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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband not earning minimum wage

66 replies

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 16:35

Hi long story but advise welcome.

Been together 12 years and have 2 young children. I work part time because of childcare costs and no stable childcare from family. I have offered to work full time to make the wage up, but he would have to work part time to look after the kids. Basically husband works for family company and he isn't earning minimum wage. I find this really stressful. He works really hard and works long days and really wants to provide for us as a family. But I am struggling as he seems to be living on a promise of success, but it doesnt seem to arrive and if anything the business seems in the worst position it has ever been. It was never really a problem as we just put x in the joint account and the rest of the money was our own independently but I am really noticing after 2 mat leaves and mortgage increase and dropping to partime.
I struggle with it because he has had to ask to be paid a number of times this year the day before our mortgage goes out and one month he wasn't paid until after our mortgage went out and it is making me feel sick.
This has caused a significant disconnect with me and his family because I am so hurt by it and feel really vulnerable. But I feel like the children and I are not being put before this family business. He often says he will get another job but he doesn't have the confidence to apply and feels he owes his loyality to his dad and the business. DH has had significant mental health problems this year and it has really took its toll and I don't think it is the answer to everything but I am at a point where I feel I need him to change jobs to help things improve and at least be paid for the work he is doing.
Very complex relationship between him and his dad. FIL very controlling,emotionally abusive to DH and recently physically abusive - but I have been told this is normal in family businesses by DH, but i havent spoke to FIL in approx 18months.
Please be kind, and we did consider finances prior to our children but things have significanlltly changed, we are meeting all our bills and have some money over but it feels tight with nursery fees also.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

BlossomBlanket · 02/05/2025 07:05

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 01/05/2025 16:48

Until he sees you and the children as his family, not them, he will never prioritise you.

I am sorry OP

This is sadly at the crux of it

AndImBrit · 02/05/2025 07:33

Note that if he is a director of the company then minimum wage laws may not apply to him, so the company isn’t necessarily breaking the law.

BUT that’s a separate issue as to whether this is sustainable for your family

CuppaC0ffeetax · 02/05/2025 07:57

www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Welcome to GOV.UK

GOV.UK - The best place to find government services and information.

http://www.gov.uk

CuppaC0ffeetax · 02/05/2025 07:58

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

Check your National Insurance record

Find out if you've paid enough National Insurance to qualify for the full State Pension - check gaps, contributions and credits, get a National Insurance statement, call the helpline.

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record

CuppaC0ffeetax · 02/05/2025 08:00

What is stopping your family for claiming child care if you work more hours ?

Or is your youngest too young to claim the childcare ?

CuppaC0ffeetax · 02/05/2025 08:01

https://www.gov.uk/workplace-pensions

Workplace pensions

Workplace pensions and automatic enrolment - how you're affected, how pensions are protected, what happens if you move job or go on maternity leave and how to opt out

https://www.gov.uk/workplace-pensions

everythingthelighttouches · 02/05/2025 08:03

I have several thoughts. You can look at this emotionally or practically but either way, your husband is treating you terribly.

Emotionally
Your husband is being abused but he is also financially abusing you and he is not providing for his children.

He is an adult and awful though the abuse by his father to him may be, he does have agency . Your children do not. They are dependent on him and it is his responsibility to protect his children. He is not doing this.
(it is also your responsibility to protect your children).

Practically
Sorry but he needs to get a second job.
45 hours per week is not loads.
. He needs to work 70 hours a week and put food on the table. Anything. Supermarket/warehouse work would be a start.
Tough but plenty of people do it.

Check companies house. Who are the directors of the company? Is he one? Is he being paid in dividends that you don’t know about?

This is the beginning of a negotiation. Stay firm (for you and him and your children). He will have to tell his father now and ultimately his father may choose to pay him more to keep him.

GabriellaMontez · 02/05/2025 08:07

This is awful.

He's being treated like a modern day slave.

His dad is breaking several laws. Just from what you've told us here.

I appreciate your dh is a victim. But that doesn't mean you have to be a victim too.

You're right to get away from this. You're effectively enabling your fil to continue this treatment. You deserve better.

CuppaC0ffeetax · 02/05/2025 08:13

https://www.gov.uk/workplace-pensions-employers

Set up and manage a workplace pension scheme

Workplace pensions - what employers have to do, automatic enrolment, ongoing duties, stakeholder pensions

https://www.gov.uk/workplace-pensions-employers

CuppaC0ffeetax · 02/05/2025 08:15

https://www.gov.uk/payslips

Payslips: employee rights

Wage slips must show any deductions and explain them - not everyone has the right to a payslip

https://www.gov.uk/payslips

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 02/05/2025 08:16

Your DH is deep in the FOG. He loves and feels obliged to his family, he's never known them any other way so their behaviour is 'normal' to him. He's been brought up to be obedient and to do as he is told - so he's just continuing to do that. He will find it extraordinarily hard to break away, whatever ultimatums you give him, and he needs therapy to help him see what is actually happening to him.

MoodyMargaret11 · 02/05/2025 08:35

As abused and gaslit your DH may be, surely he must be seeing the direct effects happening??
He's seen his pay being a pittance, inadequate to support his children.
Seen his pay arrive late, making mortgage and other bills paid late.
Agreeing to waive off his pension - what is he going to rely on in retirement?

And then he blames you for asking him to get a new job! What he is doing is extremely selfish and actually abusive - to his children and wife, who should be his main priority.

Original poster

Koalalife · 02/05/2025 08:41

We spoke about it all more openly than we have. DH says he will have a conversation with him. Ultimately for me I expect to be treated fairly us all to be treated fairly, we are putting food on the table and bills are paid but it feels tight.

There has been more response than i expected so sorry if i skipped your comment.
Childcare dc attend 30hrs per week, lo will get 30 hours from Sept 2025 as per childcare initiative and that will open up for me to work more with less of a financial burden from nursery or at the same cost. We have spoke about a 2nd job but I think he needs a clean break.

I think there are complexities that I don't understand DH is in therapy which means I do have to tread carefully. I have mentioned financial abuse for a long time but he wouldn't ever admit it And i imagine that is hard to think about from your own family. The financial control I find suffocating and is ultimately why I stopped my contact with FIL but I do agree that DH is allowing this to happen to us. So I feel very conflicted between this is hard for DH and he needs to sort him self out for us.

OP posts:

FrankbyNature · 02/05/2025 08:48

Abusive family relationships are common and a real burden for all it affects.

Sometimes the only remedy is to break off all contact, but he needs to come to that conclusion, you cannot do that for him.

What you can do, and by the looks of things have already inroads into that, is to say that you are not willing to be affected by that dysfunctionality and draw some clear lines.

Power to your elbow.

Ophy83 · 02/05/2025 09:01

Is there any chance you could move away to make a new start elsewhere? He may find it easier to tell his father that he is leaving the business because of the move than to face the anger/abuse he is likely to get if he gives the real reason.

Crazyworldmum · 02/05/2025 09:05

Koalalife · 01/05/2025 17:15

@ThinWomansBrain thanks for this I will take a look.
@InWithPeaceOutWithStress but he gets payslips, he is employed. Surely he exists to the tax man. I don't know anything about employment. I just go to work and get paid so I have never dealt with it in my job.

You can go online and see what tax and NI is paid by creating an account

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