To be uncomfortable with partner staying on a woman’s sofa?

[VanillaCremeXake]

Been with my partner for 2 years, living together for 1. Mostly perfect relationship, never had any issues and I do trust him. He doesn’t go out on nights out or anything like that (not that I’d mind if he did, just trying to add context). Overall I would say it’s a very healthy relationship.

He’s from a European country and all of his family live over there, he has no family over here except one cousin who he isn’t close to. About 5 years ago he met a woman who I will call Lucy at the gym. They both are interested in fitness and both have studied it, and are from the same country so they bonded. They pursued a friendship. Lucy was already in a relationship at this time. My partner said it was only ever platonic with Lucy and nothing ever happened. 3 years ago Lucy got pregnant and then her boyfriend left her so my partner supported her a bit with the baby. He is the godfather. I’ve met her a couple of times but we’re not particularly close.

A year ago, Lucy ended up moving to another country (different from their home country) and we’ve not seen her since but they keep in touch via text, mainly just updates on each others lives. She’s now got a new apartment and wants my partner to go over for a few days and she can show him around the city and spend time together etc. I was not mentioned.

Partner is considering going and I’m not comfortable. He’d be staying on her sofa. She only has a 1 bedroom apartment and she shares the bed with her toddler. They’d be going out for evening meals and I know she has a friend who she’s asked to have the child 1-2 nights so they can go out drinking for “old times sake” like they did before her pregnancy.

I’m uneasy about it. I do believe him when he said he’s never had sex with her before - maybe I am naive but having heard the full background of their friendship and the fact that they’ve mostly dated other people throughout the friendship, and having seen the dynamic of them together, I’m inclined to believe it. She also encouraged him with his relationship with me. However, I think it’s the principle of it, him leaving me to go and stay with another woman.

His argument is that I recently left him behind to go on a solo break to Spain. I had a week off work, some spare cash and fancied a trip away so went to Marbella for 4 nights to a spa hotel. I feel that this is different. Firstly, because he was invited. He declined to come as he didn’t want to spend the money (he’d recently had car trouble), but he encouraged me to go and have a nice time, which I appreciated. But the point is, I would’ve loved him to come and he’d have been so welcome, and he knew this. Secondly, I went solo to a spa hotel. Had I gone to stay in a male friend’s apartment, I don’t think he’d have liked it.

I’ve said to him that I’d never tell him not to go, but that if he goes he needs to accept it’s going to cause me anxiety and upset and he needs to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that. He said he could ask Lucy if I could come, but then I feel that would be awkward as she never mentioned me once in the invite. I know Lucy would probably feel that me being there would change the dynamic as they would no longer be able to converse in their native tongue and would have to speak English.

AIBU?

I’ve said to him that I’d never tell him not to go, but that if he goes he needs to accept it’s going to cause me anxiety and upset and he needs to be prepared to deal with the consequences of that.

That comes across quite manipulative.

You’re contradicting yourself because the second sentence of your post you say

never had any issues and I do trust him

so what’s the issue? You trust him so why is it a problem him going and staying with his friend?

To give you another perspective, if you were my friend or family member I'd take a dim view of you guilt tripping him over this. His friendship with her pre-dates you and you don't get to police how he conducts that friendship. It is emotional blackmail to tell him you'll be upset and insinuate you'll dump him if he goes.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with this OP. It’s not about trust but about appearances. If he’s staying there and then going out on the lash, people will assume they’re a couple. That would make me uneasy. If it were me, I’d have no issue at all with him going and having fun with his friend but I’d prefer him to get a hotel or an Airbnb. I think a healthy relationship has boundaries, things you will or won’t do in order to help your partner feel safe and secure.

So, she's not with her child's father, she's not in her home country, I bet being a single mother is getting wearing.

So she invites a man she already knows, who has already helped her, who already knows her child, who she doesn't regard as being in a serious or longstanding relationship, to show him how nice the city is, staying in her home not a hotel or Airbnb.

I wonder what her motivation could possibly be.

I wouldn't want my husband staying in an old female friends apartment abroad for a week either! We both have male/female friends but that we go out with separately - but spending the night (let alone 7 nights!) is weird in my opinion.

She only gets to be "a bit weird" about your relationship because he's letting her.

I wouldn't be at all happy in your shoes.

Definitely tell him.
I wouldn't put up with this, no women should x

Do you think he'd be in bed with her and the toddler?? In my experience toddlers who are used to bed-sharing are not inclined to quietly settle down elsewhere because Mum wants to get busy with her mate. All hell would break loose in my house if I tried that 😂

You should both have been invited. He shouldn’t even consider going alone and expecting you to be ok with it. Also the whole supporting her through the pregnancy stuff is odd. My partner has lots of female friends, but always honours our relationship above them and would never, ever do anything to the detriment of us.
For me, this would be, go, do whatever you need to do for you, but I won’t be about when you come back.

My partner wouldn't have asked as he would want to enjoy it with me & would have said we'll both visit and stay in a hotel nearby.
If it was a day out, or evening out in a pub that's different though.

If it’s something you feel uncomfortable with then your partner should take your feelings into consideration and respect them. It’s not really a case of whether you trust him or not, it’s about the respect you deserve in the relationship. If something makes you feel uncomfortable or vice versa, it should be addressed between both.

OP what is wrong with you? Why don't you just accept that other posters may have a different opinion to yours?
You are being extremely defensive and argumentative.

She knows what shes doing op. She’s using the pull of her child to get him there. Seems like she doesn’t want to be a single parent and knows she can work on this. Your dp is in a relationship and no one needs to tell him how inappropriate this is. This is a dealbreaker.

Doesn’t have the money to go away with you, but can spend a week with his friend?

Seems to think it’s acceptable to essentially ignore your existence and not invite you, as his friend doesn’t think your relationship counts yet?

Will use a week of annual leave to spend time with his friend, rather than you.

Will even consider doing all of this when you’ve made it clear it would upset you.

He sounds like a dick. It would be a bit off if the friend was male, but female is even worse.

I don’t know that it’s worth giving an ultimatum. Surely better to be with someone who respects and includes you in their holidays?

One of my oldest friends from school is male. He moved somewhere exotic, and said “You and DP must come and visit”. I’d go for dinner or to a gig etc with my friend without DP sometimes, but a flight and a week away seems crazy to exclude your partner.

What does it matter what other people think? How is that relevant? This is your life and not theirs.

I'm like the friend in this situation. My daughter's godfather lived with either my sister or myself for a total of 12 years (both before and after his divorce) and is regarded as family. We have never been attracted to each other, there have never been any indiscretions or even "nearly" events.

I chose him to be my daughter's godfather because I wanted him to be involved in her life and I imagine this friend is similar. If she lives overseas then there are not going to be many opportunities for that to happen.

Said friend has recently celebrated his 2nd wedding anniversary. I sometimes see him with current wife, new baby, older children but he has sometimes come alone to stay at my place. I did check it was ok with his partner and am grateful that she has enough trust to let us continue our important friendship. If she chose to insist that we did not see each other without her I would respect that fact but also be extremely disappointed.

Christ that’s a real jump isn’t it?! Most reasonable people wouldn’t do that in response to a partner disagreement. I read it as “consequences for the relationship” ie she would probably not want to be with him if he chooses to go, because she’s made it clear that’s her boundary and if he crosses it, she will be acting accordingly.

You think he'd act differently to he has for the past 2 years 🤷‍♀️

And the wording definitely has that vibe unfortunately, glad you did notice that initially

It's not a leap at all

That's what threats of "consequences" can be

I bet you wouldn't call it a stretch if it had been him saying it to her

I agree it CAN be in a small minority of relationships where people disagree but not for most reasonable people as I said. OP has given no indication her partner is either a manipulative prick usually or emotionally abusive, which is what that sort of extreme behaviour stems from. And yes, my answer would be the same if he had said it. My mind doesn’t immediately leap to self harm or suicide attempts. It leads to her/him walking away from the relationship.

I’m so very sorry for you that your life experience so far makes you immediately jump to that in your head.

It really is as simple as either you trust someone or you don't. If you don't, break up. Constantly controlling someone else's behaviour so they won't cheat you will have you on a hiding to nothing. Date someone you can relax around instead.

If he goes, he'd better take all his things because he would NOT be coming back to where I was.

He's taking a week's vacation to spend with another woman who knows he's in a relationship but won't invite you? Hon, she didn't invite you because he's likely told her this is not a serious thing.

"What will it look like to my friends and family if I tell them? They’d think I was a mug. It’s also hurtful he declined a holiday with me due to finances but can find the money for her."

That says it all. He found the money to go see her.

SHE is the one who I said was using emotional blackmail

Other people have agreed with me. The threat of consequences is emotional blackmail. Even if it s just "I'll break up with you "

if you’ve told him that him going will cause you anxiety and upset and he’s still going to go then you don’t mean as much to him as she does.

I think you're being wildly unreasonable. His friendship with her predates your relationship, and you barely know one another, so why would she invite you? They're old friends, from the same place, he's her child's godfather, they want to hang out and speak their own language for old times' sake.

I'm happily married, and have frequently in the past gone to stay with or on holiday with old male friends (though not on the sofa, as I'm fussy and have back issues).

Your insecurities are not his problem. You either trust him not to shag Lucy over the back of the sofa while the toddler is asleep in bed, or not. For what it's worth, there's no chastity belt like a one-bed flat and a toddler.