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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DH has a favourite child..

65 replies

Rubesandme · 29/04/2025 19:25

both in our early 60s and have 4 children.

DD 35, no kids
DS. 37, 1 child
DS. 40, 4 kids
DD 43, 2 kids

Apart from youngest, all have partners and all get on reasonably well.

We are very comfortably off and have been thinking about taking all the kids and GC abroad next summer all together, just something we would like to do and fortunately are in a position to fund.

However, there have been so many problems including everyone getting the same week off work, some not being happy to take kids out of school (understandably) different schools with different half term weeks etc… it’s becoming clear that it’s a non starter and it’s probably not going to happen.

my DH has now suggested that we just give the kids some money to go on their own holidays, not what I really want but I’m open to the idea.

however, and here is my problem, my DH has suggested giving DS 40 (4 kids) more than the other 3 as he has more children and it will cost him more. I should also point out that DS 40 is his favourite (not that he would ever admit it) they have a lot of common interests and talk daily, whereas not so much with the rest.

I'm a bit thrown, in my eyes each child should recieve the same. So AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
IAmTheLogLady · 29/04/2025 21:26

Whoops meant to quote @LadyRoughDiamond . Blush

DoYouReally · 29/04/2025 21:28

As the sibling with no children, this would be my idea of hell, I would only like to go for 3 days max despite loving my family a lot.

I suspect there's also a spouse or two who might not be as excited about the idea too.

Would you consider seperate breaks with each of them or even two of your children at a time...for example, go somewhere for July and each family joins you at a different time thst month that suits.

purrrge · 29/04/2025 21:32

My parents would do what your DH proposes, my ILs would do what you propose. My ILs are sanctimonious as hell and would be so annoying about it that I wouldn't even want to go in the end, even if they weren't attending. My parents would do it graciously and although I wouldn't get the most I'd be fine with it.

IAmTheLogLady · 29/04/2025 21:36

purrrge · 29/04/2025 21:32

My parents would do what your DH proposes, my ILs would do what you propose. My ILs are sanctimonious as hell and would be so annoying about it that I wouldn't even want to go in the end, even if they weren't attending. My parents would do it graciously and although I wouldn't get the most I'd be fine with it.

I've got the least amount of dc between my siblings too and it really wouldn't bother me if they got more money either.

Hankunamatata · 29/04/2025 21:37

Give the money per person - what it would have cost eqch family for them to book to go away.

Namerequired · 29/04/2025 21:44

It’s not as simple as numbers either though. Teenager costs as much as adults and will likely need their own room, where small kids are cheaper (sometimes free) and can share with their parents. Some holidays cost more than others etc.
I think they should all be given the same, just something towards their holiday. You could give each grandchild some spending money.

MrsPeterHarris · 29/04/2025 21:48

PetrovaRabbit · 29/04/2025 19:35

You could give a certain amount per child (enough for a couple to take a few days holiday) and a certain amount per grandchild.
So if you gave 500 pounds for each of your kids so they can go somewhere as a couple, you could add on 100 pounds for each grandchild. So yes, the family for 4 kids would get a larger sum but hopefully everyone would get a similar standard of holiday as a present. If you do this you should tell your kids exactly what the plan is and why - the same amount for each of them and the same smaller amount for each grandchild.

This is a good idea! Whatever you do, be up front about it as secrecy / deceit will make it worse.

Burntt · 29/04/2025 21:48

Book a holiday home for a couple weeks or so spanning all the half terms. Kids come stay in shifts with their various sized families. They all get a holiday although not together but you get to enjoy an extra long holiday that includes all kids.

you know which child is the favourite and your kids will know too. If you act like you agree with your husband your own relationship with your kids will suffer. My parents hero worship my brother, my dad was always in contact with him. Mum always pushed for us being treated equally but really meant the non favourite kids as she never objected when dad gave more to eldest son. Dad died. Brother does not bother with mother who is now lonely, unfortunately her daughters don’t feel close to her after years of clear preference for her son don’t see why they should fill the gap the ungrateful golden child has left by stepping back.

just side step the issue. Don’t give anyone money or try work out what’s fair just book a holiday home big enough for them to come in shifts and as you want spend time with them as that’s more important than dividing money and causing upset no matter how you slice it

VexedofVirginiaWater · 29/04/2025 21:53

Don't know what to think really - I know it is specifically for a holiday, but it doesn't feel right that your oldest DS gets given more because he has chosen to have more children (so far) than the others. I have been on both sides of this - as the parent and as the child, not for holidays certainly, but for money generally, and I still think equal treatment is the only way not to cause resentments.

Lavender14 · 29/04/2025 21:56

PetrovaRabbit · 29/04/2025 19:35

You could give a certain amount per child (enough for a couple to take a few days holiday) and a certain amount per grandchild.
So if you gave 500 pounds for each of your kids so they can go somewhere as a couple, you could add on 100 pounds for each grandchild. So yes, the family for 4 kids would get a larger sum but hopefully everyone would get a similar standard of holiday as a present. If you do this you should tell your kids exactly what the plan is and why - the same amount for each of them and the same smaller amount for each grandchild.

^ this makes the most sense to me.

Or you scrap the idea and do a long weekend somewhere localish instead - might be more realistic and kids only missing a day off school or joining later that evening?

CurlyCabbage · 29/04/2025 22:14

you can have one you get on with more due to shared interests and similar temperaments. I see nothing wrong with that. Doesn't mean you love them more. No need to be labelling as a favourite. Seems a bit juvenile. Course it will cost more for the one with 4 kids and you want to pay for their holiday so you will have to pay them more. A non issue

caringcarer · 30/04/2025 02:25

Your DH is not being unreasonable. Of course it would cost more to take 4 DC on holiday than just a single person going. If they were all going with you you would be paying more for 6 people than 1. I'd pay the single person for 2 so they can take someone with them, then a holiday for 6, a holiday for 4 and a holiday for 3. Look at how much a holiday to somewhere would cost for those groupings and then pay them that amount. You could ask them when they wanted to go then book it for them.

HoppingPavlova · 30/04/2025 02:30

You want to shout your kids a holiday, but give the same amount to 1 person to cover 1/2 people (don’t know if they are partnered), as you give to another person to cover 6 people? That’s madness if the intent is to shout a holiday. It should be paid on a per head basis to each family member unless you want all your kids to go on a solo holiday away from their families???

paranoiaofpufflings · 30/04/2025 02:32

Is he also suggesting giving youngest significantly less because of the lack of partner and kids, or less to son with one child than the daughter with two? No. The fairest way is to give them all the same amount and how they spend it is up to them.

Coming back to your original idea: it’s a non-starter to get all four and their kids together at the same time. But could you achieve part of the aim by taking two separate holidays? Two kids and their kids on each trip? That way you get the family time you wanted, albeit segregated a little.

caringcarer · 30/04/2025 02:37

I have a holiday home in France with 7 bedrooms. I have a DD, sil.and 2dgc, and 2 DS's with no DC. Each year I offer them all to come to visit me in France and I'll pay for the ferry fair and all food on holiday so basically it would just cost them spending money. This year DD, sil and 2 dgc are choosing to come but neither of my 2 DS's are. I certainly won't be offering my DS's a cash equivalent. Other years 1 or other of DS's have chosen to come but not DD, sil or DGC. Some years one of my sister's and nieces have come for a couple of weeks. I've treated my younger DSis and niece because she wasn't very well off.

Pandimoanymum · 30/04/2025 02:42

financialmuddle · 29/04/2025 21:22

That does seem a great idea, if possible.

Show quote history

This is a great idea.

urbanbuddha · 30/04/2025 02:44

LadyRoughDiamond · 29/04/2025 20:15

If what you really want is to enjoy a holiday with your family, why not try for a more fluid approach. Rent a place that’s big enough for everyone and that’s fairly easily accessible for all (Spain? Nice house in France with a pool?) for, say, two weeks in the school hols. Choose dates that work for most. People can then come for a week, a few days, a long weekend, whatever they can manage, and you’ll get to see your family - some all together, some one-on-one.

This sounds good.

McSpoot · 30/04/2025 02:46

If you'd done your initial plan (paying to take everyone), the child with the largest family would have cost you more, so I understand where your husband is coming from.

However, it doesn't make sense to give that child more because of his four kids but give everyone else the same amount (even though some have more kids than others). Either everyone gets the same or there is X amount per kid plus Y amount per child and/or partner (or perhaps Y per child and Z per partner).

fairlygoodmother · 30/04/2025 03:14

I think I'd agree with you that giving them all money for a holiday isn't really achieving what you want, which is presumably to have some time away with your children and grandchildren.

Would it be feasible to rent a big house somewhere for 2-3 weeks, then invite all the families to come out and join you when it's convenient for them?

Edited: I see someone already suggested that...

Scratchingaroundinthesameoldhole · 30/04/2025 04:28

Is this about much more than the holiday OP? The title suggests so

Re the holiday, id go with booking somewhere for a chunk of time and people can come and go for short or long times. Everyone will be happy with that flexibility.

If dh genuinely has a favourite (also a least favourite?) then you've got bigger issues.

Purpleturtle43 · 30/04/2025 04:59

If the money is specifically for a holiday then I agree with your husband it should be per person since that's how holidays prices are calculated.

Could you not just take everyone away for a weekend instead?

notsureyetcertain · 30/04/2025 05:50

Book a large villa in Spain or France for two/three weeks in august. Give everyone flight money and they come for a week, two week , a few days. Whatever suits.

it’s totally understandable about term time the fines are £160 per child.

Or give a pp amount so say £1000 per adult (including partners) and £500 per child . You could give extra to single dd so she can take a friend.

But I agree with your dh giving the same amount to a family of six as to a single person seems grossly unfair.

JoyousEagle · 30/04/2025 06:10

I can see where he’s coming from because if you took them all away as originally planned, it would cost you more for the larger families. So if this money is sort of in lieu of taking them away, then I see his point.
I see your point as well though. But I think you can argue it either way.

TaggieO · 30/04/2025 06:21

It’s equality vs equity, isn’t it. Giving them all the same would be equal, but it wouldn’t have the same outcome. If you want it to be fair then you fund the same holiday for each of your children. That would cost your DS with 4 children far more than your single DD.

RickiRaccoon · 30/04/2025 06:22

I think it makes sense to recognise the size of a family in a financial gift. In a way you're just giving to your grandkids as well as your kids.

However, it is quite different to give them money for a holiday in lieu of enjoying a holiday together as a family. As others have suggested, I'd organise a longer casual holiday somewhere nearby for people to come as they can or maybe a couple of different dates with an open invite for those that can make it.