Am I being too clingy to my husband?

[Spiralfire]

We have 1 year old twins.
I have always been happy to spend time with my husband, but since the twins I feel I have become clingier.

He works FT and I am currently a SAHM. Whilst he’s at work I always try to make plans with friends and family to keep myself busy with the stress of twins, and I always say to him just give me 1 day off a week where it’s just us and we can maybe go for brunch and generally spend the day together.

I find I revolve my plans around him so we can spend time together, but he would say well we’ve had an hour brunch so I’ll go and do my own sports activities/ other family member errands etc for the rest of my days off.

We had intimacy issues due to the twins which are slowly getting better, but I feel e.g. he’s off today and we’re busy during the day and I have plans in the evening to go to the cinema after years with family, but I feel bad as we won’t be spending time together, but if he was in my shoes he wouldn’t feel bad at all.

Am I being too clingy? He sometimes makes it out like I am

You want him to take a day off during the week and go from brunch

but he works FULL TIME and is the sole financial provider OP

or is this at the weekends? Who would have the twins?

Hi @Spiralfireif he is working full time he probably has plans to fit in exercise and bits on his days off so doing brunch and then going off for a couple of hours to do something seems ok, so long as he’s generally around? Of course you should also be entitled to have time to do your own stuff but I think expecting a full day together is slightly suffocating if one is working Monday - Friday inclusive and wants to fit in other bits on weekends?

I think it’s important to have family time as well as both your own time. I don’t know in the grand scheme of things if you are clingy, depends if there is a balance in when he goes out vs time spent with you. It is important for both of you though to spend time on your individual interests. It’s hard with small babies to find this time and the right balance, as a SAHM you will also feel like you need adult conversation and time with your partner, but he will feel exhausted from being at work and talking to adults all day. You both just need to see the other side of the coin.

Hi
no maybe I worded it wrong

He Has 2 days off a week as do most people. What I ask him for is one of those days off he spends with me and the kids for the day.

he’s off today and we’re busy during the day

busy with chores? The twins?

Do you feel like you also get sufficient time to do your own thing with friends and family?

I don’t think you are from what you have written. I would imagine with 1 year old twins that it’s easy to forget about yourselves and your relationship. It sounds like it’s a priority for you but he also wants to have some down time.
You said that you are going out tonight. Does that mean on your own? No dc and no Dh? So you both get individual down time but not time together as such?

Being a sahm can be very lonely.

So he basically spends no time with you at the weekend and acts like SAHM means full time babysitter, rather than weekday childcare?

And are you a SAHM or are you on maternity leave? Are younplanning to go back to work? Have you had a conversation around expectations?

I don't know why he thinks the weekend is hos free time. He is 50% responsible for them.when he isn't at work.

I don’t have a ton of advice but I know having a 1 year old was very hard for us, Nevermind 2. I think maternity leave and sleep deprivation do not help.

We had a few conversations about things and things are completely different now and we are very happy, but I feel like this also comes down to our daughter sleeping and being older, it changes things. I think having my own things to do also helped ? I went back to work pt but if that’s not for you maybe find some other things to concentrate on that are just yours and have another conversation with him about how your feeling.

Tonight he is with the twins and you’re going to the cinema

what was his reaction to that?

Ok, I'm missing something here, when is he actually parenting his own children? It sounds like he wants to just play and not have any responsibilities. Lovely, but no. Your enabling this by begging him to eat a meal with you. When is he taking the twins for your time off? When do you have days out with new hobbies that accommodate the children?

Hey OP. I think I'd not be too impressed if DH didn't actively want or try to spend time with me.

I understand it's not always straightforward, we have a baby so there is a lot of time spent 1-to-1 with the baby, to give the other parent a bit of a break and some down time. Of course that means we see less of each other.

Personally, as it seems you have family nearby I'd ask that they look after DC 1 night a week / fortnight and go on a proper date to reconnect. I think it's so important to carry on seeing your spouse as someone you need to actively date, treat and enjoy. Your DH might just have slipped out of that mindset and needs a reminder.

What it sounds like is he is not fully committed to being a father and husband!

When I had a 2 year old snd baby I was insane with tiredness overwhelm and longing for adult company on family days.

At this stage let's be real he should be spending most of his non work time parenting

You have 1 year old twins why thr f is he wandering off on his own at weekends?!

So he gets two days off a week

one of the days he does his own thing
one of the days with you and the twins

do you also get a day to do your own thing or is it that you do BUT you want to spend it with him and he’s not fussed

Looking after one year old twins is incredibly hard work.
It does seem as though he thinks having a family shouldn't impact his life very much at all. Whereas in fact when he isn't working he should be doing his fair share of parenting.
And you should both get the chance for some " me" time.

Yes, I think you’re focusing on the wrong issue, OP. Weekends are both free time for you both, which pretty much means individual time atm unless you have lots of free childcare, and time to spend together. I don’t think begging him to have a meal with you is ‘clingy’, exactly, but it would make more sense to divide weekends and evenings up with the idea of ‘equal free time’ and then decide how that time is spent.

YANBU. Twins do a number on a marriage – divorce rates are statistically higher. He needs to invest care and attention into your relationship.

I am planning on going back to work part time in 6 months, and twins join nursery part time then too.

Tbh in the evenings when he’s home he is hands on with the babies bedtime routines etc and on days off he does try to plan his own errands/ activities around the babies nap times so it doesn’t get in my way too much, but I would rather we spend time together whilst babies are napping.

He actively encourages me to do things for myself and he can watch the twins when he’s home/ I get family to watch them. But I would rather us do things together. I just feel I prioritise our relationship more than he does.

Ok so it’s not that he’s shirking
you both get time
you want your time with him
he wants his time with friends

When you go back, make sure you're clear on who is doing what so you don't end up doing all pickups and childcare and chores and cover when the kids are ill and end up shattered and overwhelmed. It's really important to have conversations upfront about expectations.

Regarding time, have a chat. I know in the early days I was desperate for time alone because I was overwhelmed and postnatally depressed so he could be avoiding homelife deliberately because of a genuine reason or because he's being selfish. He may also just not realise. Or he might be modelling his own childhood and thinking mum does everything and loves it. You won't know unless you really talk together.

What I will say is that the first few years are really hard and you often find you have different coping mechanisms. Neither are wrong, but you both need equal support to get the balance.

My mother in law was very good st telling DH that often noone looks after mum, which is so true. I think if he got up on a Saturday,. Took the twins to the shop and came home and cooked breakfast for you to all eat together and then did the dishes, it would make the world of difference in just making you feel cared for.

I know its irrational but when he goes out, try to go out somewhere too so its not just another day at home while he's working. It will get easier, but it really helps to take some control. X

Sorry, he thinks you are clingy because you want to spend one day of the weekend together?? That's really not clingy at all.

I don't think it's clingy to want to spend time together as a family. It's about balance. It's not unreasonable for him to want to go to the gym or see family and friends either but you're not unreasonable to expect him to want to spend time with you too. If you have family willing to babysit, could you have an evening out just the two of you? It's hard to find time to just be a couple when you've got little ones but if you can make time to reconnect as a couple, it can make a world of difference.

I don't think that is an unreasonable request.

When would you like him to do the things he needs/wants to do? It kind of sounds like you don’t want him doing them at all but should spend every spare minute he has with you? Then yes that’s clingy. It’s very suffocating in a relationship to have a partner depend on you every spare minute. It’s healthy to have some individual time to do what you want to do. Obviously that available time is greatly diminished when kids come into the equation.
in your shoes I’d look to maybe set up a proper monthly date night and see if there are some weekly “family” things you’d like to do but also make sure you both get a few hours a week for your own needs.

I think you are being clingy to be honest. He’s working full time and taking a day off every week where he must spend the full day with you and have zero ‘him’ time.

Having kids does completely change the dynamics of your relationship and it does become solely about the kids. You will be lucky to get a day just you guys once in a blue moon.

so instead of weekly try monthly