To be uncomfortable with partner staying on a woman’s sofa?

[VanillaCremeXake]

Been with my partner for 2 years, living together for 1. Mostly perfect relationship, never had any issues and I do trust him. He doesn’t go out on nights out or anything like that (not that I’d mind if he did, just trying to add context). Overall I would say it’s a very healthy relationship.

He’s from a European country and all of his family live over there, he has no family over here except one cousin who he isn’t close to. About 5 years ago he met a woman who I will call Lucy at the gym. They both are interested in fitness and both have studied it, and are from the same country so they bonded. They pursued a friendship. Lucy was already in a relationship at this time. My partner said it was only ever platonic with Lucy and nothing ever happened. 3 years ago Lucy got pregnant and then her boyfriend left her so my partner supported her a bit with the baby. He is the godfather. I’ve met her a couple of times but we’re not particularly close.

A year ago, Lucy ended up moving to another country (different from their home country) and we’ve not seen her since but they keep in touch via text, mainly just updates on each others lives. She’s now got a new apartment and wants my partner to go over for a few days and she can show him around the city and spend time together etc. I was not mentioned.

Partner is considering going and I’m not comfortable. He’d be staying on her sofa. She only has a 1 bedroom apartment and she shares the bed with her toddler. They’d be going out for evening meals and I know she has a friend who she’s asked to have the child 1-2 nights so they can go out drinking for “old times sake” like they did before her pregnancy.

I’m uneasy about it. I do believe him when he said he’s never had sex with her before - maybe I am naive but having heard the full background of their friendship and the fact that they’ve mostly dated other people throughout the friendship, and having seen the dynamic of them together, I’m inclined to believe it. She also encouraged him with his relationship with me. However, I think it’s the principle of it, him leaving me to go and stay with another woman.

His argument is that I recently left him behind to go on a solo break to Spain. I had a week off work, some spare cash and fancied a trip away so went to Marbella for 4 nights to a spa hotel. I feel that this is different. Firstly, because he was invited. He declined to come as he didn’t want to spend the money (he’d recently had car trouble), but he encouraged me to go and have a nice time, which I appreciated. But the point is, I would’ve loved him to come and he’d have been so welcome, and he knew this. Secondly, I went solo to a spa hotel. Had I gone to stay in a male friend’s apartment, I don’t think he’d have liked it.

I’ve said to him that I’d never tell him not to go, but that if he goes he needs to accept it’s going to cause me anxiety and upset and he needs to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that. He said he could ask Lucy if I could come, but then I feel that would be awkward as she never mentioned me once in the invite. I know Lucy would probably feel that me being there would change the dynamic as they would no longer be able to converse in their native tongue and would have to speak English.

AIBU?

Also, she’s already booked the time off work, and she knows my partner has plenty of annual leave left.

Have you seen a picture of the child?

I knew I’d get a response like this and I can understand why you’ve asked. I’ve met the child briefly. Lucy and my partner are both white, Lucy’s ex is black (have seen a picture) and the child is mixed race.

I don’t know the right answer but my Dh wouldn’t even consider going because he wouldn’t see it as appropriate to be leaving his wife to go and spend time with another woman and to be honest that’s why he’s my husband.

I just wish he’d see how it makes me feel

This is simply weird behavior for someone in a relationship. Highly unlikely that he'd be sleeping on the couch. Tell him that he is free to do as he pleases but if he goes his bags will be placed on the doorstep for when he gets back. Please have some self respect and protect yourself from even worse trauma down the line.

This is what I’m tempted to tell him. So far I’ve been wanting him to realise for himself but he may need the ultimatum.

as far as I’m concerned if he goes I don’t want him

It wouldn't bother me hugely. The way I see it is if my partner is going to cheat, he'll cheat regardless of whether he's by my side all the time or not.

It's a trust thing, you trust him or you don't and if you don't (maybe with good reason), then you shouldn't be together.

That said, it strikes me as odd that he didn't have money to go on holiday with you but manages to find money to go on holiday to her? I know there may be a passage of time but can he afford to go on the next holiday with you or will he be broke from holidaying with her?

I see both sides here. This is a long standing friendship that pre-dates your relationship and that is close enough he is godfather to her child. So while I udnerstand why you feel uncomfortable, I also think that either you trust that this friendship is just that - a friendship - or you don't. And if you don't, he has every right to be upset about that.

What nonsense. Cheating comes from opportunities. People who value their relationship keep boundaries in place.

I don't really think anyone is in the wrong. You're entitled to feel uneasy about it but it doesn't sound like he's given you any reason not to trust him and this is a long standing friendship.

I'd end the relationship if he went,.it's clear he prioritises the friendship over healthy boundaries.

If he valued your relationship you would both be going and you would both be staying in a hotel and seeing her in the daytime.

Would it make any difference of he went there but slept in a hotel, but spends all his time with her? Surely if he won't cheat, crashing on the couch can't really be the actual problem?
It sounds more like you're concerned they might be having an emotional affair?

You did go away alone, and could've slept with dozens of people, either sexually or just crashed in the same bed. It does seem a bit double standards to say he shouldn't go visit his friend.

One of my oldest friends is a man. I prioritise my DH. But, if he lived in another country and the opportunity to spend a few days in his new home came up and DH told me that I didn' thave healthy boundaries, I'd take a pretty dim view of that.

The more I think about this, the more I think the ONLY isse is that you are specifically excluded. My close friend and I spend most of the time we see each other alone but it wouldn't occur to either one of us, for example, to say that our respective partners couldn't join us. But if she's young, a single mum and looking forward to catching up with her friend, I can see why not having two adults sleeping in her lounge and making her feel like a third wheel is appealing.

I think the time to complain was when he was made god parent to the child. It’s odd to be a god parent and not have some sort of contact.

Why haven’t you been asked to go to?

YABU. You're trying to stop him seeing a friend - that predates you - because you're jealous.

If you think he's going to sleep with her then the relationship is already over. If you don't, and you trust him, then you're being petty and spiteful for the sake of it or to 'win' over another woman.

In your opinion.

People will boundaries don't cheat. I've had plenty of opportunities to cheat, that doesn't mean I've taken them. Opportunities to cheat are everywhere.

I’ve said to him that I’d never tell him not to go, but that if he goes he needs to accept it’s going to cause me anxiety and upset and he needs to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that.

This is ridiculous tbh. What does that even mean? You're allowed to shout at him? Throw stuff? Give him the silent treatment?

Just tell him that his options are - go, and take you, don't go, or go alone and your relationship is over, his choice. Be absolutely transparent.

Giving thinly veiled threats about consequences if he doesn't do what you want, while telling him that you're not telling him what to do, is pretty childish.

I’d go happily without complaint had I been invited.

I disagree with a lot of the other responses - I think you’re being unreasonable. They have a long standing platonic friendship. Either you trust him, in which case it should be fine, or you don’t which indicates bigger problems in the relationship. You can feel however you feel but if you stop him going, either by insisting or by guilt tripping, I think he would be right to be very upset and question your relationship.

Either you trust him or you don't. Their friendship pre-dates your relationship and he is the Godfather to this child. You knew all of this going into your relationship. He trusted you to go on holiday by yourself where you could have met and had sex with several men.

I will say that it is lovely to just spend time with a friend and not have their bloody partner with them especially if it is me on my own, leaving Dh behind, and them being a couple. You are not joined at the hip and he should be able to meet up with his mate without you being there.

Cheating comes from opportunities

I agree with this 100%
She's already arranged childcare for a couple of the nights. They'll both be drinking. It would be easy for them to be swept up in the moment.

I think it's a very black and white view to say either you trust your partner or you don't. Someone can be trustworthy, but still make a mistake. Doesn't mean the trust was misplaced or that it was inevitable they would cheat. We're human beings and people make mistakes.

He knows you're uncomfortable with this so if he goes regardless, that tells you he values her more than you. I think it's quite rude of her to only invite him, knowing he has a partner. I wouldn't do that.

If you think he's going to shag other women if you don't keep him under control - why on earth do you want to be with him?

I’ve said to him that I’d never tell him not to go, but that if he goes he needs to accept it’s going to cause me anxiety and upset and he needs to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that.

This is emotional blackmail...

Exactly. It’s not as simple as “If you think he’ll shag her then why are you with him?”.

There’s so much more to it than that. What will it look like to my friends and family if I tell them? They’d think I was a mug. It’s also hurtful he declined a holiday with me due to finances but can find the money for her.

If she was over here I’d have no issue with them going for a night out, but I think a week staying with her is just too much.