Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

That’s not the same, your friend that was also your dads friend is a completely different relationship to a man who has lived with and raised a child into a woman from the age of 8.

Do you ever consider the step children in anything?

Op's Daughter is the one who is getting married and only sees one person as her father. Dh's bio daughter might have problems with her dad but that's no reason to bring drama on op's daughter's wedding. Can she not have any compassion for someone who lost their bio dad?

If I were your DD and my stepdad (who raised me) and I were being prevented from having a moment that we both wanted at my wedding, by a jealous woman stamping her little feet, I would be making sure everyone knew about it. I hope the OP’s daughter is a lot nicer than me, or the speeches could get very interesting.

Except he doesn’t want it now that he’s been made aware of how much it would hurt his daughter. He’s chosen to prioritize her, she hasn’t made him.

I’m not sure that badmouthing his daughter would bode well for her relationship with her stepfather.

Sure, like OP’s stepdaughter here.

People can want to do something and still choose not to do it, for any number of reasons; it doesn’t mean that they are happy about having to miss out. The OP’s husband’s feelings are quite clear from her description of his reaction in her original post. He’s not happy about this.

Oh right. You seem to have an obvious dislike for stepchildren in general

OP has not said that he’s upset because he wanted those moments with his stepdaughter. His distress may very well be for his daughter, and/or because he isn’t relishing the fallout with OP.

Once again OP, you seem to be avoiding the question as to WHY your DH won't speak to his DD directly about this.

Why do you so firmly believe the story that the ex and you SS have told your DH? Is there more to this than you've actually posted, as by the nastiness displayed by your SS, I wouldn't be at all surprised?

You say that you don't think that your SD knows that her Mum & Brother have told her Dad this 'story'. So what if it isn't true? What if your step son is just stirring the pot, which I personally think is highly likely from his previous behaviour?

For goodness sake, before disappointing your own DD, at least get some clarity on the situation, even if you have to call your SD yourself, and ask her. It doesn't have to be nasty, you can just say you understand that she's unhappy at the prospect of her Dad walking your daughter down the aisle, and then don't say anything else until she responds. (If this isn't a tactic you're familiar with, it's well known that people can't bear silence in a conversation, so will 99% of the time, say something to fill it). If she says she doesn't want to talk about, then fair enough, go ahead and speak to your daughter about you walking her down the aisle, if that's how you want to resolve this, but please at least confirm that this isn't her dear brother shit stirring, as from what I've read, unless I've missed something, it doesn't seem like your SD, is the one who has been nasty about your DD at all.

Okay 🙂

You are free to believe what you like.

I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt his daughter. But it doesn't necessarily follow that he now doesn't want to be the father figure at his stepdaughter's wedding. The op's husband has been put in a really horrible situation where he is being forced to choose between two people he loves. Awful.

It sounds like the bio children still mentally see their family unit as just their mum and dad and, by choosing not to stay over much as kids, have never accepted their step sister as part of their family unit. Hence the son being unhappy at seeing his surname on her college text book. The somewhat cruel Btec Betty was given to make them feel superior - she lives with our dad but she’s not our equal.

it’s interesting that the son did live with you for 18 months and he is now the mediator / informant in this situation. And clearly needed his mum to help break the news on this as feels more caught in the middle. The fact SD feels so strongly yet wouldn’t discuss this herself with her dad is telling (I think I am reading it right that there has been no direct discussion with you DH and his DD) or perhaps she has a history of getting other family members to do her bidding and is simply behaving like she always has by manipulating the family’s behaviour?

Your DH needs to discuss it with his DD and ask her to see it from your daughter’s point of view. But it will be hard as your SD has spent decades minimising your daughter’s position in her family and now this wedding would force her to see ‘publicly’ how close her dad’s relationship with another daughter is. Perhaps there is a compromise - is the aisle wide enough for both of you to walk her? - but he needs to talk to his daughter directly and alone before making any decisions about the wedding.

BakelikeBertha I didn’t know I was evading questions. My husband will not speak to his daughter directly as that would be breaking his ex’s confidence and the confidence between her and her mother and presumably her brother.
His daughter has also not issued an ultimatum, it was something that was discussed between them.
Some people asked why I believed it all, I just do. A poster talked about nuance and she is right. I know what they are like and they are not in the habit of lying.
His ex has obviously had dealings with my husband over the years but this was the first time ever she had asked him to meet her for a discussion.
I genuinely don’t think that their motivation is to upset my daughter. I think they are indifferent to her.

The grandchild is his son’s child and they are having another. The child is also invited to the wedding but they are not bringing him and this upset my husband.

Does his grandson visit your house?

Oh one more thing. My husband was in a state of shock after the meeting with ex but he seemed to think the focus was on giving away.
When he spoke to his son, the son said that his sister’s focus was on the Father of Bride speech.
My stepson would see a problem and discuss it with his dad. He is a hugely confident person, as is his sister but he isn’t a lier.

Jesus Christ. His daughter is an adult. Why can’t he just talk to her for the love of god rather than all this mystery and intrigue and big brother being the apparent mouthpiece etc.

have an effing conversation with the daughter. Tell her what people are saying in her behalf and ask her if that’s how she really feels.

Do you think the ex has been going with the narrative here?

telling her children he’s moved on, he has a new family now etc etc?

my brothers ex did this to him unbeknownst to him. He thought things were fine for years until she went to uni and stopped contact. Apparently his ex had always told her it was him that left and set up a new family, he never paid anything because he was too busy with his new family etc. she’d manipulate by telling DB she couldn’t come round as she had homework, or she was spending too much time with him, and who knows what she was saying about why contact was cancelled. nothing blatant, but a drip drip drip over many years that cumulated in her thinking everything posters here have been saying- when it was his ex keeping him away.

BigAnne Yes the child visits and my daughter is referred to by her name A but stepdaughter is Auntie B. What amuses me is the grandchild has given my daughter and me different names, like nicknames. It’s as if the grandchild knows we aren’t some randoms.

That's sad. Have you ever questioned this?

Right I don’t know why people don’t believe me. It might seem odd to some but I genuinely believe that what my stepson and his mother are saying is true. I don’t think that they are embellishing or anything.
I am upset because of my poor daughter.
My husband won’t betray confidences.

TheMimsy because it was in confidence.

There is absolutely nothing stopping him going to her and saying that your daughter has asked him and he is there to see how she feels about it because he recognising that she is his daughter and he wants to make sure she is ok with it.

Hell he should have done that at the start because I suspect him not is part of the issue.

there has been no attempt to blend here and that is on him. He could speak to her because the fact she is struggling with this isn’t a surprise or a shock and is something he should be aware of anyway

@WickedMotherofthebride your DH may have been told these things in confidence but it wouldn’t break that confidence for him to call his daughter up and say something like: ‘stepdaughter is getting married and has asked me to walk her down the aisle and give a speech. I’ve been in her life since she was 8 and am the only dad she knows so I’m honoured to do this but appreciate that you are my daughter and I don’t want to cause any upset by not running this past you first. Is this something you’ve thought about or does it not bother you?’
It’s unclear why he can’t have such a conversation with his daughter, it breaks no confidences and is a perfectly normal and reasonable thing to do in the circumstances. All the cloak and dagger secrets is making this more dramatic than it needs to be.