20 year old son won't get a job or be an adult and wants euthanasia HELP!

[KarenCourfield1976]

Hello everyone, it's my first time posting here I'm looking for some advice or even to know what to think of the situation my 20 year old son who came out of school at 14 due to severe depression and was physically unable to go in as I could not get him out of bed the school eventually signed him off as too unwell to attend and stopped pursuing us he has been essentially in his bedroom laying in bed all day ever since this so for more than 6 years as far as I know he is on his phone all day I'm not aware of exactly what he does with his time as he's very private and I know he's depressed but I suspect he has clinical depression which he hasn't been diagnosed with and won't go the GP or to camhs when he was eligible social services came to visit a few times but as he was not in any danger and refused to come out of his room to talk with the social worker they left us alone he does not do anything for himself he won't come out of his room he won't help around the house he won't make himself food I still cook dinner for him every night which is exhausting he doesn't wash so his hygiene is poor his room smells really bad I know he doesn't clean it he doesn't have any friends he doesn't go out he doesn't have a desire to buy anything or to succeed in life I am heartbroken and exhausted I imagined by this age he would be either in college or with a job and working towards moving out and being an independent adult that's what I always hoped for but none of that is happening I work long hours for not a lot of money just enough to barely get by everything I earn goes on the mortgage bills food and other essentials of which there's very little so I could really do with the financial support if he got a job but he won't I asked him about all of this a few days ago and he admitted to me that he is depressed because he doesn't want to be an adult or to have to get a job and wants to go back and physically be a child again he says these are his only wishes for life which are impossible as he recognised and that he wants to get euthanasia which he knows isn't an option in this country so he says he wants to go to Switzerland for euthanasia which is apparently legal he said I don't know much about it but I looked it up and it seems to be but as it costs a lot he can't get it which is why he is so depressed I asked him if he would be interested in going to the GP and ask for counselling or medication and to try and accept that he's an adult and will need to get a job but he absolutely won't budge on it ive tried everything offering rewards support trying to reason with him that we don't have much money and then I said i don't know if I could financially support him if he wouldn't help himself and get a job but he said if he gets kicked out he'd just die on the streets I genuinely don't know what to do should I leave things as they are and hope he changes should I contact the GP to notify them of his poor mental health is it possible that with this attitude social services could take him in as he won't help himself despite being an adult is it possible for him to go to Switzerland for euthanasia I don't know much about it but if he's suffering this much and has been for his entire teenage years would that be the best thing for him should he be allowed to option of euthanasia if he truly doesn't want a job or to be an adult would they give it to him for those reasons if he's suffering this much as a result do I need to be more firm with him and tell him that he needs to get a job and contribute to the household income or do I have no choice to kick him out if he won't change would that force him to get a job or would as he said just die on the streets I don't want that to happen I want him to be happy and successful but that isn't what he wants could I speak to the doctor about him wanting euthanasia despite it not being legal in this country would I be wrong for denying his euthanasia request even if he did get a job he came out of education at 14 with no GCSEs so it would probably be a job he wouldn't like I am less than a year away from 50 and exhausted I really don't know what to do here any help is appreciated

Oh OP this is so hard for you. We have someone in our extended family who is just the same. He is now about 28 and has no qualifications, never had a job, stopped regularly attending school when he was about 14. Initially his parents ignored it and brushed it under the carpet. The longer it has gone on, the harder it is to deal with - you can arrange to take a 14 or 15 year old to the GP even if they are not particularly keen on the idea, but you can't when the person is 22 or 23. Posters saying "just make an appointment" don't understand the reality.

People in this situation just fall through the gaps - the person I know is not on benefits and has never claimed benefits so is not on the radar of any body trying to help him address his issues. His parents are supporting him entirely because like you, they are fearful of what would happen if they just left him to it.

No idea what to advise but keep asking for help.

Thank you it's incredibly difficult I've just booked him a GP appointment to let them know how severe it is I accept he may need to be sectioned even then I'm not sure if he'll cooperate but thank you everyone for your help

within 2 mins you have called and got an appointment?

Even if he could afford it, Dignitas is for people who are terminally ill, I doubt they would entertain ending his life.
You are enabling his lifestyle. Of course he will be depressed lying in bed scrollingon his phone all day. I think you need to start requiring tnings in exchange for paying for his Internet and food.i think his behaviour has an element of manipulation. Very very small things to begin with that he can muster the energy, motivation and confidence to do eg 10 minutes weeding in the garden, having a shower and build it up from there, going yo the shop to buy milk etc and then the GP. But he has to do it to get access to Internet/power for his phone.

Needs help asap. No use saying it's been six years to make op feel even worse. Maybe he refused help during those years.

I had a relative commit suicide at that age dismissing him with "unlikely to afford euthanasia" isn't helpful

Specifically, be clear that this is a long term problem, and that previous attempts to engage have failed. The GP might say that they can't discuss another adult and tell them that's fine, they just need to listen to the concerns that you're raising. Say you think he might need to be sectioned (initially they will get a hold for 72 hours) to assess whether he needs treatment. They will attempt to make contact several times before they take this step, but refusing to engage will be a significant factor. Refusing to take care of personal hygiene will be another significant issue. If you can get photos of his bedroom, that might also help but don't upset him. He's ill.

After this, they can section him (section 2) for 28 days to provide treatment and if he needs more time, they can section him again on a section 3, which then will also entitle him to aftercare (if you're in England) where the costs of supporting the mental health illness are covered by the NHS / LA.

It's slightly different in Wales and very different in Scotland.

as far as I know, Switzerland only does euthanasia for terminally ill people. Not young people with depression. So tell him that is impossible.

This behaviour is called Hikkomori in Japanese. Look up therapy for this.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23182523

I understand and I'm sorry to hear that your going through the same I've booked him an appointment but I'll have to convince him to go it probably would have been easier if he had got the help years ago but all we can do is try my thoughts are with you

Phone GP first and all to speak to them. Tell them your concerns so that if he won't go, this is highlighted as part of the problem and read my message above.

Op you need to be realistic

he has never once been in 6 years

he is not suddenly going to go today

I am speechless you just rang up and got an app in 2 mins tbh

Sometimes this is called “failure to launch”. It sounds like he has some mental problems that need tackling properly though but a lot of his histrionics are likely just fear turning into words to manipulate you and he could well end up being a productive adult yet if he gets the right push and finds the right responsibilities to take on. Getting there will be tough. Good luck.

Unhelpful.

5 years ago we had a pandemic which meant everything ground to a halt for several months or longer. In many parts of the UK it took 2 years for in-person services to return.

If the OP's son was 14 and a bit when this started, by the time she was screaming for help we were deep into restrictions and nobody's interested. By the time the restrictions eased he's over 16, and has to be consulted on his own treatment. Sectioning is only for someone who is a danger to himself or others, and he's not.

Seriously, some posters think you can wave a magic wand and get all manner of mental health support right away. You can't. Unless you pay for it privately.

I’d stop mentioning jobs and money as he is clearly in no position to work in his condition, Focus on encouraging him to seek help and get him off his phone. He will probably need to be sectioned which will be very difficult but remember you are doing this to help him.

so a couple of things to clarify to him.

1. Euthanasia is NOT legal in Switzerland. Assisted suicide is.
2. the difference is that euthanasia is people acting on behalf of a person and assisted suicide the person still has to perform the act themselves but has been given assistance to obtain the means.
3. unless you get this through a charity, which he would not be eligible for as they operate only for those mainly with permanent medical conditions and term in illnesses. The few charities which DO offer assisted suicide for mental health will require a formal diagnosis and evidence of having attempted treatment such as therapy. This is also the case for many of the clinics which are not charities and which you pay for.

so if he really wants this he needs to know that;

a) it won’t be a case of go to sleep and someone does it for you. He will still have to perform the act to end his life himself.
b) he will have to be able to evidence his medical diagnosis and a record of attempted treatment.
c) it will cost a lot of money.

so, if he wants to pursue that route then he will have to get up, get a job and actually see some people who could help him.

how you have let him fester in this depression for 6 years is beyond me. Given how young he was at the start, if he refused to speak to anyone I would have been repeatedly calling every part of the NHS I possibly could to find out how to get someone to him.

also you said he wouldn’t come out of his room to speak to anyone. I would have taken them in to see him. He’s sick, sick people get seen in bed my medical professionals all the time. and if you couldn’t do this because he has a lock on the door then that needs to go immediately.

Kindly focus on getting him to the GP.

Stop focusing on him getting a job, this is too far from where he is now. Just stepping out of his home will be massive for him.

Hopefully the GP can get him the right support.

Encourage him to shower, to eat, to maybe sit in the garden with you.

Baby steps

Jobs, money, growing up are just too much for him right now

Why does he have a phone? He has a phone because you are paying for it and providing it, and it is enabling him to stay in bed destroying his life. Take it away - it's not his if he never earned it. Give him a non-smart phone he can use for actual communication.

He wants to go back to being a child again - so, give him structure and rules. Little kids don't get to stay in bed all day, they have to get up, get dressed and do what they are told.

He will need to restart his education. Start with a primary school timetable. Every day he has to get up, get dressed, do an hour of some kind of exercise, an hour of maths and an hour of english, then lunch. After lunch, topic work where you pick one topic at a time from a range of subjects across humanities, arts and sciences, spending 1-4 weeks learning about each thing and making a project about it. Stick with this timetable until he is ready for a timetable which will allow him to study 6 subjects (Maths, English and any 4 others of his choice) to gcse level via an online school.

His whole childhood broke down 6 years ago. You can't turn back time but you can create a pathway that rebuilds what got broken.

OP, what is happening to your son sounds like what happened to me. I absolutely crashed, left school at 15. From my perspective I felt extremely unwell all the time (sick, dizzy, faint, in pain) and had funny "episodes" that I didn't understand, I had no idea what was happening.

My mum, like you, just left me sitting in my room with zero help. She didn't even have civid as an excuse. I didn't want to see doctors either, I was scared and any interaction caused more symptoms. I was housebound for 10 years just rotting.

Anyone remember that story about that girl who was just left rotting on a sofa at her parents house, and she died in that very place, but with no evidence of being confined or trapped? And everyone wondered how that could happen? I know exactly how that could have happened, as it was almost me. I barely moved. Movement caused pain, distress. Every waking moment was torture so I just stayed absolutely still. I also wanted to be euthanised.

When I was a child, what I needed was an advocate. Someone to get a doctor to me, or at least look at my case - and stick with me. You're past that now I think, he's too old - you can try though. Perhaps you should try now.

Don't expect him to take responsibility for himself. He's too unwell.

I eventually did get myself going, however, but I was 25 before that happened. It only happened because of online friends supporting me and helping me. It worked very, very slowly. Your son NEEDS someone on his side, to help.. Not push, help.

If you kicked him out, he would likely die on the street. If you take away his only contact to the outside world (phone) it'll only get worse - it won't motivate him. No motivation can get someone out of that, the body and brain are too fucked up. I know I would have died on the streer. I didn't care about myself anymore. As I said, every waking moment felt like mental and physical torture - I will point out, I wasn't depressed. I was in pain, mentally and physically. It was only talking to online friends which slowly worked to pull me out and try. Again, very slowly. No one else helped.

My story is long, I won't bore you with it, but I eventually (very late) got diagnosed with multiple mental health disorders and "chronic fatigue syndrome" - and now have an autism assessment, as they think all my "mental health issues" may actually be undiagnosed autism and not receiving the support I needed. It all fits, but I am still awaiting assessment.

If it helps, I now have a job (work from home is all I can do, but it's still work), house with a mortgage, and getting married in a few months. My life doesn't look like everyone elses, and I still struggle, but I have one.

There's a person inside your son, and he's in pain. You may have to be cruel to be kind - contact the doctors about him today, and stick with it. Fight for him. It'll take time.

And hey, if you don't, maybe in a few years he will surprise you. Everyone left me to rot, and I surprised everyone.

Does he come out of his room for food or are you taking food to him?

Why does he still have the phone?

What makes you think he'll suddenly go to the GP?

If he refuses to go to gp request a home visit so the gp can see the extent of the issue that you are dealing with. They are the professionals not you they need to figure out how your son can be helped.

Such a tragic situation I am so sorry op I can't imagine how difficult this is and how hopeless you must feel 💐

I’m just a bit confused because I thought once you hit 18 other people can’t book your appointments for you Because you’re now legally an adult?

Why does he still have the phone?

Why would you cut off literally the only connection he has to anything? What would taking his phone achieve?

Why would you cut off literally the only connection he has to anything? What would taking his phone achieve?

Not only that, OP should be simultaneously pivoting into becoming a primary school teacher delivering several hours of education each day to a reluctant 20 year old, irrespective of what else she needs to be doing with her time. Or needs to quickly invent a time machine, go back 8 years and get him into cadets.

FFS.

Financially you need to see if you/he can claim PIP and/or UC.

I should have added to my post that I voted YABU because your son is clearly very ill. He needs help not a job. The fact that you’ve done almost nothing active to help him in 6 years is astonishing to me. The you seem more bothered by the fact he isn’t contributing to your household than the fact he has expressed a wish to die is mind blowing.
that apparently it only dawned on you to contact a GP after people on here told you to is ridiculous.

He needs help not bullying but it will take strength and backbone to persist with the support he needs. Are you sure you have either of those things?

I wouldn’t worry too much about Switzerland per se, sounds like a practical impossibility due to not having the money, plus he sounds in no state at all to get himself there.
I would worry about this suicidal ideation though. He needs to get mental health support.

Also, as a PP has said, point out that if by wanting to be a ‘child’ he means a life free of responsibility, he’s basically already got it. And it doesn’t appear to be working for him. Try suggesting that you go back to the old routines of his childhood to see how that feels. Tell him that the deal is - you will be take responsibility for his wellbeing, but he has to cooperate. This might actually help.
Also, and I realise this might be difficult, get him off his screens. The algorithms are probably messing with his head. He’s probably watching loads of stuff online about assisted suicide.