To not want to attend this event!

[lenalove]

Hi everyone!

I am genuinely not sure if AIBU about this so would welcome some feedback.

An old friend of mine (we used to be very close but in recent years don't see each other as frequently, still get along well though etc) is having a milestone birthday party this summer. It will be a joint party hosted with someone I have not met before, taking place at a venue/accommodation that has been rented out for a long weekend (3 nights). We have been asked to contribute £100 for venue hire, regardless of whether attending 1, 2 or 3 nights. I have around 4 close friends who will be attending.

The venue is a c. 4 hour train trip or car ride from where most of us live. This means that realistically attending for 1 night would be pretty knackering and not cost effective. I would therefore have to go for 2 nights. My main issue is this: I have a DD who at that point will be 15 months. I am extremely fortunate in that my DM is very happy to babysit and regularly helps with childcare, and of course my DH would be around too. However, I would really rather not leave DD for 2 nights for something that honestly doesn't really appeal to me that much, and could really do without spending up to £200 on accommodation and train fares.

For additional context, I am the only one with a child (had her fairly young) and at times feel a bit misunderstood when I try to explain the reality of how this impacts planning and finances.

Do I just suck it up and go? Friend has made it pretty clear she would be very upset and disappointed by close friends not attending.

Do I make up an excuse? Do I just tell friend honestly and bear the consequences to friendship?

Thanks for reading if you got this far - looking forward to input.

You certainly have no obligation to attend - and certainly not if you have to contribute to costs?!?? What a load of garbage - make your excuses and be done with it

I hate the concept of giving excuses or explanations. OP has said she doesn’t really fancy it and £s and childcare also come into consideration.She’s decided, given those factors she doesn’t want to go.

I’d just say ‘Sorry, I’m not able to attend, it doesn’t work for me, have a great time’. If pressed, I’d say ‘I took everything into consideration and it just doesn’t work for me’. If pressed further say ‘I’m sorry, I don’t have to share all my thought processes and personal details’.

Never apologise, never explain.

'Friend has made it pretty clear she would be very upset and disappointed by close friends not attending.'

That in itself would make me not want to go.

H

@Amiwrongamiright , I think you've posted on the wrong thread. OP's DD is not 15 months old yet.

For me (tho every one is different) when my dd was a baby I wouldn’t have wanted to leave her that far away for 2 nights. Dd is now 6 and I still haven’t left her for longer than a night as I haven’t wanted to.
Another factor for me would be that you and friend are not that close now and you don’t know the other person, so I’m not sure I’d want to pay out all the expense and travel that far for that.
However you mention other close friends are going so it may be good get together from that point of view.
It’s the sort of thing I may have said yes to before I had a child tbh (depending on finances).
I have a group trip (inc my best friend) planned for later in the year along similar expense and travel time to your event, which could mean being away from dd 2 nights tho is doable in 1 - so I’m more than likely going to do one night, but in all honesty I’m not even 100 per cent sure I’ll go to that and that’s including my best friend.

I have a big birthday this year and have different friends with different levels of income, different circumstances, different likes and dislikes.

I thought about asking a handful of friends to come away somewhere nice with me to celebrate but to get somewhere nice with enough space and privacy it costs an arm and a leg then the food and drink on top. I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking people to come along and contribute to the costs and I couldn’t afford to cover it all (not to mention agreeing dates) so I am doing buggar all.

But having said that if you knew about the costs, distances involved from the offset. Then YABU for letting her down and being responsible for the others now having to pay extra or find a random to take your place and your friend is being unreasonable for expecting everyone to pay to take part and then try to guilt trip them.

Politely decline, never mind the response.

Stop supporting this excuse for spending at overpriced venues called milestone birthdays.

its not the only cost though is it, you’ve said train fare but food, drinks, taxis? I find these things spiral fairly fast especially if people start to drop out. I imabine that cost is based on everyone saying yes, what if 2/3 people say no, what’s the cost then?
im not a fan of people being pressured to spend their money on things other people have chosen. If it was an agreed trip before everyone wanted to do thats different.
i was meant to go to a hen that went from £50 to £150 fairly fast for accommodation (20 years ago) and I had to then drop out and lose the money on train fare as it was getting more and more as people said no.

i have heard a few parents say that they were always too busy to attend events with friends, and then invites start to dry up, and suddenly they realize how small their friendship group has become. I think I would pay the £100 and go for one night just as a good will gesture

Exactly this.

my friends and I have no issues with declining things others in the group have suggested due to finances. If she's a good friend, she'll accept it. If she makes a fuss - then she wouldn't be worth spending the money on anyway

OP your initial post had reason after reason after reason not to go! Would it be possible for you to suggest a nice meal together at a different time to celebrate?

@Happyinarcon , it's not £100, there's the 4-hour journey to pay for too.

Friendships can dry up for many different reasons.

Yes I would much prefer to catch up one on one over a nice dinner, would definitely suggest this as an alternative!

You say she said she’d be very disappointed if close friends didn’t turn up - I’m sure she would given she needs those number to pay for her party by the sounds of it! 😅

Maybe say you will treat her to dinner as a present

Just tell her you aren’t available.

So you’d be paying not just for your friend’s party but also for a person you’ve never met? That’s serious CFery. Just decline and send a nice present and card.

This

CFery at the highest level.

"I know we want a fantastic party spread over several days, it's going to cost £3,000."

"How do we pay for it"
"Lets invite 30 people we know and get them to pay £100 each"
"Wizzo...actually let's invite 40 and make a profit"

piss and taking

She probably expects a present as well the cheeky cow! It would end up being more than £200 if it’s self catering because you’d have to pay to eat out, buy food for the house and have celebration drinks.

An excuse won’t go down any better than the truth. I’d just tell her you’d only be able to get one night away because of childcare and it’s too expensive for one night.

I get your point , but would you really want to be friends with someone who expects you to pay quite a considerable amount for their birthday party 4 hours from where you live?

Especially as they are not as close as they once were.

No you are quite right, it is just imprecisely referenced in the OP. I am v much overly literal and the fact that sentence didn't start "Whoever wants to attend" (or similar) threw my overly literal brain!!!!!

When my friend had her 50th she wanted a special evening with all her good friends around her.
It was May 2009 and the economy was going tits up with some people losing their jobs.

Her husband took the two children to visit his parents leaving her at home alone for 2 nights.

Her friends did a dish each, savory,salad, sweet, we all brough along drinks.
There were 20 of us.

Fantastic night, went on till morning.
Definitely one of the best 50ths I ever attended.
Cost so little but was a really special memorable night.

Just no

4 hours driving each way too
Petrol, present, accommodation etc
No.
It's just a birthday.