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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband not earning minimum wage

66 replies

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 16:35

Hi long story but advise welcome.

Been together 12 years and have 2 young children. I work part time because of childcare costs and no stable childcare from family. I have offered to work full time to make the wage up, but he would have to work part time to look after the kids. Basically husband works for family company and he isn't earning minimum wage. I find this really stressful. He works really hard and works long days and really wants to provide for us as a family. But I am struggling as he seems to be living on a promise of success, but it doesnt seem to arrive and if anything the business seems in the worst position it has ever been. It was never really a problem as we just put x in the joint account and the rest of the money was our own independently but I am really noticing after 2 mat leaves and mortgage increase and dropping to partime.
I struggle with it because he has had to ask to be paid a number of times this year the day before our mortgage goes out and one month he wasn't paid until after our mortgage went out and it is making me feel sick.
This has caused a significant disconnect with me and his family because I am so hurt by it and feel really vulnerable. But I feel like the children and I are not being put before this family business. He often says he will get another job but he doesn't have the confidence to apply and feels he owes his loyality to his dad and the business. DH has had significant mental health problems this year and it has really took its toll and I don't think it is the answer to everything but I am at a point where I feel I need him to change jobs to help things improve and at least be paid for the work he is doing.
Very complex relationship between him and his dad. FIL very controlling,emotionally abusive to DH and recently physically abusive - but I have been told this is normal in family businesses by DH, but i havent spoke to FIL in approx 18months.
Please be kind, and we did consider finances prior to our children but things have significanlltly changed, we are meeting all our bills and have some money over but it feels tight with nursery fees also.

OP posts:
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7
Blackdow · 01/05/2025 16:37

Ultimatum time. He gets a proper job and leaves the family business totally; no helping out, no skipping proper job to give his dad a hand, no free labour. Nothing. He leaves that job and gets a proper job. Or you leave him. You cannot live like this.

TasWair · 01/05/2025 16:39

This is awful. Are they farmers OP? I know so many in this situation who work in farming.

Blackdow · 01/05/2025 16:41

What’s the deal with his national insurance and pension contributions? Are they following the law and making employer pension contributions and paying national insurance? If they’re not doing that then you’ll end up with no workplace pension and no right to state pension because they didn’t pay in.

Ginmonkeyagain · 01/05/2025 16:46

Your post is a bit sconfusing. Is the issue he is being paid late, he not being paid for all the hours he works or his agreed salary is less than minimum wage?

Ponderingwindow · 01/05/2025 16:46

This is divorce worthy.

it would be one thing if he wanted to be the primary caregiver and free you to work.

A job that doesn’t bring in at least NMW isn’t a job, it’s a hobby. If he wants to continue with it he should be doing it around your work schedule.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 01/05/2025 16:48

Until he sees you and the children as his family, not them, he will never prioritise you.

I am sorry OP

Notknots · 01/05/2025 16:50

Abuse of any kind id not normal in family businesses. Does your DH really believe that?

Could working for an abuser be contributing to his mental health problems?

It sounds like he needs a clean break from his father and family business.

It's time to put his own family, ie you and his children, first.

Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 16:58

I did think this is what I would hear @Blackdow my family and friends have said the same. I struggle with it because I do really love him but I feel like our family are put in a predicament every month.
@TasWair not farming I feel that would be more stable and so good for his wellbeing
@Blackdow I don't know he must pay NI and tax. But none of it makes sense he doesn't have a pension his dad told him not to get one, which this is another argument we have but I think it's because he won't want to make the employer contributions

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Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:03

@Ginmonkeyagain all of what you said so he works 45hours per week minimum, not salaried, so called minimum wage but it doesn't meet the hours worked even when deductions are applied- i cant make it make sense. Also never a set paydate and is paid late.

OP posts:
UniqueRedSquid · 01/05/2025 17:05

He needs to stand up for himself. Leave and chase money owed via the legal route if necessary.

Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:05

@Outrageistheopiateofthemasses so I have said this to him that I feel he prioritises his parents as his family over his children and myself. Which really upsets me and I don't know where to go with it.
@Notknots I do think this contributes massively to his mh and I think he minimises what happens because he doesn't want to think how his dad is treating him is so bad

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InWithPeaceOutWithStress · 01/05/2025 17:07

I bet they are evading tax by paying him informally out the business. The business doesn’t sound profitable or viable.

Ginmonkeyagain · 01/05/2025 17:07

Ok. If yoir DH is an employee they are acting illegally on a number of fronts.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/05/2025 17:07

Blackdow · 01/05/2025 16:37

Ultimatum time. He gets a proper job and leaves the family business totally; no helping out, no skipping proper job to give his dad a hand, no free labour. Nothing. He leaves that job and gets a proper job. Or you leave him. You cannot live like this.

this
and report
If your employer pays less - National Minimum Wage - Acas

Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:10

@UniqueRedSquid he is always promised the business like its a carrot dangled. But realistically it will be split between him and siblings. But how long is he willing to cope with that his dad is only 65. He needs to make a choice and I know that. I feel gaslit as I am always told my responses are unreasonable and it hasn't got anything to do with me I find this hurtful.

OP posts:
crankycurmudgeon · 01/05/2025 17:10

What industry is the family business in, how many employees?

ladyofshertonabbas · 01/05/2025 17:11

That is a stressful life, you gotta get out of that.

Lovelynames123 · 01/05/2025 17:12

Is the business actually profitable, but they're paying him less to pay themselves more, higher dividends etc?

LumpyPumpkin · 01/05/2025 17:14

Your husband needs to start applying for jobs immediately. Any job will do for now. Once he gets one, he needs to quit working for his family, cut contact with his abusive father and then report the business for failing to pay minimum wage.

It's not normal and it's not ok.

Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:15

@ThinWomansBrain thanks for this I will take a look.
@InWithPeaceOutWithStress but he gets payslips, he is employed. Surely he exists to the tax man. I don't know anything about employment. I just go to work and get paid so I have never dealt with it in my job.

OP posts:
C152 · 01/05/2025 17:18

Can you afford for him to quit and take a month to rest and get himself together before he starts looking for a new job? I think, ultimately, that's what needs to happen. It's not sustainable for him to continue giving his time free of charge to his father. I mean, you could shop his employer to HMRC for failing to pay NMW, but they're obviously going to guess it was you, which would probably spell the end of your relationship...

Blueskies25 · 01/05/2025 17:24

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:10

@UniqueRedSquid he is always promised the business like its a carrot dangled. But realistically it will be split between him and siblings. But how long is he willing to cope with that his dad is only 65. He needs to make a choice and I know that. I feel gaslit as I am always told my responses are unreasonable and it hasn't got anything to do with me I find this hurtful.

Do his siblings also work for the business

Do you think the FIL is paying himself a higher wage or is everyone at the company paid below the minimum wage

Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:25

I knew it was bad but it feels worse now I have written it down. Small business 5 employees but everyone else is paid appropriately but because he is the son he is expected to work for less until it comes good. Promised it will be his business. No dividends for Dh thats for sure. I will have to come up with a plan.

OP posts:
Blueskies25 · 01/05/2025 17:27

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:25

I knew it was bad but it feels worse now I have written it down. Small business 5 employees but everyone else is paid appropriately but because he is the son he is expected to work for less until it comes good. Promised it will be his business. No dividends for Dh thats for sure. I will have to come up with a plan.

Is the business even worth anything if he inherits it

Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:29

No siblings don't work there but it has been mentioned it should be split by fil but then said it will be his, it is so conflicting. Tbh I have said about him getting any job I send them all the time but no action on it from his side

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