MIL not coming to see us

[Banannanana]

We invited my MIL (who is single) to come down and see us in January 2024. We love 5 hours away. It was arranged for March 2024. Her dad, partners grandad then died in the February so the March visit was cancelled. Ok, can’t be helped, we saw her when he passed, family all there. Visit was rearranged for August 2024. My partner then lost his dad (his parents weren’t together) last summer(July 2024). His mum was going to come down just after it happened (August 2024). She then had an operation that summer so didn’t rearrange the visit, just cancelled it. The operation coincided with my partners dad’s death. We went up to see her after the funeral, just after her operation. She spent the week talking about how much pain she was in after surgery, barely mentioned my partner. He says he asked her not to talk about his dad so this was fine.

However, after cancelling on us and not rearranging for the visit to take place before or after her surgery, she still managed to use her weekends to find and have a relationship with a new partner (since split.)

A visit was then arranged for August 2025. She has since used her time off to visit her mother (1 week, understandable I guess) and spend two weeks off for her birthday. None of this time off she had was arranged to spend time with us for.

She has just cancelled the August 2025 visit claiming she has an operation mid May (which means rather than seeing how she feels in late August when the visit is arranged for, she must cancel for then already).

She claims she knew this operation was taking place sometime but didn’t have a date. My question to her was knowing you had to cancel March and August 2024, and knowing you may have to cancel again for another operation, why would you not use your time off to ensure you could come and see us? Her reply was because she wanted two weeks off for her birthday instead. (She didn’t do anything special for it by her own admission, in fact she says she spent the two weeks in the garden).

AIBU to be pissed that despite the constant cancelling, her priority for her time off was to sit in the garden rather than ensure she could come and see her son (who by all accounts has had a shit year.) I know operations can’t be helped, what I’m pissed about us despite knowing she let us down and may do so again, her priority was to use her time off for herself instead of arranging to come to us then. I’m very hurt by this as I feel she’s prioritising time for herself (getting a bf, spending two weeks sitting at home for her birthday) over seeing us when we’ve been asking since Jan ‘24.

I think you're being really harsh. She's lost a parent. Lost a loved one, regardless of if your partners parents were together or not, at one point they had a relationship outside of your partner. Two losses. Then an operation and another one planned? And she's taken some time to see her mother and take some time alone? I think that is very reasonable and I feel very sad for her actually. She's only human.

I'd imagine his way of coping with her not seeming to be bothered is to not address it head on and 'pick the scab' as that leads to it being even more obvious and so more hurtful. It's less hurtful to just leave it be.

As for how you learn to accept it: it sounds like you're in the process of doing that already when you say "I CAN’T make her come, can I? And that’s what I’ve been trying to do by talking to her about it, causing arguments, and it’s changed NOTHING."

Yep. So just concentrate on your own relationship with your DP and drop any expectations of his mother.

I agree there might be practical issues. We've stopped staying with family when we visit because they have a terrible sofabed and the curtains don't block out the light.You can't tell someone they have to get a new bed or you won't visit so now we do visit but stay in a hotel. Still haven't mentioned the awful bed.

I don’t see why you’re ’taking it’ any way at all. If your partner is heartbroken by her failure to visit, surely it’s up to him to address it?You sound critical of her, and as though you’re keeping some kind of running total of visits paid and missed and how she spends her AL. Assuming you’re not personally sad at her not coming, why not just let your partner deal with it?

So is my partner. He needs support too.

her only response to his dad dying was joking about him being in hell. So I wouldn’t class that as a loss to her. Or something a supportive person would say.

I will accept me getting involved is probably making it harder on my partner. Hadn’t thought of it like that because I’m only trying to stick up for him. Will try to just keep out of it from now on and let him deal, as hard it is it.

Its just tough because I feel like he doesn’t want to upset her by saying something. I feel protective of him. But I guess for his sake I need to not say anything. Will fully take that on board and try to keep my opinions to myself more.

Are we in general agreement that whilst how I handle it isn’t the best way, I’m not going nuts thinking maybe she just doesn’t want to see us for whatever reason?

Sorry, perhaps it’s been missed I am personally very sad, me and her used to be so close and because she’s not coming to see us I feel we’re losing our closeness.

I try to dress it up as hurt for my partner only, but I guess I am sad about the loss of the close relationship between me and her too.

I have ADHD and suspected BPD too, am prone to rejection sensitivity. That’s why I asked if I’m being unreasonable, because sometimes I see rejection where it’s not there. Seems like other people also think she doesn’t want to see us for whatever reason too though.

Op maybe I am reading it wrong but you sound obessed, it is not your mother so just leave them to it

it is not about you nor what you have decided should happen

I mean since she doesn’t even own curtains so we have to sleep in the light or take an eyemask to hers, my partners allergic to her cat and she once had FLEAS in the house that bit us, but we still go I think it’s a bit hypocritical if she has issues with our house.

I digress though, that’s not really the point of my post. Guess that explains why I think she should put herself through discomfort to see us when we put ourselves through it to see her lol.

And before people say stop going to hers, my partner gets VERY upset the times I’ve refused to go to hers. (More upset than he gets when she won’t come here 😬)

Take a step back and stop getting involved. I think you’re making a drama out of the whole situation. Leave it up to your partner to sort out any issues with his mother - maybe she just doesn’t want to visit.

I agree it doesn't seem like she wants to visit, although you may never know why.

You seem to have good self-insight, for example realising that it's also a loss to you, which you have been framing as just being upset for your DP.

If you drop the subject, she may eventually visit? But at least you won't be arguing about it, and analysing her reasons each time she cancels.

That’s a fair point. As said above, I do struggle with rejection sensitivity and miss how close me and her were. So I fully accept I am taking this way harder than most would, and it maybe seems obsessive to some. ADHD/BPD be like that lol, it’s the hyper focus.

I think just moving on and leaving her alone is the best advice though, so I accept that and don’t disagree with you.

I really appreciate the comment on the good self insight. Think my bloody neurodivergence is hyper focusing in on this rejection!

Nice to see it’s not ALL in my head and there is a potential issue though cause I’m never quite sure, hence why I asked AIBU.

Maybe a little of column A, a little of column B. Yes there is likely an issue, but I’m WAY too focused on it (common for my conditions unfortunately!)

I don't think I've ever seen anyone on here go from a pretty entrenched position (as in your first post - I see the hyperfocus now that you've explained!) to accepting posters' perspectives, and doing a 180 quite so readily. Flexibility is an asset.

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. Sounds like she's had a very hard year. I think a lot of people in her circumstances would need a bit of time to themselves, even if just to sit in the garden. She has seen you a couple of times but it sounds like at this time it's easier for you to be the ones doing the travel, if she needs to prioritize travel to see her elderly mother then yes she might find it a bit much to also travel to her adult son when she is also recovering from surgery. I think you getting involved and making a big drama over it is more upsetting to your partner than just leaving it.

Welcome to ADHD 😂

Sometimes you just need other people to rationalize for you, that’s the whole reason I asked for advice. No point asking if you won’t take it, eh?

Now how to fix it all. I guess I just accept she may not want to come down and try to move on from that (easier said than done!)

Read through the thread.

ADHD hyper focus and rejection sensitivity makes all this bloody hard. It means that whatever her reasoning for not wanting to come, or how valid people think it, it bloody hurts.

You can’t force someone to want to do something.

I hate staying in other peoples houses so I get it, but I’d refuse in the first place rather than make arrangements. In the nicest way, you sound quite overbearing which might factor into the lack of visits. If your DP is that upset about the cancellations then it’s up to him to discuss that with his mother, and if he’s not arsed then you need to unclench about it.

How did she end up 5 hours away? Did she move or your DP?

Great post!!!

I did read it. That's why I think you're being unreasonable. I'm sorry that you are hurt by it but I think if you try and think of everything she's had to deal with in the past year and give her some grace rather than fighting with her, it would be better for everyone.

Do you think that perhaps she finds you a bit intense when she stays with you and struggles with that when in your home?
Perhaps she arranges then cancels as she doesn't know how to raise this with you without hurting you .

I’m in my 50s and not in great health. I can not emphasize how important getting a good nights sleep has become. There is no chance I will agree to any travel that involves roughing it or putting up with even a slightly uncomfortable sleeping situation. I wasn’t in great health at 30 either as it’s a chronic condition that I can’t do anything about, but I could still handle one bad night at 30. One night on a sofa or without curtains back then and I would probably be a bit grouchy. Today, I literally might not be able to get up and walk around the next day.

if your mil is having multiple surgeries, are you sure you are just asking her to put up with a bit of discomfort?

Maybe you make her uncomfortable without realising it - by trying too hard to please her or scheduling too many activities, I don’t know.
Maybe you’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and she just doesn’t like you - it happens.
Maybe you’ve done nothing wrong and she loves you - you could always ask her, in a nice way, of course.
One thing’s for certain - it would go a long way towards your own peace of mind if you stopped caring so much whether or not she came to visit.
Sending love.

Ok this makes a lot of sense. My first thought when reading your post was: why are you so bothered? She’s not your mum. Not your problem. Your DH is happy to leave it alone and you’re being really pushy?

Do you realise that your actions could actually be making her more likely to stay away? If my son’s partner was making demands of me and my time I would be more likely to stay away.

Yes you can be hurt if she doesn’t seem to care. But you’re way too invested. Whatever the reason is you need to try and deal with it somehow before you break the relationship entirely.

I also wonder if you guys moved away or did she?