHs where this happened. There are probably other situations I'm not aware of. My granny raised a friends child from infancy to adulthood. DH's childless aunt did similar with 2 of her sister's small children. I think in both cases it was unnamed metal ill health that necessitated it.

Whatever the reason it still had a negative impact on the children involved. The child my granny took care of left home when she was a young adult and never contacted my granny or any of her foster siblings again. I was about 10 when 'Auntie Annie' disappeared and I can remember the huge void it left in our family. To this day we don't know if she is dead or alive. If it had that impact on me, god knows what it did to Annie or to my granny who loved her.

ON DHs side the opposite happened. Both children clung to their surrogate mum and refused to acknowledge their biological mum or siblings ever again. I was married to my husband for over 20 years and had attended many parties and functions with them all before I was aware they were related in any way.

Anyone with any emotional intelligence can see this is a really bad idea so of course people are going to judge. Culture is no excuse for causing such a break in the attachment system, 3 is the ripe age for developing personality disorders when older because of this type of break.

We have mothers in the UK struggling under the demands of work and raising children in a culture that still expects the majority of child duties to be handled by the mother. We ask, where’s the village.

When other cultures successfully maintain a village and alleviate pressure on their mothers by accepting raising children as the responsibility of everyone in that child’s life, you call it a poor cultural practice.

Maybe point fingers at your own culture first, and ask why so many British mothers are on medication to cope with the stress, pressure and anxiety of it all. The needs of the child are important but must be assessed in the context of the needs of the whole family.

This is not unusual for Chinese families living abroad. I know a family whose daughter spent 3 years living with grandparents in China while parents worked in Scotland. I think it’s probably none of your business, unless you have reason to suspect that she is selling her child on the black market?

Respectfully, it’s not just a view.

There are countless research studies evidencing the impact of broken attachments and emotional trauma on children in later life. Maybe not all children will be negatively affected, but how do you know which ones will be until it’s too late?

You’re taking about inter-family adoption in families where there is already neglect or abuse. The child is staying with granny for a year for an intentional and specific purpose, presumably in the context of a secure and stable family life.

Completely different scenarios and culture so not comparable at all.

One of my colleagues is East Asian-she has left her 4 year old twins at home to be cared for by wider family, while she gets established in the UK. Prior to that she worked overseas from her home country to earn decent money. I’m sure she’ll be delighted to know people think she’s cruel and traumatising her children. Plenty of people in other countries leave their children for work to give their family a better life. They are loved and well cared for by the wider family and appreciate sacrifices made.

My nephew does this via frequent visits to mum’s home country, including extended visits due to sick relatives. He doesn’t need to be left there for a year to understand the culture.

Great- he’s getting it through other ways, but not all families have this option. And if it weren’t for the extended visits, he certainly wouldn’t get cultural immersion. It’s not the same at all. I visited but friends that were sent back to live with family have a deeper and true understanding of the cultural that I will sadly never have.

Saying that abusive cultural practices should not be excused is not xenophobia, and you shouting that is just trying to distract from the issue, shut down responses you don't like - that has led to real harm in this country with people failing to acknowledge and deal with cultural issues that are incompatible with life in the UK.

It's not xenophobic to acknowledge harmful practices of particular cultures. It is honest that all cultures have good and bad in them.

But you’re describing the practice of children living with grandparents as abusive with no experience, no data just pure old xenophobia. Calling you out on that is not shutting you down, just calling it out for what it is.

It’s not about living with grandparents as such.

The main concern here is a 3 year old child being separated from their primary caregiver and everything they know to go and live in a completely different environment for a year. That is what is likely to be traumatic for the child.

@Christmasmorale

You raise some very good points. This has become a very interesting debate.

It really is just that person’s view. It maybe a view that is shared by many others but it is still only an opinion on a topic that people quite clearly have different views about. My point is, it is not wrong to have that view. But it doesn’t mean it’s right.
The research studies you mention only have value if these looked at ALL cultures and parenting styles. I would wager they didn’t and were focused on the typical western nuclear family set up. The outcomes would not be relevant to other child rearing styles in this instance.

My sister worked with a Chinese woman who was pregnant and was expecting to send her baby straight to China to live with grandparents until they came back to start school. She was shocked when her husband said no 😂

@Christmasmorale You are wrong. Nowhere do I specify that the particular practice of sending small children away to relatives is illegal.

I think it is cruel and in the interests of the adults and not the child.

I am answering the many comments that this is 'cultural' and therefore cannot be criticised or questioned. This is what I am challenging - the wider context.

'Calling me out' - I think differently to you. I don't have to agree with your views and I don't.

I would imagine the studies included children from various cultural backgrounds, I’m happy to check this later when I have a little bit more time.

I don’t think it’s accurate to say that children from different cultures wouldn’t experience any trauma from being removed from their parent at three years old. As stated previously, some children will be absolutely fine and there will be no long lasting impact, but others absolutely won’t be and it’s impossible to tell which is which until it’s too late.

Omg the absolute lack of knowledge around other cultures here is astounding.
And the absolute blind refusal to acknowldge that other ways of raising kids, who all turn out to be fine, is insane. It's the superiority of the western mentality that there can be no other ways to raise healthy happy kids rather than to put everything onto the mother.
Many other cultures raise kids as a family and as a village mentaility and it works fine and is in many ways a lot better for everyone.
In the west, at your peak earning potential you expected also to raise children and be everything to everyone. This works in the UK as we have a welfare state and we also have high wages for even menial jobs comparibly to most of the world. It does not work for many countries and they also place value on preserving cultural heritage, something that we also do not really place value on.

A year for such a small child might as well be forever. So cruel.

I don't think it's cruel. Parents all over the world leave their DC with extended family, and have done forever. Given our appalling mental health stats, I'm not sure we should be so confident that the Western nuclear family lifestyle is always the best. A child living in their native country, learning their native tongue, presumably entrusted to the care of loving relatives isn't cruelty.