Am I being too clingy to my husband?

[Spiralfire]

We have 1 year old twins.
I have always been happy to spend time with my husband, but since the twins I feel I have become clingier.

He works FT and I am currently a SAHM. Whilst he’s at work I always try to make plans with friends and family to keep myself busy with the stress of twins, and I always say to him just give me 1 day off a week where it’s just us and we can maybe go for brunch and generally spend the day together.

I find I revolve my plans around him so we can spend time together, but he would say well we’ve had an hour brunch so I’ll go and do my own sports activities/ other family member errands etc for the rest of my days off.

We had intimacy issues due to the twins which are slowly getting better, but I feel e.g. he’s off today and we’re busy during the day and I have plans in the evening to go to the cinema after years with family, but I feel bad as we won’t be spending time together, but if he was in my shoes he wouldn’t feel bad at all.

Am I being too clingy? He sometimes makes it out like I am

Get married, have kids, then ignore the wife - classic

You have grasped the wrong end of the stick, try reading the OP's posts (all of them) again.

Basically, he works five days a week and two days off (not necessarily weekends) and she wants to spend one of those days as a family, together with the kids.

He seems to be pulling his weight and I think this could all be resolved with a heart to heart, I think he's trying to do the right thing, but not meeting the emotional needs of the OP.

I don't think it's unreasonable that you spend one of the days together as a family, but I do think when the kids are small - x50 if you have two small children simultaneously - it's quite hard to fit it all in - family time, children time, couple time, friend time, exercise time, hobby time, downtime.

It sounds like he's pretty good during the week. I assume once the DC are in bed you potentially have some time together even if it's just eating or watching something on TV?

In all honesty, when our DC were small, we seldom had whole days together as a family. Even if we were all at home, one of us would probalby be doing a few chores while the other one ws entertaining a child. I mean, we had things we did where we chose to all go out together, or we socialised with other families/friends etc, but over the weekend we certainly didn't set aside a full day for "family time". it just wasn't practical.

You want more time just you and DH when you have tiny twins? That seems quite an ask to me

Maybe a date night once a month?

I think that's a good idea

Any more than that seems a lot with 2 tinies

Ok, so it sounds like he does pull his weight, you just want him to prioritise time with you, yes?

Could you mutually plans weekends a bit better, so you both get free time, and family time together? Take him up on the offer for more time to do things yourself - building up your sense of self away from just being mum will help massively

I dont think YABU to ask him to spend some time as a family during his days off from work. What does he do instead?

I am a clinger too OP, so I get your struggle. I do think he has the right to do his own thing, but to me it does sound like you could do with more time together. My suggestion would be to get a hobby you both do and enjoy, maybe let him pick. Me and my DP do darts and pool together, it’s really fun - I’m better than him at both but that’s because my parents neglected me in the pub. Darts and pool are good ones imo because it’s out the house, it’s also a good way to meet new people, but whatever takes your fancy really, the main thing is that you both like it and can do it together. I’d suggest something you’re both new to because learning together makes it more fun, or something one of you can teach the other.

In the early year with twins I would expect that you spend most of the weekend together as a family. Maybe he might pop to the gym Saturday or Sunday at a convenient time for the twins routine for say 2 hours. And maybe 1 day a month you both get a day to spend as you choose. But otherwise I would accept him to be enjoying family life.

I think the bigger problem is that on his 2 days off work, you’re still the default parent. You say he tries to plan errands around the twins’ nap to help you out (“so it doesn’t get in my way too much”) - but why are you the main/default carer when he’s off work? I see this time and time again with the SAHM dynamic and it only gets worse if you don’t set your stall out early.
I think your ‘clinginess’ is actually wanting some company and solidarity with the daily grind. Little kids are hard work, all the time. You understandably don’t want to shoulder that alone 7 days per week. Being hands on for bedtime and spending some of his weekend with you is all lovely…but on those 2 days he’s home, the parenting is still largely falling to you. Even if he physically ‘helps out’, you’re still doing the brain work and bearing most of the mental load/responsibility.
I've been a SAHM/WAHM for 7 years now. My husband has a demanding full time job. Mon-Fri I am the default parent. I plan everything, carry out all the childcare during the daytime and if I want/need to do anything in the eves I ensure he’s going to be around/arrange alternative childcare. I carry the mental load. But Sat/Sun we are a team. We consult each other, plan together, share the full load. If he’s got an errand to run, he takes a kid with him or we plan it together so we each get time. We see our own friends but we do try to spend as much time together as a family as we can whilst the kids are awake, because tag-teaming can be hard work and lonely.
I think you need to recalibrate his non-working days so that he’s carrying the responsibility too. Try spending a couple of weekends in a row where he’s the default parent and you nip in and out and ‘help’ here and there. See how quickly he changes his view then and wants to spend more time with you (because the alternative is more time alone with the kids, which is what you’re currently doing).

You meet up with friends and family in the week whilst you’re at work so it’s understandable you want to keep the time he’s off work as family time, but he’s at work all week and doesn’t have an opportunity to meet friends and family outside of his 2 days off. If he only wanted to see you on his days off when would he get to see friends and family? When you’re back at work and won’t be able to see friends and family mid-week will you just never see them because you’ll want to spend all your days off with your DH?

OP you need to watch this as it will spiral. We've been married 15 years now and I'm not sure he can even see me any more.

I’m on the opposite side. My DH took early retirement and I still work full time. He sees friends and family when I’m at work and does all the things he wants but then expects us to spend all my time off work together. It drives me nuts to be honest as I then want to see my friends and family/exercise etc.

I agree with this and had a relationship like this in the past.

Thankfully me and DH are both very similar in that we are homebodies and at our happiest and content just relaxing and spending time together. Don't get me wrong, we both have our own social circles and hobbies but we are each others best friend and - whilst it might be clingy to some - prefer spending our time together when we can.

I have friends though who have completely separate social lives to their husbands and that works for them.

I think crucially you both need to be on the same page for it to work. If you want to spend your free time together and he wants to spend it with friends then you need a discussion as to how you can make it work for both of you.

It sounds like you rely on him for your daily dose of adult interaction. I get it's hard to get out with twins, you're not working, and you probably feel a bit isolated. First, you are making an effort to see other family and friends so that's great.

For whatever reason, he's not feeling the spending one entire day a week with you. I see his point too. He works 5 days a week and he is getting that social interaction that you're missing. But he only has 2 days a week off and you want a full one. So he has to squeeze everything he would like to do on his own into one day. He might be like me and just get restless spending the whole day cooped up with you and twins.

For me, I would feel you were being too clingy and feel a bit trapped if I was expected to stay glued to your side for an entire day.

Are you spending time together in the evenings?

I think there could be compromise. I do see you as making an effort to socialize and he could meet that effort by doing something with you on a weekend like a date or outdoor activity.

Op is not asking for all his time off work

Sounds like neither of you are unreasonable but you need to plan better. Can you try planning weekends on Tuesday or Wednesday so neither has it planned in their head and it isn’t Monday resentments?

Maybe you alternate a full weekend day off. Maybe you each get 3h or so on the weekend (this is what we did until recently and I usually just showered and napped on mine or slept in). You both must be so burnt out that communicating your needs isn’t working and he’s getting his adult social time at the weekend- gave up weeknights but doesn’t think of your life so you need to spell it out when he’s on listening mode (and he needs to turn on listening mode ASAP)

Hi

thanks to all for the replies,
I am going to have a great to heart with him and tell him how it feels for me, and go from there.

The evenings has also been an arguing point, as again after a long day of work and then helping put the babies to bed by the time it’s all done it’s around 8-8:30pm, and ideally he would like to play his video games to relax and I would ideally us chill together and watch tv/ videos. So even that has been part of the issue as I can’t sit with him whilst he plays because he doesn’t listen to a word I say lol. And if I ask him to chill with me a few evenings I can tell it would feel forced and I’d hate that

I understand your need for quality family time together however try not to think that it has to be a whole day.

He only has two days off a week so if you’re demanding one whole day that only leaves him with one to see friends, family, do solo activities etc.

Try and spread the quality time out through the week.

One day have a date night when the kids are asleep. If you don’t want to get a babysitter to go out just light a few candles and cook something special. Make sure you use the time to real ask each other how you are and bond.

On a Saturday morning go out for a family park trip and a coffee date.

Sunday afternoon do another activity and do bath time/bed time together with the kids.

You can spend time together and bond as a family constantly without having to block out a whole day.

I can see why it comes off as clingy and demanding but spreading it all out makes life easier all round.

"The evenings has also been an arguing point, as again after a long day of work and then helping put the babies to bed by the time it’s all done it’s around 8-8:30pm, and ideally he would like to play his video games to relax and I would ideally us chill together and watch tv/ videos. "

I think here you're veering into controlling. He's worked all day, he's done his evening share of the routine, he should be able to have some down time doing what he wants. Spending time watching TV or a video would become yet another chore and you really don't want him to think of spending time with you or his life as a chore. You can watch your TV or video and he can game. (Can you tell I'm not a TV watcher?)

I think that this is one where you’re both right and wrong.

You’re not unreasonable to want him to carve some family time and make some time for you. You don’t say that your ideal is a rigid whole day of family time but if it is, then you’re unreasonable. I think it’s perfectly reasonable if he went to the gym for a couple of hours on both days off. It sounds like you expect more couple time than is typical for a couple with twins. Yanbu to be annoyed at his attitude after the brunch where what he said sounds like brunch with you was something to tick off his chore list.

He isn’t unreasonable to want to do some solo stuff like going to the gym and he’s very reasonable to push you to do some solo things too. While you’re right to want to spend time as a couple and family, not devoting some time to yourself solo is also a potential problem.

It sounds like you both need to compromise so you both get some of your needs met.

Hi
No I would never force him or guilt him into doing what I want, same as how he wouldn’t do that to me. Basically it’s just our version of spending time with each other is really different- his is as long as I’m somewhere in the house it’s fine we’re together, and mine is more 1-1 time as it’s dwindled since the twins.

So when do they all spend time together?

The evenings has also been an arguing point, as again after a long day of work and then helping put the babies to bed by the time it’s all done it’s around 8-8:30pm, and ideally he would like to play his video games to relax and I would ideally us chill together and watch tv/ videos. So even that has been part of the issue as I can’t sit with him whilst he plays because he doesn’t listen to a word I say lol. And if I ask him to chill with me a few evenings I can tell it would feel forced and I’d hate that.

Multitasking isn’t relaxing. Trying to hold a conversation while gaming is not relaxing and many struggle with it.

I get very annoyed with someone talking at me when I’m trying to do a solitary task and I’m a SAHP.

Why not divide up evenings, designating a few hours in the evening for both of you to do solitary activities or designate evenings by day?

That's not unreasonable to have a family day, we do at least one day, but we will end up doing other things too. With babies it's hard to actually do something, like an activity for example. He should also take the twins for a couple of hours so you can do some stuff too.

Why can’t you have both.

One evening set aside for him to game, one evening set aside for quality time together and so on. It doesn’t have to just be one way or another. There’s room for everything.