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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do you ever get a break?

56 replies

mrsmangle45 · 27/04/2025 21:34

Dh and I have a two year old together and I have a tween from a previous marriage. Tween spends every other weekend with his dad.

Our toddler is amazing but full on and we have no help whatsoever. My mum lives about 10 minutes away but for reasons that are too complex to go into, she doesn’t help at all. In an emergency situation she might do childcare for a couple of hours but that’s it.

In almost 3 years Dh and I haven’t had a night off together. We are used to it now. What I really struggle with is the relentlessness from day to day with no end in sight. We work and look after the dc and that’s it. Today for example, we haven’t been anywhere but we have had to tag team the toddler while the other gets on with mowing the lawn or cooking the dinner. It’s really tough and honestly sometimes I just wish I could spend the day in bed or have a break.

I know our situation isn’t unusual. I also know people do this with more than two kids and that one of my kids isn’t even here every weekend. So I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just genuinely wondering at what point you have a break? The only time we get to sit and chill is when the toddler is in bed and by that point we are exhausted. I can’t even summon the energy to pick up a book never mind go for a walk or to the gym.

I don’t know any babysitters and wouldn’t feel happy leaving my dc with a stranger anyway. But good lord I just long for a night off, a lie in and the chance to recharge my batteries. Every single day is routine, work, childcare, chores. How do people cope?! When my eldest was younger we had so much more help and I really took it for granted.

OP posts:

Moonnstars · 27/04/2025 21:37

Does your toddler go to nursery? If so book a day of annual leave same time as your husband. Some might say it's a waste/save for when you need time with the children but this could be the only way you get time to yourself.

Jshrbt · 27/04/2025 21:38

Not much of one. We take it in turns having a break - from when DD was around 2 we’d each every so often go away with friends (2 times a year maybe for 1-2 nights) and more often spend a day with a friend child free. In 7 years I can count on one hand how many times family had our DC for us to have a day or night together so we also learnt to use annual leave too for a day together every so often

helpwillalwayscometothosethatneedit · 27/04/2025 21:40

How old are you and your DH?

Eldermillennialmum · 27/04/2025 21:41

We have similar age DC. The 3 yo has been in nursery since they were 1. DH and I both work full time but I take a day off on my own when I can. We both have evenings out too maybe once or twice a week. We have not had a night out together in over a year but we both get out on our own for a drink with friends or hobbies as there are two of us. We also try to give each other a lie in on a weekend.

Eldermillennialmum · 27/04/2025 21:42

I understand being tired. I find I go to bed late as I watch tv or read after DC in bed but then I'm tired after being woken up early in the morning so going to bed earlier can help. I like to exercise and find that makes me feel energised.

Original poster

mrsmangle45 · 27/04/2025 21:44

Moonnstars · 27/04/2025 21:37

We have done this a few times but we are always clock watching. And we do need to save annual leave for school holidays so it’s not feasible to do often. It’s also the pressure to actually ‘do something’ when all I crave sometimes is a day to do nothing. Just lay in bed or go for a really long walk.
Dh and I do help each other. We are a team. He pulls his weight but I still end up feeling guilty and wouldn’t consider going away without them for more than a night until she’s a bit older.

OP posts:

drspouse · 27/04/2025 21:44

When ours were this age we used babysitters (mainly either a lovely young woman who worked at DS nursery and then later someone we found on childcare.co.uk who started off doing after school one day a week and when we got to know her better she did evenings).

Drkarev · 27/04/2025 21:44

No night out together since oldest was born 7 years ago, it’s hard having no help! We have in the past taken leave from work for a day, but we need that now for half terms. We try to watch an episode or two of telly together a few nights a week and that’s it

Vettrianofan · 27/04/2025 21:45

Do what my neighbours do, keep your 3yo up all through the night, then they sleep all morning so you get a long lie?

They only do this when the three older children are at their Dad's...

StellaShining · 27/04/2025 21:48

I’ve found it gets easier as they get older, but the first couple of years are tough. We’ve made friends with some other parents in the same position, so take it in turns having each others child over for a few hours at the weekend. I’d get chatting to other parents and start building this network. Good luck, it’s exhausting but it will get better eventually!

BigRenoLittleBudget · 27/04/2025 21:51

DH and I have had one evening out together in 6.5 years since our eldest was born. We don’t have anyone who could have all three and a babysitter would cost a fortune. We used to sometimes take a day of leave at the same time but now we need those for the school holidays.

we are used to it now but it is tiring and can be relentless. It is also a very different experience of parenthood compared to other people who have a lot of help on hand eg my friend has two kids and both her and her DHs parents live round the corner so they’re always having sleepovers, kids go to them after school, they go on weekends away together etc it’s just a completely different situation.

Original poster

mrsmangle45 · 27/04/2025 21:56

Dh and I aren’t even too bothered about going out. I mean it would be nice of course but sometimes it would just be nice to be able to potter about and get on top of things at home. It’s so hard with a toddler running around.
It sort of hit me today that this is our life for the foreseeable and I know that we chose this and I know it’ll get easier as she gets older. But pp is right, it’s a totally different lifestyle and experience to families who have help. Even a night off once every 6 months or something would be nice.

OP posts:

TheTerribleMaster · 27/04/2025 21:57

DH and I never got a night out or a break together when the kids were small, we'd just take it in turns to have a break / night out with friends / lie in. I remember having a night in a hotel by myself when the kids were ages 1-8 and it was amazing.
It's only since they've been older and can be home alone that DH and I now get to do stuff together.
I regularly got a break, so did DH, just never at the same time!

HeyItsPickleRick · 27/04/2025 22:01

You might have forgotten this but it gets so much easier from about 3-5. SO MUCH! Mine are 3 and 5 and about 24 months ago we really regretted having them. Now life feels bearable again, sometimes even fun!

GBooArt · 27/04/2025 22:02

Haven't read all the replies. But could your husband look after your child for a whole day to give you a day off, and then you do the same for him? Obviously that's not time off together, but at least you'd both be having a proper rest.

PhaseFour · 27/04/2025 22:08

When your tweens a bit older, they might be able to babysit for you if they are trustworthy and have a good bond with your youngest.

vickylou78 · 27/04/2025 22:13

Me and my husband take it in turns to go out with friends on a weekend and take in turns to have a lie-in. Actual nights out together are very very rare!

But 3yr olds are hard. Remember when they get to 4-5 they are so much easier and you can get so much done round the house etc.

Greeneyegirl · 27/04/2025 22:14

That is so tough and honestly I couldn't do it. Our 2 year old stays at grandparents 1-2 nights a week usually and that's been since I went back to work when they were 1. Before that, from birth to 1 it was once a month if not a little more often.

I would say can you ask their key worker from nursery to baby sit as they know your child but understand that you then have to pay them and also you don't get the house to yourself to get on top of stuff.

Eldermillennialmum · 27/04/2025 22:15

mrsmangle45 · 27/04/2025 21:56

If you don't have anyone you'd leave them with then your options are surely to try to relax at home, such as a lie in or do something in the house away from the child. I even enjoy cooking on my own and listening to a podcast while DH takes responsibility for the DC and he enjoys the garden. We both let the other have time to ourselves. The other option is to go out even if it's just for a run or a coffee or one of you take the child out to give the other a break. I was out and about for about three hours today just going to the shops, running errands and popping in to see my mum. It meant DH had a break. Yesterday I went out shopping alone and left DC with DH for about three hours.

IwasDueANameChange · 27/04/2025 22:22

Pretty normal. We don't have family near by to help. We focussed on sleep training so we weren't knackered. We had my mum babysit so we could have a meal in the local pub for our birthdays. Once they got to 3 or 4 we used staff from their preschool to babysit.

Its not forever but nope you don't get a break. Ive never really managed exercise for myself, the weekends seem to vanish ferryimg kids to hobbies/parties. I could go the gym after work on the 2 nights DH wfh, but I'd get home so late I'd be shattered and tbh i never have the energy plus i tend to prioritise trying to see the DC at bedtime (i leave very early in the mornings the days im in the office).

Iwiicit · 27/04/2025 22:22

I have 3 and never had any help from anyone. It's tiring but my husband would look after them if I wanted a night out/needed a rest and vice versa. We never went out just the 2 of us for decades.

MrsMAFs · 27/04/2025 22:27

One dd aged 6. I work 4 days a week 9-3 I do the school run before work and pick up straight from work. My day off is spent keeping on top the housework. I do have a dp but he's not very hands on at all. Works full time and has a hobby that takes up at least 3 nights a week.

Only have my parents to babysit. But they were young having us and now at an age they want to enjoy themselves. Not to mention my dm works evenings Monday to Friday. We maybe get a babysitter once every 2 or 3 months.

It's hard. I understand.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/04/2025 22:28

I can’t understand why you can’t go for a walk or have a lie in.

those are fairly simple and easy pleasures given there’s two of you.

one lie in each of a weekend.

one ‘me time’ break each of a few hours for a walk.

SaladSandwichesForTea · 27/04/2025 22:31

I put my eldest (school age) in a club that they enjoy a few days a week in the hols so we don't need to tag team and use all our leave over the school holidays.

Could you do that? Then you have leave for actual time off to rest.

Lentilweaver · 27/04/2025 22:33

How do people cope? We had no family help so we took it in turns to have time to ourselves and lie ins.
We also hired babysitters. I had no qualms about leaving my DC with trusted sitters. if you won't consider it, then you have to soldier on.

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