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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband not earning minimum wage

66 replies

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 16:35

Hi long story but advise welcome.

Been together 12 years and have 2 young children. I work part time because of childcare costs and no stable childcare from family. I have offered to work full time to make the wage up, but he would have to work part time to look after the kids. Basically husband works for family company and he isn't earning minimum wage. I find this really stressful. He works really hard and works long days and really wants to provide for us as a family. But I am struggling as he seems to be living on a promise of success, but it doesnt seem to arrive and if anything the business seems in the worst position it has ever been. It was never really a problem as we just put x in the joint account and the rest of the money was our own independently but I am really noticing after 2 mat leaves and mortgage increase and dropping to partime.
I struggle with it because he has had to ask to be paid a number of times this year the day before our mortgage goes out and one month he wasn't paid until after our mortgage went out and it is making me feel sick.
This has caused a significant disconnect with me and his family because I am so hurt by it and feel really vulnerable. But I feel like the children and I are not being put before this family business. He often says he will get another job but he doesn't have the confidence to apply and feels he owes his loyality to his dad and the business. DH has had significant mental health problems this year and it has really took its toll and I don't think it is the answer to everything but I am at a point where I feel I need him to change jobs to help things improve and at least be paid for the work he is doing.
Very complex relationship between him and his dad. FIL very controlling,emotionally abusive to DH and recently physically abusive - but I have been told this is normal in family businesses by DH, but i havent spoke to FIL in approx 18months.
Please be kind, and we did consider finances prior to our children but things have significanlltly changed, we are meeting all our bills and have some money over but it feels tight with nursery fees also.

OP posts:
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7
Blackdow · 01/05/2025 17:31

First, check his state pension to ensure his dad has been paying national insurance.

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

Get that checked now.

Then, have a proper conversation. Give him the ultimatum. He has a family to support so he needs to get a job. It is ridiculous as well that he is in employment and has no workplace pension, so you’re going to only have his state pension for his contribution when you both retire. You’ll be supporting his retirement because he won’t be able to afford it.

He needs a proper job with proper pay and a pension.

Check your State Pension forecast

Find out how much State Pension you could get (your forecast), when you could get it and how you could increase it

https://www.gov.uk/check-state-pension

user1471538283 · 01/05/2025 17:37

This isn't working now nor will it in the future. The business might only be sustainable because he's not being paid properly.

I'd tell him. He either gets a proper job or that's it. Your DC cannot live like this. He could do this for 30 more years and end up with no pension and no job.

DoRayMeMeMe · 01/05/2025 17:50

I think you are both hopelessly naive to assume that your FIL won’t fuck over his own child. He is already stealing from your husband, your children, and (of course he isn’t making pension contributions) all your futures.

The thing is though, as an abuser, your FIL thinks your DH deserves to be treated likes this- because he puts up with it. He will financially rape your family, until your husband either walks away, or grows a backbone and puts a stop to it himself.

There won’t be a will so it will be divided between everyone. You know how your FIL thinks and behaves, so your husband is going to have to match him. He is going to have to face him down. But HMRC might help you out here.

Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:51

Thanks everyone. I will check back in after bedtime. Really appreciate you all taking your time to give advise.

OP posts:
Aliceglass · 01/05/2025 17:51

This is a serious problem as I’m sure you’re aware. Is your partners Dad controlling in other ways?
In any other small business set up I’ve worked in it’s normally the bosses kids that get paid the most and work the least.
I’m sure his dad is making a pretty penny out of it but keeping you in poverty. Sounds like coercive behaviour to me.

DeathNote11 · 01/05/2025 17:55

He's trapped in an abusive relationship. He'll only leave it when he's ready to. So you either have to keep on patiently waiting & nudging him in the right direction, or leave yourself. I'd seek advice from your local domestic abuse service provider. See what they suggest. This situation needs more than you're able to do on your own, please seek help. So sorry you're going through it.

WellINeverrr · 01/05/2025 18:29

Blackdow · 01/05/2025 16:37

Ultimatum time. He gets a proper job and leaves the family business totally; no helping out, no skipping proper job to give his dad a hand, no free labour. Nothing. He leaves that job and gets a proper job. Or you leave him. You cannot live like this.

This is the only answer.

Tartanboots · 01/05/2025 18:51

This sounds dreadful and something needs to change. Can he leave this job and look after the kids while you get a full time job? What's stopping him leaving this job? His dad is treating him like a slave.

StMarie4me · 01/05/2025 18:55

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:03

@Ginmonkeyagain all of what you said so he works 45hours per week minimum, not salaried, so called minimum wage but it doesn't meet the hours worked even when deductions are applied- i cant make it make sense. Also never a set paydate and is paid late.

He needs to check that tax and NI are being paid, as even on PAYE it is the employee’s responsibility.

All sounds head in the sand illegal to me. And he’ll have no pension contributions either.

ThinWomansBrain · 01/05/2025 20:50

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:29

No siblings don't work there but it has been mentioned it should be split by fil but then said it will be his, it is so conflicting. Tbh I have said about him getting any job I send them all the time but no action on it from his side

The earlier "until it comes good" doesn't sound good - is the business worth inheriting/taking over if it's not making a profit or earning enough to pay even minimum wage?
Could well continue as it is and be a millstone rather than something worth inheriting.

Unless FiL is taking excessive wage or dividends out of the business🙄
Have you seen the accounts, or can DH get hold of them/see them anyway as part of his work?

Original poster
Koalalife · 01/05/2025 21:10

I gave him an ultimatum and I feel like shit about it. Because I know how hard he has worked and it really isn't in my nature to give ultimatums. I have never gone with ultimatums, he has said he will find a new job but he is really upset about it. He has put his whole working life into the business and he now feels pushed to give up on it. I hope we will get through this. I think there are complexities to this that I don't understand but he feels like he has helped build something and I am making him give it up.
It has been a really difficult time And I would never normally post on here.

OP posts:
blettedmedlar · 01/05/2025 21:11

This is so screwed up. He needs to find a proper job, and if he won’t, I think this is where you need to seriously consider the future of the relationship.

cannynotsay · 01/05/2025 21:12

What kind of business is this! One day you may wake up to him having no job he needs to think of you all! Also your Husband would have had to of opted out of the pension scheme. Why can’t he see his Dad is taking advantage of him, it’s financial abuse too

Blackdow · 01/05/2025 21:21

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 21:10

I gave him an ultimatum and I feel like shit about it. Because I know how hard he has worked and it really isn't in my nature to give ultimatums. I have never gone with ultimatums, he has said he will find a new job but he is really upset about it. He has put his whole working life into the business and he now feels pushed to give up on it. I hope we will get through this. I think there are complexities to this that I don't understand but he feels like he has helped build something and I am making him give it up.
It has been a really difficult time And I would never normally post on here.

He’s built something which is failing. If they can’t pay staff then the business isn’t viable. He needs to do something worthwhile.

caringcarer · 01/05/2025 21:43

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 16:58

I did think this is what I would hear @Blackdow my family and friends have said the same. I struggle with it because I do really love him but I feel like our family are put in a predicament every month.
@TasWair not farming I feel that would be more stable and so good for his wellbeing
@Blackdow I don't know he must pay NI and tax. But none of it makes sense he doesn't have a pension his dad told him not to get one, which this is another argument we have but I think it's because he won't want to make the employer contributions

He needs to get a job for a different employer. Could you help him with application? If FiL complains tell him you'll report him for not paying minimum wage. Your DH needs to be building up his pension. Your DH is suffering from abuse from his Dad and speaking with a counsellor would help him to understand this. Push for joint counselling.

Blueskies25 · 01/05/2025 22:03

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 21:10

I gave him an ultimatum and I feel like shit about it. Because I know how hard he has worked and it really isn't in my nature to give ultimatums. I have never gone with ultimatums, he has said he will find a new job but he is really upset about it. He has put his whole working life into the business and he now feels pushed to give up on it. I hope we will get through this. I think there are complexities to this that I don't understand but he feels like he has helped build something and I am making him give it up.
It has been a really difficult time And I would never normally post on here.

Is he going to say you forced him into leaving the family business and the family will turn against him

Is there a possibility he could stay there if he said to his father he would leave unless he is paid properly and on time as his family need the money, then if his father doesn’t agree to it, it is really his father who is forcing him out

NattyTurtle59 · 01/05/2025 23:15

I would be advising your DH to find a proper job. The whole thing sounds toxic, and no, it isn't normal in a family business. His father sounds awful, why on earth does he think he owes him any loyalty? Loyalty works both ways.

Malagase · 01/05/2025 23:57

This is financially abusive and illegal.

His father could live another 25 years and still holding the reins.

Nasty abusive types like to control.
His father's going nowhere.
He needs to report his father and get his back pay paid.

Get legal advice.
Speak to ACAS.

SullysBabyMama · 02/05/2025 00:16

So your DH is being kept as a slave, but doesn’t realise it as he thinks he will one day be paid for his work by inheriting the imaginary successful business?
If the business hasn’t become successful in all these years what’s going to change anytime in the future?

Tbrh · 02/05/2025 00:33

What's the actual business plan? Incoming, outgoing, profit projections etc? Is this available? If this exists that's promising, but if it doesn't its a huge red flag and likely the business will go bust

Velmy · 02/05/2025 01:19

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

As others have said, this is financial abuse and FIL is potentially acting illegally.

There will almost certainly not be a satisfactory outcome here, in terms of all parties walking away happy.

Your partner needs to make a clean break and do as much as he can to secure his interests moving forward. He will need to find out if he is up to date RE: tax and NI. He will need to figure out his pension situation (state & private).

Hopefully he will be able to transfer his skills to a new job/industry.

This will not be easy for him; he'll need your patience and support. Good luck.

altmember · 02/05/2025 02:36

Is he a director of this company? (Sounds like he probably isn't) Directors are exempt from nmw legislation and believe also workplace pension rules.

If the business is profitable enough that all the other employees are appropriately renumerated then it's particularly unfair. If it's because the business is going through a rough patch and they're just hanging on then maybe it's more understandable (assuming there's a light at the end of the tunnel). Do you know if his dad is drawing a proper salary and/or dividends or is he making similar sacrifice to keep the company afloat?

Ultimately the only solution is for him to stand up to his dad.

FrankbyNature · 02/05/2025 03:56

You've done the right thing.

Claim your space and the respect anyone deserves.

Why would someone not want to pay their child for a job done well is beyond me. Not being able to pay your mortgage on time is having a direct effect on your wellbeing.

Comtesse · 02/05/2025 07:02

Your husband is being financially abused by his father. Something has got to change. I’m not surprised it’s affecting his mental health.