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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL not coming to see us

87 replies

Banannanana · 30/04/2025 21:31

We invited my MIL (who is single) to come down and see us in January 2024. We love 5 hours away. It was arranged for March 2024. Her dad, partners grandad then died in the February so the March visit was cancelled. Ok, can’t be helped, we saw her when he passed, family all there. Visit was rearranged for August 2024. My partner then lost his dad (his parents weren’t together) last summer(July 2024). His mum was going to come down just after it happened (August 2024). She then had an operation that summer so didn’t rearrange the visit, just cancelled it. The operation coincided with my partners dad’s death. We went up to see her after the funeral, just after her operation. She spent the week talking about how much pain she was in after surgery, barely mentioned my partner. He says he asked her not to talk about his dad so this was fine.

However, after cancelling on us and not rearranging for the visit to take place before or after her surgery, she still managed to use her weekends to find and have a relationship with a new partner (since split.)

A visit was then arranged for August 2025. She has since used her time off to visit her mother (1 week, understandable I guess) and spend two weeks off for her birthday. None of this time off she had was arranged to spend time with us for.

She has just cancelled the August 2025 visit claiming she has an operation mid May (which means rather than seeing how she feels in late August when the visit is arranged for, she must cancel for then already).

She claims she knew this operation was taking place sometime but didn’t have a date. My question to her was knowing you had to cancel March and August 2024, and knowing you may have to cancel again for another operation, why would you not use your time off to ensure you could come and see us? Her reply was because she wanted two weeks off for her birthday instead. (She didn’t do anything special for it by her own admission, in fact she says she spent the two weeks in the garden).

AIBU to be pissed that despite the constant cancelling, her priority for her time off was to sit in the garden rather than ensure she could come and see her son (who by all accounts has had a shit year.) I know operations can’t be helped, what I’m pissed about us despite knowing she let us down and may do so again, her priority was to use her time off for herself instead of arranging to come to us then. I’m very hurt by this as I feel she’s prioritising time for herself (getting a bf, spending two weeks sitting at home for her birthday) over seeing us when we’ve been asking since Jan ‘24.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:07

Hi everyone, I actually agree she wants her time to be for herself and not for us. Think you’ve all nailed it there.

It’s my partner insisting she wants to spend time with us but just can’t quite manage to. I said it seems as if she doesn’t want to see us and he wouldn’t accept it. He was the one who asked me to get some impartial advice and then he’d reconsider, so I’ll show this to him.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 30/04/2025 22:07

It’s sounds like it’s getting your dp down. Is there an underlying issue or has she always been this way

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:09

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/04/2025 22:06

She may only be 50 but she has health issues, so a 5 hr journey each way could feel like too much for her.

Regardless, she doesn't owe you her time.

The comment about having time for a new boyfriend are also unreasonable, unless of course he also lives 5hrs away or more.

Hi, her boyfriend and parents are also miles and 4-5 hours away, she had managed to drive to them numerous times during this period but not drive to us.

That’s what I’m upset about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:09

beAsensible1 · 30/04/2025 22:07

It’s sounds like it’s getting your dp down. Is there an underlying issue or has she always been this way

Hi, from my perspective she’s always been this way, he’d probably defend her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:10

beAsensible1 · 30/04/2025 22:05

Why is it a row.

just call and say hi MIL DP is really missing you and won’t say, could you visit or invite him to stay. I know he’d appreciate it even though he doesn’t say.

in fact send a Voicenote so there doesn’t have to be any implication of meaning or tone. There’s no recapping of the conversation in a different way or forgetting.

Show quote history

She shouts at me that she can’t manage to see us then hangs up lol. I’ve tried calling her and asking.

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 30/04/2025 22:12

Let it go

Endofyear · 30/04/2025 22:14

Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:03

I think my partner should stop being passive and leaving it up to me and deal with it himself too tbf, he won’t tell her though. So it’s me who ends up in an inevitable row with her.

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Why? Just don't get involved and let them get on with it! This is really up to your partner to sort out. I certainly wouldn't be having a row with his mother over this.

TiredCatLady · 30/04/2025 22:16

I have a parent like this. They’ve made the grand total of one visit in the last decade for one night only. Despite driving past where I lived on multiple occasions and haranguing me about “when are you coming home?”.

I stopped making all the effort. Been NC for a couple of years now.

JustTalkToThem · 30/04/2025 22:18

Lost me with this bitchy comment

“she still managed to use her weekends to find and have a relationship with a new partner”

Meadowfinch · 30/04/2025 22:18

Autumn38 · 30/04/2025 22:04

That’s hurtful OP, and really really hurtful for your DP.

If she is happy to see you when you go to her i think I’d readjust my expectations and just visit her, but ONLY when it works for you guys and when you want to.

im sorry though - it can be so hard when you feel let down by the people who should be there for you the most.

Eh? He's a grown man of 31 with a wife. He should be capable of looking after himself by now.

His mother is a single working lady in her 50s, who lives 5 hours away and has health issues. At 30, perhaps the Op doesn't realise it, but by 50, some people have considerably less energy.

I'd leave it OP. You can't pressure someone in to visiting. Leave it and see whether she suggests something once she feels up to it. Maybe she isn't keen on your location. City/rural, flat or house with garden? North or South?

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:23

Meadowfinch · 30/04/2025 22:18

Eh? He's a grown man of 31 with a wife. He should be capable of looking after himself by now.

His mother is a single working lady in her 50s, who lives 5 hours away and has health issues. At 30, perhaps the Op doesn't realise it, but by 50, some people have considerably less energy.

I'd leave it OP. You can't pressure someone in to visiting. Leave it and see whether she suggests something once she feels up to it. Maybe she isn't keen on your location. City/rural, flat or house with garden? North or South?

Show quote history

Hi, I get she may have less energy but she has energy for others just not for us.

yea perhaps she doesn’t like where we live lol.

OP posts:
Throwawayagain1234 · 30/04/2025 22:23

I'm her age, I have three adult children (feels like I've been parenting for a million years by now) and I look after my aging parents as well as having a job. When I get time off my biggest luxury is just hanging out in my own home and finding time to breathe. Your Mil has been a parent for over 30 years is obviously being a good daughter and probably been slapped about by the menopause. It might seem hurtful to you guys but she's probably just taking 5 minutes to prioritise her mental health and well being after a lifetime of putting everyone else first. I know exactly how she feels! It doesn't mean she loves her son any less, I bet she's just knackered.

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:24

Throwawayagain1234 · 30/04/2025 22:23

I'm her age, I have three adult children (feels like I've been parenting for a million years by now) and I look after my aging parents as well as having a job. When I get time off my biggest luxury is just hanging out in my own home and finding time to breathe. Your Mil has been a parent for over 30 years is obviously being a good daughter and probably been slapped about by the menopause. It might seem hurtful to you guys but she's probably just taking 5 minutes to prioritise her mental health and well being after a lifetime of putting everyone else first. I know exactly how she feels! It doesn't mean she loves her son any less, I bet she's just knackered.

Yes maybe she is knackered. Some honesty from her about that would be nice I guess.

I guess it’s that I feel like she’s not too knackered to spend time with others but is too knackered for us?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 30/04/2025 22:27

Are there practical issues here? Do you have a guest room? What is the bathroom situation? Stairs?

can she afford a hotel?

Throwawayagain1234 · 30/04/2025 22:30

You are right there, if she just said 'guys I am done in and feel like all I've done is give and give and for a little bit I'd like to just look after myself' it might help you understand (even if you would prefer her time and company. I will remember this for my own children! I know I'd rather spend my time with my children not my mum and dad but they are at an age where they need me a lot more.

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:40

I think my partner should stop being passive and leaving it up to me and deal with it himself too tbf, he won’t tell her though. So it’s me who ends up in an inevitable row with her.

This is a really odd statement from you.

You don't have to "deal" with anything on his behalf. Just leave it to him. There is nothing "inevitable" about the row - unless you insist on involving yourself.

What do you think he should “tell her”? That she’s being unreasonable by not visiting you? What will that achieve?

If your partner is being passive about it, that's his choice. Your more direct approach hasn't achieved anything except rows, has it?

Of course your partner doesn't want to admit that his mother isn't bothered to see him - that's hurtful for him.

Why are you so determined to put yourself in the middle of this? Just leave it.

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:46

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:40

I think my partner should stop being passive and leaving it up to me and deal with it himself too tbf, he won’t tell her though. So it’s me who ends up in an inevitable row with her.

This is a really odd statement from you.

You don't have to "deal" with anything on his behalf. Just leave it to him. There is nothing "inevitable" about the row - unless you insist on involving yourself.

What do you think he should “tell her”? That she’s being unreasonable by not visiting you? What will that achieve?

If your partner is being passive about it, that's his choice. Your more direct approach hasn't achieved anything except rows, has it?

Of course your partner doesn't want to admit that his mother isn't bothered to see him - that's hurtful for him.

Why are you so determined to put yourself in the middle of this? Just leave it.

Edited

This is fair. I guess it’s because I feel an urge to stick up for him when I feel he’s being treated unfairly. I find it hard not to stick up for him. I think it’s decent advice to just leave him deal with it though, not saying you’re wrong there.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:46

Throwawayagain1234 · 30/04/2025 22:30

You are right there, if she just said 'guys I am done in and feel like all I've done is give and give and for a little bit I'd like to just look after myself' it might help you understand (even if you would prefer her time and company. I will remember this for my own children! I know I'd rather spend my time with my children not my mum and dad but they are at an age where they need me a lot more.

Yep, literally would rather know she doesn’t want to come for whatever reason than be questioning if it’s us.

OP posts:
financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:54

I get that you feel protective of him, but you can't make her want to visit, and it actually sounds like you've made the situation more charged and stressful by your involvement.

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 22:54

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:54

I get that you feel protective of him, but you can't make her want to visit, and it actually sounds like you've made the situation more charged and stressful by your involvement.

This is fair. Nail on head. I CAN’T make her come, can I? And that’s what I’ve been trying to do by talking to her about it, causing arguments, and it’s changed NOTHING.

any tips anyone on how to move on and accept she just doesn’t want to?

OP posts:
financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:56

Fair play to you for accepting my (hopefully constructive) criticism of how you've been handling this.

Has his mum ever been interested and caring towards him?

cherish123 · 30/04/2025 22:57

Is your boyfriend/girlfriend bothered? Could they go and visit their mum? Maybe she just wants to see her child alone.

maddening · 30/04/2025 23:00

She has been going through a lot - it seems correct that you might do more of the leg work during that time - surely that is the thing with family - swings and roundabouts imo

Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:02

financialmuddle · 30/04/2025 22:56

Fair play to you for accepting my (hopefully constructive) criticism of how you've been handling this.

Has his mum ever been interested and caring towards him?

I don’t think I could post on here and not be willing to accept peoples responses lol, I hate people who just post for validation and not advice. Thanks for making it constructive and not a pile on, it’s appreciated.

in terms of your question? He’d probably say yes she has. I’ll just say this isn’t my first issue with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banannanana · 30/04/2025 23:03

maddening · 30/04/2025 23:00

She has been going through a lot - it seems correct that you might do more of the leg work during that time - surely that is the thing with family - swings and roundabouts imo

Fair enough, I think I’d like it more if she at least seemed disappointed she couldn’t come to us. She doesn’t even seem bothered about it.

OP posts: