My DH has a favourite child..

[Rubesandme]

both in our early 60s and have 4 children.

DD 35, no kids
DS. 37, 1 child
DS. 40, 4 kids
DD 43, 2 kids

Apart from youngest, all have partners and all get on reasonably well.

We are very comfortably off and have been thinking about taking all the kids and GC abroad next summer all together, just something we would like to do and fortunately are in a position to fund.

However, there have been so many problems including everyone getting the same week off work, some not being happy to take kids out of school (understandably) different schools with different half term weeks etc… it’s becoming clear that it’s a non starter and it’s probably not going to happen.

my DH has now suggested that we just give the kids some money to go on their own holidays, not what I really want but I’m open to the idea.

however, and here is my problem, my DH has suggested giving DS 40 (4 kids) more than the other 3 as he has more children and it will cost him more. I should also point out that DS 40 is his favourite (not that he would ever admit it) they have a lot of common interests and talk daily, whereas not so much with the rest.

I'm a bit thrown, in my eyes each child should recieve the same. So AIBU or is he?

Your DH is correct. If the idea is to give them all a holiday then the amount of money given should vary based on what their costs would be.

It would cost you more to take 6 people than one so why wouldn’t you offer the same to that person?

As the non favourite child I would urge your husband to treat to all his children equally. My relationship with my mother and sibling were irreparably damaged by her favouritism and my sibling’s happy acceptance of the situation.

You could give a certain amount per child (enough for a couple to take a few days holiday) and a certain amount per grandchild.
So if you gave 500 pounds for each of your kids so they can go somewhere as a couple, you could add on 100 pounds for each grandchild. So yes, the family for 4 kids would get a larger sum but hopefully everyone would get a similar standard of holiday as a present. If you do this you should tell your kids exactly what the plan is and why - the same amount for each of them and the same smaller amount for each grandchild.

Youngest should still get the same amount as the coupled children so that she can choose to go with a friend or new partner she hasn’t introduced yet.

You paying for them each to have a family holiday is not what you want and is clearly going to raise issues in terms of how much gets spent on each.

It isn’t just number of children. What happens if one child wants a more expensive sort of holiday than another… one is happy to save costs by sharing a room with their kids but another isn’t… one doesn’t have kids or a partner, are they supposed to go alone, or will you pay for a friend?

In your shoes I would plan the big holiday for 2026 instead. Or do a long weekend this year sometime.

Ah sorry see you were trying for 2026… 2027?

Why don’t you go in the summer holidays?

That is ridiculous you don't pay for non existent people

If you’re looking for next summer how does half term weeks have any impact? Surely everyone gets the same 6 weeks off?

If what you really want is to enjoy a holiday with your family, why not try for a more fluid approach. Rent a place that’s big enough for everyone and that’s fairly easily accessible for all (Spain? Nice house in France with a pool?) for, say, two weeks in the school hols. Choose dates that work for most. People can then come for a week, a few days, a long weekend, whatever they can manage, and you’ll get to see your family - some all together, some one-on-one.

If you want to finance your DC's holidays then yes, your DH is right, DS 40 should get more since it will cost him more with 4 children.

I think I agree that strangers shouldn't necessarily be funded.

However I do think it might be worth factoring in the "single persons tax". I.e. it costs less, per person, for a couple to stay somewhere than for a single person to do so. So I might consider contributing something like 1.5 x the cost of the other adults, presuming that DD would be holidaying alone.

It’s really not.
It costs more to go on holiday as a single person than it does as a couple. It’s also not that fun.
What I’m proposing is that each of the OP’s 4 children is allocated the same amount of money as a gift, with the expectation that it would be spent on a holiday. The children’s partners will benefit too since they are presumably going to be included in the holiday - or in the case of the youngest, a partner or friend of her choosing, even if they haven’t met her parents yet. The each grandchild also receives a monetary gift towards a holiday. Each child gets the same gift and each grandchild gets the same (smaller) gift.

I think you need to separate the holiday issue from your belief your DH has a favourite. It makes perfect sense, if you want to buy each child a holiday, that the child with the larger family would be given more so they can afford the holiday. I wouldn’t feel hard done by if my parents did that for my brother who has a child. Does he otherwise show favouritism? If not, I don’t think this is a problem. Talking every day with an adult child you share a lot of interests with isn’t favouritism: the others could phone just as often but presumably choose not to.

What you want is a family holiday with your kids. So I agree with the approach suggested above. Take somewhere for two weeks and let them come at different times for whatever length suits them - a week, a weekend.

I think it’s perfectly fine to have a favourite child once they are all fully grown adults, moved out with their own families.
If you’ve got for kids, your going to have more in common and get on with one more than the others. It’s about friendship more than parenting at this point.

but I don’t think thats the issue, he’s not saying let’s give ds(40) the most because he’s likes golf like I do but because he has the most children and so an equal holiday will cost him the most.
give x per child and y per grandchild.

But a lot of people don't like holidaying alone and even if she does it usually costs a lot more than half the price of doing it as a couple.

It would make sense for me to give more money for a holiday to a family of 6 than to a family of 2 or 3.

That your DH gets on better with one of his children than the others isn't really unusual, just as we get on better with some people than others.

For him to be able to have the same type of holiday as everyone else, then he would need more money.

But it opens a can of works because does your DD with no kids get less than everyone else?

I think giving them the equivalent of what you would have paid for a holiday is fair. Or giving a bigger family more because there's more of them.
However I can see why this would annoy you if your DH has got previous for treating them differently and having a favourite. I completely disagree with a pp that it's perfectly fine to have favourites once they grow up.
It's really not.

If you were funding it, and all going together, would each sibling for arguments sake receive one lodge (with same dimensions, and rooms), or would the one with 4 kids get a larger lodge than the one with no kids?

There's your answer. You are funding it, you're just not all going together.

To save arguments, buy the holidays yourself sp no one gets to know the actual monies.

If you've used the real ages and sexes of your children then your post is very identifiable. You might want to remove it or change the details.

That does seem a great idea, if possible.

Brilliant idea.