To not want my son to go and play at this boy's house

[PeaGreene]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but just wanted to talk it through really. Am I being over protective perhaps?

He seems a nice enough kid, if a little overpowering, but has always been pleasant enough with me. They're friends at school. He's been round to ours a couple of times and I've always wanted DS to have friends who live nearby, so I should be jumping at this chance. The boy is desperate for my DS to go and play round there too, but I just don't want DS to go.

I don't entirely trust the parents and I don't like how that makes me feel about myself. They seem to find the boy a complete handful, doesn't sit still, gets bored very easily. He's clearly done some very dangerous things which my DS just would never contemplate. Like cutting the vacuum cable with a pair of scissors. Whilst his mum was vacuuming. Just to see what would happen. And breaking a wall with a sledge hammer because he wanted to use the bricks for something.

I've only met her a couple of times and this does make me Mrs Judgey Pants par excellence, but when they were going today, she really couldn't get him to budge, and I ended up telling him myself to put the game down as it was time to go.

In my eyes, they've been quite lax about their son coming round to ours - didn't make a point of meeting us or checking who was collecting him from the door. the boy phoned us last week to ask if we could give him a lift to DS's birthday party, and when we collected him, he just left the house without his parents coming to see where he was off to. He's 7 by the way.

DS is quite sensible and "good" - not a great adventurer. this boy seems quite the opposite, and maybe DS would handle him and they'd be good for each other... but would I want to leave DS at their house for a couple of hours???? Really not sure I would.

I know they've had a really bad time lately. Health issues, money issues, have lived abroad which didn't work out. So I'm sure that hasn't helped them.

They've got a big dog which I'm sure DS would be scared of. i don't want to play on this cos DS needs to realise not all dogs are evil, but is that my excuse to put DS off?

OK. Tell me. Am I being overly precious?

But then again, there WAS a next time, so it was okay. And hers presumably are still sitting on some metaphorical picnic blanket worrying the edges and never scraping their knees or falling from great heights as a learning experience.

I think the boy sounds fab. I love confident, adventurous, experimental kids.
Sounds very much like my dh as a boy and like my brother was.
My ds is shaping up to be very similar, although is still a lot younger than this boy.
I have to keep a VERY close eye on him.

I agree yanbu to keep your boy away from their house though if you get the impression that the parents are not supervising closely enough.

On the other hand - I think it was that holiday when ds1 broke his toe.

Also it was that holiday when ds2 took off his shoe and stood in a cow pat to 'see what if felt like'.

She had a fit, and rushed for the antiseptic wipes and fairly reeled with horror.

And whilst I MIGHT have said 'Grrr ds2' I didn't, because she was SO ANNOYING.

it was a really bad holiday.

I will stop talking to myself now. Promise. Though I still have the bad holiday in Devon to work through. Same family.

ahundredtimes I feel your pain and can relate to it, as I tend to let my boys clamber over rocks etc.

I remember taking my sons to a boating lake with another family. All boys could swim except my youngest ds. They were all given lifejackets as the water was about 6 feet deep in places. The boats were pedalos and everything was well supervised - life bouys etc. The other mother let her boys out on the lake for just 10 minutes before she called them in as she was so worried. I never went to a park with her again!

He sounds like my brother at age 7, who persuaded a friend to escape from school through a hole in a hedge and go and play in the woods and the headmistress had to chase them in her car. Among other things.

Have you ever wielded a sledgehammer though! Rather heavy and difficult to actually inflict much damage on a wall if you're 7 surely. And I don't think I'd have the strength in my hands to cut through an electric cable with a pair of scissors - these sound more like intentions than deeds. And kids can do stuff like that without neglectful levels of supervision, I can't see there being huge risks really.

And this has made me wonder how much you supervise your kids when they have friends round - I don't see mine, never occured to me they might be knocking down the house. I will have to start lurking around corners with my luminous tabard and safety specs.

LOLOLOL I'd love to come on holiday with you ahundred! Did you say "well done, darling, you've made a really good foot imprint in the nice cow pat" ?

I think the problem with allowing your children to take risks, is that it's different if you are the one who is supervising the risk-taking. Or if it is someone qualified and competent to supervise, like with an abseiling trainer or something. If it's someone you don't trust to supervise the risks competently, that's when people start feeling jittery about it.

I know exactly what you mean about irritating over-protective parents, there's one at DD's school who won't let her DD run on ahead on the pavement with the other girls because it's dangerous - FGS they are 6. I am always tempted to say to DD "run along dear and play with the traffic" when I'm in her company. (But I restrain myself, I'm such a diplomat, me. )

I was round at my friend's house yesterday and her DD and another friend's DD wanted to play outside in the communal gardens. Just as my friend said yes, get your shoes, the other mum said no (ie the one that didn't live there). Was a bit awkward.

I agree with you littlebella - it is entirely about the quality of the supervision (which is what I was trying to say clumsily last night)

PGreen i am with you I had to do this myself when ds was that age and turned out i was very right.Go with your gut i didn't and was scared of being seen as precious and it wasn't the right decision This particular boy is still trouble and thanj goodness went to a different school at yr 7 but is still fascinated by ds and i still have to be on guard luckily at 14 ds has sussed him out and knows why we worry it is so hard i know your dilemma

LittleBella you are the voice of good reason on this thread. I think the OP should listen to you.

I can't remember what I said to ds2. Thing is, she made me even more lax than I normally am. Like a rebellion or something. I was almost lighting cigarettes for the 8 y-olds by the end of the holiday.

That same day, dd weed down a mine shaft I remember. And by the end of the day I was so fed up because I was on my own (dh was working at the house, working!) and they kept saying I had to follow them because they had 'maps'. And finally we were driving back and they took a left turn, so I took a right and just drove away! lol. DCs said 'where are we going?' and I said 'Don't care. We're going somewhere mapless AND there will be sweets.'

I'm quite immature really aren't I? Don't send your children round to play here.

I get a bit like that with a friend who won't let her dd play with anyone whose parents smoke. Makes me want to strap a tourniquet onto my arm in the playground.

YANBU My boys are 5 and I don't let them go to anyones house that lets their kids roam the streets (there are loads in their class) or are lax at supervision or have rottweillers etc. My kids are too precious and can wait till they are older, the houses they go to are with responsible parents who i am quite happy.

Ds2's best friend is a nightmare! He is always smashing things up, hitting, punching, name calling and has even had a bullying letter home from school. He is only 5! He also lives next door

I say best friend, but this child will only play with DS at home, never at school (for which I am actually grateful for, but poor DS doesn't really understand)

Now, I like this boys spirit, but he does take it too far. I would never want to change his personality, it is him, but he can be quite mean and is perfect bully material. His parents say he is just being a boy But I am afraid, when his parents make him big spikes with sticks and allow him to throw rocks etc, he isn't allowed to play with my boys, as all he does is hurt them. said boy is actually pretty good when I am around, but thats because he knows I am not scared of telling him off. He actually told one of DS's friends the other day that DS was gay Ds has no idea what this means, but I told neighbours boy off because he was blatently being horrible.

I know this boy hasn't recieved many birthday invites as he is 'well known' now and I also know that other mothers avoid having him back to thier house. I do have him here, but it is on my terms or he goes home Blardy kids!!!

AND THEN they went back to the house in a state, and rushed into dh and told him he had to go and look for me. And he presumably looked a bit non-plussed and yawned and said 'Oh she'll be okay' and they wailed

'BUT SHE HASN'T GOT A MAP.'

lol.

I haven't got a map to parenting either.

Now. Shall I start a new thread to work through the terrible Devon holiday too?

Because on that holiday, I drove into a wall at the holiday house and knocked it down.

I've just remembered that. My car was my sledgehammer.

There was a lot of noise about that too.

at 100x.

It's the supervision thing for me I think.

Mine (younger than the OPs) are excellent climbers and very inquisitive and have NO sense of fear. As I see it, my job as an adult is not to stop them from doing things, but to make the call as to when an acceptable risk becomes an unacceptable risk. It takes a lot of judgement, more than a child can have.

I think if you have a very lively child that's brilliant, but you have to accept that you're going to need to keep more of an eye on them than on the ones sitting peacefully in the corner making playdough scones.

, and for the record, I meant hmm there,
I also like the sound of the boy, he sounds interesting and different and just because he had access to the sledgehammer (which clearly he shouldn't) that doesn't mean he should be written off as a friend as he sounds like he is wild and fun has an inquiring mind.

However, I think my nerves might get the better of me, for as much as my adult side is attracted to wild and dangerous, my mother side
suffers from nerves and I would have the child round to play at mine, at least for a while so I could moniter the activites, a little.