What to tell my ex-Step Daughter about me and her Dad breaking up.

[LuckyTiger]

I recently split up from the father of my baby. We also saw his daughter each fortnight for 2 overnight stays. She is almost 5. He said he has chosen not to tell her about the breakup and that he’s just said that he is living with her Nana (his Mum) so they can find a new place to live. It hasn’t been explained to her why I’m suddenly not around anymore. Her Dad argued that she’s confused with staying at her Nanas enough and she wouldn’t understand so he’s breaking it to her slowly.
I disagree as it might be distressing for her that I am suddenly completely out of the picture with no explanation. I think he doesn’t want her Mum to know about the failed relationship but she might need support from her Mum and extra love if she’s feeling any rejection. Especially if she thinks I suddenly don’t want to be around her at all. Does anyone have any advice please? Should I pressure him to tell her himself or should I let her Mum know without the Dads consent? I don’t want to do that as it places the emotional labour on her Mum when it’s the responsibility of the Dad to have that difficult conversation

It's not 'obviously'. It's one possible interpretation and not enough to justify a nasty 'I can see why he broke up with you', which itself is an assumption on your part, which adds to the sense that you're projecting.

Maybe dad should have tried to reduce emotional harm to the child by not impregnating some other women while she was still barely more than a toddler. Seems he put his dick before his child's emotional wellbeing though.

You do realise how offensive that is to the OP don’t you.

I’m sure she’s capable of deciding whether to have a child with a man who has a toddler.

It wouldn’t be my cup of tea and I’m sure everyone on here is also wondering why OP would have a baby with a man who had a toddler but it’s not something I would be rude about, simply because it’s not relevant for this thread.

Them having a baby so soon was obviously very silly but irrelevant to the thread which is about reducing the impact of the break up on the child.
I think doing it in stages it’s much better.

We all know this thread would be completely different if it was an ex boyfriend of only a couple of years, with no biological relationship to the child who was wanting to pressure the mum into telling the child about the separation.

To be honest, you only saw the child 24 days a year and that would have been heavily diluted (presumably) by her dad being the primary carer and no doubt you’ve been distracted with the pregnancy and new baby.

She probably has a stronger bond with her teacher/TA at school than you as she’ll spend a lot more time in their company.

I would just leave it to her Dad to manage.

You can’t insist on much, unfortunately, but I think you should talk to him about your thoughts.

You can contextualise it by saying that if he has another relationship in the future and expects your mutual child to spend time with his new woman, he has to show you that he will behave responsibly when managing your child’s relationship with her. This would include honesty if the relationship fails.
Not being honest with your SC now, is not showing that he is responsible about such things.

I think the mother will figure out what is going on with the father having moved. You don’t need to interfere.

it’s all very sad for the little girl, but this is why people aren’t supposed to rush into relationships when they have children. You as the step-mother can’t do anything to help her. It’s up to her parents to do damage control.

what you can do is learn from this situation and try to minimize the chances of your own child being in this situation.

What kind of relationship do you have with his ex currently? Because if it's ok then I'd be tempted to have a chat. There may come a time when it is up to you and her to facilitate a relationship between the siblings.

What a judgemental and twatty post. She isn't OP's child but she obviously cares about her and doesn't want her to think the OP just doesn't want to see her any more. It sounds as though her ex-partner hasn't told his daughter anything about why he is living at his mum's and why she won't be seeing OP and her half sibling when she visits her dad.

I think people are missing that the child is the sibling of the OP's child. So there will be an ongoing relationship. Of course it makes sense to be honest (in an age appropriate way) and make sure the child doesn't feel abandoned, and it is lovely that the OP cares about this child. Maybe speak to the mum to give her a heads up and sounds like a good idea to build a warm relationship with her if possible. This does not amount to telling the parents what to do.

OP has said it’s a recent split and her dad wants to break it to her slowly.

Many women on here have husbands who leave suddenly and choose to try and limit the damage by saying they’re moving out temporarily or working away or something.

If OP was genuinely concerned about the child she’d be asking advice on asking for contact with her/her sibling etc not trying to go against her parents wishes who are only trying to reduce the distress caused to a child.

Well it's disgraceful on both their parts really. I can't imagine having a baby to a man with a toddler, I'd tell him to get on his bike and concentrate on being a dad to his current little one. If only people actually after with integrity and considered the damage that they are likely doing to others then the world would be a much better place.

Not your child = not your decision

It's the Dad's responsibility to have the 'difficult conversation' when he seems it appropriate. You are perfectly entitled to feel that it should be done now, but she's not your child and, thus, it's not your place to interfere.
Her Mum will likely soon figure out that things have changed and she can support her child in the way she seems fit.

They've already broken up love. He's going to have to parent her the same amount as his first assuming they don't go no contact & drag it through the courts

I know they've broken up love.
OP hasn't replied to the thread, but we have no way of knowing why the man barely sees his other kid, or if he plans to fail his younger child too.

No mention of him barely seeing his other child though ? Sounds like she lives with her mum & has been staying with OP & her dad - hence the wanting to tell her it's over -

Dad moved in with nan after a year+ of getting her excited about a new siblings (pregnancy) & having a new family (OP/him+ the kids) which has instead turned into him & her at her nans house & OP + the baby at their own place

As sad as it is realistically in 5 years time he'll probably have another woman around & the kids will be older/able to spend time with each other at their dads which won't have anything to do with OP at all.

OP is not the child's step mother she's her dad's ex & soon the baby will be old enough to spend time alone at nans aswell at which point another woman will probably be putting the effort into bonding with them not OP

I’d say to him that he needs to tell the truth and that you’re happy to contact the mother if he won’t. So unfair lying to the child!

She doesn't get to make such demands!
And if she does do that she deserves any reprecutions that come her way.

Including having to lose more time with her baby than she may like

The OP has no more say in this child than she does a stranger in the park.

You can't control what he does and doesn't do with his kid. I think you could get in touch with the mum if you want the two children to have a relationship outside of the dad and are asking the mum if she's prepared to facilitate that. I guess it depends on your relationship with the mum. I wouldn't mention the ex in any detail.

Unfortunately, as she's not your child, it's really not your place to do anything. This is the risk you take in step-parenting.

A university acquaintance of mine on FB must have been through at least 3 "sets" of step-children as she's involved with different men. They suddenly start appearing on on her socials, with gushing pronouncements of love and adoration on special occasions. Then the relationship ends and they're never mentioned again.

But in your case, surely you'll still have a little bit of contact with your ex-step-DD as the half-sister of your baby?

I had an inkling....

God only knows why people like the OP are so quick to think their boyfriends DC suddenly become their step children once they start dating.

Seems rife on MN.

It's a tad more than dating. She's had his baby - the 5yo's sibling. I think that takes her out of the dating category and it's surely a nice thing that she thought of the girl as her step-daughter she loved rather than some unrelated child.

It's just a tad more than dating. They must've only been together what, 2 or 3 years? Seeing as the kid is only 4. A baby conceived within a few months of dating so together more because of that than anything else. Step mum? More like dad's girlfriend.

No it's still dating...
not married or even engaged to be married.

Many people have DC with someone within months of meeting so time limits aren't relevant.

Im sure the OP will be only to happy to have her own DC classed as another woman's SD in the future then.

Yeah and many people aren't married or engaged to be married and last for decades till death do them part. I'm all for marriage myself but even I can accept that OP's relationship was beyond the dating stage. Living together takes it beyond that by anyone's standards.