Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

She hasn’t given her dad any ultimatum.

She’s told her mother and clearly brother that if her dad does this thing she’s done with him.

They have relayed it to him.

This is clearly a camels back not a horrible brat situation. She’s fed up of being the second best daughter when she’s actually his only daughter.

In your eyes maybe it does, but the fact remains that he is neither legally nor biologically her father, and when it came down to him having to choose, he chose his daughter. That would suggest that no, he didn’t and doesn’t consider them to be the same in his eyes.

Evil? 😂😂😂

You are not unreasonable to be upset. It seems a very strange stance from your stepdaughter. I think you are going too far to say you’d divorce your husband though. None of this is of his doing and he sounds as upset as any of you. Your first instinct is to protect your child, you must understand he also wants to protect his relationship with his child. Agree with others, give your daughter away yourself. It is more meaningful anyway as her primary parent.

Do you realise people can love their step kids as their own right ? My husband has a step son from
his previous marriage that he lived since he was 4 until he was 14 , this now adult young men is just as part of our life’s as his biological son , treated as his son , loved like his son , when questioned how many sons he has he says 2 not 1 . His love is no different.

YANBU for feeling upset, angry, hurt etc or for worrying about how your daughter will feel.

YABU for emotionally blackmailing a man who is already being emotionally blackmailed.

You want him to accept that his daughter will disown him and just pick your daughter over SD. That is hugely unreasonable.

You should walk her down the aisle

Put his biological child and his step son in extreme danger at the same time… I’d put a lot of money on your husband prioritising saving his biological son first.

His daughter and family are being daft but have probably got him over a barrel.
I totally understand how upset you must be as I would be too but this might be the time to be a bigger person and walk your daughter down the aisle yourself. A few of my friends have done this for their daughters.
Will husband do a speech or is he banned from that also?

A conversation needs to be had here with your stepdaughter. She needs to stop being jealous and silly over this. Your daughter will be hurt. Your husband's upset. You are upset. And all she wants is to get her own way. Your husband can perhaps talk to her and say 'I'll walk both of you down the aisle, or neither of you.' This should be a happy occasion and instead stepdaughter is using it to pull rank. Very unkind. I take it there's a touch of animosity between the two girls?

True , hence why I think there is no coming back from this and op will eventually end her marriage . I would , I would never be able to love him the same way again let alone carry on as normal

Is there a reason he hasn't adopted her?

She could walk down the aisle with you or the groom to be, or just with bridesmaids. Assume stepdaughter isn't a bridesmaid.

No it’s not. This poor woman who has been sidelined by her father has done nothing except share her feelings of hurt with her mother and brother. The fact that she hasn’t said anything herself shows she’s aware some small minded people wouldn’t be able to understand where she’s coming from.

And in a lot of situations if doesn’t matter. If a guy has step kids and no other kids and he sees them as akin to bio kids great. Can only be a positive really.

Guarantee it otherwise his actually a shit dad.

I’d protect my own before anyone else’s even if I loved them.

I honestly can’t grasp that mentality , no wonder adopting is so hard with so many people equating dna with love . I’m so glad I found someone that is not that way and neither am I .

I think that’s the situation where it tends to work out ok.

If the step parent doesn’t have their own children. But otherwise they end up even without thinking about it day to day putting their steps above just by being there with them.

Not the same situation.

Your sons probably live full time with their father, whereas the stepson sees him occasionally/part time.

Imagine if your husband never did anything with your sons, never played sports with them, never taught them to ride bikes, never took them to football games, but instead lived with his stepson full time and they had to watch him do that with him. How would you expect them to feel?

What you can’t grasp is they are both his ! I pity people who cannot actually realise some are capable of that .

Why because he didn’t prioritise the feelings of his own daughter?! DD has already had DH play the role of father while his daughter had to watch from a distance. Could you not be sensitive to that?

I feel really sad for everyone involved. Your DH is in the worst position. Why was the news delivered by his ex rather than his daughter?

I wouldn't give a threat to him like divorce since he did not bring this upon himself, and it will only make you be as bad as his ex. Instead, I'd have your daughter directly appeal to him and have you both explain to him what he means to you both and what this would mean to your daughter.

If you've been married to him since your daughter was eight, and this is the only father she's known since then, and if her bio dad has died, then DH's daughter is being completely heartless and immature.

He has a special role in your daughter's life, and she's asked him to walk her down the aisle. His daughter will have her moment, too, and it will be different but also special, because he is her biological father and she has her own relationship with him.

i suspect though… you know I’m right. Your dh would save his biological child first

you have step children

is this how you feel? Love them as your own?

I don’t think DH’s daughter will stand by her threat. She will sulk and then get over it.

These step family threads always go the same way. A mother has a child with a useless man. She marries and the new husband takes in the paternal role that was left vacant by useless man.

The Wife assumes that everyone in the husbands life will be 100% happy with this new arrangement.

Problems then arise if the husbands parents don’t see the new child as their grandchild, or the husbands children aren’t happy that their dad is suddenly parenting a new child 100% of the time when them (his actual children) only see him at weekends.

Some Families do the blending very well - but some don’t. I wouldn’t be surprised if the daughter has a long list of grievances about how her dad prioritized (in her mind) this new step daughter over her.

I can see how OP wanted her new husband to be an instant dad for her daughter. But I hope this dad ensured he was a fair as possible and ensured he prioritized his own children.

You walk her down the aisle !

They are both his, agreed

but that doesn’t mean that when push came to shove, in a burning building, he would not save his biological child before his step child.

He absolutely would do just that