Did anyone’s Mother stop you seeing your father? If so, how do you feel about it now?

[andanotherproblem]

My DP’s ex has always been really difficult, controlling and demanding, she stops contact for the silliest of things and even just if she’s having a bad day. She has always been very jealous and bitter of our relationship, especially now we have a DD. DP hasn’t seen his daughter for almost 4 months, not for lack of trying, she will not let him, I’ve told him numerous times to go to court, he is so deflated with being told no all the time, he keeps saying he will eventually take her to court but I don’t think he will. This annoys me as I want our DD to have a relationship with her sibling, the ex pretty much says our DD isn’t important as she isn’t a full sibling. I’m wondering, has anyone’s mother stopped them seeing their father and if so, once you got older and learned the truth, how did you feel? Were you annoyed your dad didn’t try harder or were you more angry at your mum?

You’ve got a child yourself. Can you imagine NOT going to court to see them if your partner suddenly decided you couldn’t see your child? Too many men just have such good reasons for not doing court - like not wanting to rock the boat, not being able to find the money, not wanting to upset their child etc etc.

the truth is, parenting is hard and sometimes you have to do difficult, unpalatable, unpleasant stuff in your child’s long term best interests. I can think of very few circumstances where there are legitimate reasons for not pursuing court ordered contact if contact is being frustrated.

To answer yr actual question, I have friends with a variety of child contact patterns/ no contact.

one has an ex who is now a crack addict and smoked crack in front of their child on contact weekends. Late teen child (now) fully understands why mum didn’t facilitate contact and has nothing to do with the father.

one has an ex who is just a bit feckless, disinterested and easily distracted by his new girlfriends. Mid teen child has fallen for the ‘I’d have you more but your mum doesn’t want that’ cobblers. It won’t last. Child will eventually come to own conclusions.

I actually don’t know any psycho exes (!) who intentionally withhold contact for no reason. Most single parents are grateful of some time off now and again.

Honestly, the ‘psycho ex’ thing is a red flag for a reason.

With all due respect, you don’t know every single person. Just because YOU don’t know a psycho ex who withholds contact for no reason, doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Like I said I’ve witnessed it myself so it isn’t bullshit at all

Yes it does happen, definitely and all too often I'm afraid.

However, no decent parent would let it happen to them without going to court.

If she’s withholding contact for “no reason”, then the way to resolve it is to go to court.

If your DP chooses not to do this, he is effectively choosing not to see his child.

When his child is older, I’m sure they will be very sad to realise that he chose not to see them; I guarantee if someone had stolen his car he’d be more proactive at getting it back 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, of course there will be some women who frustrate contact.

But it’s too often the case that women are on here trying to solve men’s problems in this area. He needs to do that himself and take ownership of the issues with his child. Is he as upset and confused and looking for help to foster the half sibling relationship, as you are? That’s the real question.

It may be that his ex is a horrible piece of work but he needs to try and move beyond that and find a legal solution. It sounds a bit like you’re trying to persuade him to take action. Which is a hiding to nothing and actually plays into the trope that it’s women’s job to sort out relationships and difficult family issues. It’s his issue. He should be incandescent with rage.

I grew up feeling damaged, unlovable and confused how my dad never bothered.
In truth he did bother to a degree but gave up.
It didn't make any difference to me, he might as well have not triednas what I wanted was actually seeing him regularly, him engaging with me and being in my life.

Unfortunately it's the type of situation where you don't get points for trying.

How old is his daughter and how often was he seeing her? Both have an impact on what she’s able to remember and how much agency she has in seeing her father.

Depending on how old your daughter is DSD may feel her dad had another child and then stopped bothering with her which I imagine is and would continue to be a source of huge pain to her.

I would never believe what dads say when they say the mum is so bitter and keeps them from their children ‘for no reason’. My son’s dad done this, played victim and I was villainised. He failed to tell people I fled dv when pregnant and it was the police, social services, health visitors and medical professionals who told me to stop contact for my baby’s safety. But if you heard his side of the story, I was this bitter jealous baby mum and he was the best dad in the world just wanting to see his child.

two sides to every story.

Surely if she is a psycho then he needs to go to court to get them away from her to protect them??

never understand men saying ex is a psycho but then leaving the kids with her.

Well they must be perfect men or women would not be so desperate to have a child with them then keep on having them with the 'perfect' men, if my mum stopped me seeing my dad when they divorced I would be asking her why on earth she a had a child with him if he was so bad in the first place and no the 'there were no red flags' line would not work

never understand men saying ex is a psycho but then leaving the kids with her.

Definitely this. The mum being a psycho is even more of a reason to fight to see your child. If you leave your child to be cared for by a psycho then you’re an unfit parent.

And you're 100% certain this man would step up and make an effort for the child he has with you?

On the evidence of how little he's prepared to fight for the child he has with her?

You have a wet lettuce there.

OP, no one is going to just take your word for it. Unless you share further detail that explains exactly why your DP refuses to go to court, this thread will continue to go this way.

Admittedly, my abusive ex and his batshit crazy girlfriend have told everyone (including me) that I am abusive and deranged, so I am suspicious of claims about crazy exes.

(In my case, my ex strangled our child and one of my worse offenses in their eyes is believing my child - but my expensive solicitors rinsed me while making me understand that virtually nothing would stop a court from handing 50% custody to a father, including this type of life-threatening abuse. So I find your DP's failure to act suspicious.)

Sometimes people who grow up with abuse can't see it in their own relationships until it's too late.

I have never forgiven my father for not fighting more for a relationship with me. I couldn't fight for it. I was a child.
I understand perfectly well that he didn't want to be with my mother. I couldn't understand at the time that he left me with her. He didn't go to court. I never understood. I know my mother was difficult. I was in it every single day.
When he wanted to see me I refused. It was too complicated. I had my own family, a husband, young children and a full time job. He was very keen on his grandchildren and wanting to revive the relationship. I couldn't do it. I felt awful but I couldn't. I still can't even I know it's soon too late.

I ended up having no contact with my biological parents. And I consider their childish behaviour to be the main reason.

If she's a psychopath the child is in danger. He needs to go to court and social services.

I too am a mentally unwell, crazy ex. My ex actually said this in court when I brought him there in order to get him to pay maintenance. I also went to court in order to try to get him to abide by an access agreement so my children were not let down by his various no shows and changing arrangements. He stuck to this for a while before deciding to vanish into the ether and hasn't paid maintenance or contacted his children in years.
I can tell you how my children feel about it. They think their father is a worthless, unethical excuse of a human who walked away from his own children. Who did nothing to maintain any relationship with them. They're hurt. They're confused. Why did he do that? Why didn't he just try? How could he walk away from being a father?
By not fighting, by not going to court, by falling back on the crazy ex trope that's exactly what he could be facing. It doesn't matter if she's crazy. He goes to court and gets an access order.

There are no reasons whatsoever more important than going to court if he really really wants to see his child. Sadly it's nothing to do with you and actually shows you what kind of father he isn't if he doesn't fight for visitation. No excuses or exes excuses the court decides if you want it so bad. Yes it's sad the kids don't see each other but that's down to your partner doing nothing

But surely that’s even more reason to get his child away from her, and go to court to do that?

I was never happy about not being allowed to see my father. He died when I was 18, so I never really got the chance to get to know him. Even if he was horrible, I'd have rather found that out from myself instead of spending a lifetime with unanswered questions.

He has a good chance of getting some custody if there's a sibling involved. But I do understand that bringing the court into things brings its own problems.

Has he always been interested in seeing his kids or only now he has you to convince he's a great dad?

Having supported women who have been through D V as a volunteer, I lost count of how many were dealing with deadbeats who would reappear with a new woman on the scene prepared to do all the court admin and t he parenting

beware of men with "crazy exes"

Mum kept me from my Dad when he was drinking. He was never violent when drunk, but he was irresponsible. Left me asleep in the pub under a pile of coats and shit like that. I am glad she did, because while we can look back and laugh now, he definitely was in no fit state to care for me. Also he stopped drinking because he wanted to see his kids so I guess it worked out well in the end. I don’t blame my Mum now, but when I was a kid and she said no seeing Dad I used to scream and say I hated her and kick off and run to the pub to find him.

Your DP needs to sort it out and take her to court tho, stop pissing about. He is the one missing out on his daughters life at the end of the day.

Me!

When I was younger me and my brothers got caught up in our parents divorce. My mum went ballistic when my dad remarried. When they split, we saw my dad on weekends. As soon as he got a girlfriend my mum stopped us from seeing him. My dad took my mum to court but my mum made up lies - got me and my brother to lie and walk out of the court (she said we would never see her again if we didn’t) so the court removed custody from my dad. My mum wanted us to have zero contact.

I met my dad for the first time in almost 25 years last year. He has 4 more children - he is in their lives. He seems like a nice man although I’m not keen on his religious choices. But after the divorce me and my mum have never ever been the same. I blamed her for a long time. In my mid 20s I forgave her and accepted she did what she thought was best (as twisted as it was).

My life has been alright but sometimes I feel sad that my dad is in his mid 60s and I’ve missed so much time with him. I don’t blame him as I know he has tried. But I think these situations are horrible for us as kids and it’s so hard to process all of it until you are old enough to get it (for me anyway).

I want to add that I have a DD, her dad who is my ex was absolutly awful! Financially abusive, always high and never stuck to his word. She knows that he is terrible and I do not trust him to be with my DD, however when he was decent, I never would have stopped him seeing his child. It’s so important for me that my DD has enough information to know that he isn’t a decent person, as opposed to me blocking their relationship. I hope she doesn’t resent me, but we touch base on it regularly.

I'm sorry you went through that.

I hope you don't think I'm overstepping but I do recommend making sure to also make sure your DD knows some good and interesting things about him. My mum believes that she didn't slag off my dad to me, but she did. I don't recall her ever saying anything positive about him. It really impacted my self confidence as I grew older because I was worried sick that I was also a terrible person. I never spoke to my mum about this either. It was a private worry of mine that lasted into adulthood. I still have the odd moment of very low self esteem because of it.

I think you’re thinking of it the wrong way. If she’s this toxic your DH needs to be doing more to build that relationship, as his daughter is at risk.

My mum is awful - she made it hard for DF to visit once they split up, and around the age of 7 left because it was easier than going through court etc (and truthfully because he was afraid he’d get us full time and he didn’t want that) ~ came back into our lives when we were adults and although I’m trying to build a relationship I still haven’t forgiven him for it. He 100% picked convenience over what was best for his children. And that’s what it is, convenience. Kindly, she’s not ‘stopping him’ ~ he has a right to see his daughter and has every capability, as an adult, to go to court and make that happen. By choosing to go along with what the ex ‘wants’ he’s opting out of parenting and taking the easy way out. Parenting is HARD, you’re supposed to make the right decisions for your child regardless. That is 100% how I see it looking back and probably how his daughter will see it when she grows up too.

It also leads to a very fucked up perception of family dynamics for her later on in life, assuming you can just walk away from a child if things aren’t easy. It took me a long time (and plenty of therapy) to understand actually my dad had an obligation to be around, which he failed. My mum ‘getting in the way’ was just an excuse.