To think people should stop pretending they don’t care?

[SnugShaker]

There’s this trend where people act like they’re completely unbothered - about relationships, friendships, opportunities - like indifference is some kind of power move. But isn’t it just fake?

In the end, if you actually care but keep pretending you don’t, that desperation will show in other ways. Wouldn’t it be better if people were just honest about what they want instead of playing it cool to the point of looking ridiculous? Or is there something to be gained from the act?

This is interesting. Because I'd say if people are not feeling comfortable inw hat should be safe spaces or with close friends, that says more about those spaces or those friendships.

I had a friend once who meant well, but tended to think she had all the answers. And sometimes it was easier not to tell her things.

I think I can explain this attitude. I grew up in an enmeshed miserable family. We were all in an awful pressure cooker environment and forced to be together. Because of this, I like having people in my life, but I’m also happy to not have people in my life. It means that someone really has to slot in with my personality perfectly to make it worthwhile for me to invest, because close relationships can be as distressing as they can be rewarding.
So I would be one of these people who love having friends, but if one of those friends decided to dump me, I would totally be ok with it, because being alone brings as much happiness as being with people.

Meh, Catherine Tate though, innit?

You’d probably think that about me. Im not cool or emotionally shut down or whatever other insulting thing you said, I just don’t wear my heart on my sleeve and am very pragmatic. At the very most I’ll give DH a hug or watch the dog house and have a cry in private but other than I just want to get on with things. I absolutely don’t want to sit and wallow in shit stuff or cry or talk to people about ‘feelings’ because it doesn’t help, it makes me feel worse.

An example is that I have a long term health condition and so many people seem to want me to get upset about it but I would rather just find a way to adjust to it, it’s not going anywhere and I can’t change it so I need to work out how to live with it.

How do you know they aren’t being honest, though, @SnugShaker?

We are all different, and don’t necessarily all feel the same way.

You’re right, not everyone processes things the same way. I guess I’m thinking more about when the ‘I don’t care’ attitude seems performative like when someone insists over and over that they’re unbothered but their actions suggest otherwise. It’s not about assuming everyone is secretly upset, just noticing when there’s a mismatch between words and behaviour.

I think perhaps you're attributing the wrong motive to people.

If, for example, someone gets dumped and they say 'OK, fair enough - I wasn't really into the relationship either so I don't mind if we call it a day' while secretly being devastated, that isn't really about trying to look cool. It's about people trying to protect themselves. Not everyone is comfortable laying themselves bare in front of other people - especially other people who have just badly hurt them. Not everyone wants to make themselves emotionally vulnerable. It's not about looking cool, it's often just about self-preservation or even just maintaining one's own dignity and self-respect.

If someone has deliberately hurt me, they obviously did it to get some satisfaction out of causing me pain. Why should I indulge them by giving them that satisfaction? It would just be rewarding an unpleasant person for hurting me. I remember being properly screamed at school by a particularly vile primary school teacher and really wanting to cry, but I made myself just stand and look her coldly straight in the eye the whole time. I probably cried at home afterwards, I can't remember. But I'm bloody glad I didn't give her the satisfaction of showing her I was upset. Not about looking 'cool' but about not letting a complete arsehole win.

I also think there are probably times when you think people must care, simply because you would if you were in their shoes, but they actually just genuinely aren't that bothered. I've experienced this very recently in relation to a health issue I had - at one point, a colleague of my partner's said 'ItGhoul must be finding this really hard, she must be really worried' and he said 'To be honest, she's not actually worried at all. Everyone else is a million times more worried than she is' and his colleague 'Ah, but that'll just be bravado, she must be worried really, I bet she's just trying to put a brave face on it'. But... I really really wasn't?! There was a chance I could have something very seriously wrong with me, but on balance, the odds were reasonably in my favour and I'm quite a pragmatic and rational person about that sort of thing so I just thought 'Oh well, only two out of ten people with these symptoms have a serious illness and of those two, one or none of them will have the fatal version of it, so I'm probably fine'. Not trying to look cool or brave, just honestly not that arsed.

Yeah, everyone has to care about something. Some can't bear to show it to others. It's sad as it means you don't think they care about nice things either. But it's definitely a coping mechanism. I'd much rather we could trust eachother to be more open about our feelings as a species. But it's difficult to appear vulnerable isn't it?

I’ve noticed it more in the dating world, no-one shows passion/want/chasing, it’s just “okay yeah see you around”

That makes sense, @SnugShaker.

Some people sweat about the tiny little things in life and are obsessed with what other people think in a parochial judgemental and critical way. I don’t care about little things or other peoples opinions except the people I love because life has thrown big things at me which has changed my perspective. We are all different and it’s not a subject you can really find offence with. I’m also lucky enough to have travelled the world independently in my late 20s which taught me things I wouldn’t never had experienced had I not. I think someone has irked you and you’re looking for affirmation op.

I think some people enjoy seeing others suffer these days, you see it on here a lot where people will kick a poster when they are down. I think social media has created a bit of a pile-on mentality with people and as a result it leaves some people scared to show vulnerability, so they end up pretending they are fine instead.

I care about my friends and family and world issues, but at the same time, I don’t get bothered so much about things I can’t control. The two things are not mutually exclusive. It’s so freeing. I actually think that a lot of people’s misery stems from caring too much about other people’s choices or opinions of them when they have sod all control over it. That lightbulb moment when you stop caring so much is the moment your life changes for the better.

How do you know they’re pretending?

I read a lot of threads on here where (to me) people get really worked up over the most pointless things and it all seems very exhausting.

But I’m also sure that I care about things that they wouldn’t even think twice about.

It’s always best not to judge. It’s not my place to tell someone they need to care more (or less).

It comes from the realisation that virtually everything in their lives is beyond their control, and lack of any real sense of community means that there are no consequences when people leave.

No point giving a shit about your job, your company doesn't give a shit about you.

Your colleagues will steal your ideas, take credit for your work and blank you if they can get a promotion out of it.

Friends come and go. But mostly go.

Even if you do everything "right", along comes Covid and lockdown ruins your business, bankrupts you, and stops you seeing your family and friends.

Ultimately, nobody gives a fuck about you or your life. And when everyone realises this, people genuinely just stop giving a shit. It's not a pretence.

People don't care.

Some people need to be less afraid of showing a bit of vulnerability. You dont need to have it all together all the time. You can ask for help or guidance. It's not a weakness.

I think it's relative.

I used to have a very quick temper and friends could upset me very easily with the smallest slight. I did care, too much.

I very clearly remember a moment (I could tell you where I was) when I decided not to care. If course I do still care about the big stuff, but I can manage my emotions so much better by distancing myself a bit.

The flip side of that though is that you don’t need to constantly talk about your struggles to anyone that will listen.

Obviously most people fall somewhere in the middle but I personally get a bit put off by people who seem constantly upset or impacted by everything.

I had a friend 'drift away', and honestly, I was unbothered at the time, I remain unbothered and barely give that person a second thought. I'm not lying about that or pretending not to care - why would I pretend? I'm not too cool to care but if someone wants to leave my life for whatever reason, then go...I'm not going to weep about it and dwell on it.

Everyone is different. For some people this would be devastating, for others, it's just part of life.

Who exactly are you talking about? It seems like a weird generalisation. I don't see it myself. I mean, how do you know their indifference isn't genuine? People on Mn tie themselves in knots on a daily basis about stuff I would barely give a second thought to -- playdates, a non-'visitor-ready' house, what someone said to them on the school run, the fact that their six year old wasn't invited to a party, a colleague eating an egg sandwich, a visiting teenager not cleaning the loo etc etc.

I'm not feigning indifference, I would be genuinely indifferent on these issues.

Exactly. I actually think too many people sweat the small stuff when in reality it just doesn’t matter in the slightest.

Like you, I read multiple threads a day on here from
people who are genuinely upset and angry over minor interactions and I always wonder whether the other person even realises they’ve caused so much drama while just going about their day.

I think the ability to care is quite individualised. There are people who care massively about all sorts of things and people and at the other end of the continuum people who don't care, for whatever reason, about very much at all. Most people are somewhere between those two extremes. To care about something or someone you first have to notice and then respond. Sometimes people notice but that's as far as it goes. Societal factors come into play too. In some circumstances expressions of care are discouraged, someone has already mentioned the idea of the British stuff upper lip. Sometimes people care deeply but don't express their feelings because they feel it would make them look weak. I'm not sure I agree it's a uniform thing, it's very context based.

Sure. I mean, the OP lists 'friendships, relationships, opportunities' . Absolutely I mind about my friendships and my marriage, but they don't cause me any particular unease or internal drama. I'm not so sure what the OP means by feigning indifference about 'opportunities'. OP, do you mean not being all wound up about a promotion, or something?

Yep - I mean, I care about those things too but like you they don’t really cause me any upset or worry - and if they did I probably wouldn’t share it anyway.

Not because I’m trying to be cool or because I don’t want to be vulnerable but because I just don’t feel like it’s anyone else’s business, lol.

I think people say ‘It’s not that deep’ to indicate that people are massively and incorrectly overanalysing something and getting themselves worked up over something that isn’t even true.

eg “I am dating a man and it’s been going well but yesterday I suggested going to a posh restaurant and he said he said ‘I’m a bit skint at the moment, can we keep it more low key and just go to the local Italian?’ What does this mean? Is he going off me? Does he think im not worth spending money on? Or has he been lying to me about having a job and is actually unemployed?? Or maybe he thinks I’m grabby. I’m really worried he’s going to dump me, I really like him and now I feel sick.”

That is when “It’s not that deep” is an entirely appropriate response.