MIL not coming to see us

[Banannanana]

We invited my MIL (who is single) to come down and see us in January 2024. We love 5 hours away. It was arranged for March 2024. Her dad, partners grandad then died in the February so the March visit was cancelled. Ok, can’t be helped, we saw her when he passed, family all there. Visit was rearranged for August 2024. My partner then lost his dad (his parents weren’t together) last summer(July 2024). His mum was going to come down just after it happened (August 2024). She then had an operation that summer so didn’t rearrange the visit, just cancelled it. The operation coincided with my partners dad’s death. We went up to see her after the funeral, just after her operation. She spent the week talking about how much pain she was in after surgery, barely mentioned my partner. He says he asked her not to talk about his dad so this was fine.

However, after cancelling on us and not rearranging for the visit to take place before or after her surgery, she still managed to use her weekends to find and have a relationship with a new partner (since split.)

A visit was then arranged for August 2025. She has since used her time off to visit her mother (1 week, understandable I guess) and spend two weeks off for her birthday. None of this time off she had was arranged to spend time with us for.

She has just cancelled the August 2025 visit claiming she has an operation mid May (which means rather than seeing how she feels in late August when the visit is arranged for, she must cancel for then already).

She claims she knew this operation was taking place sometime but didn’t have a date. My question to her was knowing you had to cancel March and August 2024, and knowing you may have to cancel again for another operation, why would you not use your time off to ensure you could come and see us? Her reply was because she wanted two weeks off for her birthday instead. (She didn’t do anything special for it by her own admission, in fact she says she spent the two weeks in the garden).

AIBU to be pissed that despite the constant cancelling, her priority for her time off was to sit in the garden rather than ensure she could come and see her son (who by all accounts has had a shit year.) I know operations can’t be helped, what I’m pissed about us despite knowing she let us down and may do so again, her priority was to use her time off for herself instead of arranging to come to us then. I’m very hurt by this as I feel she’s prioritising time for herself (getting a bf, spending two weeks sitting at home for her birthday) over seeing us when we’ve been asking since Jan ‘24.

You sound a bit obsessed. It’s not your mother. Maybe this is why she doesn’t feel comfortable coming? I wouldn’t like to stay with someone who was this obsessive with me. Would be to intense!

It might be she knows you are going to be cross regardless of her genuine excuse so she doesn’t think a big conversation about not coming is helpful. I also suspect your combative approach towards her might be a factor in her finding it easier to stay away. Frankly I’d be annoyed if my son kept sending his wife into battle over when I visit him! I can see it getting in the way of them having a close relationship.

My now XMIL was the same. Like you it used to frustrate me like mad. I once did the round trip to get her to stay for a few days. That was the one and only time she did. To make it worse she has my DS as her grandson. So she’s only visited him once in his entire life and only lives 2 hours away. We kept going there, paying for hotels, Christmas and birthdays, my own mother’s days given up. We couldn’t have done more but were never met with from her. Even when we were there her enthusiasm was shoddy, even though she’d asked us. Very much a mother and grandmother that wants the photo and that’s it. Although on family days out she’d make far more effort and conversation with her other son and his children.
Whilst it didn’t cause my divorce it certainly was a contributing factor. I look back and think she’s an incredibly selfish and non maternal woman. I’ve spoken with my therapist a few times briefly about her, as I say she was a contributing factor, and the frustration was for me that I am a mother and I can’t imagine that in just a few years I would behave like her to my son or his family.
Your frustration and hurt OP, shows that you’re not the same and you simply cannot understand how a mother could not be there it seems in anyway to support her son, and your feelings are to protect him. However as so many have said, it isn’t worth getting involved, deep down your husband probably knows his relationship with his mum and being reminded of it, with the best intentions, will only hurt him more.
XDH knew he his brother was favourite, from a child, he’d lived with it for years before i came a long. What he didn’t need was me pointing it out. When I saw the effect it was having on my own child is when the battle in my head was over, and that was the only control that I had was to walk away and say me and my ds aren’t going to be treated like this.
Good luck OP 💖

@CurlySueAndBillToo I'm genuinely puzzled by this. It must have been obvious from the start that your ex-mil wasn't the maternal sort so why labour it?

Why pursue a relationship that wasn"'t wanted? In those circumstances, why didn't you just shrug and get on with having a nice life without her?

It wasn’t. She lived in another country at the start of our relationship and was going through a divorce. She phoned a lot but of course there were far more valid reasons why she couldn’t visit. We didn’t have Dc until 6 years in and when we told her she appeared the most excited of all parents. When she moved back to this country was when the cracks started to appear.

Gosh I never see my MIL and she lives 20 mins up the road! She's bothered with my 2 year old daughter twice since February. I wish I cared about seeing her like you do OP. I'm happy keeping her at arms length mind 😌 better for my sanity!

I wouldn't let it get to you OP. Just leave her to it. Be there for your husband like you have been. If she can't be bothered then you literally cannot force her x x

So she had your partner at, what, 18/19? Spent her late teens and 20s raising him when many of us would be enjoying a fairly footloose and fancy free life? Maybe she wants that time back to herself now? Good for her! On top of that had a tough couple of years. Lay off her, sounds like you’re looking for reasons to be cross with her. You live 5 hrs apart and see each other a few times a year, seems quite normal.

I agree with a pp that she's just not that in to you. Drop the rope. Don't visit her, don't arrange anything or mention visiting. Give her the same energy she gives you. If she mentions you coming to visit just insist she can visit you when she's free.

It reminds me of when my partner who has health and chronic pain issues would sometimes visit relatives. It was before he could drive so would involve a couple of hours on various public transport. He would end up in bed for days afterwards because it took too much out of him. God forbid anyone else take the 1 hour drive to visit us. They liked to bitch about him not making the effort with nieces/nephews but it didn't occur to them that effort is a 2 way street. When our son was born his sister didn't meet him for 18 months. There was always an excuse why she didn't visit.

I don't understand this attitude. She chose to have a baby at 18. She didn't do him a favour by having him and raising him like he's some sort of burden she can't wait to be freed from. If she isn't interested in occasionally visiting her adult child and grandchildren, then fair enough I suppose. Hopefully she won't expect visits or help when she's old and understands her son has his own life and is taking the time back for himself. You reap what you sow.

Can you send some nice care packages ? And messages
I sent my mil those cards that have long messages inside about how much you love them and going through tough times

some lavender cream and other caring type things to keep the love vibes going

I have a best friend that withdrawals massively when she is going though a hard time, I’ve learnt it’s not personal it’s just her coping mechanism

time to back off. And leave it up to him to keep contact , also find out maybe via another person if there are any issues with your hosting it could be something as silly as the mattress is to hard , my mil brings her own cotton sheets as hers weren’t to her liking ! Bonkers, but I’d never have thought that was an issue

You are supporting him, no? Who does she have? Sounds like she is also caring for her own elderly parent. I don't blame her for taking some time. Even if she is in a new relationship, I doubt they were in a position to support her through any of this as they'll just be getting to know eachother

I think you should take a step back. Focus on your partner, support them. That includes supporting his relationship with his mother, however that looks at the moment, and not getting overly involved and judging her.

Honestly why row? It doesn’t seem worth it to me. Probably makes her less likely to want to see you guys.