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Original poster

What to tell my ex-Step Daughter about me and her Dad breaking up.

55 replies

LuckyTiger · 27/04/2025 11:16

I recently split up from the father of my baby. We also saw his daughter each fortnight for 2 overnight stays. She is almost 5. He said he has chosen not to tell her about the breakup and that he’s just said that he is living with her Nana (his Mum) so they can find a new place to live. It hasn’t been explained to her why I’m suddenly not around anymore. Her Dad argued that she’s confused with staying at her Nanas enough and she wouldn’t understand so he’s breaking it to her slowly.
I disagree as it might be distressing for her that I am suddenly completely out of the picture with no explanation. I think he doesn’t want her Mum to know about the failed relationship but she might need support from her Mum and extra love if she’s feeling any rejection. Especially if she thinks I suddenly don’t want to be around her at all. Does anyone have any advice please? Should I pressure him to tell her himself or should I let her Mum know without the Dads consent? I don’t want to do that as it places the emotional labour on her Mum when it’s the responsibility of the Dad to have that difficult conversation

OP posts:
FeministUnderTheCatriarchy · 27/04/2025 11:18

It's not your child, so you don't get a say unfortunately.

I would be open and honest, children understand age appropriate facts... But that's his decision.

You are broken up, you need to let them both go. Contacting her mum is crossing a line

KarmenPQZ · 27/04/2025 11:21

As @FeministUnderTheCatriarchy said. Contacting the mum is going to be seen by all involved as shit stirring. Your ex’s daughter is not your child. Leave her parents to parent her.

Rictasmorticia · 27/04/2025 11:22

You need to tell the mum. . The child will suffer from having an immature father. If he won’t take his responsibilities seriously it is up to you to step in.

Endofyear · 27/04/2025 11:23

Unfortunately, as she's not your child, you don't get a say in what she is or isn't told. You might not agree but it's her father's choice to tell her what he thinks is best for her. It's likely he will have to address it as she'll probably ask where you are at some point. Stay out of it and concentrate on your own baby.

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 11:28

It’s no longer any of your business. If you’ve split up, then stop talking to each other and move on. The child will be fine.

FortySheep · 27/04/2025 11:29

She should be told I agree but it’s her dad’s choice (even if he’s being a bit silly about it!) Your baby is her half-sibling (?) so it’s not like you’ll never see her or her dad ever again either which would be different. She’ll be involved in future birthdays, etc potentially so might see you then which is why a “good split” for the child is quite important now. Do you get on or speak to her Nana - I’d approach her and explain your worries but not the child’s mum.

SnoozingFox · 27/04/2025 11:36

What a fucking mess. Poor children. OP can offer some consistency to this poor 5 year old who has already in her short life known her father with two different women. But when father moves on to woman 3 or 4, and the women all start having children with other men it just gets even messier.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/04/2025 11:41

You can’t pressure him to do anything, it’s his decision. As you have to coparent the baby with him I definitely wouldn’t inflame things by dobbing him in to his ex, really not your place.

Stripeyanddotty · 27/04/2025 11:43

But when father moves on to woman 3 or 4, and the women all start having children with other men it just gets even messier.

Yep. And the op’s daughter could end up in the same situation as the 5 year old.

Hdjdb42 · 27/04/2025 11:43

She's not your child so it is nothing to do with you.

LilDeVille · 27/04/2025 11:44

Stripeyanddotty · 27/04/2025 11:43

But when father moves on to woman 3 or 4, and the women all start having children with other men it just gets even messier.

Yep. And the op’s daughter could end up in the same situation as the 5 year old.

Yeah. A sorry state of affairs. Keep things on an even keel as much as you can OP.

404ErrorCode · 27/04/2025 11:45

Not your child, not your rules I’m afraid.

Sorry about your breakup, it’s not an easy thing to navigate with stepchildren thrown into the mix.

Waterweight · 27/04/2025 11:51

Agreeing with the others. Strange you would want to sit down with somebody especially a child you've known for what 5 years ? (Assuming you've been together as long she's been born) & Tell them about their father's relationship ?

& Are you close to her mother ? Will her mother "offer extra support" because her ex's has gotten somebody else pregnant & ended that relationship aswell ??

If thats the genuine concern & out come contact her about it not a child

FloatingSquirrel · 27/04/2025 11:54

I would send a message to DSDs mum saying you've broken up but obviously still love DSD and would be happy to meet up with her, mum and your DC sometimes. It's your child's sibling not just an ex step child so makes sense to try and keep bonds there if mum is happy with it.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 27/04/2025 11:55

Sadly this is none of your business now so you can’t and shouldn’t do anything.
I was in the same situation and loved my ex’s DC. I’m sure she’s either heard nothing or a version that paints him as the victim and me the issue given he never took any responsibility for his actions. But she’s not stupid and she’s much older. She’ll make her own mind up about what he’s like before too long. She knows we got on well and I was a good role model for her.
Don’t get involved. It won’t end well.

SeventeenClovesOfGarlic · 27/04/2025 11:59

Don't do anything.
She likely already feels rejection thanks to her father seeing her for 4 days a month.

Will the deadbeat be parenting your child as little as this, too?

Shatteredallthetimelately · 27/04/2025 12:06

Even though you were married to her dad she's not your child.

Unless you're still seeing your step daughter and spending time with her I'd leave it for him to sort out.

WellINeverrr · 27/04/2025 12:11

Unfortunately you don't get a say, she's not yours. The poor little thing with a father like that. Didn't you have doubts when a man who already had a toddler with one woman was then having a baby with another?

Stripeyanddotty · 27/04/2025 12:20

@Shatteredallthetimelately
Don’t think the op was married.

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 12:42

He is handling this badly - but he is the parent so it’s up to him unfortunately.

will you still occasionally get to see the little girl? Maybe when he comes to collect the baby?

you ex is a fool - I am sure she has already said her dad is living with her nana and she hasn’t seen you. Her mum knows exactly what is going on.

Cucy · 27/04/2025 13:02

I can see why he broke up with you.

She’s not your child so I don’t know why you think you have a right to disregard her parents wishes or pressure him into doing something he doesn’t think is right for his DD.

He is doing what he thinks will be less damaging to his child and you want to go against that?

I think he is doing the right thing by doing it slowly.
She will get used to not seeing you as much and then it won’t be such a big change for her.

It sounds like you want to shit stir between him and his ex.

VickiFromAmsterdam · 27/04/2025 13:06

The child will tell her mother.

pinkdelight · 27/04/2025 13:11

Cucy · 27/04/2025 13:02

I can see why he broke up with you.

She’s not your child so I don’t know why you think you have a right to disregard her parents wishes or pressure him into doing something he doesn’t think is right for his DD.

He is doing what he thinks will be less damaging to his child and you want to go against that?

I think he is doing the right thing by doing it slowly.
She will get used to not seeing you as much and then it won’t be such a big change for her.

It sounds like you want to shit stir between him and his ex.

You don't know that he broke up with her and it's a rude and misunderstanding take from thereonin. You may be right that it's the dad's call, but she's only thinking of the little girl, hardly a mean self-serving take that needs admonishing.

Kitkatcatflap · 27/04/2025 13:25

Although I agree there is little you can do for this little girl now you have split, it must be hard.

Had you posted your Mother bought token Christmas gifts for your step child yet spent triple on her biological grandchild or your sister didn't invite your step daughter to her wedding only her biological niece, posters would be up in arms. They be pushing you to go no contact, low contact or boycott. So many now saying not your child, none of your business, dont overstep the parent's decision and questioning your motives. Amazing how quickly you are supposed to drop the rope and walk away without a backward glance

I can't ever imagine being a step parent. Good luck OP

Cucy · 27/04/2025 13:26

pinkdelight · 27/04/2025 13:11

You don't know that he broke up with her and it's a rude and misunderstanding take from thereonin. You may be right that it's the dad's call, but she's only thinking of the little girl, hardly a mean self-serving take that needs admonishing.

Show quote history

No she’s not thinking about the child at all, if she was she wouldn’t be so eager to tell her that they’ve broken up.

She’s obviously trying to cause trouble between her ex and the girls mum, but at the expensive of the girl which is awful.

Dad is trying to reduce as much emotional harm to the child by making slow changes and it’s not for OP or anyone else to go against that.

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