Been with my partner for 2 years, living together for 1. Mostly perfect relationship, never had any issues and I do trust him. He doesn’t go out on nights out or anything like that (not that I’d mind if he did, just trying to add context). Overall I would say it’s a very healthy relationship.
He’s from a European country and all of his family live over there, he has no family over here except one cousin who he isn’t close to. About 5 years ago he met a woman who I will call Lucy at the gym. They both are interested in fitness and both have studied it, and are from the same country so they bonded. They pursued a friendship. Lucy was already in a relationship at this time. My partner said it was only ever platonic with Lucy and nothing ever happened. 3 years ago Lucy got pregnant and then her boyfriend left her so my partner supported her a bit with the baby. He is the godfather. I’ve met her a couple of times but we’re not particularly close.
A year ago, Lucy ended up moving to another country (different from their home country) and we’ve not seen her since but they keep in touch via text, mainly just updates on each others lives. She’s now got a new apartment and wants my partner to go over for a few days and she can show him around the city and spend time together etc. I was not mentioned.
Partner is considering going and I’m not comfortable. He’d be staying on her sofa. She only has a 1 bedroom apartment and she shares the bed with her toddler. They’d be going out for evening meals and I know she has a friend who she’s asked to have the child 1-2 nights so they can go out drinking for “old times sake” like they did before her pregnancy.
I’m uneasy about it. I do believe him when he said he’s never had sex with her before - maybe I am naive but having heard the full background of their friendship and the fact that they’ve mostly dated other people throughout the friendship, and having seen the dynamic of them together, I’m inclined to believe it. She also encouraged him with his relationship with me. However, I think it’s the principle of it, him leaving me to go and stay with another woman.
His argument is that I recently left him behind to go on a solo break to Spain. I had a week off work, some spare cash and fancied a trip away so went to Marbella for 4 nights to a spa hotel. I feel that this is different. Firstly, because he was invited. He declined to come as he didn’t want to spend the money (he’d recently had car trouble), but he encouraged me to go and have a nice time, which I appreciated. But the point is, I would’ve loved him to come and he’d have been so welcome, and he knew this. Secondly, I went solo to a spa hotel. Had I gone to stay in a male friend’s apartment, I don’t think he’d have liked it.
I’ve said to him that I’d never tell him not to go, but that if he goes he needs to accept it’s going to cause me anxiety and upset and he needs to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that. He said he could ask Lucy if I could come, but then I feel that would be awkward as she never mentioned me once in the invite. I know Lucy would probably feel that me being there would change the dynamic as they would no longer be able to converse in their native tongue and would have to speak English.
AIBU?