Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

And people don’t snap out of childhood hurt because they are X age.

Most people come to terms with their hurt by the time they’re in their mid 30s. Either they adjust the relationship accordingly and reduce or cut contact or keep the parent at arms length if the hurt is too much to get over. Or they draw a line under it and have a civil relationship. It’s not normal for a woman in her 30s to issue childish ultimatums that you will stop speaking to your father if he does something nice for his stepdaughter. I could understand it from a 14 year old but not a 33 year old. She knows it will upset her stepsister.
and inevitably if he gives in to this one, there will be more. She will be devastated about all sorts of other things and then maybe in the end, the only option is for him to cut contact with his DSD if he wants to continue seeing his daughter. Maybe some people on here see that as a “win” but I think it’s very sad that someone would be that vindictive.

The way the whole thing has been communicated is odd but we don’t really know what all the relationship dynamics are.

Im a big believer in the inner child. I read recently about stuff coming out in ways akin to the screaming you weren’t allowed as a child (badly expressed!).

The SD’s base emotions towards the OP may be you & your daughter took my daddy. And as therapists say if we just sit with that without judgement. It doesn’t have to be “right” or “wrong” it’s emotion.

Sometimes coming from a place of understanding can really help a situation, instead of grow up, you’re too old, you need to share. What if it would help to acknowledge the SD’s devastation.

Why the fixation on cutting contact. Why can’t an adult child have emotions around their parent?

It’s almost like the DD has to step back and not express her feelings.

I’ve witnessed many a row around weddings, they bring up all sort of family tensions & issues.

And maybe 14 year old her never got to express her feeling and she observed social norms by being nice & polite. But cracks appeared around things like the surname thing with the son. Or the kids being caught slagging DD off.

The other stuff is speculation. OP has mentioned only two incidents - the son around the surname & now this.

Err she’s the one who says (apparently) that she will cut contact unless he does what she wants. Yes she can have emotions and she could even communicate those to her dad and maybe he would come to the independent conclusion that he doesn’t want to walk the DSD down the aisle. But cutting contact is very much what’s threatened.

But I struggling to understand what you are saying, it’s reads if I have it right as quite a binary thing (1) civil relationship or (2) reduce/cut contact.

I don’t see anything wrong with an adult having an ongoing relationship with their parents that isnt always harmonious. Why can’t people communicate how they feel?

I think everyone needs to grow up. He should walk your daughter down the aisle.

If he doesn't, and you'll "never forgive him" you're as bad as they are.

Of course they can but not in the way that it’s being communicated here. If he’s a shit dad, accept hes a shit dad and move on. In therapy one of the major things they teach is that we can’t change other people, just how we react to them. So if he’s such a shit dad that she doesn’t want him in her life, don’t have him in your life but own that. Don’t try to force his hand in one isolated situation by threatening to cut contact unless he does what you want. That’s manipulation and clearly has caused the dad stress.
Or communicate to him that you’re not happy and see what he says and whether you can reach an understanding.

Looking back at your OP you come across as quite controlling. You tracked his phone while he was out with his ex? He’d never met up with her in 22 years of marriage to you but you were so desperate to know what was going on you needed to check where he was? That sounds quite unhinged to me. My mum was a second wife. If my dad had said his ex wanted to meet up to talk I think she would have immediately worried that one of his children was ill or in trouble and would have wished him luck and then been available to talk afterwards. She wouldn’t have tracked his location.

And if he’d come back upset because of demands placed on him she would have tried to help, not make her own demands. You husband is upset because he is being pulled between two ‘daughters’ he loves and your initial reaction is ‘well if you don’t do as I say you’ll lose me too?’ I cannot understand that.

I do wonder if the kids not wanting to stay over was because of your behaviour towards them. When he took them out for dinner as children did you insist he be home by a certain time?

I’m struggling with the binary nature of it.

I agree though it’s not the way to communicate the message. But her mother did it not her. Also I do wonder what else was said by her mother that the DH is so fuzzy about.

Sometimes a shock like this one makes a person realise they have been shit and that they haven’t treated someone they claim to love how they should have. The fear of losing them makes them reevaluate their own behaviour.

Plus again the daughter haven’t told the dad she’s just waiting to see if he is going to treat ops daughter as if she is his own again and then cut herself off or not. HER mother is the one who’s given dad the heads up that this is her breaking point of giving up on him. Backed up with confirmation from the brother.

For all we know the daughter will be pissed mums gone and told on her and that dads choice isn’t actually organic.

I was thinking about it while ultimatums generally aren’t a good thing if one of my kids was thinking up themselves if she does X I’ll cut her I’d want a heads-up.

Again though I wonder what was said in that conversation that the DH is ashen fizzy & took to the drink.

I think the issue of separation has evolved due to your DHs attitude. By not speaking to his daughter and son, by appeasing them, by not reassuring that change isn’t a bad thing that their relationship is strong has done both them and you a disservice.

I have a similar blended family situation but my children are a lot younger. We have had similar issues where my DH has gone along with commands from his ex, not because they are the right choices that will benefit everyone but for an easy life. I have been very forthright in my opinion about these things and told gim the implications on his whole family for each time he said yes to something wholeheartedly unreasonable. When I read your op I thought this could happen exactly to me in years to come. I showed him this we discussed the heartbreak it would cause and the division of the family. I said would you allow your daughter and ex to divide the family down these lines? Because your past behaviour suggests you would. It was such a wake up call for him. He now realises how much appeasement can destroy families. I hope in the future his words turn into actions.

its your DH with the problem and he needs to recognise this otherwise I can’t see how your family unit can be anything but divided. Best of luck x

Im talking about the mental gymnastics
"you knew he had a kid when you got with him You are family "why cant you look after the kids"

vs here.
"she isnt his daughter anyway"
Its the usual double standard and heres another one "She isnt his daughter" yet in the next breath. "is the stepdaughter invited to the wedding"

This is the best post of the thread. A couple of dinners is not parenting.

Then he is willing to rub salt in the wound and raise another child instead.

The ovaries should shrivel.

Where’s the evidence the DH has appeased his children?

What type of things does your DH go along with?

Or can't DD and her husband to be just walk together? who needs to be 'given away' anyway nowadays

Agreed. My dd's wedding her own father didn't give her away. Bride and Groom walked in together. Either that or OP could 'give her away' Plenty of Mums do this.

Your husband needs to phone his adult daughter and arrange to meet. He needs to have a conversation with her. She is a grown up. Your husband is a grown up and shouls be able to articulate his wishes with his daughter. Once they hear each other's point of view there will be far more clarity.

Everyone here needs to stop playing Chinese whispers and actually talk!

What is your DH's relationship like with his kids as adults? How often do they see each other? How often do they talk? I have this feeling they don't talk all that often.

Your dh has really unkind kids. I say kids because they're acting like spoilt little babies. I'd be disgusted with the way they have been with your daughter. Disgusted.

If only emotions were so cut and dried. She does want him in her life - he’s her father and she loves him. She may be angry at him and hurt by his actions, but that doesn’t mean she’s ready to walk away from him, or that she doesn’t badly want to feel valued and loved by her father.

Usually there’s a point of no return that people will reach before they give up hope that a relationship can be salvaged. Him choosing to act as his stepdaughter’s father at her wedding would be his daughter’s point of no return, and she’s communicated that to her mother and brother. The fact that she hasn’t told her father would suggest that she isn’t trying to force his hand, or manipulate him. She was choosing to wait and see what he would do of his own volition.

If the father had remained none the wiser and gone ahead, and his daughter had walked away as a result, she’d still be getting blamed by some for not speaking to him beforehand and making him aware of how she felt 🤷🏻‍♀️

I never expected to be thought of the same as my step parents children. I wanted to be treated like you treat any child you're responsible for, making sure they're fed, looked after, clean clothes, got what I needed for school, but never would I expect emotionally to be on the same level as their actual children. I don't think that's unreasonable.

I respected them having time together without me too, without anyone having to ask.

OP, I would respect his wishes here and not try and get involved by calling his daughter yourself, or by pressuring him to do so.

There’s years of hurt behind this, and confronting it head on has the potential to set off a proverbial bomb. Ignoring his wishes could wreck your marriage, which despite your earlier statement you may not want. Your own daughter is weeks away from getting married and unaware as to what’s going on, but she’s unlikely to remain oblivious if it does blow up and she sees her mother’s marriage disintegrate in the run up to hers, because of hers bringing issues to a head.

Of course it could come out anyway if she insists on wanting your husband to walk her down the aisle. It’s obviously not an easy situation, but it’s one that it’s wiser to approach with caution imo.

Btec Betty? What a vile comment

Not from UK so had to google that. So Btec is a 3rd level qualification right? Not sure why its an insult

I’m not from the UK either but I’d assume it’s because it’s seen as lesser than other things.