Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

It is. People are very snobby about alternative post-16 qualifications. It’s like laughing at people for attending a former polytechnic or doing other qualifications than strictly academic one. They’re basically implying that she’s thick.

Yep that's exactly the response OP wanted by sharing that. I'm sure her daughter never said anything unkind about his kids when she was a teenager.

@the7Vabohe took his ex wife’s ultimatum at face value without discussing it with his wife, his daughter or his step daughter. Later on op discusses where her daughter wanted his surname which again was vetoed by his children with no discussion with the people it impacted. By giving in without discussion is the definition of appeasement. And it ruins families, creates huge divides and makes blended families impossible.

Well people were asking her whether there was any tension or falling out between these women. So it is relevant. Maybe the OP’s daughter also said some mean things. It is pretty nasty to give someone a nickname like that though.

Yep People were asking her and now whining when they dont like the answer

DD started unilaterally using his surname without discussing it with anyone. I understand why she did and I equally understand why his son has a reaction to it, It appears what actually happened was that DD continued doing it and it fizzled out. And if DH had decided he didn’t want her using it because it upset his son that is actually ok.

And it is something that distinguishes a child from step child and as some children had posted on this thread they needed that.

In this case I think it would be preferable that he had a discussion with his daughter but ultimately I think the greatest loyalty his owes is to his kids.

That's right. Same as HND (Higher National Diploma) is sometimes derisively referred to as 'Have No Degree'.

It's a Level 5 Qualification, higher than the Level 3 A Level and equal to Year 2 at undergraduate level (4 [Year 1] being the certificate stage, 5 [Year 2], diploma and 6 [Year 3] degree).

People are such snobs. OP's stepchildren don't sound at all pleasant people, but it's clear they are harbouring a huge amount of resentment. Were I in OP's DH's position, I'd want to unpick all that and work on improving it.

Edited for accuracy.

I think the 'Btec Betty' anecdote makes it much clearer why DH has immediately rolled over . The stepsiblings specifically want to hurt DD, not him, so won't change their minds. I wonder if there have been other bullying incidents that OP is unaware of.

Or collusion.

There’s a whole lot of history here that OP has barely scratched the surface of. I would imagine he didn’t take what his ex and son said at face value at all, but understood it within the wider, dysfunctional, context.

If it was important to him that his stepdaughter was considered his, and if he actually did consider her his, he could have stepped in at any point regarding the name, and the state of the relationships between her and his children, parents, and siblings. He chose not to. It’s easy, and arguably more complimentary to him, to put this down as him being weak and ultimately a victim of his children, but it could also be the case that actually, he has no problem with their attitude towards her, has no desire to stand up for her, and has never considered it something he’s needed to confront. He may be happy to play dad for the benefit of his relationship with OP, but that doesn’t mean he truly feels that way towards her. That she used and then dropped his name makes me think that she may not feel as secure in their relationship as OP thinks she does (which is why having those symbolic moments may be important to her, as a form of ‘proof’ that she is a daughter to him).

He may have went home ashen faced because he’s now found himself in a situation where he can’t be passive and dodge any accountability any more. He has to stand on his position and deal with the consequences for his home life. He has stood on his position - but it’s not a position shared with his wife and stepchild.

This family was divided since its inception.

She doesn't have to be 'his' to be walked down the aisle by him. Maybe he's ashen-faced because he's fond enough of her to be upset at her being crushed like this: it doesn't have to have deep significance.

They said it when they were teenagers behind her back.
It’s not nice but in order to bully her they’d have to had said it to her face. Whereas the OP said in person they were kind & polite.

It does suggest they resent her though.

Sure, it’s all just speculation.

It's the Mumsnet way! 😉

So he was an utterly crap dad to his biological children, whilst playing happy families with his new wife and her child. Why am I not surprised. Dinner out a couple of times a week isn't parenting. Favourite uncleing maybe, but not parenting. Sounds like his children played second fiddle for much of their childhoods, and this is just the final straw.

You’re not wrong 🫡

There's no dilemma then. OP and DD have nothing to reproach themselves with, and absolutely no control over the situation, so they'll just have to suck it up. I wouldn't return hostilities, either. It's much more satisfying to be super nice to people who go out of their way to spite you: it's really annoying for them.

I don’t think they’ve gone out of their way to spite her tbf. They have their feelings and they’ve expressed them - they clearly don’t like her, but if they wanted to directly go at her and OP they would have done. Instead they’ve gone to the person they’ve got the issue with. This is about them and their relationship with their father.

But yes, pretty much. Obviously it’s up to OP and depends on what she wants as an outcome, but if she wants minimal drama and to not risk her marriage then sucking it up and accepting it for what it is, is probably the best course of action. They aren’t going to change, and this will never be a close blended family.

It shouldn’t come at the expense of the children’s happiness and feelings of security, but most of the time it does. Selfish parent justify making their kids miserable because they ‘deserve happiness’ and ‘are allowed to move on’. It’s a form of emotional abuse and clearly from this thread it damages relationships and leaves lasting negative feelings well into adulthood.

Imagine the total confusion and furious backpedaling if one day a DNA text proved that SD wasn't, in fact, DH's biological daughter. All of the apologist arguments would fall apart and she'd just be a whiner in the blink of an eye.

I wonder what happens in families where 23andme has revealed that secret? Adult children everywhere being held to account. Unthinkable.

I mean I am confused. You say you would be disgusted if it was your dad but then admit you were lucky and you know not all families are like that.

I agree it’s probably not the way to find peace. However, The Op is talking about divorce. I am going to guess it’s not the first time. It seems extreme ultimatums are the norm in that family. Peace may not be an option.

Ops posts are extremely biased as well. Maybe it’s not about finding peace. Not everything is about finding peace.

Probably more adult children and fathers devastated that they were lied too rather than suddenly going well you had no right to expect dna type family privileges all those years.

Weird argument tbh though would once again prove that dna matters more than just being there when children are dropped after being raised for years then found to be another mans.

Kinda going against the whole step dad is her dad. Really a lot of the time men are worried about the child of the person they get to have sex with and keeping her in the good books so the bed open.

@InterIgnisreally insightful comment and why blended families are such an incredibly difficult family type to navigate well. But I think the centre of this issue is DH, without him guiding, building relationships, making decisions which benefit everyone success rate is just not possible.

my husband is slowly realising this, that making decisions without discussion, by not nurturing his relationships with individuals in the family the house of cards falls. It’s such a delicate balance and if not everyone is considered or challenged it’s not going to work.

She said she’d be disgusted if he didnt walk her stepsister down the aisle given that he helped raise her.

In the real world most people aren’t automatically miserable through having a blended family. I teach uni aged students, loads have blended families. I teach a module where they specifically have to talk about how they view their family and the vast majority speak very highly of stepparents and step siblings and very common for them to say they don’t care/dont see the lack of biological link. But on Mumsnet having a stepfamily is akin to child abuse and the worst and most selfish thing you could subject a child to. You must stay single until they have left home because they will despise their life otherwise.

I’m curious here just pondering the ratio of students at uni in step families vs nuclear. Also was the step a mum or dad.