My DH has a favourite child..

[Rubesandme]

both in our early 60s and have 4 children.

DD 35, no kids
DS. 37, 1 child
DS. 40, 4 kids
DD 43, 2 kids

Apart from youngest, all have partners and all get on reasonably well.

We are very comfortably off and have been thinking about taking all the kids and GC abroad next summer all together, just something we would like to do and fortunately are in a position to fund.

However, there have been so many problems including everyone getting the same week off work, some not being happy to take kids out of school (understandably) different schools with different half term weeks etc… it’s becoming clear that it’s a non starter and it’s probably not going to happen.

my DH has now suggested that we just give the kids some money to go on their own holidays, not what I really want but I’m open to the idea.

however, and here is my problem, my DH has suggested giving DS 40 (4 kids) more than the other 3 as he has more children and it will cost him more. I should also point out that DS 40 is his favourite (not that he would ever admit it) they have a lot of common interests and talk daily, whereas not so much with the rest.

I'm a bit thrown, in my eyes each child should recieve the same. So AIBU or is he?

A good compromise would be give them all the same amount per head/person.

so your eldest would get 6x amount etc.

then they could all book the exact same holiday for their individual families, if you see what I mean.

also I suppose I see what you mean if they were going to book a villa - but then they’d still have to buy flights for everyone.

if you do it, make it really clear the reasoning for WHY you are giving differing amounts ie to make it equitable

Don't give them cash, pay for their holiday. They can choose where they're going (within reason obviously) and you pay the bill. It will cost more for 5 people to go on holiday than 1 person so yes it will cost more to send your DSs family than others.

You're not gifting cash, the intention was to gift a holiday.

I think this is the approach I would take.
We have done this in my family before. Parents hired a villa for 6 weeks (in February!) and we all came and went as we could. It was brilliant.

Had you managed to go away would you have given those children with fewer children money to make up the difference in the cost of their holiday?

To me the point of all going away together isn’t just the free holiday anyway, it’s the family time. I’d try for a summer holiday in 2026 or even 2027.

I think its reasonable to give
X per adult x per child.
£2k per adult, £1k per child or something if this is what you are set on

That said, assuming you are retired there is nothing stopping picking someplace nice but cheapish like Goa or somewhere and renting a house 4/5 bed for a month or so and the kids can come whenever... open house style.

A few of my aunts and uncles do this in placed like Slovenia Montenegro Goa and new England 😵‍💫 (that uncle has $$$$)

The original idea was to go away on holiday all together, you can’t take children out of school term time without a fine now so I would book a villa for a couple of weeks in the school hols. Ask what dates would suit them before booking, you get a long holiday and they can plan the dates they can come

Your DH is being reasonable, the holiday is going to cost more for him. With 4 children, you generally need an extra room (or a more expensive accommodation) I think it's a bit sad to just pay for their holidays and not get to go together though.

@Rubesandme
Are they required to spend the money on a holiday?
can they pay down mortgage or buy a new car with it?
If Yes - then they should all be given the same amount.

Is he suggeating (example) £100 per person 1 £100
2 £300
3 £600
4 £400

Or is he suggesting 1, 2 and 4 get the same, And 3 gets more?

I think giving equal is fair. Also giving per family size is fair. I think the toughest job is what is fair to 1, make sure they don't get a shit deal.

If you are going to give money, I think you should stipulate it’s for a holiday. If you give money that can be spent on anything, and the amount differs depending on how many children you have, you are on a fast track to a family fallout.

Out of curiosity, how does your DH think any inheritance should be split?

Easiest way. You work out the cost of the holidays you were going to take them to, divide the costs pp ie. Cost of 1 adult and cost of 1 child, multiply by the number of kids / adults in each family and give them the amount. That way they all have the same amount except the one with more kids understandably has proportionnally more.

then they soend it HOWEVER way they want, if it s a gift you cant dictate

If it’s a cash gift to be spent however they decide then I’d lean towards giving equal amounts as you would any other cash gift.
Eg Why should single child be less able to pay down mortgage as married couple who may have two earners?

whereas if the money is specified for an event it will be easier to justify differing amounts.

whatever else you do be transparent about how you’ve come to the sums involved.

i would give one holiday amount, the same for everyone. There are so many factors such as age of children, wealth of each family that this is the easiest and fairest thing to do.

Inheritence is different as it will either be split between 4 children or be given to grandchildren as individuals. I wouldn’t give the DS with 4 children more directly but as a family they would get more as the children would get money each.

Op apply some common sense.

would it cost you more to take 6 people on holiday or 4?
what do you think here?

your dh is completely right. Ensuring they all go on holiday vs some struggling to pay is the fair thing to do.

Are all your children financially secure enough to spend it on a holiday? I don't think giving money with a stipulation of what it must be spent on is a good idea if they are not financial equals.

As I'm childfree and my sibling is not, I'd be pretty pissed off if I got £1000 but they got £3000 for their willingness to have children.

Also, single supplement - holidays for 1 are only marginally cheaper or the same as for 2.