Do you ever get a break?

[mrsmangle45]

Dh and I have a two year old together and I have a tween from a previous marriage. Tween spends every other weekend with his dad.

Our toddler is amazing but full on and we have no help whatsoever. My mum lives about 10 minutes away but for reasons that are too complex to go into, she doesn’t help at all. In an emergency situation she might do childcare for a couple of hours but that’s it.

In almost 3 years Dh and I haven’t had a night off together. We are used to it now. What I really struggle with is the relentlessness from day to day with no end in sight. We work and look after the dc and that’s it. Today for example, we haven’t been anywhere but we have had to tag team the toddler while the other gets on with mowing the lawn or cooking the dinner. It’s really tough and honestly sometimes I just wish I could spend the day in bed or have a break.

I know our situation isn’t unusual. I also know people do this with more than two kids and that one of my kids isn’t even here every weekend. So I’m not looking for sympathy. I’m just genuinely wondering at what point you have a break? The only time we get to sit and chill is when the toddler is in bed and by that point we are exhausted. I can’t even summon the energy to pick up a book never mind go for a walk or to the gym.

I don’t know any babysitters and wouldn’t feel happy leaving my dc with a stranger anyway. But good lord I just long for a night off, a lie in and the chance to recharge my batteries. Every single day is routine, work, childcare, chores. How do people cope?! When my eldest was younger we had so much more help and I really took it for granted.

Thank you all, it’s nice to have people to vent to. Pretty much all of my friends have some form of family support, some more than others. It’s really sad that our family setup isn’t there and I don’t say that in an entitled way. I know she is our child, we chose this and I love her dearly. But I don’t think you fully appreciate the reality of a situation until you’re in it. My eldests dad and I split when he was quite young so for a long time I was used to having EOW off. I’d go out a lot but also used the time to get on top of housework, have a lie in, go to the gym and so on.
Everyday just feels like a constant juggling act and like I’m always on the back foot. I never get caught up on things. I’m always rushing about. I don’t want or expect to be out all the time, but the opportunity to just recharge my batteries would be lovely.
As I said, dh absolutely does step up but I still feel like the default parenting and mental load is on me.

It'll pass. We have similar, my parents nearby but not really willing to help! But ours are 13, 9 and 6! It's easier now. But we still never go out in an evening together. My eldest is ND so wouldn't like a babysitter. I go out sometimes, my husband goes out sometimes. It's easier now that they all sleep so we aren't knackered. As soon as your little ones is a bit older I'd definitely recommend a night away seeing friends. One night feels like a holiday! Or even if you're shattered, book a premier Inn and just sleep and have a lie in! It's good for you and DC to miss each other.

Best thing we put in place was one parent gets up Saturday and plays with toddler till 9am then Sunday we swap. So we always get a lie in one of the days and it’s blissful.

We also took one days holiday every year off together and still put our kid in nursery, went out for lunch together and had a nice walk.

It’s getting so much easier now they are in school, you can cook dinner or garden while they play but don’t need constant supervision. It does get easier

Dh does let me have a lie in at the weekends. He’s good like that. And I do go for walks with the dog and occasionally to the gym. But everything is on a timer as he has things to do as well and it’s a tag team effort. So nothing is generally done leisurely. If I go for a walk I’ll be thinking right I have to be back in 20 minutes because Dh needs to get on with cutting the grass or whatever.
I think it’s because she’s at the age where she needs constant supervision/entertainment. I tried to leave her for 5 minutes playing alone today to change a bed and she just followed me and jumped on the bed! It’s that sort of thing.
But yeah I’m lucky there’s two of us, I have been a single mum and that was very hard too (albeit with a break EOW).

@mrsmangle45 I think when you don’t have family support and you don’t want to hire paid childcare then you just need to suck it up and deal with it to be honest 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I say that as someone very much in the same position 😊
Only 1 pre-school aged DC but I work full time and DH works at sea for 4 weeks then comes home for 2 weeks. So for 4 weeks I’m completely on my own, juggling work/nursery/clubs etc. Then DH comes home for 2 weeks and we have 4 days out of that when I’m not working. I’d feel horrendously guilty taking any of that time for myself as its our only real family time and I choose to prioritise that.
That being said, when he’s home and I’m working DH takes over the cooking and cleaning which feels nice as it lightens the load a bit having a second pair of hands! It’s nice being able to bath and put DC to bed after work and come back out to a tidy house and a freshly cooked dinner rather than having to tackle that too.

As for a break or time as a couple - we haven’t had any time alone together (other than evenings when DC is in bed) in the 4.5 years that we’ve been parents 😂 We got married during that time and had DC with us on our wedding night and honeymoon.
Our time for nights out and sleeping in will come again in time, but it’s just not in our lives for now 🤷🏻‍♀️ our “date night” would be a takeaway & movie with no phones allowed one night when DC goes to bed 🤷🏻‍♀️

This thread is making me feel so much better. I have a toddler and no family help - felt like the only one. I'm heavily pregnant and for various health reasons I'm now basically bedbound until pregnancy ends - and my parents still won't help out.

My DH is working until 11pm at night and still doing all the childcare pickups/dropoffs, nighttime routine at 7pm, everything. We're both exhausted.

When I was healthy/not pregnant we gave eachother full day breaks at weekends on occasion, alternated who did the bedtime routine/who went out of an evening to go see friends and also booked annual leave during childcare times for a break - which you can do if you're really struggling.

I remember those days and the end never felt in sight!
I was on my own with twins and no support at all, BUT...
Even though, I'm still on my own with them, it has got a lot less full on as they have got older (they're 7).

I hear you about feeling like you’re on a timer.

but it does - eventually - result in a positive.

for me, now that my dds are teenagers and I can often do what I like - dilly dallying deliberately is so much more glorious now than it ever was prekids.

Honestly, I think you should give some consideration to getting an occasional babysitter. Is there a local teenager who would come and play with your toddler for 1-2 hours on a Saturday, while you get on with other things? Like a mother’s help. Over time, if you’re happy with the set-up, you could look at going out for coffee just the two of you, or for an early bird.

I think you need to make the most of what you have. We did have some family support but it all went on childcare while we worked. Now our 16 year old with additional needs has only just gone up to bed so I am jealous of people who get any sort of evening to themselves, however exhausted. Choose to count it, don't dismiss the lie ins and evenings you have. We liked a dine in meal deal with bottle of wine after bedtime. Now we have to buy it X2 and include the teens...

I know what you mean, I wouldn't leave my DC with babysitter either. Do you know if any of the nursery teachers do babysitting? That could be a good option. I feel you though, I'd love a weekend to myself!

I guess how do you define a 'break'. Time to lie in bed until midday - nope, but tbh we grew out of that years ago. We take it in turns to have an evening to pursue an interest. As for having 'nights out' together, not a lot. We are more daytime people now anyway, with FT jobs and lives we don't have the energy for painting the town red.

If you don’t have paid night time childcare, you just need to tag team so one of you gets a break at a time. I don’t think DH and I ever went to the same gig or film for about eight years

Literally never, and we have 4. Sometimes, if my daughter has an extra class at her activity that is on the weekend, I can leave the other 3 with my husband, and then when she is in her class I do a grocery shop by myself and it feels like a holiday. Haha. My older ones would be fine with a babysitter, but my youngest would find it really stressful so it's not worth the hassle to me. I don't mind though, eventually they won't need me. It sounds like you need to organize a day on a weekend where there isn't too much on, where your husband cares for your toddler and you take that day to do whatever you like. And then do the same for him.

Why not find a babysitter??

Not willing to? Then don’t complain.

How do people cope?!

They use babysitters, either to go out or get things done at home. Start by having one around for an hour while you tidy upstairs and work from there.

I'm a sahm and I get a break now while our toddler is in preschool for a few hours a week, but before that I was with her all the time and we don't have evenings out or leave them with relatives or a babysitter. I am used to it now though and never had a desperate need for a break from the dcs. DH is very hands on (when he's not at work we split parenting/chores equally, and we usually have one dc each, so we are both busy with dcs all the time). But having one dc each is easier than having both dcs while the other one goes out, so neither of us go out on our own.

We could afford a babysitter but I don't like the idea of one being in our home really, so that's a personal choice. We have fun as a family at weekends and I'm happier doing that than going off and doing solo activities or going out with DH and having dcs in childcare. GPs are overseas and will look after dcs for a few hours when we visit, but they don't have enough energy for them really.

I do miss having evenings out with DH but I accepted that wasn't going to happen for a while once we had dcs, and I know the chance will come again once they're older and less interested in being with us (and I will also have more time for solo interests when both dcs are in school).

Two year olds are relentless but as you know from your older child, it does get much easier.

at that age we would share having a lay in at the weekend and each take a sat or Sunday and sleep as late as we could. It’s really helped! I struggle to sleep so would take half a nytol.

We have 3 kids.
A babysitter and a night out has always been a thing here. We make sure to go every second month.

The babysitter took the youngst to the zoo a couple of hours on Saturday morning then my husband was travelling for work and I needed to sleep. Child loved it.

We also get no break and no time together. Our children are 3 years old and 3 months. It's exhausting. My mum helps with my eldest one afternoon a week so I just have the baby but that's it really. We have been out twice on a "date night" in about 3 and a half years and that's just involved 2-3 hours away from home.
both our parents work full time but MIL is cutting her days soon but she made it very clear it won't be to help with childcare.

Doing nothing is doing something. It's called self care. I dealt with severe PPD . We had a gal we met through the children's daycare come one night a week to just help. She had a sister a year older than mine. She could feed them, bathe them and put them to bed with no hassle. We then became more comfortable with leaving them for a date night. We'd go right after work, and be home by 8pm and they were asleep. You have to relinquish control somewhat. Some choose not to do this, but it worked for us. We also let each other sleep in every weekend. That saved my sanity. I've now got my 9yo granddaughter living with me and I have no help, so I can relate. My oldest comes about once a month over a weekend and gives me a break but she's 2 hours away, has a job, etc., so I appreciate what she's able to do. Good luck. I do feel better after I've had some ME time.

We didn't have any breaks for a couple of years when we had two small ones as they were too much for anyone else. It was tough.

Now they're older and more manageable (younger one is nearly 3y) we get a break every few months when one of the grandparents from out of town might takes them which is amazing.

I think you just keep your eye on the future telling yourself it'll be better then they're 2 or 2 1/2 or 3. And keep doing the one parent takes the child/ren while the other gets a proper break (or just a chance to do chores/ DIY uninterrupted) for a few hours at least once a week. We also alternate mornings so I get up with the kids Saturdays and my DH gets up with them Sundays.

You can still get a babysitter and have a date night in while the babysitter is with the kid (in a different room). After a few times you may feel more comfortable going out while the babysitter is with DC

I hear you, it's not the needing a babysitter so we could go out I wanted but more I just needed the world to stop for a minute so I could catch my breath.

Parenting is full on, I had 3 under 4yo and DH did shifts so rarely home. But as time went on, they become more self sufficient.. I remember distinctly when we moved all the toys from the lounge into their rooms, and they started playing in there. It felt weird not needing eyes on the kids all the time.

Then, it was being able to pop across the road to the corner shop without them, then round the back to the pub for an afternoon glass of wine, leaving them behind. Now, they're teens and I can leave them all day if needs be.

You do get there, but in the meantime you just need to take the little breaks whenever the chance arises.

Oh, and by the time you can get a lay on you won't because your body becomes so trained not to......goddammit 😆

Big hugs, it is so tough will eventually pass.

It’s easier said than done to find a babysitter- I think it is dependent on where you live. Where I am, people tend to have a lot of family support, I have tried to source babysitters (and would pay decently) and nobody has been interested. People assume we have lots of grandparent help (but we don’t and no other relatives either), other friends mostly have that support so aren’t interested in helping for us to return the favour, which I’d gladly do.

I was in a similar situation, and felt so burnt out by it all. A few years on and it is getting much easier.
If you are very exhausted, I have taken a couple of sick days on occasion to rest up. I set aside a couple of annual leave days a year to take off while they are at school. We also planned alternate nights for doing bedtime so we had nights for ourselves or have a ‘date night’ after bedtime. Now they are in more drop off activities, so we have that time, these happen from
abiut age 4/5. Forcing myself not to clock watch has helped too.