Am I being too clingy to my husband?

[Spiralfire]

We have 1 year old twins.
I have always been happy to spend time with my husband, but since the twins I feel I have become clingier.

He works FT and I am currently a SAHM. Whilst he’s at work I always try to make plans with friends and family to keep myself busy with the stress of twins, and I always say to him just give me 1 day off a week where it’s just us and we can maybe go for brunch and generally spend the day together.

I find I revolve my plans around him so we can spend time together, but he would say well we’ve had an hour brunch so I’ll go and do my own sports activities/ other family member errands etc for the rest of my days off.

We had intimacy issues due to the twins which are slowly getting better, but I feel e.g. he’s off today and we’re busy during the day and I have plans in the evening to go to the cinema after years with family, but I feel bad as we won’t be spending time together, but if he was in my shoes he wouldn’t feel bad at all.

Am I being too clingy? He sometimes makes it out like I am

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable.

I think the evenings are hard for you as you have had a day at home with the twins and therefore want adult interaction. However DH has had a day at work, come home and been involved with the kids and then just wants some down time which I don't blame him for.
What do you do during the day? Do you see family or friends? Go to any clubs?
Could you also at this point go out for an hour or so in the evening to get that adult time?
I know you want it to be with your husband but I don't think he is wrong for needing some quiet time after work and the kids are in bed.

I agree that the weekends should be spent as a family, but maybe with some time for you both to do something else like sports.
What exactly is he doing if he is doing errands for others?

Does he ever have the kids on his own? He should do. If he has them sat am for example giving you some you time then he gets sat afternoon and o himself and then Sunday you do a family day most weekends but you can both make other plans with prior agreement if the split is fair. TBH it sounds like hardwork. Really you should just both let the other make plans but be respectful of doing your fair share and spending time together but if it's not coming naturally then he may need to agree to a schedule.

Yeah.

i mean people defo have different conceptions of family time and such so hopefully he worded something before you tried to have kids.

in my opinion, the two days off are family time but you can do your own stuff too provided that it is a few hours total not…a few hours family and then all « me » time. As the kids grow…he might feel more inclined to stay longer as they will play but it is torture to you that you do the whole days/night with only a few hours of 1 day with the dad of your children. It is nice you have loads of others that help but he defo takes the mick!

I think it’s all about give and take. My OH has a few busy weekends with friends this months so the weekends have been taken up with that, but we’ll take LO to the park first thing or to the shops and grab a coffee in the morning before he goes out.
Then in June, I have a busy few weekends with friends so he will need to take over the reigns of parenting etc.

Maybe a few evenings a week you can plan a nice tea and movie to watch (obviously depends on how cooperative you babies are) but you’re obviously needing that one to one time, which isn’t a bad thing.

You might find that once you’re back in work, you’ll be glad of a bit of “separate time” to decompress yourself.

Obligation is the enemy of enjoyment OP.

I think if you stepped back a bit you’ll probably find that he’ll want to spend more 1-1 time with you.

How intense is his job? Both my DH and I have really full on jobs, long hours and both need time to decompress at the weekend, otherwise it’s a never ending treadmill

Luckily we both are happy that each other need time on their own to do this and makes our time together even better because we are in the right headspace to do that

OP it sounds like he does his share of house duties so at least he is not hiding from that. But maybe you need to ask him what he needs as well as you saying what you need and come to a compromise. If my DH was constantly wanting my company after a long work week we wouldn’t last long

Your babies are still so little and your hormones will still be all over the place so please give yourself a bit of a break and acknowledge that you're not quite back to your old self yet. From my experience it takes years to feel confident and comfortable again. You probably are clinging on to him as he's the only bit that was the same before the babies and you are trying to get back that safe 'you' feeling. As you say, talk to him and tell him how you feel. Being a new mum makes you feel vulnerable for quite a while so you need him to reassure you that you're still there in your new normal. Good luck x

I think it is normal to lose some independence when you're at home and the children are small.

I remember when DD was a baby, we lived away from my family, I would be waiting on him to come home, the world itself seems scarier when you have little ones.

The good news is that it will pass, things will improve. It strengthened my relationship as he was supportive during the lows and the high times.

I didn't realise parents of 1 y.o twins had time off. Replying to a previous post.

What the fuck is this thread on about? He should “sacrifice” his gym and fucking solo leisure time to be with his family. Any man who doesn’t is a twat. He has babies and a wife. His life cannot go on as before.
I had twins. I worked FT as did my DP. I longed for him to be around and for us to be together at weekends. What’s the point otherwise? Separate individuals who happen to share a house and children?

I don't think you're being clingy at all. You might just both have different ideas of how you want to spend time together, and I don't think either of you are in the wrong.
Your wish to spend time with him is probably more pronounced being a SAHM with twins, that must be intense!
If I was in the same position I would feel the same I think. We spend most of our weekends as a family, maybe a couple of hours here and there apart and if my husband suddenly wanted to go off and spend all weekend doing other stuff without me I definitely wouldnt feel happy about it, although he'd be perfectly reasonable to want to do that!

Is it the going out for brunch he doesn't like? Could you make the time you're just generally at home together into quality time? Presumably every night you have dinner... could you make that a proper sit down, glass of wine, quality chat at the table sort of thing? I wonder if he feels that with work and twins, he likes to escape alone on his free time. It might be a good one to properly discuss, as it's just different expectations in a marriage - you want your free time to be together, he has sort of lumped you into the babies and uses his free time to be away from you all and relax. I can see both points of view (as long as he's pulling his weight at home and is a good dad).