To think people should stop pretending they don’t care?

[SnugShaker]

There’s this trend where people act like they’re completely unbothered - about relationships, friendships, opportunities - like indifference is some kind of power move. But isn’t it just fake?

In the end, if you actually care but keep pretending you don’t, that desperation will show in other ways. Wouldn’t it be better if people were just honest about what they want instead of playing it cool to the point of looking ridiculous? Or is there something to be gained from the act?

Gotta appear to be cool though innit? 😎

Not really noticed this? In what context???

When I was about 13 and my boyfriend dumped me, I remember saying something "yeah it's fine, I just want to be friends anyway". Although I was absolutely devastated!! But I think that's the last time I noticed anything like this!! I'm 46 now!

Is this what you mean?

Bit confused!

Who do you think doesn't care, and how do you know whether they do or don't?

Some people are lazy. And self absorbed. They don't think that much about others, only themselves. They genuinely don't care about much other than getting what they feel they want.

They'd care if something awful happened to them though.
So I'd just take it that they'll not be immune to having any emotional response when life goes wrong.

I guess superficially it could be a kind of shield. Lots of people hold in most of their feelings.

I think lots of people dont' care about the things I care about, and vice versa. And I think often on threads people love to come on and tell other posters that because they don't care, the OP shouldnt' either. eg birthday threads - lots of people genuinely do not care about birthdays. So they think everyone should not care about birthdays. So yes, it annoys me when they come on threads where OP is upset by not getting a birthday card and say, "why do you even care? I don't".

But I don't think they're lying about not caring. I think they're just too self absorbed to be able to see that their feelings are not the same as someone else's.

Not sure where you are getting this feeling - I think it depends on the person. I care about everyone and everything - drives my husband mad. He on the other hand has very little interest in gossip, and things like that. He’s very pragmatic- sort of it is what it is can’t change it you have to work with it so may look like to others that he doesn’t care

Haha true but sometimes trying too hard to look cool just makes it more obvious you care, doesn’t it?

There's a lot I don't care about that others do, and a lot I do care about that other people don't. We're all different.

That’s exactly the kind of thing I mean! It’s totally normal to put on a brave face sometimes but it feels like now it’s almost a trend to act completely unbothered by everything, even things people clearly do care about. It’s more the ‘pretending not to care is cool’ attitude I’m noticing, not just saving face in a tough moment.

Yes, I think there's a trick to getting it right.

I agree with pp that it can be a shield for people, to enable them to cope with what life throws at them. I read a book once, it was called 'The Subtle Art of not giving a Fuck.' Sometimes it is best not to sweat the small stuff. I realise this doesn't apply to everything though op.

Some people genuinely are self-absorbed or emotionally shut down and not just pretending. I was thinking more about the ones who do care but feel like it’s weak or embarrassing to show it, so they act indifference as a defence. You’re right though - either way, real emotions eventually catch up with everyone when life happens.

I think a lot of it is cultural pressures, especially on women.

Some of the biggest decisions of our entire lives, who we choose to marry and have kids with, we're conditioned into having to sit back and just wait and see. Don't scare a man off by talking about commitment! You don't want to coerce someone into marriage right? So don't pressure him to propose! Sit back and wait indefinitely until he decides he wants to propose to you. Same with kids. You're supposed to not scare someone off too soon talking about all of that. It's seen as pretty crazy too if you actively try for a baby. When we were ready to try we got so much 'don't sweat it, just have fun, relax, it'll happen', and people thought I was ridiculous for monitoring ovulation and timing sex etc., I guess in case I scared the egg away!?

I think it filters down into a lot of things. Some people are so insecure they're scared of showing they care about someone cos then the other person has ammunition and can hurt them. So it's easier to just pretend to be nonchalant so nobody can get to you on anything, or remove something you care about.

Being passionate about stuff is seen as being quite nerdy or 'full on'.

For all MN will encourage women to be open about what they want and 'just propose to him ffs' there are still very real and impactful cultural pressures at play.

I really dislike seeing "it's not that deep" about things that really are upsetting someone or do matter. Like trying to enforce apathy.

I agree, it is up to you how you deal with your own issues, but telling somebody else how to feel about theirs? Not okay at all.

Where is this 'trend'?
In your head I think because -meh!
Who the hell cares?

No
I think this is a you issue given that most of us have no idea what you aare talking about!

Are you doing a psychology degree?

Some people don’t care as a kind of self defence. It’s not always about being a nob.

Opcan you give some examples?

Sure - like people pretending they don’t care if they don’t get a second date or acting like they’re totally unbothered when a friend drifts away, even though it clearly hurts. It’s that ‘I’m too cool to care’ attitude that sometimes feels more performative than genuine. Not saying everyone does it but I’ve definitely noticed it more lately!

Tbh, I’m more bothered by people who virtue signal and pretend to care about things that don’t affect them in the slightest. People taking offence at every turn, or, worse, taking offence on behalf of someone else.
There are lots of Qs on here with people asking ‘should I be bothered about this?’ ‘Should I report this?’ ‘ Is this rude?’ etc.
Please, stop looking for reasons to be unhappy or create drama!

I sort of understand OP especially in relation to being viewed as weak or embarrassed by caring. I think it is a quite a British thing to feign indifference. Maybe linked to the old stiff upper lip.As a child if I said I didn’t care my late DM used to say ‘don’t care was made to care’.As I get older I do genuinely care a lot less about things that I cared about when younger.

But in what context? So, if I have lost a friend and it hurts, I'm not going to be hoenst about that on the school run with random women I a) don't know that well or b) who are friends with her. I don't want to be that vulnerable and/or give anyone ammunition.

I WOULD be honest about it on here - no one knows me - or with DH or with a very close friend.

I don't expect every person I know to be completely honest with me about how devastated they are that yet another date from an app didn't work out. I, personally, would like to think I'd be sympathetic and understanding, but I completely get that they don't wnat to discuss tha twith me.

That’s fair… I’m definitely not saying people need to spill their deepest feelings to acquaintances or random people! It’s more about the general attitude I notice sometimes, where even with close friends or in safe spaces, people act like it’s cooler not to care at all. Of course you choose your audience but it’s interesting how being truly honest about caring has almost started feeling taboo.

If it's genuine, it's a very free and easy way to live. There's very little I care about because most of it is not in my control anyway. I just enjoy each day as it comes. I don't care what other people think of me because if they don't like me, they don't have to be in my life and vice versa.

But if you are pretending not to care then that seems pointless I agree as no-one else cares what you think anyway.