To think this is overkill ?

[AdderJagfa]

The context to this is I was 9 years old and it was the no man’s land time between Xmas and Nee Year - so let’s say around December 29th?

I had a mad crush on a boy at the time and I wrote a letter and rang someone’s doorbell I knew 2 streets away and gave it to the woman of the house who had kids roughly my age - I’d signed letter with the boys unusual surname. I wrote another letter and signed it with a completely different surname

After i delivered the letters I walked home knowing I’d made a huge mistake

That evening my doorbell rang and the husband and wife from the house in question were both at the door with the letters in hand and came into speak to my parents

I got a huge telling off and dressing down by my parents and felt very mortified and embarrassed about the whole thing. There was such a bad atmosphere in the house I actually begged for the cleaner to come the next day 😭 - but she didn’t cos Xmas hols

Just to say the content of my letters wasn’t in any way rude or offensive

AIBU to think the adults in this situation went too far?

Fair enough - I agree with what you say here -

I admit I did something very ‘random’ in December 1981 which was a time when the word ‘random’ wasn’t even used in that context !

No I didn’t need to put my address on because the family lived close enough and it was a close knit community enough for them to know where we lived - we knew people of mutual people in common

the relevance of the cleaner is this - I was an only child of old fashioned upper middle class very distant career oriented, stern parents - so I really felt like shit

the cleaner was a down to earth, lovely lady.

The boy wasn’t local and not known to other fam

My take is its 1 of 2 things going on here

• you have a poor relationship with your parents to this day and this incident is just a prime example of where they made you feel bad and you are fixated on it.

-At the time you felt burning embarrassment / shame/ humiliation over doing something admittedly a bit weird and it's stuck with you

I myself can recall one or 2 similar events from my own childhood in the 80s where I did weird things and it still feels painful to recall them ( this post reminded me of one... I used to play "a game" in my head when walking down a local alley way we used to go the shops/school etc. It was quite long. The game was to catch up to whoever was in front without running! Normally people were 5m or so ahead so i just walked a bit faster. One day a woman with a child was 30m or so ahead and I was furiously and loudly (probably) power walking.. getting faster and faster as she wax nsarly at the end. she was (understandably) startled and stopped turned and gave me what i perceived to be a very filthy look and I was very crushed and thought she was mea and i felt humiliated etc and never played the game again!!!
I still get quite raw emotions recalling it but like it WAS weird....🤷🏻‍♀️

You need to let it go

It was a slightly odd thing to do, but as a parent, I think I'd more wonder why than come down on you like a ton of bricks.

It sounds like you've a lot to pick through from your childhood, and this stays with you hugely because of how it made you feel - embarrassed, humiliated, unsafe and alone.

Even with your updates I am still baffled .
From a child's perspective it was a odd thing to do but essentially harmless
Form a adults point of view it comes across as quite disturbing.
A child I don't know hands 2 letters to me , in them she is pretending to be a adult.
It could be seen as a cry for help , trying to 'escape' whats going on at home and / or implicating the people the letters were addressed to .
The person you gave them to could of thought there was something odd / wrong going on at home so came to check hence your parents been cross at you.

However that could all be compete rubbish and both sets of adults were just annoyed at been disturbed .

I think back then parents were more concerned about what people thought about their kids behaviour than they tend to be today.

interesting take actually and accurate on some levels

Interesting and possibly right

my parents were very concerned to the point of ridiculousness I thought

But did you/your parents actually KNOW the people who's house you turned up at, am assuming not hence the 'randoms' they were probably both concerned re your lack of being able to keep yourself safe, given the knocking at strangers doors?

But what is the connection between the people receiving the letters and your crush and the content of the letters and your motivations? What was the aim?

It sounds deranged!

Did you hand over the letters to them or post them in your post box. If you put a fake name how did they know you sent them?

Yes both me and my parents 100% knew these people

I handed over the letters to her - I rang the bell first and she opened the door. I even remember her talking to her cat as she came the the door

“d’you want to go out?” 🤣

No connection that’s the thing! I agree - totally random

What do you think motivated you to write the letters, and was there a reason why you gave them to that family? It's a very unusual thing to do.. they were obviously very concerned and it sounds like your parents were very embarrassed.

They assumed there was something distressing happening and probably questioned your parents privately as it's such an odd thing to do. Your parents were defensive and offended anything would be "wrong" with their child. They came down hard on you to ensure you didn't do something "odd" again so as to keep concerned neighbours off their back. Your parents were probably privately rude to the couple when they called hence the dirty look. Your parents sound uptight and concerned with appearances.
Your actions were odd perhaps you were lonely and seeking another adult for attention?
Nothing to be losing sleep over now. It was harmless.

Ok in your first sentence you’ve asked 2 very interesting questions and I’ll now reflect and attempt to answer them

I had SUCH an overwhelming crush on this lad and he had a VERY unusual surname so by my singing the letter with his surname I was showing people I had a ‘connection’ with this lad iyswim. This was my motivation in my 8 year old mind.

There was absolutely NO reason whatsoever I chose this family - they lived a few door down from my best friend although in a different street - they lived in a small close off a main road iyswim

You seem to be focusing on the reaction rather than the action.
What you did was concerning, it seems to be more than a silly prank a 9 year old would do.
The recipients of the letter were totally correct to bring this type of behaviour to your parents attention and I can imagine how your parents were annoyed at you.
This was 40 years ago, parents parented differently then, but you seem to want to blame them for being annoyed at you, what do you think the response should have been?

You are very right in your analysis here overall

one thing a bit different though - I don’t think my parents were rude to the couple because they were the type of parents too worried about being talked about and accused of being rude - they had to keep a polite demeanour in public especially as the woman was a teacher

We all did things as children that we look back on and cringe. I certainly did. So try not to dwell on it. It's 44 years ago anyway, so frankly what's the point? You can't change the past, you can only learn from it.

Your AIBU is did your parents go too far? I don't think they did necessarily. You say they gave you a telling off and dressing down. Sounds pretty normal in the circumstances. My mother would have done the same, and maybe taken a ruler to my hand if I'd embarrassed her in the same way.

What's your relationship with your parents like now OP, and how are things in your life generally?

Then the woman most likely had safeguarding on her mind. Either way the dirty look was for your parents and not you. You didn't do anything wrong.

Yes it was a total overreaction imo. You did a mad thing but you were a child, living in a part imaginary world, and actually being quite creative writing letters. My best case is that your parents felt shame and that transferred to you as anger. They had an immature emotional response and that isn’t your fault (and not theirs either).

The fact that you immediately regretted it means that you didn’t need a dressing down from your parents as you wouldn’t have done the same thing again anyway. If your parents took the time to calm speak and listen to you, they would have realised this. You were capable of learning from your own mistakes but weren’t given the chance to show that to them.

I am not surprised you are affected by what happened. While random, you didn’t do anything ‘wrong’ here, just an active imagination and maybe no one to talk to to share your feelings/thoughts. I grew up in the 80s and I don’t remember my parents talking much about feelings or anything personal really. I wrote a lot of stories. The reaction of your parents made you feel bad about yourself and that you did something really bad when you didn’t. It sounds like they were more concerned about the appearance of things rather than the why. This may well have been due to their own upbringing, maybe they didn’t have the tools to react differently. It’s a long time ago but it sounds like it had real impact on you and we don’t forget things that hurt us.