To not want to attend this event!

[lenalove]

Hi everyone!

I am genuinely not sure if AIBU about this so would welcome some feedback.

An old friend of mine (we used to be very close but in recent years don't see each other as frequently, still get along well though etc) is having a milestone birthday party this summer. It will be a joint party hosted with someone I have not met before, taking place at a venue/accommodation that has been rented out for a long weekend (3 nights). We have been asked to contribute £100 for venue hire, regardless of whether attending 1, 2 or 3 nights. I have around 4 close friends who will be attending.

The venue is a c. 4 hour train trip or car ride from where most of us live. This means that realistically attending for 1 night would be pretty knackering and not cost effective. I would therefore have to go for 2 nights. My main issue is this: I have a DD who at that point will be 15 months. I am extremely fortunate in that my DM is very happy to babysit and regularly helps with childcare, and of course my DH would be around too. However, I would really rather not leave DD for 2 nights for something that honestly doesn't really appeal to me that much, and could really do without spending up to £200 on accommodation and train fares.

For additional context, I am the only one with a child (had her fairly young) and at times feel a bit misunderstood when I try to explain the reality of how this impacts planning and finances.

Do I just suck it up and go? Friend has made it pretty clear she would be very upset and disappointed by close friends not attending.

Do I make up an excuse? Do I just tell friend honestly and bear the consequences to friendship?

Thanks for reading if you got this far - looking forward to input.

no lies, no stress, no what if I get caught out. Just honest “I can’t go‘’

This does not cut it with some people, they will want to know why….only OP knows her friend and whether that would work

I find it telling that you’ve said your mum will be around to babysit and then mentioned your husband second.

I thought you were a single mum when first reading this. Why do you list your husband second?

You have a live in partner who is the other equal parent to your child.

If you don’t want to go, don’t. But don’t use your child as an excuse. You’re not leaving a 5 week old baby and your child’s other parent would be there to look after them. Your child isn’t the issue here.

Thanks for the input everyone, much appreciated.

Yes - to clarify, the £100 is towards the accommodation, a self catering venue. I just also find it weird that someone staying only 1 night would be paying the same as someone staying for 3 nights.

I hadn't committed properly either way, but have been given a payment "deadline" for end next week so need to respond. Judging by replies, it seems best option is for me to just be honest and hope for the best!

What did she say to insinuate she'd be upset if close friends didn't attend? That's very guilt trippy and weird.

It's normal for group events to share cost but if you can't afford it then tough!

Agree with this, your child is over a year old and
nobody would understand you not being willing to leave her a couple of nights with her Dad

it might not cut it with your friend but because I can’t is a valid enough reason and people need to put themselves first and have boundaries. I understand that the friend might wonder why OP can’t but that’s not OP’s responsibility. If her friend does ask, OP can just say she’s uncomfortable leaving baby or be honest.

”making up a good excuse” is negative and not helpful

Some mothers don’t feel comfortable leaving their child at 1,2,3 + years old. Good friends would understand this.

”making up a good excuse” is negative and not helpful

Not really as the friend won’t know that it’s a made up excuse if it is a good one, It’s really up to the OP anyway, not you or me

They might say they understand but I bet they probably don't ...

It doesn’t appeal to you.

that’s all there is to it.

Potentially, but it’s not their child so OP doesn’t need to validate her feelings for anyone else

If it was someone I cared about, I’d go, but maybe just do one night due to young child.
If I didn’t care about them, I’d decline.

You couldn't have timed your baby better.

Decline decline decline.

It is ridiculous to charge guests. Host pays.

I agree they’ve decided to split the money weirdly and might make more sense to do it by night (however also more complicated and this way it give people flexibility, also it’s fairly cheap per night to begin with).

In your shoes though unless this is going to cause you “heating or eating” type financial problems then I would 100 percent make the effort to go and just enjoy reconnecting with your friend and not being “mum” for a day or two OP. I do understand to an extent not wanting to be away from your young child but she will survive and so will you and it will be good for you both. I’m at the other end of parenthood looking back and one of my regrets is not making more effort to maintain friendships when my child was younger. There were other reasons for it too in my case, but at this age and stage of life as a now divorced single parent with my only child about to fly the best I am wishing I had somehow invested a bit more into my own social life and connections previously!

Would you enjoy if you went?
If the answer is yes, then go. If the answer is no, then don't.
It wouldn't be for me at all.

An 8 hour round journey to indulge a former friends party, at your own expense? Nope.
If she knows she's going to upset herself over guests not wanting to fund her holiday or travel 8 hours she can easily choose to do something actually appealing. Don't give it a moments thought.

I would politely decline. There's no win for you going...
Only know one half of joint event and not even that close.
Having to pay to go.
Far away.
Not comfortable leaving dd.

Sounds incredibly badly thought out. She's not onto a winner and probably knows it.
Just say thanks for the invite but I'm not able to attend. Hope it goes well..

Don't be bullied into feeling guilty.

I would have no issue with the room/venue charge.There isn’t a sensible way to share the cost other than total divided by number of invitees. If everyone want’s Saturday night, some also want Friday and/or Sunday it will soon become one of the ridiculous situations we read about on here.
Just say no, sorry!

To clarify re childcare - I would be making the journey there on a Friday afternoon/lunchtime and my husband works into the evening hence why my DM would need to be involved. DH would be very happy to look after DD alone, we both do our own things with friends whilst the other does solo childcare at weekends and evenings. My issue is more that given 24+ hours of solo childcare of a toddler isn't exactly a walk in the park, we usually tend to prioritise attending things that we really want to do 😊I don't doubt that DD would be absolutely fine with DH and DM.

I appreciate the sentiment re it being good to spend some time amongst adults, I think the specific circumstances just make this event unappealing. If it was a very close friend and fairly local I wouldn't think twice about a night away 😅

It seems it comes down to either making an excuse, or being honest and accepting that it may not land well

I wouldn't go. Just say that childcare is too difficult to organise.

It's reasonable to ask for a contribution because people are staying over however if you're not interested then politely decline. If the friend was supportive to me, I had the money and reliable childcare...... I would go and enjoy myself.

I'd give one of these two responses -
"Sorry I can't come"
or (if you want to be more honest)
"Sorry I can't come. To far from home and too expensive for me".
That's all that's needed.

I think the plan and invitation from your friend sounds fine, paying the same for 1 and 3 nights avoids hassle and changing plans and probably the place they have hired is 3 night minimum.

If I could afford it and would enjoy it, I would go. Your 15 month old will be absolutely fine.

If you don’t want to go I would just say sorry, you can’t make it and arrange a drink / gift / whatever works for you and your friend to mark her birthday.

I would not try to poke holes in the plan or justify not going because it’s a bad plan, even to yourself. Simply decide whether or not you want to go, then if you can go, then let your friend know either way.

Just because it costs the same for 1 night as 2 nights doesn’t mean it’s better value for money going for 2. You’re paying the money regardless it’s a sunk cost so if you feel it’s better for you to only be away from your toddler for 1 night then that’s better value for YOUR money.

if you can afford it then go. If money’s tight then don’t. But kindly you’re a mum, that doesn’t mean you as an individual come last in your family priorities. You’d child will be absolutely fine without you fir 48 hours… mothering is a marathon not a sprint and all that!

As soon as I saw contribution I thought cfs. Don't bother would be my answer