Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

Seriously? Do you have children? Would you be happy with that level of contact with your 11 year old?

I don’t think children or adult children who have emotional reactions to things like this are “bad”.

It’s easy to say poor step-child or half-sibling when you’re not the one that spent their childhood on the sidelines.

There’s feeling of rejection and abandonment.

And I IMO parents are seen to pander to these emotional reactions, because the parents damn well know their child had to deal with unequal or unfair situations.

A younger half-sibling generally has both their parents in the same household. Whereas the older child either has visitor status or has to deal with living with an adult who isn’t their parent.

And the consequences of that come home to roost sometimes manifesting in unhealthy behaviours or things that are seen as socially unacceptable by the older child and nobody wants to deal with it because their feelings are inconvenient.

I think regular dinners or a drive somewhere might be a nice arrangement with a friend or other close family member like a cherished aunt but for a parent minor child it’s not close to a home environment.

I get that it was several times a week and that in theory you can catch up property over a meal out but it’s alien to having a home with a parent.

And what do you do when the child doesn’t want overnight contact? Which some children don’t - they prefer having one home and one base. Do you force them? Some people will stick their kids in front of the telly or tablet and not interact much with them at all so overnight contact doesn’t by itself mean that there is a close relationship between parent and child. It’s so hard to have a hard and fast rule with this based purely on the geographical location that the contact takes place.

It’s still wrong to punish the other child, whether step sibling or half sibling.

Define “punish”. You are assuming that the intention behind the SD’s upset which keeping in mind she didn’t communicate to DH is to punish the DD. It could well be the raw emotion she feels about her dad not being there for her while raising someone else.

This is what I mean the kids are expected to park their own feelings.

As I’ve said I wouldn’t care if my father walked half the country up the aisle, in fact I’d have liked it. But I was secure in my relationship with my father, I never had to deal with him living with another girl my age.

exactly.

asking someone to choose between you and another person will only ever end badly, whatever the relationship. The “pick me”’dance.

surely better to sit down with his dd, find out why this is such a big deal to her, and address it. If she’s feeling what pp are saying like sharing her dad etc, then some reassurance that walking sd down the aisle doesn’t mean he loves her less. She’s 33.

sounds like they need some family counselling, healthier than demanding people do things to “prove” they love them most.

If the SD is feeling what has been said in previous posts, why shouldn’t he agree to what SD asks?

If (and again) if SD says you were with DD raising her and I felt sidelined, telling her that it doesn’t mean he loves what less isn’t going to make up for it. It happened, its not like he gets a do-over.

DD has a mother who can walk DD up the aisle. And yes, of course DD has had bad things happen to her, but she also had years of a stable loving homelife with a man she felt was a father to her. It’s seems his kids had less time in their lives living with him than SD did.

telling her that it doesn’t mean he loves what less isn’t going to make up for it. It happened, its not like he gets a do-over

But will him refusing to do something for your step sibling make it better/make up for it? I don’t get how asking her dad to not be in his stepdaughters wedding will in any way make up for whatever wrong she feels he has done. It won’t make things better, it’s just spiteful and will upset his stepdaughter more than anything. If both women were getting married on the same day and she asked her dad to choose to attend her wedding instead of the SD I’d get it. But that’s not the case here.

Because him playing a role that was traditionally for the father of the bride symbolises something for SD in these circumstances. It’s you were daddy to this other girl and not me. And here you go again.

Not doing it likely will upset DD but doing it will upset his own daughter.

And his reaction to whatever the ex communicated was to say he can’t do it, and that is not to be overlooked either. And the Op has calmed down and is thinking she will do it, and it seems that would likely be the best course of action.

And both the OP and DH can talk to DD and explain that it is not about her or how DH feels about her, but that his daughter missed out on a lot growing up and is dealing with a lot of emotion.

See I think you’re giving her way too much credit and excusing this shit. Some people have truly shitty lives and deal with so much more than not staying over at dad’s house and still manage to act like mature adults and with a bit of class. Oh well. Probably not worth debating it further.

I can’t see how saying a daughter might likely have emotions about her father moving in with & raising another child is “giving her credit”.

Agreed people have shitty lives, but not staying over at dad’s house is actually a fairly fundamental thing for a child and any basic psychology course starts with childhood. Feelings of belonging and being in secure in your parents affections are crucial in a child’s needs being met.

Its odd what we deem socially acceptable, making this request of your dad is lacking class, but him moving in with a woman and another child when you are a child who needs him to raise you is a ok because he is “entitled to his own life” or his “world shouldn’t revolve around you”. If you can’t prioritise your children’s best interests and happiness while they are children you are doing it wrong

I agree with this, and with the other pps who have said the same - either because of direct experience or because they possess imagination and empathy.

My DC was only 5 when my exDH and I divorced. I saw other children shuttling between parental homes while those parents formed new relationship and started new families. My heart broke at the thought of my DC having only a part-time place in two families, while watching half or step siblings having a full-time place. I was young enough, and had the opportunity, to have children in a new relationship, and the reason I didn't do that was that I couldn't do that to my child.

My reading of this situation is that this is very much the last straw for the OP's step-daughter. Her DF has belated realised how much she has been hurting over the past 22 or more years, and is finally being a father to his own child. Good for him.

In my experience, children that don’t want overnight contact with one parent have a reason more complex than not wanting two homes.

Sometimes it’s tough to provide two homes though.

my brother had a house in the SE. When his wife had an affair and kicked him out the finances wouldn’t stretch- she couldn’t afford to buy him out, selling and splitting after costs would have left neither with an appropriate home for the children, in addition to having to move away from schools and friends. So he signed over the house to her and walked away with nothing.

which meant him on my mum and dad’s sofa for two years, seeing the kids as much as possible, while not being able to offer them a bed. Not being able to save a deposit between CMS, running a car, paying keep, and obviously having no home meant a lot of contact was spent eating out, days out etc

so not his choice to split (he was suicidal when he found out about the OM), unable to have overnights.

it’s not always as straightforward as it seems.

She hasn’t asked him to choose. Her mother and brother told him her feelings seemingly without her knowledge.

Sitting down and telling her she shouldn’t feel what she does won’t change her feelings, and going ahead and walking his stepdaughter down the aisle will cost him his relationship with his child. Sometimes you can’t just offer reassurance and get everything the way you want it to be, and you do actually have to make a choice.

Refusing to choose here would end badly, as he would lose his child. Choosing doesn’t always ‘end badly’ either, as that’s entirely dependent on the context. It can be a moment of realization (as it appears to be here), and the first step to rebuilding something damaged.

Can’t you just give her away? Honestly, don’t lose your marriage over this.

You expressed much better what I was trying to express - I’d say it’s unlikely you can give a child who feels they have been sidelined over a period of years enough reassurance in a conversation that they will suddenly forget it all.

The Op hasn’t told us their whole life story but we know that there have been glimpses of how the kids feel previously - the reaction to the surname & being caught slagging off DD.

We all bring our own perspective to any conversation. Mine is I can feel the emotion of a teenage girl and I can feel the pain of feeling your dad is off being a dad to someone else. That is not to say I don’t sympathise with DD and what happened to her own father, if an involved uncle, or family friend or even a single man had stepped into a father type role to support her that would have been great. But a man who had two kids of his own owned the greater responsibly to his own kids. The moral duty he owed was to his kids. DD was owed a moral duty by OP and her father while he was still alive.

This sums it up accurately for me. Sd is well old enough now to appreciate dd’s loss and predicament.. anyone with a shred of compassion would understand and not put themselves in competition.

I have not spoken to my daughter and while I am seeing her on Sunday we won’t be alone. When I see her alone I will ask about my walking with her. If she still prefers my husband. I will have to tell her the truth.
My husband only lived with his ex for about 4 years. They were still together when she and the children moved in with her parents so she could continue studying.
Posters have the idea that they never stayed with us and didn’t have their own rooms- they did but they preferred to be where they were settled and had siblings. My stepson lived with us for about 18 months when he had a placement in London.
The idea of family therapy is deeply ironic if you knew his career.
My husband is already a grandfather and my daughter and I have no honorific and he had to see the baby ( there is another one on the way) alone for the first time. I was hurt but accepted it.
I also accept that my stepdaughter wants the giving away etc to be unique to her and her father. She might be jealous but def not jealous of the actual my daughter getting married business.
I totally believe ex’s version of events and this has been confirmed by son. I don’t think either of them or my stepdaughter want to punish my daughter but my stepdaughter is upset.
I surmise but husband doesn’t know that stepdaughter doesn’t know they have spoken. Ex asked my husband if he had a role in wedding. As people have guessed there are objections to everything not just the aisle business but the speech. This came from stepson not ex. I firmly believe that stepson is thinking of his sister.
We have no further children not for want of trying.
There have been two contacts with social workers/ mediums one very recently, telling my own daughter that she has half-siblings from her father but she has no interest.
Ex has never troubled us and I have only met her in passing but she is my cousin’s and neighbours’ dentist and they recommended her to me (they don’t know the connection although I told my cousin after).
Both step children and their partners are invited to wedding.
I might appear to be more reasoned in this post but I am distraught.
The fact that my husband sees them frequently still as adults and they both moved to London proves this.

I love this so much. Perfectly put.

You mentioned that your husband is already a grandad, is this by the son or daughter?

If it's the son and you say your husband had to meet the baby alone, do you think this could be the son actually stirring up problems?

If it's the daughter then wondering if the problem is actually you? I'm not saying you are a problem, but is that her grievance and this is actually aimed at your relationship and your daughters wedding is kind of a cover up as an 'issue' (I hope that makes sense)

Very well put.

@WickedMotherofthebride - what does your husband give as the reason for not wanting to talk to his daughter about all this?

The double standards here are crazy. If a Stepmum was going to walk her SD (who she'd essentially raised and who's mother had passed away) down the aisle but then Stepmum's DD said she wouldn't speak to her if she did it, the Stepmum would be utterly vilified for just ditching her SD!

No doubt there will have been hugely complex feelings for his children over the years, and their Father likely could have been a better support at the time so these things didn't build up. That isn't OP's fault, and it isn't her DD's fault either.

All too often the men "squirrel" and won't actually address anything difficult with their children, even if it is with the ultimate aim of improving the relationship. And surprise surprise, it sounds like this is what he is doing now.

The relationship with his DD will not be magically fixed if he doesn't walk his SD down the aisle.

@WickedMotherofthebride are you and DH able to discuss this yet?

Who are you accusing of having double standards? I’d have the same opinion if the DH in this scenario was a DW.

No one is saying the relationship will be magically fixed. Not walking his stepdaughter down the aisle will however prevent it from being irreparably harmed. In deciding not to act as father of the bride, he now has the opportunity to work on rebuilding and strengthening his relationship with his daughter instead of losing it.

I think fair play to you OP for trying to rationalise it.

It’s very hard to figure out the dynamic from what you’ve posted.

What I gather is that both of your step-kids and maybe more the son (unclear on that) have directed quite a bit of energy at demarking where you & DD stand.