To think this is cruel and genuinely unfathomable?

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An acquaintance of mine has a three year old child. My acquaintance is Chinese but has lived in Britain for a long time.

Today, she shared a story that her DD had had her last playtime with her little friends for a while. When people have asked why, she’s said that her DD is going to China for a year to learn the language. I assumed acquaintance was also going, but no. It is then filled with people commenting that she’ll miss DD but it’s a wonderful, selfless gift acquaintance is giving her daughter. Acquaintance agrees she’ll miss DD.

Her most recent post is them at the airport. AIBU to thinking this is barking mad? It had made me feel so sad for the little girl. Surely she’ll be confused and distressed? AIBU?

The grandmother may be great at looking after the child. If she'd always been around the child might not know any different. But she's been raised by her mum and now is going to have a change of primary caregiver. To think this has no negative impact is blinkered. You might decide the negative impact is worth it for the language and cultural one.
It's not the same at all as a mother needing to do this to put food on the table. But in that case too, it has a bad effect on the child, it's just that living in poverty would have a worse one.

Leaving a child with grandparents for a week is psychologically damaging really?

Given the fast rising number of issues in mental health in children in the UK I don't see why so many are so sure our way of raising children is so right.

Of course people can judge even when it's not their culture. Do you not judge female circumcision?

Yes I agree it's cruel OP. I could never send my 3yo away for a year.

I am not asking you to agree with my views but I am calling your blanket dismissal of a nuanced cultural practice as abusive to be xenophobic.

No one said that the fact it is cultural means it cannot be questioned. But the fact it is cultural does mean that you need to engage your brain and first understand the cultural context in order to understand the practice - something you have repeatedly refused to do. The cultural practice may be strange and alien to you but that is because you are trying to understand it through the lens of British culture - by doing so you’re not actually assessing the cultural practice we are discussing but assessing a made up scenario that does not exist. To do so is ignorant and the statements you have made are offensive and xenophobic.

Maybe ask yourself why you are more concerned about being accused of being xenophobic than actually being xenophobic.

I do understand your point of view. But I don’t agree with it. That makes neither of us wrong nor right. We just have a different view.

Look, children face danger and harm in every corner of this world. We have children in danger and being caused harm by their parents in our country (UK) right now. Lots of those parents would argue til they’re blue in the face that they are caring for their children the best way they can. Referrals for support for children brought up in abusive and harmful environments have increased. That says we have problems in our back yard too. If we want to criticise others for the way they bring up their children then we need to accept criticism of how we do things as well. It’s like that saying ‘people in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones’.

In what way? By pointing out the difference between people's personal opinions and them declaring something is categorically wrong and people are cruel because they don't personally understand it?

so you're saying it's categorically right to remove a 3 yerd old from their mother for a year?

You'd do the same with your 3 year old?

It's free rein for anybody to judge when a child is being mistreated or neglected.

There's different way of raising children - some are good, some are poor ... removing a 3 year old from their mother for a year o learn a language is one of the poorer decisions ...

Life is rarely so black and white. A childhood experience like this will rarely be "categorically" one way or the other. Who's to say the benefits of language and cultural exposure, and time spent with other loving caregivers wont outweigh any possible (if any) trauma from time away from mum?

You don't think it's cruel to part a three year old from their mother for a year...?

a 3 year old that will have no real understanding of why mum isn't around and why they've been placed with these grandparents in a country and language they don't understand.

Let's pretend that this happened to YOU this weekend op. You're getting sent to an unknown location to stay with people you barely know for a year, this is your husbands' decision. You have no choice but to go. The host family don't speak your language, you don't understand why this is being done You don't understand the norms. You talk to him on video chat and beg to come home to be with the kids, but he won't allow it, as this is a great experience for you, and you're learning a language, after all. And you'd come out of that year long experience perfectly happy, content with no ill feeling towards the person who sent you there? You wouldn't be confused, angry, upset... ? it wouldn't make you feel differently about the person who sent you there?

People are absolutely mental if they think this is ok, and has no ill effect on a small child. Just because people do it, doesn't mean it's right. There's; kids working on farms, mines, factories - that must be okay because millions of people allow it in their culture... there are kids that are growing up being filmed every moment for views on TikTok... that;s okay because so many people do it. THe kids are fine!!

in what way is a small child being separated from their mother for a year in order to learn a language, the right thing to do?

Please tell me why deliberately separating yourself from your own child for a year in order to learn a language is the right thing to do for their well being.

I'll wait.

Why do you think it is so cruel then? What makes you so certain the only outcome will be guaranteed trauma? Based upon what?

I would imagine it's also cruel for the mother tbh

Because mothers aren't always everything a child needs in life. A mother might sacrifice her own time with her child for her child's sake.
It's foolish to assume our way is always the right way. There are plenty of happier, healthier children being raised in ways you make no effort to understand.

No, I'm saying there's a difference between having an opinion and declaring something categorically right or wrong, so why would I then do that? I wouldn't personally, no. But I have zero family abroad and culturally the family model i grew up around isn't the same so it's irrelevant. Not sure what's so hard to comprehend, but whether someone personally agrees or disagrees with it isn't the issue, it's people declaring its wrong when they're ignorant to the surrounding factors.

It’s very normal in that culture to stay with DGPs whilst parents elsewhere. I don’t think it’s a good idea and a Chinese friend of mine did it with her first son but refused with her second - precisely because she frlt it eroded her relationship with the older boy, permanently. But not your business (which I know you appreciate already)

This is so true. Where do you think the babies and children are of most of the nurses looking after you in hospital? They aren't living in the HMOs with the nurses, I can tell you.

We are appalled by this until we actually need healthcare, and then we don't give a shit as a country.

So people don't get an opinion if someone happens to be from another culture?

Apparently not!

The bond between a child and grandparent can be very strong and in some cases stronger than the bond with the mother.

I wish I had done this

I don't believe any of the people on this thread saying it's ok would do the same with their child.

Just because it's a different culture doesn't mean it should be done. There's plenty of "culture" that is literally illegal. This should be as well IMO.

Can’t ever imagine doing it, older children here and the most ive been away from them is 2 nights on a girls trip. I hate being away from them and can’t imagine how much this little girl is going to miss her parents, her home and everything she knows.

At the same time, if this is something that is part of that culture, it will be normal for them and hopefully she is staying with loving grandparents/auntie etc. I still can’t get my head around how anyone could be away from their 3 year old for more than a few nights, but then there’s lots of things we’ll never understand from parenting in other cultures.

i’d rather have hugs, laughs, chats, precious time with my kids every day than a child who can speak another language.