Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to attend this event!

80 replies

lenalove · 01/05/2025 10:29

Hi everyone!

I am genuinely not sure if AIBU about this so would welcome some feedback.

An old friend of mine (we used to be very close but in recent years don't see each other as frequently, still get along well though etc) is having a milestone birthday party this summer. It will be a joint party hosted with someone I have not met before, taking place at a venue/accommodation that has been rented out for a long weekend (3 nights). We have been asked to contribute £100 for venue hire, regardless of whether attending 1, 2 or 3 nights. I have around 4 close friends who will be attending.

The venue is a c. 4 hour train trip or car ride from where most of us live. This means that realistically attending for 1 night would be pretty knackering and not cost effective. I would therefore have to go for 2 nights. My main issue is this: I have a DD who at that point will be 15 months. I am extremely fortunate in that my DM is very happy to babysit and regularly helps with childcare, and of course my DH would be around too. However, I would really rather not leave DD for 2 nights for something that honestly doesn't really appeal to me that much, and could really do without spending up to £200 on accommodation and train fares.

For additional context, I am the only one with a child (had her fairly young) and at times feel a bit misunderstood when I try to explain the reality of how this impacts planning and finances.

Do I just suck it up and go? Friend has made it pretty clear she would be very upset and disappointed by close friends not attending.

Do I make up an excuse? Do I just tell friend honestly and bear the consequences to friendship?

Thanks for reading if you got this far - looking forward to input.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 01/05/2025 10:31

Asking guests to contribute to your fancy birthday party is beyond unreasonable.

I’d decline.

Wishimaywishimight · 01/05/2025 10:35

I'm a lot older than you (50s) and have long since worked out where my priorities lie. For a very close friend / sibling I would certainly do this however for someone I "used to" be very close to it's far too much expense / faff for me. Also someone making it "pretty clear" she would be upset would irritate me. It's all very well issuing these invitations (and being expected to pay!) but you have to accept, with good grace, that some people simply don't want to go.

WomenInSTEM · 01/05/2025 10:36

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/05/2025 10:31

Asking guests to contribute to your fancy birthday party is beyond unreasonable.

I’d decline.

Me too.

Spirallingdownwards · 01/05/2025 10:37

No I would decline the invitation to fund their and another unknown random's fancy party that they can't afford to fund but want to have for their social media content

Redpeach · 01/05/2025 10:40

If the money is for accomodation, that's ok surely? If you can afford it, i would go, life is for living and you'll most likeky have an amazing time and a nice little break from childcare

flowerfairyy · 01/05/2025 10:41

What a cheek asking you to pay to celebrate their birthday. Not a chance. She won’t get thats it’s harder to organise nights away with a child but to out you under pressure is really shit of her

HamptonPlace · 01/05/2025 10:42

just don't go! Weird to be asking invitees to chip in for someone else's party...

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 01/05/2025 10:42

Sounds awful.
Just decline. If she's angry then she's angry, but to expect someone to go to that level of expense and travel so far for a birthday is outrageous. She can ask, but should be understanding at people wanting to refuse.
I spent FAR too many years doing things I really didn't want to for a now ex friend. It used to make me stressed and miserable. I can't tell you how freeing it is to let go of all that and be confident in just saying no.

Eenameenadeeka · 01/05/2025 10:43

I think it's normal when people contribute for accommodation on situations like this.
I wouldn't go, I wouldn't want to travel that far from my baby. If they don't understand that now, they might in future if they have children

Redpeach · 01/05/2025 10:44

HamptonPlace · 01/05/2025 10:42

just don't go! Weird to be asking invitees to chip in for someone else's party...

Its not weird if you're paying for a bed in the venue, quite normal

PassivAggressivHaus · 01/05/2025 10:44

You don't want to spend the time so far from your baby. No excuse needed.

Redpeach · 01/05/2025 10:46

Baby will be fine, go, have fun

Scousemousey · 01/05/2025 10:50

If you aren't excited to go, just politely decline. She'll get over it.
Personally I think it's very cheeky to ask guests to pay towards it, when they are already having to pay for the hotel. Ffs.

Endofyear · 01/05/2025 10:50

If you don't want to go and spend £200, don't go. It doesn't have to be a drama. If your friend is upset, that's unfortunate but really, not your problem.

Cotonsugar · 01/05/2025 10:51

I wouldn’t want to go, especially after being asked to contribute to the venue - very cheeky. I would probably use the childcare excuse. She will understand one day if she has children. Nobody should have a problem with you wanting to leave your child for any period of time either.

NeedToChangeName · 01/05/2025 10:56

Is it a large self catering house or similar? If so, I think it's reasonable to pay for accommodation

If you already said you'd go, YABU for pulling out, especially if it means you're expecting others to pay extra to make up the cost

Birthday girl IBU to place demands on people that they myst attemd

Daleksatemyshed · 01/05/2025 11:25

If you're not fussed about going Op then turn them down. For the time and money involved it would have to be something I was keen to do, you don't sound keen at all

neilyoungismyhero · 01/05/2025 11:29

If she is/was that close a friend she should understand that your circumstances have changed more than most. Disappointing for her and you but life gets in the way of social activities sometimes. I wouldn't want to leave my young child nor pay out £100 for the privilege. Just politely decline then you'll find out how much she values your friendship.

Livpool · 01/05/2025 11:33

MrsSkylerWhite · 01/05/2025 10:31

Asking guests to contribute to your fancy birthday party is beyond unreasonable.

I’d decline.

I agree! That’s the first time I have heard of someone doing this and I wouldn’t bother going

Redpeach · 01/05/2025 11:35

Livpool · 01/05/2025 11:33

I agree! That’s the first time I have heard of someone doing this and I wouldn’t bother going

Show quote history

Its not contributing to the party per se but the accommodation

Malagase · 01/05/2025 11:59

Absolutely not.
It doesn't suit you.
Let her be upset.
Children change things.

Hastentoadd · 01/05/2025 12:01

lenalove · 01/05/2025 10:29

Hi everyone!

I am genuinely not sure if AIBU about this so would welcome some feedback.

An old friend of mine (we used to be very close but in recent years don't see each other as frequently, still get along well though etc) is having a milestone birthday party this summer. It will be a joint party hosted with someone I have not met before, taking place at a venue/accommodation that has been rented out for a long weekend (3 nights). We have been asked to contribute £100 for venue hire, regardless of whether attending 1, 2 or 3 nights. I have around 4 close friends who will be attending.

The venue is a c. 4 hour train trip or car ride from where most of us live. This means that realistically attending for 1 night would be pretty knackering and not cost effective. I would therefore have to go for 2 nights. My main issue is this: I have a DD who at that point will be 15 months. I am extremely fortunate in that my DM is very happy to babysit and regularly helps with childcare, and of course my DH would be around too. However, I would really rather not leave DD for 2 nights for something that honestly doesn't really appeal to me that much, and could really do without spending up to £200 on accommodation and train fares.

For additional context, I am the only one with a child (had her fairly young) and at times feel a bit misunderstood when I try to explain the reality of how this impacts planning and finances.

Do I just suck it up and go? Friend has made it pretty clear she would be very upset and disappointed by close friends not attending.

Do I make up an excuse? Do I just tell friend honestly and bear the consequences to friendship?

Thanks for reading if you got this far - looking forward to input.

I would make up a really good excuse and not go

Amiwrongamiright · 01/05/2025 12:11

I think OP means that her friend is hiring out an air b n b for 3 nights and is asking who wants to attend at a cost of £100 per person. In my opinion a 3 night weekend away for £33 a night is relatively cheap! If you can afford it though. Obviously you’ll have train costs plus any activities.

Life is too short, if you don’t want to go - say sorry you’re unable to attend. Don’t waste lots of time pondering about it. It’s not like you’re in 2 minds about it, you’ve admitted you don’t want too.

Amiwrongamiright · 01/05/2025 12:12

Hastentoadd · 01/05/2025 12:01

I would make up a really good excuse and not go

Show quote history

It’s the making up an excuse that people struggle with. Messaging back “sorry X I’m unable to attend, have an amazing time and we should catch up soon!” Is a valid enough reply.

no lies, no stress, no what if I get caught out. Just honest “I can’t go”

SwanOfThoseThings · 01/05/2025 12:17

I wouldn't be paying for the venue hire! What a cheek.

Swipe left for the next trending thread