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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my son to go and play at this boy's house

92 replies

PeaGreene · 17/05/2008 21:34

I don't think I'm being unreasonable but just wanted to talk it through really. Am I being over protective perhaps?

He seems a nice enough kid, if a little overpowering, but has always been pleasant enough with me. They're friends at school. He's been round to ours a couple of times and I've always wanted DS to have friends who live nearby, so I should be jumping at this chance. The boy is desperate for my DS to go and play round there too, but I just don't want DS to go.

I don't entirely trust the parents and I don't like how that makes me feel about myself. They seem to find the boy a complete handful, doesn't sit still, gets bored very easily. He's clearly done some very dangerous things which my DS just would never contemplate. Like cutting the vacuum cable with a pair of scissors. Whilst his mum was vacuuming. Just to see what would happen. And breaking a wall with a sledge hammer because he wanted to use the bricks for something.

I've only met her a couple of times and this does make me Mrs Judgey Pants par excellence, but when they were going today, she really couldn't get him to budge, and I ended up telling him myself to put the game down as it was time to go.

In my eyes, they've been quite lax about their son coming round to ours - didn't make a point of meeting us or checking who was collecting him from the door. the boy phoned us last week to ask if we could give him a lift to DS's birthday party, and when we collected him, he just left the house without his parents coming to see where he was off to. He's 7 by the way.

DS is quite sensible and "good" - not a great adventurer. this boy seems quite the opposite, and maybe DS would handle him and they'd be good for each other... but would I want to leave DS at their house for a couple of hours???? Really not sure I would.

I know they've had a really bad time lately. Health issues, money issues, have lived abroad which didn't work out. So I'm sure that hasn't helped them.

They've got a big dog which I'm sure DS would be scared of. i don't want to play on this cos DS needs to realise not all dogs are evil, but is that my excuse to put DS off?

OK. Tell me. Am I being overly precious?

OP posts:
batters · 17/05/2008 21:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ahundredtimes · 17/05/2008 22:00

What is the check list for appropriate friends then?

Always washes hands.

handles electric equipment with respect and care

Never tries to scale a wall too high

Plays in an appropriate way with appropriate toys.

Never uses the telephone.

Always responds to his mother's call to go home, promptly and charmingly.

I am being a bit facaetious, I know that. Goodness - perhaps he is MY child Pea? That would be awful wouldn't it? lol. Perhaps that's why I'm sticking up for him.

worley · 17/05/2008 22:01

i dont think your being unreasonable at all. we are in a very similar situation. Our next door but one neighbour has a boy the same age as ds1 and in the same school class. having lived so close to them for the past 8.5 years i laways said that ds1 would never be allowed to go their house by himself. We have been able to hear the father shouting at his wife and children, using foul language towards them and can "hear" him smacking his children. (We have been told by 2 different neighbours that they have rang the social services concerned about the welfare of the children.)
anyway last year as dp was picking ds1 up from school the mother of this boy said to dp, "is that ok then about today?" dp didnt know what she was talking about but it turned out that ds1 and this boy had organised between themselves that the boy would come play round our house that afternoon. dp made an excuse at to why not that eve but maybe another time. in the end we had to give in and let the boy come round, and he was really rude and naughty. maybe he seemed worse as ds1 is so good, but when offered a drink he wanted coke, which we dont have, so he wanted leomonade, which we didnt have so he said, oh well i suppose it will have to be orangeade then! dp had to tell him we dont have fizzy drinks! he wasnt impressed. and after smashing all ds1'stoys into the wall ds1 had had enough of him.

they still talk a bit at school but ti got it out of his system. maybe when ds1 is older they will hang out or hopefully be in different groups or something.

long story sorry! could go on even more about them but thats would be another whole different thread about neighbours!!

ahundredtimes · 17/05/2008 22:01

Oh yes, Total Chaos v.good point.

Marina · 17/05/2008 22:01

I think the friend is a winner really if he gets to spend time in a house where he's not allowed to take out walls or play with 240v
He still gets to see PeaGreene's son socially
It's the severing the live wire that would bother me, every time. At that age, that really worries me.

spicemonster · 17/05/2008 22:02

You're not being unreasonable. If you're not happy with the level of supervision at your DS's friend's home, then don't let him play there.

100x - do you let your 7 yo have access to scissors sharp enough to cut through an electrical cable? Or play with sledgehammers?

ahundredtimes · 17/05/2008 22:04

Oh yes, scissors in drawer for anyone to get a hold of.

Oooh - and I'll tell you that I found a HUGE mallet in dd's bed the other day. God knows what she was doing with it.

Mind you, nobody has ever cut through an electric cable.

Original poster
PeaGreene · 17/05/2008 22:04

But it's not just the spiritedness of the kid. As I said, I don't entirely trust the parents. Any parent can have a child who is, let's say, "adventurous". I'm concerned, as I said in the OP, that they seem to leave him to it and don't have much control. And that's fine between them, we all look after our kids in different ways. But I don't want my son in completely unsupervised play with a child who has no sense of fear and a fairly free reign.

As I say, I like the boy. he's welcome to come round here. I won't be letting DS go round there, not yet anyway.

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 17/05/2008 22:04

Or smashed a wall down.

ChukkyPig · 17/05/2008 22:04

One sec though, who has told you all these tales? Is it possible that the boy is exaggerating and your son is just repeating things?

Just because I was thinking, that as soon as a hoover got cut at all even a tiny hole, there would be no suction and the person trying to hoover would notice immediately. To cut the whole tube off while someone was hoovering and them not notice until it was cut through sounds very unlikely to me. Unless they were absolutely off their head in which case they would be unlikely to be hoovering?

Maybe the boy is exaggerating to impress his friend? He could have done some sledgehammering with his dad and forgotten to mention that he was supervised?

ChukkyPig · 17/05/2008 22:06

Although obviously you need to follow your instincts!

ahundredtimes · 17/05/2008 22:06

Or perhaps it was the mother - in a kind of - grrr, he's awful sort of way?

What is he like at your house? Is your house still standing?

Marina · 17/05/2008 22:07

My 4 year old is allowed sharp scissors spicemonster. She uses them to cut up paper for collages. She knows not to go near sockets, cables etc.
She is allowed to run round the garden naked, dig holes, plaster herself in mud and generally be a bit feral. So is her older brother.
I feel sorry for the boy PeaGreene describes in her OP. He's far beyond "silly boy" territory IMO.

madness · 17/05/2008 22:07

my ds has access to sharp scissors, 2 y old hasn't

LittleBella · 17/05/2008 22:08

No YANBU. I don't think it's a question of penalising the other child, it's a question of protecting your own.

What could happen? well, the OP's DS could be encouraged to: jump out of the window, wind up the dog until he gets attacked because no responsible adult is supervising properly, get electrocuted, drink bleach, have foot cut off by lawnmower, get hanged by sheet, set alight to hair.... etc. etc. the list is endless. And of course, the sky could fall on his head.

Seriously, all those things are of course, unlikely (except the last one, obv. ) but where you have a child who doesn't recognise and respond to adult boundaries, coupled with an adult who doesn't seem to have imposed any boundaries, you have the potential for serious harm. You always have the risk of serious harm, of course, that's life, but most of us try and minimise the risks by not sending our kids into more than averagely dangerous situations for their age and development without proper adult supervision.

Marina · 17/05/2008 22:08

Chukky, unless I misunderstood PeaGreene, this boy cut the power cord, not the suction hose. With metal scissors...

Original poster
PeaGreene · 17/05/2008 22:09

Chukkypig, it was the mother who told me about these incidents. She's horrified and basically said he's out of control.

I do feel bad cos I've made lots of judgements about her, and I'm prepared to be proved wrong, but I'm just wary at the mo.

OP posts:
ahundredtimes · 17/05/2008 22:10

[sigh] Yes you are right Little Bella. Okay. Kid had better come to your house. Darn.

Original poster
PeaGreene · 17/05/2008 22:12

100x, I like the fact you clearly have enough spark and spiritedness to be the only dissenting voice on this thread. I, like my son, am a bit of a goody two shoes. I'd love to be able to do that.

OP posts:
LittleBella · 17/05/2008 22:12

Oh gawd, don't send him round here, I'm too lazy to supervise other people's children.

ChukkyPig · 17/05/2008 22:15

Oooh well that's a different kettle of fish entirely. Though thinking about it, with the rubbery outside, the coatings on the 3 types of wire and then the fairly thick actual wires themselves, you would have to be very strong of hand and have much better kitchen scissors than mine to be able to do that.

OP are you sure the lad isn't making it up/exaggerating? Small boys are probe to this sort of thing, I remember the ludicrous claims by brother used to come out with...

But once again, follow your instincts, they are usually there for a reason.

FrannyandZooey · 17/05/2008 22:15

he sounds like my dp at that age
he is quite normal and dull now but as a child, would do insane things like the OP mentions - 2 of the best were painting his eyeballs with nail varnish (to make them a different colour - ended up in A+E obviously) and taking the wheel off a car

he was obviously a handful but his mother was IMO wildly neglectful
I would no way let my dc go round the house of anyone I imagine to be the same (and it does sound like a similar set up)
have him round yours and KEEP AN EYE ON THEM

Divastrop · 17/05/2008 22:15

peagreene-has the mother taken him to the doctor or seen the school nurse or anything?like i said,it sounds way beyond silly.

Walnutshell · 17/05/2008 22:19

OH MY >?

ChukkyPig · 17/05/2008 22:20

Oh sorry PeaGreene not swift on the typing.

If you are uncomfortable sending him round there then don't. No-one will mind especially not the other mum, sounds like she appreciates a break.

Then your son can enjoy the friendship of a more "spontaneous" person while you keep an eye on things.

I suppose the other boy must be saying "oh come round ours we can electrocute the enormous dog with the lead from the hoover and then get on the sledgehammer" which sounds like enormous fun but really they won't mind if they always play at yours.

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