Does DP have an eating disorder? What do I do?

Lostcupcakes · 2025-04-26T16:32:41+00:00

I’ve been with my DP for over 3 years and binge eating has been a problem for as long as I’ve known him but sometimes like this week I’m reminded of just how out of control it is. I feel terribly guilty even posting this but I’m getting more worried how on Earth we manage this. Especially when he doesn’t seem to consider it a problem. Basically he’ll be offered something by me or by a friend e.g. a chocolate or a cake (ie one!) he’ll eat it and then somehow he’ll secretly sneak off and eat the entire rest of the box of chocolates or batch of cakes (even though they aren’t his!). Example being a few days ago when we were at my parents and my mum had baked some brownies from scratch. She offered us one each (very generous portions!) we ate it and then somehow in 30-60minutes while we were away he found and ate the rest of them. About 8 portions with each being the size of a small plate. She then had guests round and got the tin out and they were empty and I felt so guilty and embarrassed. Im at a loss of what to do. As far as I’m aware it’s not followed up by throwing up so isn’t bulimia. He’s honestly wonderful in every other way and not selfish / inconsiderate in any other ways. It’s like he loses control but also seems to convince himself this is ok and normal. I honestly feel like im betraying him by writing this. My mum and two female friends have told me he has an eating disorder. He laughs this off. In the past the solution we’ve come to is me completely controlling the food that comes into the house and the portion sizes. But that’s exhausting tbh. I have to do all the shopping and all the cooking and treat him like a child and say ‘this is your portion. The rest of this is for other meals. You can’t eat anymore.’ I can’t police everything. Nor do I want to. Especially when we’re guests in other people’s homes.

LemonFinger · 26/04/2025 17:36

He sounds like me. I have been finding Overeaters Anonymous helpful.

takealettermsjones · 26/04/2025 17:36

Well he might laugh it off, but he either has an eating disorder (and/or some kind of behavioural issue around compulsion?) or he's extremely rude, eating all of someone else's food that he wasn't offered. I'd be having a really frank conversation with him in those terms tbh - he either can help it and is therefore being a knob, or he can't help it and therefore needs help.

Agix · 26/04/2025 17:36

Yes, that sounds like a eating disorder. It sounds like he has almost no control over continuing to eat? Does he agree? If he does have control over it and does it anyway, then he's just a greedy arsehole. If he doesn't it and can't seem to help it, that's a different story - uncontrollably binging is NOT a pleasant thing to do.

I knew some binge eaters in the eating disorder clinic (anorexia for me) and every one of them said binging feels like a good thing when you start, but it's horrible during and after.

Soke binge eaters have triggers food. Not all foods will trigger a binge... It may be enough to talk to him about simply not having even one bite of trigger foods.

And also go to the GP. They likely won't do anything unless it seems to be affecting his physical health, but might be good to give them a heads up.

LemonFinger · 26/04/2025 17:40

He will be downplaying it due to shame . The shame is horrific. It's something I feel ashamed to discuss with most people IRL still. I've been having therapy (for other issues linked to childhood trauma and BPD/EUPD, but the food is a big part of those) and that has been a help but it's a constant thing I have to watch . Certain foods I can't have in the house. Certain emotions trigger me. I'm getting better with those.

Original poster

Lostcupcakes · 26/04/2025 17:42

takealettermsjones · 26/04/2025 17:36

Well he might laugh it off, but he either has an eating disorder (and/or some kind of behavioural issue around compulsion?) or he's extremely rude, eating all of someone else's food that he wasn't offered. I'd be having a really frank conversation with him in those terms tbh - he either can help it and is therefore being a knob, or he can't help it and therefore needs help.

I’m just dreading that conversation tbh.

Party because he is such a nice guy I feel like if I spell it out he’ll find unbelievably guilty I.E. it was out of order that my mum took all the time to make that and she didn’t even get to give it to her guests or have more than a single portion herself.

im just not sure what his thought process with this is. It’s not something I could ever imagine doing myself.

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Daleksatemyshed · 26/04/2025 17:43

He may have an eating disorder Op but is he doing anything to get help with it? I'd be embarrassed to find he'd sneaked someone's food outside the house, finding out he'd emptied the tin would make me really uncomfortable. You're treating him like a child by policing his eating at home and it's not working if he'll sneak off and binge eat elsewhere

Original poster

Lostcupcakes · 26/04/2025 17:44

Agix · 26/04/2025 17:36

Yes, that sounds like a eating disorder. It sounds like he has almost no control over continuing to eat? Does he agree? If he does have control over it and does it anyway, then he's just a greedy arsehole. If he doesn't it and can't seem to help it, that's a different story - uncontrollably binging is NOT a pleasant thing to do.

I knew some binge eaters in the eating disorder clinic (anorexia for me) and every one of them said binging feels like a good thing when you start, but it's horrible during and after.

Soke binge eaters have triggers food. Not all foods will trigger a binge... It may be enough to talk to him about simply not having even one bite of trigger foods.

And also go to the GP. They likely won't do anything unless it seems to be affecting his physical health, but might be good to give them a heads up.

He doesn’t agree. So what can you do?

Even in the times when I’ve controlled the food coming in / portions at home that’s been more in the sense of him admitting that he has too big portions of dinner and wants to be healthier and that is a better cook.

I could start doing that again but it wouldn’t really resolve situations like this where he’s a guest somewhere and offered something.

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DidILeaveTheGasOn · 26/04/2025 17:46

He doesn't agree that he has no control?

So... Did he feel entitled to the rest of those brownies?

Original poster

Lostcupcakes · 26/04/2025 17:46

Daleksatemyshed · 26/04/2025 17:43

He may have an eating disorder Op but is he doing anything to get help with it? I'd be embarrassed to find he'd sneaked someone's food outside the house, finding out he'd emptied the tin would make me really uncomfortable. You're treating him like a child by policing his eating at home and it's not working if he'll sneak off and binge eat elsewhere

He doesn’t admit there’s a problem so no, he’s not doing anything to help with it.

Just to add, I’m not policing his eating at the moment and only did this for a short time as it’s just exhausting taking that on. We have a baby and I’m expecting baby no.2 so I have no energy to take on that responsibility but I also don’t want these eating habits to rub off on the kids!

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SunnySideDeepDown · 26/04/2025 17:47

Does he think it’s normal to eat the entire batch of baking goods that his MIL made? I know no one who would see that as acceptable. One more slice maybe, but the whole lot? That’s so rude. Does he acknowledge that he put your mum out? Or is that funny to him too?

Sidebeforeself · 26/04/2025 17:48

But surely he realised people would notice? What reason does he give?

Anewdawnanewname · 26/04/2025 17:49

You say he laughs it off, Is he not mortified that he can’t control himself and is eating food that doesn’t belong to him and not leaving food for others?

Eyesopenwideawake · 26/04/2025 17:51

Why do you have to do something about it? It's his problem, not yours so don't assume responsibility for his actions. Your only issue is whether to stay with him or not.

Just seen you have children. Doesn't change my view.

Original poster

Lostcupcakes · 26/04/2025 17:52

SunnySideDeepDown · 26/04/2025 17:47

Does he think it’s normal to eat the entire batch of baking goods that his MIL made? I know no one who would see that as acceptable. One more slice maybe, but the whole lot? That’s so rude. Does he acknowledge that he put your mum out? Or is that funny to him too?

I think he tried to downplay how many he’d eaten (or maybe he lost count?) as he just tried to say: I had a couple more. But my mum knew and said when she discovered it there were 12 portions so she was shocked and I think pretty frustrated. He doesn’t find it funny. He just didn’t say anything to indicate he understood it was a big deal. He just kept telling her they were delicious.

It’s awkward as we’re still staying at my parents so I haven’t easily been able to speak to either of them separately to apologise / have an awkward discussion. I just feel so embarrassed and annoyed.

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QuirkyWriter · 26/04/2025 17:54

I think you have to have a frank conversation with him and reassure home that he doesn’t need to feel ashamed, but he has to understand that it is unacceptable to eat other people’s food like that. It’s one thing bingeing at home, but he must see that it’s not regular behaviour to eat an entire batch of brownies that belong to someone else?

Namechange6578 · 26/04/2025 17:55

If he is saying there's no issue, what reason / justification did he give for eating the whole batch of brownies? Cos that's definitely not normal behaviour is it.

Original poster

Lostcupcakes · 26/04/2025 17:57

Sidebeforeself · 26/04/2025 17:48

But surely he realised people would notice? What reason does he give?

I don’t think he realised they were intended for her guests.

Maybe he hoped / thought me and my mum had had a couple more brownies so it wouldn’t be solely down to him but we hadn’t.

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Original poster

Lostcupcakes · 26/04/2025 17:59

QuirkyWriter · 26/04/2025 17:54

I think you have to have a frank conversation with him and reassure home that he doesn’t need to feel ashamed, but he has to understand that it is unacceptable to eat other people’s food like that. It’s one thing bingeing at home, but he must see that it’s not regular behaviour to eat an entire batch of brownies that belong to someone else?

He gives no indication that he sees this as not normal behaviour.

He hasn’t said it but it’s almost like because he’s been offered one, he can just keep going back for an unlimited amount.

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Daleksatemyshed · 26/04/2025 18:00

You shouldn't be embarrassed Op, you're not telling him to do this. What you should be doing is getting him on his own and telling him that this isn't something he can laugh off, people know how much he's eaten and it's not a laughing matter, what he ate was way over what's usual and you don't want your DC to think it's normal. Get him to your GP and see if they can help him. I know he won't want to go but if he binge eats on this scale it's going to be a bad example to your DC and it will impact his health as he gets older

Mrsttcno1 · 26/04/2025 18:00

I’d be having a frank & quite blunt conversation at this stage to be honest, there’s two possible answers and he needs to pick one & act accordingly:

He does have an eating disorder and so has no control over how much he eats, this is an issue far bigger than him and he needs to seek help for it,
He doesn’t have an eating disorder and is actually just a selfish greedy pig choosing to be that way, in which case he needs to stop or I’d be rethinking the relationship to be honest. Not only is it beyond rude & unattractive but I’d be wary of raising children in that manner because bad eating habits are incredibly easy to pick up and also incredibly difficult to get rid of.

HoneyPie12 · 26/04/2025 18:01

I would like to understand how he ate them. So, when you all had one and then your mum put the lid on the tin and the tin away, how did your partner eat them? Did he pretend to go to the toilet or the garden and then sneak back into the kitchen, take down the tin and pack as much of the brownies that he could into his mouth before replacing the tin? That would 100% be an eating disorder.

Or, did he eat them every time he went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, mindlessly just scoff a brownie each time and then not realise how many he had taken? That is probably still worrying especially coupled with the other background but maybe not so much of an eating disorder than mindless boredom eating?

Original poster

Lostcupcakes · 26/04/2025 18:09

HoneyPie12 · 26/04/2025 18:01

I would like to understand how he ate them. So, when you all had one and then your mum put the lid on the tin and the tin away, how did your partner eat them? Did he pretend to go to the toilet or the garden and then sneak back into the kitchen, take down the tin and pack as much of the brownies that he could into his mouth before replacing the tin? That would 100% be an eating disorder.

Or, did he eat them every time he went into the kitchen to make a cup of tea, mindlessly just scoff a brownie each time and then not realise how many he had taken? That is probably still worrying especially coupled with the other background but maybe not so much of an eating disorder than mindless boredom eating?

So the second situation you describe would worry me much less but sadly it wasn’t that.

we arrived at hers in the morning. She offered us a brownie and tea. I think she actually brought one portion each out to us on plates and we didn’t even see the tin / where they were kept but I cant 100% remember. Me and her went out for one hour. He was in her kitchen to make his lunch and he must have eaten them all in that 30-60 minute period. He had lunch too (brought from home) so I’m not suggesting he was starving and couldn’t find anything else to eat. They were big so I honestly can’t even imagine how you would go about that in that space of time. Guests arrived an hour later and she got the tin out and he admitted he ate ‘a few more’ and we discovered they were empty.

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Original poster

Lostcupcakes · 26/04/2025 18:12

At least if it was some shop bought item I could have just replaced it! Feels 1000x times worse because she’d specially made them.

But obviously I need to work out a plan for the future rather than fretting about some brownies that are long gone.

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WiddlinDiddlin · 26/04/2025 18:16

Yep...

Either he has an eating disorder ...

Or he is a rude, inconsiderate, theiving shit.

He can pick which one he is, but he's one of the two.

If your Mum bought him a drink in the pub.. would he then take her wallet and spend the rest of the contents on drink? No. That would be stealing.

So why does he think eating the whole batch of brownies, secretly, is not?

TidyDancer · 26/04/2025 18:19

Wow this is beyond something you can learn to tolerate.

I think you need to have a very frank conversation with him and spell out (kindly) how completely unacceptable it is that he’s effectively stealing food. I can’t tell from what you’ve said so far whether he’s unwell physically or mentally or just a complete arsehole but this needs challenging.