Did anyone’s Mother stop you seeing your father? If so, how do you feel about it now?

[andanotherproblem]

My DP’s ex has always been really difficult, controlling and demanding, she stops contact for the silliest of things and even just if she’s having a bad day. She has always been very jealous and bitter of our relationship, especially now we have a DD. DP hasn’t seen his daughter for almost 4 months, not for lack of trying, she will not let him, I’ve told him numerous times to go to court, he is so deflated with being told no all the time, he keeps saying he will eventually take her to court but I don’t think he will. This annoys me as I want our DD to have a relationship with her sibling, the ex pretty much says our DD isn’t important as she isn’t a full sibling. I’m wondering, has anyone’s mother stopped them seeing their father and if so, once you got older and learned the truth, how did you feel? Were you annoyed your dad didn’t try harder or were you more angry at your mum?

My husbands ex is doing this. But we are going to court. Because it seems to be the only option left.

I hope you get the answers you’re after x

The problem with this is, if you're a vaguely halfway decent human and parent, who genuinely thinks their child is full time with a psycho, you'd do something about it. You'd try to get custody of the child. You would have stayed, in order to protect them.

The very fact that these men are happy to leave their children with these apparently awful psychotic women shows that they don't think they're terrible at all. Or they don't care if they are.

My niece was prevented from having a relationship with her father. It didn’t seem to bother her at all during her childhood. When she became an adult and against her mother’s wishes, she decided to track him down. They met, he asked her for money. She didn’t see him again.

DC was stopped from seeing me by my ExH a few years ago, it's a long story as to why but basically he's abusive, I made a very very minor mistake (think forgetting to pack a jumper with school logo on trip day or similar, which school fixed easily but ExH said I was an awful mother and stopped DC seeing me) which even the court scoffed at being the reason because it was literally a one off that happens very very occasionally and any and all parents make similar minor mistakes everyday with literally no ill effect on their DC (words of the judge!).

DC hates ExH, he threatened to take them out of their school and all sorts.

DC has said when they're old enough to decide for themselves they will not be seeing ExH at all purely based on that situation. They do still have to see ExH now though! Which DC hates.

My mum didn’t exactly stop it but she didn’t make it happen when I was too young to arrange it myself. She never bad mouthed him though, she just didn’t tell me anything about him.
When I grew up I got to know him and it wasn’t great. He was nothing like the man I built up in my head. Would it have been easier to know this earlier? I’m not sure…
Part of me feels it’s easier to just know your dad isn’t great, because you can think about your genes and understand your own identity better. For me, I wish I’d had understood more about impulse control, addictive personality, being fired, struggles with education which I have 99% inherited from him. My DD also has some additional needs which I feel are probably from his gene pool (as he has a learning disability and probably dsylexia as well). My ethnicity, again it would have been good to know I was mixed race, to understand myself better and it’s hard when you don’t know whether to be screened for sickle cell or not or whether you have different hereditary conditions etc. There’s a lot of ‘I don’t know’ on my medical history.

If he's not going to court, the odds are it's because of what would come out in court that you would learn about. You would be exposed to her side of the story in a way that he does not want you to be. You would learn things about their relationship that would change how you view him.

If the ex is psycho then I'm surprised your h doesn't fight tooth and nail to protect his daughter.

Perhaps there are some things he's not telling you. And really doesn't want you to know.

Just a thought.

my mum didn't actually prevent us from seeing my dad but she dripped such poison about him that none of us four dcs bothered with him for two years. Broke his heart.

As an adult, I see how wrong it was of my mum to do that and how my dad had not done anything to warrant such treatment.

However, we repaired bridges.

My mum never outright told me I couldn’t see him. But in the years that followed their split, she regaled me with blow by blow accounts of their arguments, constantly with the angle of “see what an awful person your dad is…”, conveniently omitting any of her own part in the events. She painted a picture of someone who didn’t love me, didn’t want me, didn’t care about me and that she was the saviour in the situation. Eventually, I said I didn’t want to see him anymore. It would be a clear cut case of parental alienation now. She did similar things with other family members over the years.
My dad did fight through the courts, but faced with a child who repeatedly stated she didn’t want to see him, there wasn’t much the courts could actually do.
I will never forgive her for it. In her efforts to get back at him and convince us all what a bastard he was, she destroyed our own self worth. Because when a child thinks their parent doesn’t love them, they don’t blame the parent, they internalise it as them being inherently unloveable.
I have vowed my children wouldn’t be put through the same thing and have made sure I have not so much as even uttered a bad word about their dad in the aftermath of our split. We have co parented amicably for years.

Sorry but this. I'm in my early 30s
I still cry some nights, about how he could just up and leave and didn't try.
Worst thing is, he has an older daughter and has constant contact with her.

People are answering your questions? I'd say his daughter will be resentful of both of her parents if nothing changes.

My mum didn't stop contact, but she stopped making the effort to facilitate it because it was disruptive. He'd promise to collect me, she wouldn't make other plans then he wouldn't turn up. Eventually, I asked not to go anyway. I was 6.

I have no negative feelings towards my DM for this. In her shoes, I'd have fought to prevent contact - he was a vile person and my life is infinitely better for not having him in it.

I definitely have abandonment issues though. Constantly strive to please everyone else to my own detriment because I wasn't worth the effort for my biological father.

How can it make things worse? He's not seen the child for months with no prospect of seeing her in the near future, can't get much worse than that.

Him not going to court gives you a different answer to your question though. The child likely will feel resentment towards her Dad because he's not doing everything he can to see her, particularly if her mother is a 'psycho'.

My Mum stopped us seeing our Dad. We are all no contact with her now, not solely because of that, but parents who stop their children seeing the other parent for no good reason are selfish and controlling in other ways too.

I have a good relationship with my Dad, but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't if he hadn't bothered.

My mum and others like her tell the kids that their Dad doesn't care about them, your DPs actions (or lack of) are reinforcing that, so she may grow up to be close to her mother and not your DP.

You’re right, going to court and fighting for the right to see your child is hard, very hard. Parenting your own child is also hard.

Many men, when faced with two scenarios:

A) go to court and parent their own child (hard option)

or B) don’t go to court and don’t parent their own child (easy option)

pick option B, because it IS the easier option, you’re correct in stating that @HowardTJMoon

Sure, if real life was that simplistic and binary then I'd agree with you but unfortunately reality isn't always that straight forward. Option A has absolutely no guarantee of having "parent their own child" as the outcome. It might just make her dig her heels in even harder because then it becomes a win/lose situation and she'll be damned if she's going to "lose".

As I said, if it was me I'd probably go to court. But I do have at least a bit of sympathy for someone who's dealing with an abusive ex and struggling to find the least-worst option.

I'm haven't been the child in this situation.

As a mother I have prevented my ex from having access to my children. He has not fought me on it, or tried to take me to Court. He could, and would probably get some sort of access, but he has not bothered. As he is now a registered sex offender and paedophile, I'm happy with this approach and as my children get older I can explain I have done what I thought was in their best interests to keep them safe - hopefully they will understand. I can see similar parents taking a similar position where there has been violence etc...

However, I have had to deal with the aftermath of this with young children feeling abandoned by their father - they are still young so know some limited details but they will obviously have to be told more details as they get older. They are hurt and angry even now. They blame themselves - they feel that if they were better he would not have done what he did and would see them. They are angry he chose to do what he did rather than fight for them.

I cannot see them wanting any form of relationship with him - there maybe some curiosity, and they may decide they want to meet him when they are older, but I suspect not. It is such a complicated and devasting trauma for young children to be abandoned.

Taking away the good reason I feel I have, the abandonment trauma would still be there. And I suspect both children would blame both parents - however the resident parent would be the only parent figure they know and there would likely be such a strong bond there that the absent parent would get the majority of the blame for not fighting. And to be honest, I cannot see a reason why a parent would not fight tooth and nail to try and get access.

I have seen this both personally and professionally from the other side too, and know fathers that have taken mothers to court when they have been denied access for no reason at all. Contact is usually ordered in the end. Yes, its stressful, expensive and a truly awful, intrusive process - but there is nothing I wouldn't do for my children.

OP - you are getting a lot of people focusing on why your husband doesn't fight for access. You claim he has his reasons for why he doesn't, although I get the impression even you feel they are weak. Based on my experience, I'd say the children will blame your DH for not fighting for them. Because lets face it, what good reason could he possibly have that the children could understand/agree with ? It may well be that the mother is a "psycho" - but surely then it is even more important he formalises some sort of contact order and enforces it, in order to safeguard the children from her and protect his own relationship with them.

It's an interesting question and I wish more people would focus on what you are asking.

We fought tooth and nail to spend time with SD when she was younger- her Mum never outright stopped contact but she limited it as much as she could and clearly saw it as worthless and unnecessary. She thought nothing of cancelling at short notice because she felt like doing something else.

As SD got older she started to just go along with what her Mum wanted (she's a very strong personality and SD is very passive) and it felt like we were battling both of them to get her to visit.

In the end, we moved away (there's a lot of reasons we didn't really have a choice in this, but by this time we weren't seeing much of SD anyway) and she visits in the holidays. She knows that she can come and live with us if she wants at any time.

My Mum always said she didn't know why we did it and fighting with her Mum to get time with SD was probably more stressful for SD than just leaving her with her Mum and stepdad, which was what her Mum wanted. She said that she would have found us at 18 and we could have said that her Mum made it too difficult to see her. But how could you ever forgive your father for walking away from you like that, or make up for missing your whole childhood?

I also know people who did everything and spent their life savings on court and still didn't see their children.

It's a balance I think, it's probably not in anyone's best interests to ruin your life to see your children if the other parent is hellbent on stopping you, but it doesn't sound as though your DP is anywhere near that point yet.

To do this for no good reason is disgusting.
The partner has left you not the children.
Hope it backfires on these people in later life, who did this
Separate your emotions.

This attitude is absolutely not thinking of the child first or being a good parent. Good parents do everything for their children and don’t give up because it’s hard…

good parents don’t give up in the face of adversity…

nobody is saying court is easy or that it magically produces good results… but it shows the child you live them and are trying and it will be better than nothing ….

Exactly this. And it’s a sadness that never really goes, even if you manage to build any sort of adult relationship. It stings to hear that dad didn’t have time or inclination to try and fight

@Thronglet thanks for sharing.

Me and my daughter are pretty close and when she was younger she actually said to me “am I a bad person because my dad is a bad person” - and that’s when I realised she was internalising her dads behaviour as something she carries, which sounds similar to what you have mentioned - and it’s super interesting hearing this from an adult.

I sadly have had to completely cut communication with her dad as he was very manipulative, but every now and then I do share a funny story, or if a song comes on that I know he liked I’ll mention it, as regardless of everything we have been through there was a time where we were on good terms and if he wasn’t abusive, he would actually be a pretty nice guy. I tell her that he dad is a good person, but has made bad decisions. I remind her that she isn’t me and she isn’t her dad, she is her own person - but your comment has reminded me to check in with her.

But also, she has seen it for herself sadly. He has promised to do stuff or pick her up or take her and never shows up. He promises to call her and never does. And she found his social media and it’s awful!!

So whilst I am doing my part - he really really isn’t doing his part to at least appear like a decent person - and I don’t know how to “fix” that.

I could not think of dating a man who was this pathetic. And I woukd have contempt for a father who did not fight to see me.

I don't think you can fix it. You know, it's his behaviour and no one is in control of that, but him.

Aw, your poor DD. That is exactly how I felt as a child. Those little positive or interesting stories are such a balm for her anxiety. It's proof for her that she's not bad by proxy.

There seems to be a weird belief on this thread that all he needs to do is pay a few hundred quid to go to court and then everything will be settled and his ex will instantly handover the child at every mandated time.

No one has said that *(unless I've missed it). It's a long, drawn out process that can cost thousands. But you can get an interim order pretty quickly.

Yes, they still might not end up 'handing over' the child. In some cases (as it should be), the RP will get into trouble. In others, the RP is clever and can make excuses or use parental alienation.

But saying 'well, we didn't try because we THOUGHT it might not work out, isn't an excuse.

You try everything and be realistic that it may not go how you want it to. But that child will ALWAYS know you tried your best.

Pretty depressing thread and something my relative is experiencing now. Mother runs off with kids to live with new boyfriend. Doesn't ask permission to take kids, then throws in some false DV allegations to support her cause. Relative spends 15k in family court so far trying to have contact with kids having been 6 months no contact, whilst mother has legal aid and tries to make it a long drawn out process to financially squeeze the dad. Been quoted an extra 25/30k for rest of the upcoming legal fees. Some dads walk away because they can't afford to fight and some women play the system. It's a completely unfair and biased system. That's a father who hasn't had chance to say goodbye to their kids, who hasn't seen or heard from them for 6 months. Meanwhile mother can say/do as she pleases without consequence. No idea what she told the children. But i can tell you all of her decision making has been about her new boyfriend and not about her kids well being.