More of a WWYD.. Daughter's friend

[mezzetables]

My daughter aged 13 has friend who comes over every morning before school. Waits in the dining room whilst my DD gets ready, then they head off to the bus stop. They've been friends since early primary school and this girl is from a good family.
However.... This is the bit I'm struggling with... Money (only small amounts like the odd pound coin here and there) has started going miss from a shelf in our home. Shelf is is in the dining room where this friend waits each morning. Last night, my DD confided in me that she'd actually seen the friend taking money.. Apparently walked in an caught her red-handing. DD was too shocked to say anything, so acted normal. The friend also didn't say anything but looked very gulity, went bright red and look embarassed.
How do I approach this? I personally don't want to tell her parents because, all in all, she's a good kid.

Don’t leave money lying around where it’s obvious.

Don't leave money out- tell the girl due to things going missing all guests now wait outside? Make it a blanket ban not personal

Well don't leave money lying about for starters!

Don't leave money lying around. Other than that, I wouldn't do anything else for now. She's been caught, so will probably be on best behaviour for a while.

I wouldn't lie like the poster above who says to tell he that all guests must wait outside because that would be obviously untrue.

Just tell her kindly she can wait inside but mustn’t take anything. If she does, she will need to wait outside

I think I’d be tempted to very deliberately orchestrate a ‘catch’ and then have a gentle conversation with her about what’s behind it.

It might be temptation, it might be need, it might be wanting to be a rebel……

The responses saying don’t leave money lying around are crazy. It’s your home, you should be able to leave money where you want and not have to worry about it going missing. As others have suggested, I would make her wait outside in the mornings until your daughter is ready.

Your house, you should be able to leave money on a shelf.

Waiting outside seems to be the best option.

I would just remove the temptation and not leave money in there. If she’s genuinely a good kid, she’s probably mortified. And she’ll know you know, which will hopefully be enough to shame her into stopping.

Personally I would move the money or put it in a closed tin. I'd imagine she was quite embarrassed about being caught out -hopefully that will put a stop to it anyway. It's either that or DD is ready to go downstairs when she arrives. While it's totally unacceptable to steal from you, I hope that the kid isn't struggling or hungry.

I’d speak to the girls parents. She’s 13 so will know it’s stealing.

What has your daughter said? Are they good friends?

I too would make her wait outside as this can’t continue in your home.
she will likely be aware as to why you make her wait outside and hopefully will be embarrassed but ultimately if you feel unable to do this then a word with her parents would be in order.If it were my child I’d want to know she was stealing money

Some of the responses so far make me shake my head!

For the good of this girl more than anything else, I would address this. How well do you know the parents? Are they definitely looking after her, could she be desperate for cash to buy herself lunch at school, for example?

If not, and it could be the start of a dangerous habit, then I'd gently approach the parents.

Many might say "it's not your responsibility etc" but she's a kid, we should all pitch in to make sure these kids are ok.

I think sometimes kids just do silly things like this. She's almost certainly not thinking of it as proper theft but has been embarrassed by being caught. That's probably all the lesson needed here.
Move the money out of temptations way and don't leave any lying around.

That is tricky, given she’s been caught, I’d be tempted to talk to her kindly - it’s important to let her know clearly that it has been noticed. Could be an impulse control issue - if I was her parent I’d want to know too.

I had a "friend" like this at school. It just escalated and escalated, like it was a compulsion. She stole small things from everyone's houses. If you think speaking to the parents will help then try it (it wouldn't have helped in my example) but otherwise I'd just ban her from the house. It sounds mean but you dont want to bring this type of problem into your life. It escalated to jewellery in my friends case.

If she is otherwise a good kid I agree with just moving the money out of temptation’s way. My DSS likely has ADHD and struggles with impulse control and I could see him doing something like this. He would be mortified if he got caught and actually thought about it being stealing. If she is getting into trouble in other ways I’d let her parents know, or if it was anything more than a pound here and there, but I wouldn’t make a mountain out of a molehill here.

I'd be inclined to find out if she's in need? Is she being neglected? Does she need a couple of pounds a day to get lunch and why that is?

Could DD ask her?

Exactly, particularly if there is any kind of lurking me or impulse issue it may be nice for her parents to know now. It’s not the petty theft it’s the why…

Friend needs to wait outside as money has been taken. She's no longer allowed in the house.

Those are the consequences of stealing.

Moving the money just gives you consequences but teaches her nothing.

This. It's victim blaming at it's finest

Ask her if she’s ok or needs help.

I think you need to actually deal with this. Otherwise you're effectively giving her the impression that this is fine - if she knows she's been caught but nothing happens it doesn't really send the right signal and in future in a different context the ramifications for her her could be severe. So I think you really need to actually address this with her and her parents, now.

Why do you leave money lying around??

Look at the bigger picture. What if several friends come over and more money goes missing!?

You’ll naturally think it’s her won’t you?

I knew someone who had a couple of grand go missing and it was blamed on the poorest most struggling person. But the question is, was it her.

Put all money away would be my advice.

Difficult one to address really, there's a line between making excuses for a thief and wondering if they're stealing for food.

You say she's from a good family, how well do you know them, are they likely to let the DC go unfed?

Either way you should be able to leave your prize possessions wherever you choose to in your own home and expect them to be left untouched by outsiders.

As said ask them to wait outside.
If you don't want to your DD could meet them at the bus stop or she'll have to get ready quicker and meet on the doorstep.