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AIBU?

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20 year old son won't get a job or be an adult and wants euthanasia HELP!

68 replies

KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 07:55

Hello everyone, it's my first time posting here I'm looking for some advice or even to know what to think of the situation my 20 year old son who came out of school at 14 due to severe depression and was physically unable to go in as I could not get him out of bed the school eventually signed him off as too unwell to attend and stopped pursuing us he has been essentially in his bedroom laying in bed all day ever since this so for more than 6 years as far as I know he is on his phone all day I'm not aware of exactly what he does with his time as he's very private and I know he's depressed but I suspect he has clinical depression which he hasn't been diagnosed with and won't go the GP or to camhs when he was eligible social services came to visit a few times but as he was not in any danger and refused to come out of his room to talk with the social worker they left us alone he does not do anything for himself he won't come out of his room he won't help around the house he won't make himself food I still cook dinner for him every night which is exhausting he doesn't wash so his hygiene is poor his room smells really bad I know he doesn't clean it he doesn't have any friends he doesn't go out he doesn't have a desire to buy anything or to succeed in life I am heartbroken and exhausted I imagined by this age he would be either in college or with a job and working towards moving out and being an independent adult that's what I always hoped for but none of that is happening I work long hours for not a lot of money just enough to barely get by everything I earn goes on the mortgage bills food and other essentials of which there's very little so I could really do with the financial support if he got a job but he won't I asked him about all of this a few days ago and he admitted to me that he is depressed because he doesn't want to be an adult or to have to get a job and wants to go back and physically be a child again he says these are his only wishes for life which are impossible as he recognised and that he wants to get euthanasia which he knows isn't an option in this country so he says he wants to go to Switzerland for euthanasia which is apparently legal he said I don't know much about it but I looked it up and it seems to be but as it costs a lot he can't get it which is why he is so depressed I asked him if he would be interested in going to the GP and ask for counselling or medication and to try and accept that he's an adult and will need to get a job but he absolutely won't budge on it ive tried everything offering rewards support trying to reason with him that we don't have much money and then I said i don't know if I could financially support him if he wouldn't help himself and get a job but he said if he gets kicked out he'd just die on the streets I genuinely don't know what to do should I leave things as they are and hope he changes should I contact the GP to notify them of his poor mental health is it possible that with this attitude social services could take him in as he won't help himself despite being an adult is it possible for him to go to Switzerland for euthanasia I don't know much about it but if he's suffering this much and has been for his entire teenage years would that be the best thing for him should he be allowed to option of euthanasia if he truly doesn't want a job or to be an adult would they give it to him for those reasons if he's suffering this much as a result do I need to be more firm with him and tell him that he needs to get a job and contribute to the household income or do I have no choice to kick him out if he won't change would that force him to get a job or would as he said just die on the streets I don't want that to happen I want him to be happy and successful but that isn't what he wants could I speak to the doctor about him wanting euthanasia despite it not being legal in this country would I be wrong for denying his euthanasia request even if he did get a job he came out of education at 14 with no GCSEs so it would probably be a job he wouldn't like I am less than a year away from 50 and exhausted I really don't know what to do here any help is appreciated

OP posts:
Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 07:57

So this started at 14
and it would seem he has received absolutely no mental health treatment whatsoever?

as for the euthanasia suggestion just tell him that he’ll have to save up thousands to go abroad, which given he doesn’t work - is unlikely

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 07:57

Is it just you and him?

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 07:58

Who diagnosed him if he hasn’t actually seen any medical professionals?

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2025 08:00

Your GP needs to get him a mental health referral. He may need to be sectioned in order to get him the help he needs given how he has stubbornly refused it for so long.
What a terrible situation. Good luck, OP.

KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 08:00

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 07:57

Is it just you and him?

Yes it's just us in the house

OP posts:
KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 08:01

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 07:58

Who diagnosed him if he hasn’t actually seen any medical professionals?

He hasn't been diagnosed with depression yet

OP posts:
KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 08:01

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2025 08:00

Your GP needs to get him a mental health referral. He may need to be sectioned in order to get him the help he needs given how he has stubbornly refused it for so long.
What a terrible situation. Good luck, OP.

Edited

Thank you I'll speak to the GP

OP posts:
KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 08:02

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 07:57

So this started at 14
and it would seem he has received absolutely no mental health treatment whatsoever?

as for the euthanasia suggestion just tell him that he’ll have to save up thousands to go abroad, which given he doesn’t work - is unlikely

He has been offered it so many times he just refuses

OP posts:
Geneticsbunny · 01/05/2025 08:02

Surely this poster isn't real! Who leaves their child in bed for 6 years without seeking any help?

MommaSmith · 01/05/2025 08:02

No one wants to be an adult with adult responsibility. Check what your kid is doing in his room. Look after your kid and get him help. Get rid of his phone and social media.
You should have taken him to army cadets or something when he was younger since they focus on the mental health side of things too

No one, especially a mother , would let their kid suffer this long and lie in bed all day. So either your lying or don’t care about your child

Dontjudgeme101 · 01/05/2025 08:03

He urgently needs to be seen by a doctor and then take it from there.

KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 08:05

Dontjudgeme101 · 01/05/2025 08:03

He urgently needs to be seen by a doctor and then take it from there.

Thanks I'll get him a GP appointment

OP posts:
Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:05

KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 08:05

Thanks I'll get him a GP appointment

Are you being serious?

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:06

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2025 08:00

Your GP needs to get him a mental health referral. He may need to be sectioned in order to get him the help he needs given how he has stubbornly refused it for so long.
What a terrible situation. Good luck, OP.

Edited

Apparently he hasn’t been to the gp because even since 14 when this first deteriorated… he’s refused to go

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:07

KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 08:01

He hasn't been diagnosed with depression yet

I see

Nousernamesleftatall · 01/05/2025 08:09

Turn off the WiFi for a start.

waterrat · 01/05/2025 08:09

This sounds horrific for you op.

Firstly he may need to br sectioned if he is seriously unwell and refusing treatment.

Secondly. Anyone who spent all day in bed scrolling a phone would be depressed. This is the other side of cause and effect.

I know this must be incredibly hard but he needs the steps that we all know improve MH. Exercise fresh air and support.

MistressoftheDarkSide · 01/05/2025 08:09

Woah woah woah.

If this post is real then it needs moving to Mental Health.

If, as I suspect it's been generated for other, propaganda and psychological testing reasons, it needs taking down.

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:10

Nousernamesleftatall · 01/05/2025 08:09

Turn off the WiFi for a start.

He will have unlimited data
That the op is paying for

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:10

Do you work op? What is your health like?

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2025 08:12

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:06

Apparently he hasn’t been to the gp because even since 14 when this first deteriorated… he’s refused to go

On that basis alone, the GP can refer him to a mental health team. They should then take it from there.

KarenCourfield1976 · 01/05/2025 08:13

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:10

Do you work op? What is your health like?

Yes I work my health isn't great I've had a few issues over the years and I'm on blood pressure medication

OP posts:
Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:13

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2025 08:12

On that basis alone, the GP can refer him to a mental health team. They should then take it from there.

Edited

Of course!

my point is…. 6 years and it would appear absolutely nothing has been done. He was 14 when this started.

Stripeyanddotty · 01/05/2025 08:15

Can a school just sign off a child?

Swiftie1878 · 01/05/2025 08:15

Itchyblister · 01/05/2025 08:13

Of course!

my point is…. 6 years and it would appear absolutely nothing has been done. He was 14 when this started.

I know. I think you can tell from the initial post that there’s stuff going on for the OP too.
If this is a genuine reach out, it’s not helpful to focus on what should have happened already, but rather what should happen now.