Did anyone’s Mother stop you seeing your father? If so, how do you feel about it now?

[andanotherproblem]

My DP’s ex has always been really difficult, controlling and demanding, she stops contact for the silliest of things and even just if she’s having a bad day. She has always been very jealous and bitter of our relationship, especially now we have a DD. DP hasn’t seen his daughter for almost 4 months, not for lack of trying, she will not let him, I’ve told him numerous times to go to court, he is so deflated with being told no all the time, he keeps saying he will eventually take her to court but I don’t think he will. This annoys me as I want our DD to have a relationship with her sibling, the ex pretty much says our DD isn’t important as she isn’t a full sibling. I’m wondering, has anyone’s mother stopped them seeing their father and if so, once you got older and learned the truth, how did you feel? Were you annoyed your dad didn’t try harder or were you more angry at your mum?

The thing you are saying you don't want to talk about is relevant to your question though. I don't think anyone is doubting that the ex may well be very unpleasant (or even a psycho, who knows), but I'm not sure why that would stop him fighting tooth and nail to go to court and get access? And whether or not he does that, will have an impact on whether she grows up to feel like he made an effort or not.

@PenelopeSkye plenty of men can't afford to fight tooth and nail because it costs so much money. Not because they don't want to.

£280 and self representation you can get free help and support all over the place "no money" is no excuse for not trying to see your children for years

Likely that two things can be true; her mum can be a pain, and obstructive and keep her from him AND he can put minimal effort into sorting the situation.

Whether that’s getting some free legal advice (lots of solicitors offer an hour free advice no obligation), or going through mediation, or court (depending on circumstances there are options for paying) or simply by asking her mum and being persistent and keeping a paper trail so maybe one day he can show his daughter he tried rather than look at the floor and say “I had my reasons I didn’t really do much ….”

Me.

It left me estranged from both my parents eventually. Dad, because it was a mine field to see or hear from him. Mum because she would not let it go. Continuous out of the blue testing to make sure I still believed the main Big Fat Lie. I was late 30s with a husband and a child and I just couldn’t cope with the constant shaking of ground under my feet. Not if my own little family unit was going to stand a chance.

Forgiveness came easily when it came. But I continued to struggle very hard with what felt like a deep swirly pain in my solar plexus for decades. Last year I had sistemic coaching. It helped a lot. Which surprised me because I was deeply sceptical.

I’ve been free from the grief of it all for close to nine months now. 1984-2024 were hard on my soul, lugging all that baggage with me. Putting it down and walking forward without the burden that was never mine to carry has been liberating.

SI initiated the moment it started. Remained a constant part of my life until after Covid my GP put me on anti-depressants. Then I put myself on HRT. And it finally receded. After the coaching it felt like an enormous boulder had been lifted off me.

I can’t help you with the adult choices in this equation. They will either sacrifice mucho to prioritise the kid at the sharp end, or they will lose clarity about their child’s outcome because they are blinded by their own huge feelings.

Option a also comes with a paper trail so when your child shows up or throws out the you never cared line you can show you tried

If you don't agree I would imagine his daughter won't agree.
I can't think of any reason long term, and 4 months is rapidly approaching long term.
Briefly I could understand "I didn't want to worsen relations between me and mum for DDs sake and knew it would resolve itself" but that excuse only works for so long.

It seems to be all about the money, doesn't it?

Fun fact my ex inherited around £30,000 so you would expect him to take me the crazy ex to court right? No he bought himself a new car and a fancy wedding promised the kids expensive gifts for Christmas and spent £20 on one and gave the other a regifted present he also hasn't arranged to see them for the last few years he has showed up at Christmas but he knows I go out at so he used to give me a courtesy call making sure I'm in (I'm not a recluse) he doesn't make the call anymore and shows up at a time where I'm usually out (we were married for years he knows my routine) so there we go a real effort to see the kids and rescue them from the crazy ex

@Theunamedcat simply not true. Just been through this recently through a relative. Each day in court has cost 5k. Now 12-15k in he has been told that for the 3 day fact find and half day pre trial, it's an extra 20k minimum. He represented himself in the first hearing to minimise costs and the judge told him to find representation for the next hearing. I don't know where you are getting £280 from.

Never met my father, no photos, no cards nothing. I’m 68 and blame both my parents for it.

@Mathsbabe I'm so sorry that is really sad. I often think the parents get so caught up in their hatred for each other that neither of them thinks of the kids. They both behave selfishly

This is an excuse used by deadbeat dads.

I know men who went to court, some it cost a lot some very little. But it also costs the mother too. Any man who who would not “try” because of cost just wants to be a deadbeat.

To answer your q, as an adult, on rekindling the relationship I was shown every piece of evidence, solicitors letters, court applications, decrees. I had tangible evidence that I was loved, I was worth fighting for. Meant a lot.

Without that, the original narrative, ‘left us, had a new family, didn’t care’ would have stuck.

They will thank you for being their protection. You hear so many times children have nobody to advocate for them and they have no choice. You’ve saved your children from that.

My DH went through solicitors to get contact, it never got to court. His solicitor and her solicitor worked it out between them, with agreements all round. He has a great relationship with his daughter. BIL, just allowed his ex to say no, outright refusal, he hasn’t seen his daughter since she was 2 or 3, she’ll be 26 now.

Tell your DP to pull his finger out. Involving a solicitor isn’t an act of aggression, I know plenty of people see it that way.

My mum was awful, my dad was equally shit for not doing his best to reduce my contact with her. Someome choosing to leave a child with a “complete psycho” is damaging the children just as much, so would likely bring similar feelings to the child when they’re older.

I remember consulting a solicitor to see if I could force my ex to see his daughter the response was why would you want to? The guy paid nothing did nothing and I could do nothing to change it he literally married someone disabled claimed carers allowance until our daughter turned 18 (it makes you exempt apparently) his wife contacted dd when she was 15 insinuated I was a terrible person a revolting creature and they were ready for her to come home to them as soon as possible this was 12 years after they last saw her (dd blocked them in the end) they blame me for never seeing her again but dd is 25 and has been living independently for some time they still haven't got in touch with her they still claim I won't let her see them I literally couldn't stop her if I tried she is an adult

Your dh is being pathetic!

Because fact that he can’t be arsed to pursue what would address the situation is much more interesting

So intrigued what his reasoning was that he couldn’t be arsed to do anything about seeing his child

I don't know how to reply to someone but that thank you for that reply. They've had one supervised visit and another due tomorrow. We ended up crossing paths the last time due to centres cock up. Brought a lot of stuff back and made me have a cry. Just keep saying they'll be able to make thier own minds up soon. Dd 15 has washed her hands of him and court didn't want to order a 15 year old to see him.

Court is not the complete result If the RP decides to ignore the order repeatedly, the NRP has to repeatedly go back to court. Representing themselves and doing it cheaply is risky if accusations fly. Add in cost of legal representation and it gets costly very quickly. The men I know who have little contact struggle to keep a roof over their head let alone pay legal fees.
To answer question I guess it later depends on the child's experiences as they grow up, how influenced they are by RP and intelligence at seeing the bigger picture. A young man who ends up in the same position as his father may realise his father wasn't such a deadbeat, or the young woman may see that mum isn't as 'nice' as a small child thinks.

Mumsnet evil MILs were DILs at one point. Just as some men are deadbeat without consideration for their children there are women who use children as weapons.