Page 13 | Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

WickedMotherofthebride · 2025-04-29T13:00:20+00:00

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after. For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen. Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son. I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was. My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad. At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died. She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad. Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells. My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't. The wedding is in 18 weeks.

Crazyworldmum · 29/04/2025 18:37

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 18:03

Id feel free to say plenty to my father as an adult if I felt he’d spent my childhood acting as father to another girl.

I assume SD objects to walking down the aisle as it’s a father of the bride role. Other stuff doesn’t have the same symbolism.

DD had a deadbeat dad, so she gained a dad. Which is great. But he wasn’t an unattached man, he already had a daughter. So DD gained a full time dad and SD lost one. And that is hella complicated.

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That excuse would be acceptable if we where talking teens or a young child . This is a very adult woman choosing not to understand

Bellyblueboy · 29/04/2025 18:37

Your husband need to do some work to understand why his daughter feels this way.

What age was she when he moved in full time with another little girl? How much time did she get to spend with him versus your daughter? Did he put work in at the time to ensure she didn’t feel replaced?

I can see how she might find this challenging. It’s such a big father daughter moment. She clearly see herself as his only daughter and this should be something only hey have.

also it has highlighted she doesn’t think of your daughter as her sister.

i can see how him coming along was wonderful for your daughter - but this woman might see your daughters gain as her loss. And as far as she is concerned his is her dad - not your daughters.

I'm not saying she is right of course - but she feels what she feels. you can’t just wave a magic wand and erase these big emotions and pretend everyone is delighted with the blended family.

hopefully she will cool down and come to accept her dad’s role in your daughters life. But your husband really should approach this with an open mind and listen to her grievances- which are probably routed in her feeling replaced by your daughter who got more of her dad than she did.

HowToBuy · 29/04/2025 18:38

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 18:33

And why doesn’t the Op care about why the SD feels this strongly?!

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Anyone who thought properly about the situation knows why the OPs SD is upset. OP should know and be more empathetic imo.

OPs SD hasn’t been married yet, so if/when she does, her father has already walked a step child down the aisle… that’s such a special moment for many fathers and daughters. Is he also going to do a father/daughter dance with his SD? Make a father of the bride speech for the SD? I mean, all of these would hurt me massively. Maybe others wouldn’t care, but many people would be upset by this, and understandably so.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 18:38

Yeah, this may not be a case of the daughter sending in messengers or levying ultimatums at all. She could very well have been sitting back and waiting to see what he would do of his own volition, and then act accordingly. No demands or drama, just choosing to walk away if he went ahead. The ex and his son may very well have decided themselves to step in to forewarn him

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 18:39

Crazyworldmum · 29/04/2025 18:37

That excuse would be acceptable if we where talking teens or a young child . This is a very adult woman choosing not to understand

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Not to understand what?

muggart · 29/04/2025 18:40

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 18:31

It screams abandoned child to me

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How can that be when she has 2 parents pandering to her and her DF is, in a heartbeat, willing to actually reject the SD he raised from childhood- a child who actually did experience abandonment of a father figure? If the mother was telling the truth, she is manufacturing a repeat of her step sister’s childhood trauma for her ahead of her wedding day. Unless there is one hell of a backstory where the bride basically abused her as a child then this is bordering on evil imo.

Crazyworldmum · 29/04/2025 18:40

LucyMonth · 29/04/2025 18:08

Your ultimatum doesn’t make sense OP.

Divorce your DH over this and a) your DD still doesn’t have him walking her down the aisle and b) she now no longer has her step dad in her life.

The alternative is he chooses his second wife over his own DD. Also not good.

He really needs to have an honest conversation with his DD about why this is so hard for her. Instead of being angry and flinging ultimatums around, a little understanding. Blended families rarely work. Your parents separating follows you for the rest of your life. Every major event in your life becomes fraught, as you are now discovering.

If this man has raised your DD as his own after you fucked around and found out with a stoner then he is a good man. You’d be mad to divorce him over something like this.

Something like this ? So you think it’s a huge thing to the daughter but the step daughter just has to understand ? Dou bow standards . If my husband did this after 22 year of being a father to my daughter I could never go back to loving him the same way .willingly or not it would be over

CopperWhite · 29/04/2025 18:41

therealtrunchbull · 29/04/2025 18:24

He’s not making his own DD feel like shit. She’s making everyone else feel like shit, and tainting OP’s wedding, as a result of her own self indulgence.

I genuinely would feel proud that my dad had been asked to walk anyone down the aisle. He’s a good man who is loved by many and I would see this as a reflection of how kind he had been and how highly regarded he had been by the bride. Step, friend, colleague - whoever it was. I’m glad I was not raised to be as mean spirited and indulged as the DD in this thread.

He obviously has made her feel shit, or her mother and brother wouldn’t have felt the need to go out of their way to try and stop it.

Like I said in an earlier post, I was very lucky that a friend allowed me to ‘borrow’ her Dad to walk me down the aisle so I completely agree with your sentiment, but the difference is that both you and my friend probably feel very secure in how much their father loves and prioritises them. Sadly the same can’t be said for the OPs step daughter.

MzHz · 29/04/2025 18:42

Has this been fact checked? Is this coming from the ex or the dd?

@WickedMotherofthebride your h needs to speak to his dd.

he also needs to tell her that ultimatums don’t work and she has no right to demand what anyone does.

but I think you should walk her down the aisle.

Crazyworldmum · 29/04/2025 18:43

HowToBuy · 29/04/2025 18:38

Anyone who thought properly about the situation knows why the OPs SD is upset. OP should know and be more empathetic imo.

OPs SD hasn’t been married yet, so if/when she does, her father has already walked a step child down the aisle… that’s such a special moment for many fathers and daughters. Is he also going to do a father/daughter dance with his SD? Make a father of the bride speech for the SD? I mean, all of these would hurt me massively. Maybe others wouldn’t care, but many people would be upset by this, and understandably so.

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I have a sister , so you think it will
be less special because my dad did it before ? I doubt it ! In fact I know it won’t . I have 3 kids and I loved them equality in every milestone of their life and I’m just as excited with every milestone doesn’t matter if it was from my oldest or my youngest

Diarygirlqueen · 29/04/2025 18:44

I think you're being unreasonable not giving more details. Did you get together from an affair? How is the relationship between the children? Does he have a good relationship with his daughter? They all make a difference to the responses.
You're immature and emotionally manipulative threatening to divorce him.

SerafinasGoose · 29/04/2025 18:44

therealtrunchbull · 29/04/2025 17:48

It is so unbelievably callous for some posters to be saying ‘he isn’t her dad and never will be’. Really sticking the knife in, and getting a little kick out of it.

As if it isn’t hurtful enough for the DD to already be facing the big fuck you of ‘my REAL daughter doesn’t want me to walk you down the aisle so I won’t be’. It’s really going to show DD exactly where she stands.

It’s not as if you can only walk one woman down the aisle ever, so it has no impact on him one day walking his DD down the aisle (not that she’s even engaged).

I have a DS but if he was in this situation in the future and my DP wouldn’t walk him down the aisle because his DD said so, I would also divorce him. You either commit to being a dad when you say you are going to, or you don’t. Blood related or not. The poor girl has already been abandoned by one dad who is now dead, why isn’t anyone putting themselves in her shoes? This would impact her so, so much more than the SD. But I guess SC are untouchable on here, no matter how incredibly badly they behave.

I agree with a lot of what you say. I also believe that the biological daughter has behaved atrociously, that ultimatums are a particularly low and cruel form of emotional blackmail, and that anyone who makes one fully deserves to have it backfire. Probably the right thing to do is refuse to capitulate and say he's sorry about any decisions she makes, but these are fully her choice and he hopes she'll come around. Or, better still, take her mother out of the picture and have a proper, heart-to-heart talk with her and get to the root of whatever may be behind this attitude. Ultimately, however, this decision would have to be his.

'Do what I want or I'll go NC' is cruel and grubby, and this is what this man's daughter and now his wife have done to him. DD's behaviour was awful (that's assuming her mother is being completely truthful), but OP has now hit him with precisely the same (no less awful) behaviour. He must feel as though his head's on backwards, and either way he's damned to lose someone dear to him. He must wonder if either of them actually loves him. I'm sorry for the poor bloke.

To me, however, the whole thing is moot, as I can't abide the silly social diktat that a woman requires walking into her new marriage by a male relation. Fair enough if that really is what some want, but it's as though the option of walking in alone or with her mother, the woman who actually gave birth to her, doesn't even occur to them.

It's 2025.

HowToBuy · 29/04/2025 18:44

CopperWhite · 29/04/2025 18:41

He obviously has made her feel shit, or her mother and brother wouldn’t have felt the need to go out of their way to try and stop it.

Like I said in an earlier post, I was very lucky that a friend allowed me to ‘borrow’ her Dad to walk me down the aisle so I completely agree with your sentiment, but the difference is that both you and my friend probably feel very secure in how much their father loves and prioritises them. Sadly the same can’t be said for the OPs step daughter.

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Out of interest @CopperWhitehad the friend you borrowed the father from for your wedding been married already? Just wondering had he already done those traditional ‘firsts’ like walking down the aisle, FOB speech, father/daughter dance etc with her already?

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 18:44

muggart · 29/04/2025 18:40

How can that be when she has 2 parents pandering to her and her DF is, in a heartbeat, willing to actually reject the SD he raised from childhood- a child who actually did experience abandonment of a father figure? If the mother was telling the truth, she is manufacturing a repeat of her step sister’s childhood trauma for her ahead of her wedding day. Unless there is one hell of a backstory where the bride basically abused her as a child then this is bordering on evil imo.

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His child experienced her parents splitting up. DD may have had her bio father leave her but DH has been a full him live in father figure to her. Meanwhile SD has a part time dad.

SerafinasGoose · 29/04/2025 18:44

MzHz · 29/04/2025 18:42

Has this been fact checked? Is this coming from the ex or the dd?

@WickedMotherofthebride your h needs to speak to his dd.

he also needs to tell her that ultimatums don’t work and she has no right to demand what anyone does.

but I think you should walk her down the aisle.

Agreed.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 18:45

muggart · 29/04/2025 18:40

How can that be when she has 2 parents pandering to her and her DF is, in a heartbeat, willing to actually reject the SD he raised from childhood- a child who actually did experience abandonment of a father figure? If the mother was telling the truth, she is manufacturing a repeat of her step sister’s childhood trauma for her ahead of her wedding day. Unless there is one hell of a backstory where the bride basically abused her as a child then this is bordering on evil imo.

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Because she does 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s his daughter, he loves her, and he’s not willing to lose his relationship with her for the sake of walking OP’s DD down the aisle.

She may be a spoilt brat who believes she should get everything her way (although I suspect that if this were the case, her father would never have acted as a father to OP’s DD for fear of upsetting her in the first place), or she may have spent her life feeling replaced in her father’s affections by the girl he acted as a full time father to. We don’t know. Regardless, she feels as she feels, and her father isn’t willing to lose her.

HowToBuy · 29/04/2025 18:46

Crazyworldmum · 29/04/2025 18:43

I have a sister , so you think it will
be less special because my dad did it before ? I doubt it ! In fact I know it won’t . I have 3 kids and I loved them equality in every milestone of their life and I’m just as excited with every milestone doesn’t matter if it was from my oldest or my youngest

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There’s a difference between doing it for your biological sisters before you and doing it for a child who the daughter may feel she already lost so much of her father to don’t you think?

he doesn’t need to do this, her mother can walk her down the aisle, make a speech, do the dance etc.

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 18:48

Crazyworldmum · 29/04/2025 18:43

I have a sister , so you think it will
be less special because my dad did it before ? I doubt it ! In fact I know it won’t . I have 3 kids and I loved them equality in every milestone of their life and I’m just as excited with every milestone doesn’t matter if it was from my oldest or my youngest

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That isn’t the situation here. She doesn’t have a sister, and her dad only has one daughter.

CopperWhite · 29/04/2025 18:48

muggart · 29/04/2025 18:40

How can that be when she has 2 parents pandering to her and her DF is, in a heartbeat, willing to actually reject the SD he raised from childhood- a child who actually did experience abandonment of a father figure? If the mother was telling the truth, she is manufacturing a repeat of her step sister’s childhood trauma for her ahead of her wedding day. Unless there is one hell of a backstory where the bride basically abused her as a child then this is bordering on evil imo.

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Evil? Seriously? 🙄

How does she have 2 parents pandering to her when one has had to go through the awkward process of inviting their ex round because they were so worried about her and the other had to go to the pub when confronted with the reality that he has allowed his daughter to feel insecure, hurt and jealous because of his choices and lack of action?

the7Vabo · 29/04/2025 18:48

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 18:45

Because she does 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s his daughter, he loves her, and he’s not willing to lose his relationship with her for the sake of walking OP’s DD down the aisle.

She may be a spoilt brat who believes she should get everything her way (although I suspect that if this were the case, her father would never have acted as a father to OP’s DD for fear of upsetting her in the first place), or she may have spent her life feeling replaced in her father’s affections by the girl he acted as a full time father to. We don’t know. Regardless, she feels as she feels, and her father isn’t willing to lose her.

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Nor should he be. She and her brother should be his no.1 and should have been since the day they were born.

Alevel2 · 29/04/2025 18:49

while I can imagine this is upsetting - asking him to choose between his daughter and your opinion is not very fair.

CopperWhite · 29/04/2025 18:49

muggart · 29/04/2025 18:40

How can that be when she has 2 parents pandering to her and her DF is, in a heartbeat, willing to actually reject the SD he raised from childhood- a child who actually did experience abandonment of a father figure? If the mother was telling the truth, she is manufacturing a repeat of her step sister’s childhood trauma for her ahead of her wedding day. Unless there is one hell of a backstory where the bride basically abused her as a child then this is bordering on evil imo.

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Evil? Seriously? 🙄

How does she have 2 parents pandering to her when one has had to go through the awkward process of inviting their ex round because they were so worried about her and the other had to go to the pub when confronted with the reality that he has allowed his daughter to feel insecure, hurt and jealous because of his choices and lack of action?

If I was about to blindly do something that hurt my child, I’d be thankful for someone telling me.

Crazyworldmum · 29/04/2025 18:51

InterIgnis · 29/04/2025 18:48

That isn’t the situation here. She doesn’t have a sister, and her dad only has one daughter.

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it is the same thing for me and clearly it was , until now , the same for the step daughter . 22 years in a child life imo makes them a child no matter what dna they have .

Crazyworldmum · 29/04/2025 18:52

CopperWhite · 29/04/2025 18:49

Evil? Seriously? 🙄

How does she have 2 parents pandering to her when one has had to go through the awkward process of inviting their ex round because they were so worried about her and the other had to go to the pub when confronted with the reality that he has allowed his daughter to feel insecure, hurt and jealous because of his choices and lack of action?

If I was about to blindly do something that hurt my child, I’d be thankful for someone telling me.

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Do you flakes this is a very grownup woman right ? Not a child or a teen ? It is evil to give her dad this ultimatum

MonsteraDelicious · 29/04/2025 18:53

This is about his relationship with his daughter. You say he's like a dad to your DD, but what is his relationship and history like with his own DD? Why couldn't she have this conversation with him herself? Does she feel she has been replaced by your DD and if so is she justified in feeling that way?