20 year old son won't get a job or be an adult and wants euthanasia HELP!

[KarenCourfield1976]

Hello everyone, it's my first time posting here I'm looking for some advice or even to know what to think of the situation my 20 year old son who came out of school at 14 due to severe depression and was physically unable to go in as I could not get him out of bed the school eventually signed him off as too unwell to attend and stopped pursuing us he has been essentially in his bedroom laying in bed all day ever since this so for more than 6 years as far as I know he is on his phone all day I'm not aware of exactly what he does with his time as he's very private and I know he's depressed but I suspect he has clinical depression which he hasn't been diagnosed with and won't go the GP or to camhs when he was eligible social services came to visit a few times but as he was not in any danger and refused to come out of his room to talk with the social worker they left us alone he does not do anything for himself he won't come out of his room he won't help around the house he won't make himself food I still cook dinner for him every night which is exhausting he doesn't wash so his hygiene is poor his room smells really bad I know he doesn't clean it he doesn't have any friends he doesn't go out he doesn't have a desire to buy anything or to succeed in life I am heartbroken and exhausted I imagined by this age he would be either in college or with a job and working towards moving out and being an independent adult that's what I always hoped for but none of that is happening I work long hours for not a lot of money just enough to barely get by everything I earn goes on the mortgage bills food and other essentials of which there's very little so I could really do with the financial support if he got a job but he won't I asked him about all of this a few days ago and he admitted to me that he is depressed because he doesn't want to be an adult or to have to get a job and wants to go back and physically be a child again he says these are his only wishes for life which are impossible as he recognised and that he wants to get euthanasia which he knows isn't an option in this country so he says he wants to go to Switzerland for euthanasia which is apparently legal he said I don't know much about it but I looked it up and it seems to be but as it costs a lot he can't get it which is why he is so depressed I asked him if he would be interested in going to the GP and ask for counselling or medication and to try and accept that he's an adult and will need to get a job but he absolutely won't budge on it ive tried everything offering rewards support trying to reason with him that we don't have much money and then I said i don't know if I could financially support him if he wouldn't help himself and get a job but he said if he gets kicked out he'd just die on the streets I genuinely don't know what to do should I leave things as they are and hope he changes should I contact the GP to notify them of his poor mental health is it possible that with this attitude social services could take him in as he won't help himself despite being an adult is it possible for him to go to Switzerland for euthanasia I don't know much about it but if he's suffering this much and has been for his entire teenage years would that be the best thing for him should he be allowed to option of euthanasia if he truly doesn't want a job or to be an adult would they give it to him for those reasons if he's suffering this much as a result do I need to be more firm with him and tell him that he needs to get a job and contribute to the household income or do I have no choice to kick him out if he won't change would that force him to get a job or would as he said just die on the streets I don't want that to happen I want him to be happy and successful but that isn't what he wants could I speak to the doctor about him wanting euthanasia despite it not being legal in this country would I be wrong for denying his euthanasia request even if he did get a job he came out of education at 14 with no GCSEs so it would probably be a job he wouldn't like I am less than a year away from 50 and exhausted I really don't know what to do here any help is appreciated

Boredom might motivate him out of the bloody bedroom!

Boredom might motivate him out of the bloody bedroom!

And we're back to the "just pull your socks up and get on with it!" school of dealing with mental health issues.

Fuck me. If it was a woman in her 40s posting that she felt so low that she never left her bedroom and saw no reason to live everyone would be falling over themselves to appear compassionate and understanding. But because it's a 20 year old lad he just needs to pull himself together?

Your wrong, I read a post just like that a few years ago, and people were telling her that her husband was going to leave her because her depression meant he had to take on a single additional task of doing the school run.

I do think there's a balance between support, care and discipline though, structure can really help, even when the depressed person doesn't want it.

As it's so many years on now this is going to take a massive effort on both of you if there's any hope to fix. It's going to be so much harder now.

Absolutely see the GP and see what's offered, but given the situation as you've described I do suspect that this will be too little too late. I doubt youre going to be offered anything meaningful especially if he doesn't want to engage. Whilst i personally would want to drag him off to a camp which forces change this just doesn't really happen.

A simple start/thing I would try to break the cycle is drop all internet access - just explain you can't afford it anymore - cancel any phone contracts etc just goto basic phone yourself otherwise he'll just access through that. He's imprisoned himself to avoid the reality of growing up and probably a big part of this is going to be existing in an online world somewhere. Maybe loosing access to this will drive him out of the room which is a first step.

He needs a massive paradigm shift. Clearly giving him time/what's going on now hasnt helped. The euthanasia thing is a very American anti socialised medicine viewpoint - they frequently incorrectly state that you can just pop into a clinic and they'll end your life/it's a recommended treatment.

If he doesn't change you need to decide are you going to continue to support this all your life/who's going to look after him when you can't? At what point is enough enough and you talk about him being moved out?

At 14 it would have been so much easier to contact all the support services and get him get mental health treatment he desperately needed - as his parent. To me it’s unfair to just say “he wouldn’t go” He was a child! It’s a bit harder now when he is 20 and been like this for 6 years and not a child any more.

I was thinking ME/CFS too...

Firstly - is your username your name and year of birth? In which case change it as it’s obviously identifiable and you may want discuss this anonymously

Secondly - speak to the GP in advance of the appointment and request a home visit. Ask for support from the community mental health team. If he’s not a risk to himself or others then he’s unlikely to be sectioned. There are so few in-patient mental health beds that a passively depressed person in a stable and supportive living arrangement is unlikely to qualify. He may be able to access outpatient support via a psychiatric unit though and a crisis referral from the GP or presenting at A&E in crisis may enable access to that. BUT if he’s not a risk to himself or others then A&E will likely just refer to the GP. Check if any A&Es near you have mental health crisis teams. Often if there’s a psychiatric unit on the same hospital site then there’s a A&E mental health crisis team.

Thirdly - contact Social Services, explain the situation and ask for their help. He may also be entitled to PIP as his mental health is currently disabling. This may help him to contribute to the household and relieve a bit of pressure.

Fourthly - be aware that many anti-depressants make you feel worse before you feel better. It’s 4-6 weeks for a positive effect IF you land on the right one first time

His talk of euthanasia is either a cry for help or a manipulation (or a bit of both). It’s not a credible plan to end his life which is, unfortunately, something that might help him access crisis support

Your son sounds very much like my DD who is the same age. She is autistic, and I know people on MN like to diagnose but honestly your son’s struggles scream neuro diverse to me. 14 is the age where so many kids with ASD can no longer cope in school, that was also the case for my DD although I managed to get an EHCP for her and she went to a school for kids with autism after a year and a half gap, and then managed a year at college.

She often says she wishes she was still a child, wishes that I had aborted her, she just finds life intolerably hard and her anxiety is terrible. She is very dependent on me for everything. I’ve realised that putting any kind of pressure on her makes things worse, so it’s gentle encouragement all the way and baby steps, as well as lots of reassurance. She is very slowly getting a bit more independent, though she has a long way to go before she’s ready for adulting. She will get there eventually, it’s just going to take time and a lot of hand holding.

You’re in a tricky situation because now he’s an adult you can’t force him to the doctors, but if I were you I would speak to the doctor yourself and see what they suggest, and also social services. But my key advice would be to stop putting any kind of pressure on him to ‘grow up’ at the moment, because that will be sending his anxiety into overdrive and making him believe he’s better off dead. He’s not, he just needs help and you’re going to have to advocate for him there.

It's not an ideal strategy, but I would point out that he would be highly unlikely to get euthanasia abroad unless he has tried everything to get better.

He has probably read about a couple of cases of young people choosing euthanasia for severe depression, but your DS hasn't even got an official diagnosis.

It might trigger him to start treatment at least, which hopefully will turn him around and set him on a path to wellness.

No it won't he isn't bored he is ill ffs.

If he's serious about euthanasia he needs to look into the requirements because it actually will take him a lot of work to qualify, even if he had the money to travel to Switzerland. They don't just take someone because they want to die, they require proof of diagnosis and evidence of which treatments have been tried unsuccessfully. Suicide clinics won't normally touch someone who hasn't exhausted other avenues of treatment.

CAMHS is in crisis everywhere. Getting help is nigh on impossible even if your child is suicidal.

And how exactly do you get a 14 year old to do anything if they refuse? He wasn't a toddler you could pick up and carry out the house.

He should look in to it (he won’t bother) because he will realise within a nanosecond second on many levels it is a wholly unrealistic idea

next time he mentions op, just nod and change subject

He was bored way back when he was 14
But he was basically allowed to fester in his room and on his phone

unfortunately this is 6 years of someone vegetating in his room unchecked

You take away his screens for a start

Or at least limit 9am-9pm
Stop paying for unlimited data
and turn WiFi off at 9

but all of this should have been implemented years ago

You still can't physically force a resisting 14 year old to an appointment.

Dignitas can, and has, been used for those with mental health illnesses, as well as for those with terminal illnesses. However the amount of medical input/documentation/support/confirmation needed in order for them to accept a patient on MH grounds is quite significant. Given the OP’s son hasn’t even seen a GP, along with presumably not having the funds (in the region of £10k last time I looked), it’s an unlikely option.