More of a WWYD.. Daughter's friend

[mezzetables]

My daughter aged 13 has friend who comes over every morning before school. Waits in the dining room whilst my DD gets ready, then they head off to the bus stop. They've been friends since early primary school and this girl is from a good family.
However.... This is the bit I'm struggling with... Money (only small amounts like the odd pound coin here and there) has started going miss from a shelf in our home. Shelf is is in the dining room where this friend waits each morning. Last night, my DD confided in me that she'd actually seen the friend taking money.. Apparently walked in an caught her red-handing. DD was too shocked to say anything, so acted normal. The friend also didn't say anything but looked very gulity, went bright red and look embarassed.
How do I approach this? I personally don't want to tell her parents because, all in all, she's a good kid.

Your daughter should arrange to meet her at the bus stop now instead. Unfortunately, the friend has shown she can't be trusted anymore. If anything were to go missing again, you'd always think it's her, even if it wasn't.

I wouldn't let anyone that stole from us into our home. She can wait outside from now on and I would tell her why. It will do her good to learn that the consequence to being a thief is that you are not trusted.

I used to steal money
Mainly from my parents
Needed it to buy tampons deodorant toothpaste razors soap.
Feel ashamed now ,
But didn't have a choice at the time

I'd want my money back.

That's horrid. I had a 'mate' in secondary school who was a proper klepto. It started with coins going missing from a tray, then she was caught with her hand in my mum's purse, then she stole my grandmothers jewellery.
You need to bar her from the house.

You need to speak to her.

Many years ago I had a suspicion my young nephew was taking money from my house and possibly my purse but I wasn't certain.

I was in town one day and saw him being put into the back of a police van, aged 13, for shoplifting. Thankfully he was giving a warning and that was the end of it. I often thought if I'd spoken up sooner the shoplifting may never have happened

You need to find out why. Money going missing and it’s for personal care items that her parents can’t/wont buy - I wouldn’t be happy but would understand. Money going missing for the sake of it or because she’s a petty thief - I wouldn’t allow her in the house and I’d want it all paying back.

Gosh it’s a hard one @mezzetables
She needs to learn that actions have consequences otherwise it could escalate - I have seen it happen. One girl in my daughters’ school got a terrible reputation that has followed her into her now student life.
It wasn’t addressed at the time.
I think her parents were in denial.
Here’s the conundrum- if you accuse her yourself she may well deny it.
She may need the money if things at home aren’t great.
Or she may go home and tell her parents that she has been accused wrongly of taking money and her parents may side with her.
What a shame your dd didn’t say “What are you doing?” when she caught her in the act.
At least she’d know she was caught.
If you say anything to her parents, again she may well deny it and you are the worst in the world for accusing her wrongly.
Or she may be punished very severely by her parents. For showing them up. Or letting them down.
That’s why it’s a conundrum ☹️

Secret camera to catch her.

I had a friend that stole rubbers from people. Me and my other friend found a box of everyones rubbers at her house when we went round one day.
She is a completely normal grown adult and a good citizen now.
I think put the money away and make a comment when she is next there, not directed at her but something alomg the lines ofz someone has been taking money from the shelves, I am going to put a camera in here to see who it was, as a passing comment to your daughter, in earshot of the girl.
Then do nothing and see if anything else goes missing.

Hmm or maybe OP can just speak to the 13 year olds parents. Which would be a better approach. I don’t think you’d get anywhere spying on the 13 year old and we already know she’s the culprit.

My guess is she’s stealing it to buy food for school or something, but it’s definitely best to chat to the girls parents. There could be a deeper issue. I’d also expect OP might want to stop this girl from being in her house too

She would be waiting outside from now on.

I wouldn’t make her wait outside. I wouldn’t have a chat. I wouldn’t set up a boobie trap to catch her red handed. I wouldn’t worry about neglect. I would simply move the money. If it’s a quid here and there, it is really not worth it. You don’t want your DD having a fallout, the embarrassment for the other girl would be awful. Just move the money.

I also think that those saying don’t tell the parents, unless she’s told by her parents and clearly embarrassed that people are aware she’s stealing - it might not stop.

She doesn't come in the house anymore - and if she asks, I'd tell her why.

The people who say you just stop putting money there are so naive. If she's stealing money, she'll likely steal other small items eventually. She's 13 - she's old enough to know right from wrong and old enough to handle waiting outside for 15 minutes.

Please don't feel ashamed now. They should have been providing these for you without you having to resort to taking money to cover basic necessities.

Yes, tell her parents.

I don't understand some of these responses. There are a lot of maybe this or that suggestions about her home life. Unless she or her parents have given you the impression that she is either neglected or in danger if they find out, to me the most obvious response is to tell them. Confronting her might be too humiliating but I wouldn't gloss over it. How will she learn to stop if she is never pulled up on it? OP should be able to leave her money where she wants in her own home.

Otherwise don't let her in any more

I would speak to her about it, on her own. Ask her direct - money has been going missing from the dining room where she waits every day and your daughter saw her taking money there recently. Why did she take it? If it’s for genuine need (sanitary items?) take the conversation from there. If it’s greed and/or temptation make it clear you will speak to her parents. I would still allow her in the house since she is your daughter’s good friend, but I’d have her wait somewhere else out of temptation until she can be trusted again.
If not addressed, stealing the odd pound coin here and there will escalate. You are doing her a favour by addressing this.

Depends on your relationship with her, but I would maybe mention that money has gone missing and see what she says. Maybe casually ask her if she’s seen it.

Also, I hate to say this but are you 100% sure it isn’t DD and she is now blaming her friend? I remember years ago when DS was maybe around 11 we were talking about money and he let slip that if he “found’ money lying around in our house he just kept it! We had to point out that was actually our money, it wasn’t a case of finders keepers!

She'd be waiting outside from now on if it were me.

When I was about 12 I went through a spate of pinching things. I would blatantly do it and the memory of it haunts me to this day. It came to an end when I pinched a sweet in a shop, i didn’t even want it. I was with my friend and it was her local shop and I was staying at her house. The shame I felt and everytime we drove past that shop was horrendous. So whilst I don’t know what’s going on for this kid I suspect she will, like me never pinch another thing in her life and burn with shame everytime she thinks about it.

Agree with previous poster who suggests having a quiet word with the child. Approach gently and kindly and from the perspective of concern - as it sounds like you are fond of the child this will feel the most genuine approach. Locking her out, shaming her, trying to catch her out/ secret filming are in my opinion horrible ways to treat a child, especially one you like and with whom your daughter has a long standing relationship. Assuming there is no financial distress, I imagine she will be sufficiently embarrassed that this will shock her into stopping without the need to involve parents and moreover, handled sensitively, will allow her to preserve her friendship with your daughter. If this doesn't work, then I would go to the parents.

this is good, it tells her she has been caught and may make her rethink her actions.

I’d start by asking her if she’s had breakfast already or does she want some toast. And mentioning that you’re going to the supermarket and does she need anything. Ask both girls what they’re doing for lunch etc. over the course of a few days.

Then Id put the money in another location which she can’t access but not without giving her an option to be able to ask for things if needed. …

It's your house you should be able to leave money where you want to!
You should tell the parents- If it was my child I would be upset but very grateful that you told me.

i would also be talking to your DD about shoplifting as this friend my not be as good an influence as you thought...