Does DP have an eating disorder? What do I do?

[Lostcupcakes]

I’ve been with my DP for over 3 years and binge eating has been a problem for as long as I’ve known him but sometimes like this week I’m reminded of just how out of control it is. I feel terribly guilty even posting this but I’m getting more worried how on Earth we manage this. Especially when he doesn’t seem to consider it a problem.

Basically he’ll be offered something by me or by a friend e.g. a chocolate or a cake (ie one!) he’ll eat it and then somehow he’ll secretly sneak off and eat the entire rest of the box of chocolates or batch of cakes (even though they aren’t his!). Example being a few days ago when we were at my parents and my mum had baked some brownies from scratch. She offered us one each (very generous portions!) we ate it and then somehow in 30-60minutes while we were away he found and ate the rest of them. About 8 portions with each being the size of a small plate. She then had guests round and got the tin out and they were empty and I felt so guilty and embarrassed.

Im at a loss of what to do. As far as I’m aware it’s not followed up by throwing up so isn’t bulimia. He’s honestly wonderful in every other way and not selfish / inconsiderate in any other ways. It’s like he loses control but also seems to convince himself this is ok and normal.

I honestly feel like im betraying him by writing this. My mum and two female friends have told me he has an eating disorder. He laughs this off.

In the past the solution we’ve come to is me completely controlling the food that comes into the house and the portion sizes. But that’s exhausting tbh. I have to do all the shopping and all the cooking and treat him like a child and say ‘this is your portion. The rest of this is for other meals. You can’t eat anymore.’ I can’t police everything. Nor do I want to. Especially when we’re guests in other people’s homes.

Can you imagine never being able to get your kids an Easter egg or lunchbox treats or a tub of ice cream? Can he admit to himself that there will be scenarios where one of his kids is looking for their sweets and they will all be gone and they will know he always takes them?

This. It will impact his kids as well.

It's rude, disrespectful, selfish and piggish behaviour, especially if he doesn't have an eating disorder and he doesn't have the good grace to be embarrassed taking food that does not belong to him, your poor Mum. You are right to be upset about this OP.

He should be mortified at his sheer gluttony being found out but laughs it off? I'm no expert but it seems that it might be a control thing that he takes food not belonging to him and devours it like Pac Man, maybe he enjoys the power/ getting away with it.

If he can't see this is a problem, because it is whether it's an ED or not, he's stealing food that isn't his and acting like a thief in hunting down the food/ chocolates or whatever it is and eating it without so much as an apology when found out.

He needs real consequences for his own sake, for you and your kids. I hope he makes it up to your Mum, at the very least he owes her a big bunch of flowers ( non garage) and an apology.

It’s only going to get more difficult tbh and that’s why I need a plan.

Very often he’ll eat something that I bought and I was intending to eat (leaving me stuck for lunch / dinner) or eat something that I needed for a recipe that you would never usually eat on it’s own anyway, and then he has to go out and buy a replacement.

If it’s something special, you have to be really clear: do not eat this.

I didn’t realise I needed to do that with the brownies. If I’d seen him gradually tucking into more and more I would have but he must have eaten them so fast.

This is how I end up feeling that the only solution is to say: I control 100% of what our family eats and when. 😔

It is hard to help someone who won't help themselves ? I recommend maybe the organisation BEAT, they have some great information on eating disorders including BED. I used to go to one of their support groups. They may have one in your area. @Lostcupcakes

Could be an eating disorder, absolutely. But on the basis of your description of his behaviour it looks more like common or garden greed 😕

That's so sad for both of you love. Handhold coming your way 💐 🌹 🌸
I think he has a massive problem. Is he very overweight? I wonder if he has a traumatic background growing up that was linked to food. I don't think you should take this on - he has to get help. You need to sit down with him and lay it out baldy and with no compromise even if it upsets you both. You have to lay out that it's not normal behaviour and if he can't seek help he will have to leave your home before it affects your children. I have a terrible relationship with food and had a traumatic upbringing. My dad was an awful bully and used food a lot - I then grew up and became a binge eater which I've had to resolve with surgery - I didn't want my kids to follow me growing up with such a terrible eating habit- and trust me they absorb it all from such a young age. Binge eating is very hard to control but it sounds like that's what this is - you physically cannot stop thinking about the food until you have eaten it all and then you live with the consequences after. I've gone into my children's rooms at night while they were sleeping to basically "steal" selection boxes from them - it's horrific and I presume he knows its not right deep down x

But this isn’t your responsibility? You could police it and home and he will just go out and binge at other times?

I had a flatmate like this and she eventually admitted she had exercise related binge eating - so she would binge and then go for a 20k run to burn it off. Nothing was safe - jars of jam, packs of butter, special chocolates, honey, bread, ice cream, anything the rest of us had in to eat normally (eg have one biscuit and put the rest in the cupboard for later), would disappear. She would replace stuff sometimes, but not always to the same quality or quantity - eg smaller box of cheaper chocolates.

In the end I told her she wasn’t allowed to eat any of my food ever, even if she replaced it, but it didn’t work. In the end the other flatmate who owned the flat asked her to move out.

Whilst I do think he has a problem, I’d also be disgusted over the greed of it all over the actual gluttony. Eating your lunches, taking your mum’s homemade brownies, having to tell him to leave things would disgust me that he can’t be trusted without catching around in someone else’s kitchen, stealing their stuff and then putting an empty tin back for them to find. Even if he didn’t realise how many he’d eaten, surely he’d acknowledge that eating every last one is greedy.

He is incredibly greedy
It must be like eating dinner with a dog

This is really sad but if he can't admit it and get help for his issue I'd walk...because I just wouldn't have a future with him

Imagine having kids....

its Easter and they come down excited and they have no eggs... not a scrap.
He's sheepish and fucks off for a shower while you deal with crying kids.

You have a shit day and just fancy some chocolate. You did the online shop and bought 4 bars yesterday... its all gone. No chocolate for you.

Its your childs 5th birthday and you make a dinosaur cake which was their little hearts desire... 'D'P eats it all sometime in the 24hr window before the party. You discover 3hrs before and panic buy one from sainsburys of a Hedgehog. Your child can't understand why mummy didn't get them a dinosaur...and cries inconsolably

Its no way to live.

This.

You can be kind but it still needs to be direct and clear. You are willing to help but he needs to recognise that this is problematic behaviour and get some professional help. Maybe either see his GP or access some private counselling to start off. Is he anxious about his family responsibilities?

You shouldn’t need to police what he eats on a long term basis (and it will fail anyway as a stand alone measure, even if by some miracle you manage to keep it up whilst raising a toddler and a baby).

Binge eating is also terrible for his health over the long term. An elderly relative used to do this. On a day that we were supposed to visiting for Sunday lunch, his wife opened their fridge to take out a ham she’d cooked for a family lunch the day before…He’d come down in the night and eaten the whole thing! His wife said that similar disappearances happened with other cooked meat, cheese, chocolates, cakes, posh bread from the bakery. Some blamed on the dog! It was never tackled because everyone was too polite / ‘it’s just eccentricity.’ Until he had a heart attack at 54.

Can you confide in your mother about it? You deserve some support too.

its too late for that tbh. We have children.

They’re just not yet eating / unborn so unaware.

To be fair, we can go long periods where I almost forget this is a problem. Usually because he’s on some very restrictive diet and says no to anything outside that.

It seems once he has a bit of something that’s when the floodgates open and incidents like this occur and sometimes catch me by surprise.

Id struggle to think of any other area where he is selfish / inconsiderate. It’s just food that’s the problem.

I've seen stories like this when kids are older and the husband can't help himself and eats everything meant for the kids. No packed lunch food, not enough ingredients to make dinner, forget kids getting a treat ice cream after dinner.... If you think your partner will be the same, you need to try and get this addressed asap.

I've been obese in the past but I know what's meant for the kids and wouldn't touch their food. It sounds like he can't stop himself. The situation at your parents in embarrassing. Nobody would go into someone else's house and help themselves and eat all of something like that. Definitely disordered eating. He must feel some shame but is hiding it well.

Is he obese?

Do you think it's binge eating, or do you think he feels entitled to do what he likes? Has he never meal planned, bought ingredients for a specific dish, hosted people for a weekend and made food in advance?

How can he possibly explain himself?

Bloody hell id be mortified in that situation with your mum and her friends. What did she say?! Was he not embarrassed and apologetic??

It’s not an eating disorder. He’s really greedy.

😬 sorry @Lostcupcakes didn't mean to make you feel worse.

I get you'll have to plan around it or get food lock boxes with a combination when the kids are bigger.

Sounds like a binge eating disorder to me. If I were you I'd start researching the topic and then have a conversation armed with information.

He owes you an explanation for why he did this, if he doesn’t have an eating disorder then he is thoughtless and selfish…..its one or the other

Presumably your food expenditure is sky high? Would it help if you showed him the impact in financial terms? Even if you can afford it overall, perhaps showing what % is going on food ( or certain foods) and what you have to go without as a result might help him see this isn’t sustainable?

How to Handle DP’s Possible Eating Disorder
1. Yes, it likely is an eating disorder.

• His behavior matches Binge Eating Disorder (BED) — eating large amounts, secretly, with loss of control.
• He doesn’t recognize it yet, but the problem exists regardless of his acknowledgement.

2. You cannot "fix" him.

• You are not his therapist, his mother, or his policeman.
• You are his partner — if he is willing to accept help.
• If not, protecting your own mental health becomes the priority.

3. You need to set clear boundaries.

• Use “I” statements, not accusations.
• Example:
• "I felt deeply embarrassed when the brownies disappeared. I need to trust that we can handle food situations respectfully."
• Be clear that you cannot and will not police him every day.

4. Invite him to seek help — but expect resistance.

• Gently suggest therapy or professional support.
• If he refuses to acknowledge it, understand that you cannot force change.

5. Prepare for all outcomes.

• If he shows effort to improve: support him.
• If he refuses or mocks the issue: decide if you are willing to live with this permanently.

Key Advice You are not cruel for wanting dignity, balance, and sanity in your relationship. You are wise to address it now, before resentment poisons your love.

I’m confused about why you feel unable to call him out on this in the moment or at all. Is it a him thing eg you feel unable to challenge him on any negative behaviour? Or is it something that’s specific to the topic of food?

I’m sorry but then you have to TELL him that it is NOT normal behaviour!!

He’s done something pretty atrocious - he stole food that your mother had made. Ate it in secret. Embarrassed her in front of her guests when she had nothing to offer them. If a child had done this they’d be seriously bloody told off and given consequences (grounded etc).

He is playing light of it because YOU are. You need to tell him that you are seriously fucking angry by what he did at your mother’s, that you are ashamed and embarrassed of his behaviour. Until he is forcibly made aware that his behaviour is unacceptable he won’t recognise he has a problem. And I say this as someone raised by an anorexic (it killed her in the end, died at 56) and I personally struggled with anorexia and bulimia from 16-late twenties.

Denying the impact of his behaviour means he will never acknowledge he has an issue. He needs help and the longer you leave it the worse it will get.

You don’t say whether he is overweight - if he isn’t then there is likely a purging behaviour going on in secret. Those behaviours can be very dangerous. I appreciate you have a baby and another on the way, but this needs addressing.

If you're still at your mum's i think you need to make time to speak to him as a priority. 1. To stop him doing it again with something else and 2. To make sure your mum gets an apology and gift off him before you leave.